Little Tragedies
by Randomus Prime
Summary: Little Tragedies is basically a collection of jokes that I have encountered in my life or came up with, remade to suit the characters of the G1 and Kittycon universes.  Crack, language, suggestive themes.
1. Chapter 1

_**Little Tragedies, Issue 1**_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**You see, my mind is constantly working, whether I like it or not, and so I come up with ideas. Some are good, some are stupid, some are tragic, some are hilarious as I have been told.**

**Little Tragedies is basically a collection of jokes that I have encountered in my life or came up with, remade to suit the characters of the G1 and Kittycon universes. At the moment, there are 3 sections as you will see: 1 - Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA), 2 - The Autobots, The Decepticons and the WTF (G1) and 3 - Under The Degree (G1).**

**I came up with most of the jokes in this series (see "Author's Notes" at the bottom) but I can't take credit for every single one, a rather sizable chunk I acquired through friends, some were retold by strangers or came from other sources, et cetera. I do not own Transformers.**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>"Oh, dear," Tracks was running around the kitchen with Soundwave, helping dress up the table for their guests, "Perceptor, Wheeljack, Jetfire and Jetstorm should be here any minute! Oh, dear …"<p>

Interrupted by the loud doorbell, the tricolored mech jumped up in one place, nearly dropping the plates he was holding.

"Ah! Rumble! Frenzy! Open the door for them please! Oh, dear …"

"Sure thing mom!"

"On it!"

The two kids ran to the door and let the four in.

"Yay! You guys came!"

"Holy All-Spark! You guys just keep on growing!"

"Affirmative."

"So how old ya guys gonna be soon, huh?"

"Nine!"

"And how old are you two now?"

"Six!"

* * *

><p>"Hi, uncle Jazz!"<p>

"Heya there kids! Man, you two grow fastah than space barnacles! How are ye two?"

"Ask mommy, she knows better."

* * *

><p>"Jetfire! Jetstorm! Our dad got drunk! He tried blowing out unlit candles on his birthday cake!"<p>

"He maybe not be drunk?"

"No no! Listen! He drank so much that the candles lit themselves on fire!"

* * *

><p>"All right kiddies, let's get started!"<p>

Sentinel really hated coming back to being a gym teacher, but he owed Prowl a favor and there was no way to get out of this one.

"Uncle Sentinel!"

"Wha… huh? What are you two doing in a school?"

"Decide we did to see what like is school," Jetstorm and Jetfire were on the other side of the fence, separating the school from the park, "can we join in?"

"Eh, sure, but only this once."

"Thank you, uncle Sentinel!"

"All right. Class! For just this once, we have two guests, Jetfire and Jetstorm; don't expect to see them again anytime soon. Ok! So, who smokes here? Be honest! Hm, you, you and you? Good, you three let's light up and the rest of you – twenty laps around the field."

* * *

><p>Ratchet was sitting at his desk in the hospital, taking a short break when the phone rings and, of course, he picks up.<p>

"Ratchet speaking."

"Uncle Ratchet! Uncle Ratchet!"

"Rumble? Frenzy? What's wrong?"

"Everybody got sick except us!"

"What? What? What happened?"

"We were being naughty and they didn't let us eat those mushrooms we picked up in the forest at Bulkhead's farm …"

* * *

><p>Jetstorm and Jetfire are discussing what is the fastest thing in the world:<p>

"Words be fastest! Say word and it never go back!"

"Light faster is!"

Bumblebee walks in:

"I had diarrhea and I didn't have time to say anything or turn on the light."

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus is sitting in his office. A phone rings and he picks it up.<p>

"Hello?"

"Hi, is Daniel Walls there?"

"Um, no."

"There are no Walls?"

"Nope, none."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure."

"Then how does your house stand?" Hangs up on the other line.

"Wha…"

* * *

><p>Jazz comes to visit Ratchet in the hospital but sees that little Jetfire and Jetstorm are there.<p>

"Hey lil' guys! How are ya?"

"Be good we are!"

"Indeed!"

"Hey, do you happen to know where Ratchet is?"

"Yes! Said he need be to operate out cut appendix!"

"Oh, you two know such big words! Do you know what that means?"

"Dollars thousand for nothing?"

* * *

><p>Back in the Academy, Wheeljack comes back to his dorm sometime near midnight, sits on his bed, takes off his shoe and smacks it on the floor before remembering that his downstairs neighbors asked him not to do that anymore. The engineer silently put his other shoe on the floor and went to sleep. A few hours later someone knocks on his door.<p>

"Warpath! What's up?"

"When are you going to smack your other shoe? We have been waiting for hours! Afraid to go sleep!"

* * *

><p>Tracks, before bed:<p>

"Runble! Frenzy! Have you completed your homework?"

"No."

"No."

"What? Why?"

"The less you know …"

"… the better you sleep."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy at a wedding:<p>

"Mommy! Why is the bride always in white?"

"Because that is the greatest day in her life."

"Then why is the groom in black?"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy! There is a small assembly in school!"

"What do you mean by small assembly?"

"You, the principle and us."

* * *

><p>In school they teach kids to count to six. Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Miss! We can go further!"

"Really? That's wonderful! Let's hear it!"

"Seven."

"Eight."

"Nine."

"Ten."

"Jack."

"Queen."

"King."

"Ace."

* * *

><p>Teacher in class:<p>

"Kids, why is it that we see thunder first and then we hear it? Yes, Rumble and Frenzy?"

"Because our eyes are …"

"… in front of our ears."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy! We helped an elderly person cross the road!"

"Oh! How sweet of you! Here, have some candy!"

On the next day, Rumble, Frenzy and a few other kids:

"Mommy! We helped an elderly person cross the road!"

"Oh! How sweet of you! Here, have some candy!"

On the next day, Rumble, Frenzy and their whole class:

"Mommy! We helped an elderly person cross the road!"

"Why the whole class?"

"Alpha Trion resisted."

* * *

><p>"All right, what are your names?"<p>

"Jetfire."

"Jetstorm."

Both smile. The teacher asks:

"Why are you two smiling?"

"Answer we be correct giving!"

* * *

><p>"Rumble! Frenzy! I will need to punish someone severely for these kind of grades!"<p>

"Yes! Punish the teacher …"

"… show her how to give us bad marks!"

* * *

><p>Teacher to Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"What is it with your grades? Nobody died yet from studying!"

"Best not …"

"… to risk it."

* * *

><p>Warpath:<p>

"Tomorrow kids, we will be studying the brain. Bring a hammer, a spoon and some antiseptics."

* * *

><p>Wheeljack:<p>

"Jetfire! Jetstorm! Did you correct your 'F'?"

"Yes!"

"Indeed!"

"Let me see. No, give me a pen, this is how you do it."

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"Kids, if you could meet any of your favorite authors, living or dead, whom would you pick?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Someone alive."

Teacher:

"Jetfire, Jetstorm, I will cut you a deal since this is your first time visiting school. I can ask you two easy questions or one hard question."

"Hard question one, please."

"All right, here it goes. Where did the first transformers originate?"

"On Quintessa."

"Huh?"

"That be question two."

* * *

><p>Teacher draws an apple on the blackboard:<p>

"All right kids, what is it?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"It's a butt!"

The teacher runs out, crying. Shortly the principle walks in:

"Who made the teacher cry and who drew an ass on the blackboard?"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy walk down the street and see a sign, saying "Do not hit the children". After a moment of thinking, they take out a marker and add "Wait for the teachers".<p>

Teacher:

"In the language, there is no such think as two words with positive meaning that when put together make a negative meaning."

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Yeah …"

"Sure …"

* * *

><p>"Mommy!"<p>

"Yes, kids?"

"We think that our teacher is in love with you."

"What? How come?"

"She wants to see you again."

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"Kids! Come watch the lunar eclipse today at 23 o'clock!"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"What channel?"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy right before an English test:<p>

"Rumble, what are you reading?"

"Our English text book."

"Why is it upside down?"

"Does it matter?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and the WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>"Mom! Don't send me to the army! You have no idea how bad things are there!"<p>

"Man up and go, Ultra Magnus! What will ever happen to you? You just became the commander of the Autobot City!"

* * *

><p>"Hey, Hot Rod, you wanna know how to make a moron get interested in something?"<p>

"How, Springer?"

"I will tell you tomorrow …"

* * *

><p>"Sir, Ultra Magnus, sir!"<p>

"Yes, Springer?"

"Your orders have been successfully completed!"

"I didn't give out any orders."

"I wasn't doing anything anyway!"

* * *

><p>Huffer is lying down on an operating table, Ratchet walks by.<p>

"Ratchet! Help me! I am dying!"

"This table is not serviced."

* * *

><p>Red Alert before an operation takes out his wallet.<p>

"Red, you don't have to pay me."

"No, Ratchet, I am just counting money before you apply the anesthetic."

* * *

><p>"Ratchet!"<p>

"What?"

"I have a cold! What would you recommend?"

"Huffer, stay the fuck away from me."

* * *

><p>"Hm, 'birthplace of Napoleon Bonapart'...," Ratchet sat at a table, working on a crossword puzzle in a mental asylum wing. He turns to one of the patients, "Where were you born?"<p>

* * *

><p>"Do your patients die frequently, Ratchet?"<p>

"Hot Rod, this is ridiculous, they die only once …"

* * *

><p>"Smokescreen!"<p>

"What is it this time, Hot Rod?"

"Yesterday I ran around with just my socks on and high! I am so ashamed!"

"Did that happen to you before?"

"Yes."

"Were you ashamed then?"

"No."

"So why were you ashamed this time?"

"One of my socks had a hole …"

* * *

><p>"Hoist! I keep having these nightmares where I am trying to push open a door and it just won't budge!"<p>

"All right, Hot Rod. Does it say anything on the door?"

"Pull."

* * *

><p>"Hey, Wreck-Gar, can I watch the TV?"<p>

"Yes, just don't turn it on."

* * *

><p>Training grounds, Ultra Magnus is in charge and has Springer helping him out.<p>

"Springer, what can you tell to our new recruits?'

"When we sleep, the enemy doesn't. So sleep for as long as you can and let's give them insomnia!"

* * *

><p>From a found diary of Autobot soldiers during The Great War:<p>

Day 184923 – we took over the lab

Day 184924 – the Decepticons took over the lab

Day 184925 – we took over the lab

Day 184926 – the Decepticons took over the lab

Day 184927 – we took over the lab

Day 184928 – the Decepticons took over the lab

Day 184929 – Wheeljack got back and took over the lab

* * *

><p>Rodimus Prime:<p>

"Every soldier needs to have: luminum spoon, luminum shovel …"

"Um, sir," Ultra Magnus interrupts, "it's -a-luminium."

"A – luminium spoon, B – luminium shovel …"

* * *

><p>Optimus Prime runs into the full cafeteria and happily screams:<p>

"AUTOBOTS! Arcee is pregnant!"

Everyone:

"Sir! Happy to serve, sir!"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Huffer, you are a dumbass!"

"But …"

"ORDERS ARE NOT TO BE DISCUSSED!"

* * *

><p>Warpath walks into the bus and sits down.<p>

"Hey! Buddy! Careful with that thing! What if it shoots and hits someone?"

"Blam! Then I will just reload it!"

* * *

><p>Tracks didn't want to be in the army so when they asked him for his oil sample, in the batch he mixed some from Arcee, his robotic pet, some from Huffer and added a bit of cosmic rust. A day later a letter comes:<p>

"Arcee is pregnant, your robotic pet has mechabetes, Huffer has a Cybertronian Sexually Transmitted Disease; nice try with the cosmic rust and you are going into the army."

* * *

><p>An alien tribe on some planet captured a quintesson scientist, a Decepticon drone and Kup.<p>

"Here is what's going to happen, we will get you three to a canyon and you will scream something out. Whoever's echo stays the longest, we will let you go, the rest – we will eat."

First went the quintesson scientist:

"QUINTESSA!"

The echo held for a second, they ate him. Then the Decepticon drone tried:

"ALL HAIL LORD MEGATRON!"

The echo held for 2 seconds, they ate him. Then Kup tried:

"HEY GUYS! THERE IS SAKE IN THE STORE!"

"Where? Where? Where?"

It went on for hours.

* * *

><p>"Hey, Seaspray, have you ever done anything heroic?"<p>

"My, yes I have."

"Like what?"

"I have saved my entire crew once from certain death!"

"How?"

"I killed the ship's chef."

* * *

><p>"Hey, Optimus! What's heavier, a ton of metal or a ton of feathers?"<p>

"What a stupid question, Springer, metal of course."

"Wrong! Both are equal."

"How about I smack with both and then you tell me."

* * *

><p>Nothing says "NO" like Naval Officer rank.<p>

* * *

><p>"All right, Autobots! Let's do some Zagzigs."<p>

"Um, Rodimus Prime, sir, it's zigzags."

"However I said it – that's what we are gonna do!"

* * *

><p>"Prepare for the worst, Hot Rod."<p>

"What? Ratchet, am I dying?"

"No, I am prescribing you the most expensive medicine."

* * *

><p>"All right Tracks, regarding your problem, how may sexual partners did you have?"<p>

"Just five."

"Whoa, for real? Just five?"

"Yes, I know, it was a bad week."

* * *

><p>"Ratchet!"<p>

"What is it this time, Hot Rod?"

"I have been to a few other doctors and they disagree with your diagnosis!"

"We can wait 'till an autopsy."

* * *

><p>Ratchet and Springer are chilling in the hospital wing. Hot Rod walks in:<p>

"Hey guys, I can't sleep!"

"Well," Springer turned to the mech, "Imagine that it is morning and it is time for work."

* * *

><p>"Ratchet! Help! My legs were blown off!"<p>

"Hot Rod, walk it off ya sissy."

* * *

><p>"Ratchet, tell me, is there any hope for me?"<p>

"Huffer, you got hope but not the chances."

* * *

><p>Kup to Blurr:<p>

"You see kid, I want to live, so I go to Ratchet. He wants to live so he prescribes me medicine. Hoist wants to live too so he gives me the medicine and then I throw it out …"

"…butwhy?Itismedicine,medicine,medicine,itisimportantforyourhealth…"

"… because I want to live too."

* * *

><p>"Hey, Optimus! You look better! How are your hemorrhoids?"<p>

"Arcee moved in with her mother."

* * *

><p>"Ratchet! I am afraid of the unfortunate outcome of this operation!"<p>

"Tracks, relax, you won't find out about them."

* * *

><p>"Soundwave! It has been five years and I can't get my wife pregnant!"<p>

"Maybe the problem is with her? Let me take a look at her."

"Starscream! Get in here!"

* * *

><p>Skylinx decides to crack a joke. To the Autobot City command post:<p>

"Guess who …"

All lights on the landing site turn off. Springer:

"Guess where …"

* * *

><p>Arcee is sitting in the bus and has a cute kitten on her lap. Hot Rod:<p>

"I wish I was this cat."

"I am taking him to be neutered."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"I am so fast! I always finish first!"

Arcee:

"Maybe you could finish second for once."

* * *

><p>Springer stands near a transport that was illegally parked. Prowl, slapping a ticket on the machine:<p>

"Springer, you can't park this here!"

"You are an idiot, you know that?"

"And the paintjob is all wrong," Prowl slapped on another ticket.

"Who the hell do you think you are?"

"Those tires were ordered to be taken back to be switched."

"Once a moron – always a moron."

"You are missing windshield wipers."

"Huh, so you are pretty stupid."

"The license plate has an illegal number."

"How are things in Dumbville, Mayor?"

"These flashlights are broken."

"Well, the transport isn't mine, see ya!"

* * *

><p>"Ratchet! We are losing him!"<p>

"Keep looking! The scalpel couldn't have gone too far inside him!"

* * *

><p>Track's diary:<p>

Before joined The Great War – slept well, I was protected.

During the war – can't sleep, I am protecting.

During the War – a week vacation, can't sleep, I know who is protecting.

* * *

><p>Rodimus Prime:<p>

"All right, Autobots, the maximum range of angle of an air assault is thirty degrees …"

Springer:

"Celsius or Fahrenheit? "

"Hm," Rodimus paused for a second, "Fahrenheit."

Everybody begins laughing.

"What I can't make a joke? Of course it's Celsius!"

* * *

><p>"Oh my god! Swindle! How will I ever repay you?"<p>

"You know, ever since money was invented, it stopped being a problem."

* * *

><p>Huffer is being taken off somewhere from the hospital. Huffer:<p>

"I thought you were taking me to OR?"

"No, I am taking you to the morgue."

"But I am not dead yet!"

"We are not there yet."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"I can't take it anymore!"

Mirage:

"What?"

"These cockroaches are driving me insane and they are so disgusting!"

"Did you try chalk?"

"Huh?"

"Chalk, did you try it?"

"It works?"

"Ya, look, they are sitting in the corner and drawing."

* * *

><p>Sideswipe and Sunstreaker invited Grimlock over for dinner, during which they talk of the whole situation about the Technobots and Perceptor, as they are making energon goodies. Their pet, a mechanical cat, wants some.<p>

"Meow! Meow!"

"No! Sorry kitty this is not for you!"

"Mrow! Mrow!"

"I will take care of this, Sunstreaker, keep cooking."

So Sideswipe take the kitty and puts it in the corner:

"And stay there …"

"Me, Grimlock, come!"

"Hey, Grimlock, want some energon goodies?"

"Me, Grimlock, like energon goodies, thank you!"

Right before he puts one in his mouth, the kitty nags for a piece:

"Meow! Meow!"

"Aw, you, cute kitty, here have energon goody."

The cat eats the treat and drops dead.

"YOU WANT TO POISON ME GRIMLOCK!"

"WHAT?"

"HUH?"

"Yes," the kitty thought as it opened one eye.

* * *

><p>"Hey! Iron Hide! Can you imagine this? I met a sexual predator yesterday!"<p>

"What? Really, Huffer? Oh god!"

"That's exactly what he said after looking at me and left."

* * *

><p>Arcee to Optimus Prime:<p>

"I have two bars …"

"You are pregnant?"

"NO! I AM A CHIPMUNK!"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Gears, why are you mad at me?"

"Because I am Huffer!"

* * *

><p>Sunstreaker and Sideswipe:<p>

"Hey, Ratchet, give us a pack of condoms."

"Do you need a bag?"

"No, he is beautiful."

* * *

><p>Optimus Prime and Arcee are out on a date and are watching a horror movie. Suddenly a very ugly, scary monster pops out on the screen, Arcee:<p>

"Mommy!"

"Yeah, I see the resemblance."

* * *

><p>Starscream's first attempt at assassinating Megatron.<p>

Megatron is performing some training exercises and is showing how to use grenades:

"You pull this ring, you hear it sizzle and then you throw the grenade, like this. All right, Starscream, your turn."

"What do I do?"

"Pull the pin."

"I pulled it."

"Is it sizzling?"

"Yes."

"Throw it!"

"Catch!"

* * *

><p>"All right, Arcee, you can't eat any meat or anything farinaceous."<p>

"Ratchet, can I pirogues?"

* * *

><p>"Springer!"<p>

"Yes, Hot Rod?"

"What will happen if my parachute won't open?"

"Then you will reach the ground first."

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"I know approximately where you live, tactical nukes don't need precision."

* * *

><p>Parachute training. Springer:<p>

"All right, guys! Are you ready?"

"N-n-n-no!"

"What is it this time Red Alert?"

"I am scared! I never jumped with a parachute!"

"All right, fine, just this once you can jump without one …"

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Is there anyone here who knows how to fix a radio on the tank?"

"Sir, is the radio on diodes or transistors?"

"It is ON A TANK."

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Springer! Why aren't you waxed?"

"It is none of your business."

"WHAT?"

"We don't have any more wax!"

"That's none of my business."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"You see this rock? If I throw it, it will fall. That means that gravity pulled it down."

"What if it falls into the water?"

"That's Seaspray's problem."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Push! Push! Push!"

Arcee:

"Are you sure this is how you take out the appendix?"

* * *

><p>Arcee to Optimus:<p>

"Get me a space ship and we can travel the universe! See life!"

"This life or afterlife?"

* * *

><p>Optimus cuddling with Arcee:<p>

"Oh, Arcee, tell me those three words that bind people together for ever."

"I am pregnant."

* * *

><p>Huffer:<p>

"What can be worse than eating an apple and there is a worm there?"

"Eating an apple and seeing half of the worm."

* * *

><p>Kup gets on the bus, Hot Rod gets up from his seat. Kup pushes him back on the seat:<p>

"Kid, no need to let me sit, my legs still hold me."

On the next stop, Hot Rod again tries to stand up:

"Kid, I thought I told you that I can stand!"

This happens for two more stops, then Hot Rod says:

"Kup, I am 100% sure you can stand but I missed four stops now!"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"Ratchet! I am nervous, this is my first operation! I can't stop shaking!"

"Relax, mine too."

* * *

><p>Perceptor attending a history conference to learn more about Earth.<p>

A German archeologist:

"Under 150 meters of ground we found telephone lines, that means that Germany at the time had telephones 150 years ago."

A French archeologist:

"Under 250 meters of ground we found telephone lines, that means that France at the time had telephones 250 years ago."

A Russian archeologist:

"We dug 500 meters and found nothing, that means that 500 years ago we had cellphones."

Perceptor:

"Oooooo!"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>"You see," Hoist turned to Kup, "When a person gets drunk, they turn apathetic."<p>

"I dun give a slag!"

* * *

><p>"Ratchet, are you sure this anesthetic will work?"<p>

"Yes, Springer, now finish your second glass of vodka and you are clear for operation."

* * *

><p>Grimlock and Hot Rod began drinking; the dinobot takes out a bottle of vodka and Hot Rod takes out Fanta.<p>

"Me, Grimlock, say what's dis shit?" He points at the bottle of Fanta, "Me, Girmlock, have weak liver!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, wobbling, sat down on one of the free seats on the bus, next to Arcee, and rested a plastic bag on his knees. A minute or so later, he suddenly turns to her and barfs all over the fembot.<p>

"WHAT THE HELL MAN? YOU HAVE A BAG!"

"THERE ARE BOOKS IN THERE!"

* * *

><p>Mirage is trying to wake up Hound who was lying, passed out on the berth, for some *ahem*.<p>

"By The Matrix!" After a few minutes of uselessly pushing him around, "Are there any real men around here?"

From upstairs, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe:

"You got something to drink?"

* * *

><p>"Ratchet!"<p>

"What is it, Prime?"

"Arcee lost her voice! She can't make a sound!"

"Try coming back home drunk at 3 a.m."

* * *

><p>"Hound! This is an outrage!"<p>

"What's up, Mirage?"

"Take a look at this article!"

"Formula – 1 in Russia is C2H5(OH)."

* * *

><p>"Well," Rodimus, drunk, "You will be digging the trenches from here to Tuesday."<p>

* * *

><p>Arcee, a hammered Kup and Seaspray get on a very stuffed bus; Arcee can't get to the ticket slot on the bus.<p>

"Hey, Kup, could you submit this ticket for me?"

"Sure, here, soldier," he turned to Seaspray and gave him the ticket.

"Kup, I am a Naval Officer."

"What? We are on a ship?"

* * *

><p>Grimlock to Prowl:<p>

"Grimlock ask Prowl, got any perfume?"

"What? No!"

"Braking liquid?"

"Huh? No."

"Windshield wiper liquid?"

"No."

"So you have no light wines?"

* * *

><p>Mirage:<p>

"Would you gentlemen be interested in sampling my collection of wines?"

"Me, Grimlock, say you make five mistakes in 'vodka'."

* * *

><p>"Hey, Blurr, you know what's the difference between Rodimus's face and an ass' face?"<p>

"WhatisitKup?Whatisit,whatisit…"

"Huh?" Rodimus Prime, walks in, hammered, angry, "What fucking differences are there?"

"No difference."

"That's right."

* * *

><p>"Hey, Grimlock, is this vodka good? It's not poisonous? It's not gonna kill me?"<p>

"Red Alert, no complaints yet."

* * *

><p>Optimus' son:<p>

"Daddy! Make the elephants run again!"

"Son, the elephants are tired! Let them rest a bit!"

"Pleeeeeaaassseeeeeee!"

"Aw you are so cute, ok. Autobots! Put your gasmasks back on and RUN!"

* * *

><p>Prowl to drunk Optimus:<p>

"Optimus, chain logic is quite simple, ok let me give an example. Do you have an aquarium?"

"Yeah."

" So it is logical to assume that you like aquariums?"

"Yeah."

"So it is logical to assume that you would fill one up with water and throw a few fish in there?"

"Yeah."

"So it is logical to assume that you like nature?"

"Yeah."

"So it is logical to assume that you like beautiful things?"

"Yeah."

"So it is logical to assume that you like beautiful fembots?"

"Yeah."

"So it is logical to assume that you are not homosexual."

"Yeah."

"See?"

"Oh, oh, ok but before we continue, I gotta go take a leak …"

"Hall, second door to your left."

"Thanks."

Optimus Prime walks into the hall and bumps into Perceptor.

"Sir! Have you seen Prowl anywhere? Sunstreaker and Sideswipe keep courting me! I think they want to berth me …"

"Oh, Prowl's in there, he was teaching me chain logic or whatever."

"In your state? What did he …"

"Let me give you an example. Perceptor, you got an aquarium?"

"No …"

"THAN YOU ARE GAY!"

* * *

><p>Optimus Prime, drunk, sitting on a chair, Arcee is mopping the floor. Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, could you lift up your legs?"

"YOU CAN'T EVEN CLEAN WITHOUT MY HELP!"

* * *

><p>"Hot Rod, what happened?"<p>

"Ratchet, I think I had an epiphany."

"Huh?"

"If a penguin tells you that you are crazy, you really are crazy."

* * *

><p>Arcee is cooking dinner, drunk Kup walks in. Arcee:<p>

"Oh! Kup! Thank The Matrix you are here! Can you look after the energon pie? I need to go get something from Hoist."

"Sure."

Half an hour later, Arcee comes back.

"Arcee! The pie didn't leave the oven!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock wakes up from a hangover. Grimlock:<p>

"You, where is Grimlock?"

"This is United States of America!"

"To hell with details! What planet is this?"

* * *

><p>One day, Hoist, Warpath, Hot Rod, Grimlock, Prowl and Jazz decided to get drunk and play "war".<p>

Hot Rod sneaks up on Warpath, takes a near-by chair and smacks him as hard as he could. No effect. Hot Rod takes another chair, smacks him. Warpath turns to Hot Rod:

"Can't you see? I am a tank! Boom!"

* * *

><p>After a space storm, a quintesson scientist, Shockwave and Grimlock end up on some asteroid in an uncharted region of space. A Genie shows up and says:<p>

"I will grant each of you one wish."

Quintesson scientist:

"I want to go back home!"

Done. Shockwave:

"I wish to be at Lord Megatron's side again!"

Done. Grimlock:

"Me, Grimlock, like them! A ton of vodka and get all of them back."

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus:<p>

"Hey, Kup, how was New Years?"

"I dunno, they haven't told me yet."

* * *

><p>Sideswipe and Sunstreaker began drinking:<p>

"Look! Sunstreaker! Crocodiles are flying!"

"Man, I hope Prowl won't find out."

From downstairs, Jazz:

"Hey, Prowl! Look! Crocodiles are flying!"

"That's not ours, that's Sideswipe's and Sunstreaker's."

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes:<span>**

**Well, there you have it, the first issue!**

**Guess what? I have 16 issues ready! They will vary in size because I had some major ups and downs on occasion. I will be posting them once the editing is done.**

**I ask of you to be patient (not that you have a choice ...), I am writing more when I can and I have only one person (who has her own projects, mind you) to go through all the stupidity I write.**

**Thank you very much, C.M.D., for editing, laughing (I certainly hope it is ...) and reviewing.**

**Once I have a more sizable audience, I will initiate a poll as to which category you find the funniest. Thank you Krazifreak for inspiration, I hope I did not somehow trample your territory, I also hope that it will somehow help you make the universe even bigger and even more awesome. Thank you, again, C.M.D., for inspiration this time.**

**Again, I do not own Transformers. The jokes were rewritten by me to suit G1 and Kittycon universes, they are not actual part of such unless their respective creators desire them to be. Some jokes I made, some I took from other sources as I have mentioned before. If you wish to use the material in "Little Tragedies" issues, at the very least notify me, but other than that, we are all out here to have fun. (but please DO mind certain boundaries ...)**

**As you may have noticed or will eventually noticed, there are some culture-specific jokes. I try to go for available-for-everyone but some are just too damn hilarious not to do.**

**I sincerely hope you enjoyed it. I am trying to improve my delivery and style with every issue.**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Little Tragedies, Issue 2**_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**This is issue 2 of "Little Tragedies". Why did I call it that? Easy, I find it rather tragic that I come up with these things, funny on the side, but rather tragic in a way.**

**In any case, enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love you long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"Remember kids, there is no such thing as stupid questions!"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"If we stand on rails and with our hands grab the power lines …"

"… will we become trains?"

* * *

><p>Soundwave, Tracks, Rumble and Frenzy moved to another, more fancier apartment. Rumble and Frenzy had to switch schools. Tracks:<p>

"So how is the new school?"

"It sucks Mommy!"

"Yeah! We don't like it!"

"Oh, dear! Why? Are the teachers mean?"

"No! The other kids …"

"… are dumb!"

"Pardon? How come?"

"We can't copy their answers!"

"They are all wrong!"

* * *

><p>At a restaurant, Perceptor, Wheeljack, Warpath and Ratchet are having a little reunion. Bumblebee brings their order of soup. Warpath notices that there is a fly in his soup:<p>

"Bam! What is this in my butter soup?"

Bumblebee:

"A butterfly."

* * *

><p>Warpath:<p>

"Hey, Arcee, can I have a picture of you?"

"Oh, why do you need it, hot stuff?"

"I will put it near the candy jar so that my students will be too scared to come anywhere near."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy come to a drug store.<p>

"Uncle Ratchet! Uncle Ratchet!"

"Do you have any painkillers?"

"What? Why? Does something hurt?"

"No but it will, mommy and daddy …"

"… went to the parent-teacher meeting."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy come to Tracks:<p>

"Mommy! How did we come to be?"

"Oh, you should ask your father …"

"We did but we think he is lying because …

"… he keeps saying it was sex."

* * *

><p>Back in high school. Teacher:<p>

"Today we are going to learn about sex. Soon, boys will get interested in girls and girls will get interested in boys. Yes, Tracks?"

"Miss, can everyone who already had sex go play soccer?"

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"Remember kids, who gets A's and B's will go to heaven and whoever gets C's, D's and F's will go to hell …"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Is it possible …"

"… to finish school alive?"

* * *

><p>Teacher is trying to explain division to the class and writes "2:2". Teacher:<p>

"Anybody knows what that means?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Overtime!"

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"Rumble! Frenzy! Your homework has begun getting much better!"

"Yeah! Mommy stopped …"

"… helping us!"

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"Rumble, Frenzy, would you guys mind answering questions one and two for the class?"

"Our lawyer told us to avoid answering questions …"

"… because the answers can be used against us."

"Huh? What? Why?"

"You should talk to …"

"… our psychiatrist."

* * *

><p>A priest is trying to teach the class the importance of prayer before sleep. Priest:<p>

"Rumble, Frenzy, what do you two do before bed?"

"We brush our teeth."

"All right, good. Um, Shockblast, what do you do before bedtime?"

"I fantasize about Ultra Magnus."

"Hm, ok."

The priest sees that he won't reach them this way so he changes his tactics:

"Kids, what do your parents do before bed?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Um, these questions are not really …"

"… appropriate for the first grade."

* * *

><p>Cliffjumper:<p>

"Hey, Sentinel, I don't see you at work anymore. Were you fired?"

"I left because of a personal demand from Ultra Magnus."

* * *

><p>Swindle quit his job as a salesman in Paw-mart and applied to Soundwave Communications, Inc. Soundwave:<p>

"Reason for leaving previous employment?"

"I sold everything."

* * *

><p>Cliffjumper and Sentinel are talking. Cliffjumper:<p>

"One of our security officers caught some guy with some stolen goods. Kicked him out on the spot!"

"That's right! No mercy!"

"Now we don't have security at the entrance …"

* * *

><p>During a test, the Teacher notices some papers under Frenzy and Rumble's desk. Teacher:<p>

"Rumble, Frenzy, are these your cheat sheets?"

The twins pick up some of the papers, studying them for a second.

"No, teacher!

Both take out some papers from their pockets.

"We got ours …"

"… right here!"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack to Jetfire and Jetstorm:<p>

"Only students when you ask them what it is, say '10 minutes left'."

* * *

><p>Back in university Wheeljack, Ratchet and Warpath are hanging out.<p>

Wheeljack:

"Maybe we shouldn't get drunk tonight …"

Ratchet:

"Huh? How?"

Warpath:

"Why?"

* * *

><p>University, a few students are being really loud. Warpath recognizes his students:<p>

"If the backrows were just as quiet as the students in the middle rows playing cards, the front rows could have gotten some sleep."

* * *

><p>Back in university, Wheeljack:<p>

"Mom! I hate it here! My neighbors are crazy! One is crying all the time, another screams and the other keeps banging his head on the wall!"

"Just keep your mind off of them …"

"I am! I play bagpipes all day."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Daddy, we know that we came out of mommy's tummy but how did we get there?"

Soundwave takes a minute to think about his response. Rumble and Frenzy:

"Daddy, don't make anything up …"

"You don' have to say anything if you don't know."

* * *

><p>Teacher, still trying to explain division to the class:<p>

"Three kilograms of energon cost 12 dollars, so what do we need to do to find out the price for one kilogram?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Look at …"

"… the price tag."

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"All right, so, kids, tell me what you did during your summer vacation?"

Shockblast:

"I seduced Ultra Magnus."

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"All right, so, kids, tell me what you did during your summer vacation?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"We ran around forests, climbed mountains, travelled a lot …"

"Great job! And the rest of you spent your summer vacation staring at the computer screens! Great job Rumble! Great job Frenzy!"

Rumble and Frenzy, off to the side:

"… killed lots of orcs and goblins …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave is painting the walls. Tracks:<p>

"Rumble, Frenzy, once you grow up, you can help Soundwave!"

"He won't be …"

"… done by that time?"

* * *

><p>Back in highschool. Starscream farts, everybody covers their noses and begin looking around. Teacher:<p>

"Who did that?"

Starscream gets up:

"I did."

"In the hall, young man!"

Starscream walks out in the hall and breathes in fresh air:

"It pays off to be honest sometimes."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Wow, Tracks! Your kids are really handsome!"

"You say that to all parents probably."

"Nope, only to those who really do deserve it."

"And what do you tell those who don't?"

"That their kids look a lot like their parents."

* * *

><p>Shockblast to Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Hey, guys! Come over! Now! My parents hid new porn!"

* * *

><p>Shockblast's parents:<p>

"Why is it that Rumble and Frenzy get straight A's and B's and you get C's?"

"Their parents are smarter."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Yay! Santa brought us all these wonderful gifts!"

Soundwave and Tracks:

"Merry Christmas …"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"… but you two didn't get us anything!"

Note form the Author: *facepalm*

* * *

><p>At one showing of the kid's show "Good Night Kids" one of the puppeteers hit their head on the table … such goodnight wishes kids had never heard before in their entire lives.<p>

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"Kids, I have looked over your essays 'My Family'. Shockblast, why did you write that your dad is a dumbass, your mother is an idiot and you are the smartest one in your family?"

"Mom always said that dad is a dumbass for ever proposing and dad calls mom an idiot for ever marrying him. I am not planning to get married at all."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Rumble, Frenzy, why is there a bunch of papers in the corner?"

"We are punishing our test!"

"Huh? Why?"

"It gave us an F."

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus:<p>

"There is going to be a conference, get everyone over here by the internal communications please."

Optimus:

"It would be faster over Pawbook."

* * *

><p>*TFA* How Starscream could have assassinated Megatron:<p>

Inside Omega Supreme, Starscream:

"Megatron! I know what to do!"

"What?"

"I can't just outright tell you! Omega Supreme will hear us!"

"Use wireless connection …"

"He may intercept it!"

"Then how …"

"Just let me whisper it into your audio sensors."

"All right."

"So, first thing's first, IMMAH FIRIN' MAH LAZAAAAAAR! BLAAAAAAAARRGGHH!"

* * *

><p>Blitzwing:<p>

"Slipstream, why did you break up with Thundercracker?"

"We had different views in religion."

"Huh?"

"I didn't believe that he was God."

* * *

><p>A news reporter picks a random person on the street. News reporter:<p>

"Excuse me, sir, would you mind answering some questions for the press? We are not asking you for your name; this is just a random questionnaire about smoking."

Random person:

"Affirmative."

"Do you smoke?"

"Affirmative."

"How much?"

"Estimation: one pack a day."

The news reporter takes a minute and pushes a few buttons on a calculator:

"Sir, did you know that if you stop smoking now, in 20 years you will have enough money to buy 10% of Soundwave Communications, Inc.?"

"Inquiry: do you smoke?"

"No."

"Inquiry: do you own 10% of Soundwave Communications, Inc.?"

"No."

Random person lights up a cigar:

"I smoke and I own all of it."

* * *

><p>One day Bumblebee went to Hell, Bumblebee:<p>

"Oh wow! This new video game is so realistic!"

A demon appears and tries to kill him. The Autobot beats up the demon, steals its weapon and goes around killing the rest of them before eventually killing Satan.

God:

"Hm, perhaps there is hope for this one."

Then he made a stair case going all the way from Hell to Heaven.

Bumblebee:

"This must be level 2."

* * *

><p>Sentinel on a vacation decided to try horse riding and he is pretty good at it, it turns out, so he decided to travel for a little bit. After an hour he sees a hole in the ground around 5 meters in diameter, Sentinel:<p>

"I am a cowboy! I am a cowboy! I will jump over it!"

He rides and the horse jumps over it. An hour later he sees a bigger hole around 10 meters in diameter, Sentinel:

"I am a cowboy! I am a cowboy! I will jump over it!"

And he does. An hour later he stumbles on a huge hole around 20 meters in diameter, Sentinel:

"I am a cowboy! I am a cowboy! I will jump over it!"

The horse suddenly stops and says:

"Listen, you are the cowboy, you jump."

* * *

><p>Teacher is about to give Rumble and Frenzy an F grade, Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Teacher, we don't mean to blackmail you or frighten you but …"

"… mommy said if we bring another F home, someone will get punished."

* * *

><p>Back in college, Swindle found a temporary job as a bartender and Sentinel occasionally worked there too. Sentinel, pointing at a sleeping drunk at the counter:<p>

"Hey, Swindle, want me to wake this guy up and get him out of here?"

"Oh dear Lord no!"

"Why?"

"I wake him up every ten minutes and he pays the full bill."

* * *

><p>Ratchet to Shockblast's dad:<p>

"Sir! Your son is losing weight really quickly!"

"I don't understand what I am doing wrong! I take him out for walks, we play a lot, we watch movies, we play catch, I give him baths every day …"

"What do you feed him?"

"DAMN IT! I just knew I would forget something."

* * *

><p>Shockblast to Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"You know, a few years ago my mom could have sent me to the store with ten dollars and I would get three liters of milk, a kilogram of cheese, a big jar of pickles, a dozen eggs, 1 medium pizza and a kilogram of potatoes."

"What happened? Did everything get more expensive?"

"No, they put up more security cameras."

* * *

><p>Perceptor's dad:<p>

"Instead of studying you run around at parties and get into trouble!"

"… but …"

"Who is the father here, you or me?"

"Both of us …"

* * *

><p>Telephone rings, Shockblast picks up:<p>

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Jazz, is your dad home?"

"No."

"Did he go on that vacation he was talking about?"

"No."

"Huh?"

"He went with mom."

* * *

><p>Warpath, Spanish oral exams. A student walks in and he sees that the guy has something in his pocket. Warpath:<p>

"What's in your pocket?"

"Nothing."

"Take it out."

The student takes out a bottle of vodka. Warpath upon seeing this took out a glass, filled it up and drank the whole thing. Warpath:

"Got an appetizer?"

"No."

"Aw, you were so close to passing."

* * *

><p>Wheeljack's diary during his student years in the university:<p>

Monday – 15 dollars left, I am hungry.

Tuesday – 10 dollars left, I am very hungry.

Wednesday – 5 dollars left, I am extremely hungry.

Thursday – I got my paycheck, went to the liquor store with Warpath and Ratchet, can't remember the rest.

Friday – can't remember anything.

Saturday – can't remember anything.

Sunday – can't remember anything.

Monday – 15 dollars left, I am hungry.

* * *

><p>Wheeljack and Ratchet are in their dorm room, hungry as hell. Wheeljack:<p>

"Hey, maybe we should get a pig, grow it and then eat it?"

"What about the dirt and the smell?"

"Don't worry, it will get used to it."

* * *

><p>Sentinel:<p>

"Ratchet, how did you know that there was someone in the house?"

"You see, family doesn't smash chairs on family's heads."

* * *

><p>Back in university Warpath, Ratchet and Perceptor are hanging out. Wheeljack comes with a very awesome bicycle. Ratchet:<p>

"Wow! Wheeljack! Where did you get this awesome bike!"

"You see, as I was walking from the dorm to here, Arcee biked to me, undressed and said that I can have anything I want. So I took the bike."

Warpath:

"You made the right choice! Why would you need fembot clothing anyway?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"So, Tracks, how is it to be in a relationship with Bluestreak? He talks a lot, doesn't he?"

Tracks:

"Well, he has a great voice but when he is quiet, it's like music to my ears."

* * *

><p>Courtroom, Swindle is being sued for stealing a prized painting. Judge:<p>

"… and this proves that you did not steal the painting. Mr. Swindle, you are free to go, all charges are dropped."

"Does that mean I can keep the painting?"

* * *

><p>Prowl decided to put an end to the myth of the Yeti, so he goes to the rumored part of the world, brings Perceptor with him for the scientific background, gets Hound to help him survey the location, and talks to the ranger stationed in that area. Prowl:<p>

"If Yeti exists, than there must be excrement lying around …"

"I don't know about that but there is plenty of excrement of people who saw it …"

* * *

><p>Springer decided to try dropping with a parachute and eventually it became a hobby. At some point he met a fembot and both fell in love, flowers, dates, things happen and they are about to get married. Kup:<p>

"Kid, there is one thing you can never allow your fembot to do …"

"Yeah, Kup, I know, I won't let her take all of my money …"

"No, kid, the one thing …"

"Yeah, Kup, I know, I won't let her drop all responsibility on me …"

"Kid, no, these things are not important. Never let her pack your parachute."

* * *

><p>Kup calls Springer:<p>

"Hey, kid, watcha doin'?"

"I am at work."

"Oh, sorry for waking you up."

* * *

><p>Arcee got her driving license and for the first time she dropped Optimus Prime off. Optimus:<p>

"Thank you!"

"You are welcome."

"Not you, I was thanking God."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing and Shockwave are acting policemen. Since Shockwave has a lot more experience, he teaches Bltizwing:<p>

"Here, let me show you."

Stops a Mechcedes, the window lowers, Shockwave reaches into the car, takes out 100 dollars and the car keeps driving.

"Got it?"

"More or less."

"Let me show you again."

Stops a Ramjetguini, the window lowers, Shockwave reaches into the car, takes out 50 dollars and the car keeps driving.

"Got it?"

"Yes."

"All right, you try."

Blitzwing stops a SUV and a few seconds later he runs back:

"Shockwave!"

"What? What happened?"

"I did everything like you showed me, the window lowered and I put my hand in there and when I took it out my watch was gone!"

"What? Did you remember the license plate?"

"It said 'SWINDLE'."

* * *

><p>Prowl stops a car. A random check.<p>

"Weapons, drugs, stolen goods?"

Swindle:

"Just a cup of coffee, please."

* * *

><p>Prowl stops a car. A random check.<p>

"Weapons, drugs, stolen goods?"

Blitzwing:

"None yet."

"Wait, what? Why not?"

"You haven't planted them yet."

* * *

><p>Iron Hide, angry:<p>

"This is pissing me off!"

Prowl:

"What?"

"I make a litter box for our pets and humans think it is a sandbox!"

* * *

><p>On Earth they made a robot that caught thieves and they decided to test it out. On Earth, it caught 132 thieves in an hour. On Cybertron, it caught 21 thieves in thirty minutes. On Charr, someone stole the robot in five seconds.<p>

* * *

><p>Before Ratchet could get into the medical profession, he had to have a clean bill of health and so he submitted his oil for analysis for MECHIV. He comes to the hospital and asks the doctor for the results. Doctor:<p>

"It's positive."

"WHAT?"

"You don't have anything, it's good! It's a positive result."

* * *

><p>Prowl, Hound, Mirage, Tracks, Seaspray, Springer and Kup talk about the books they read. Kup:<p>

"So who read what books?"

Prowl:

"I read the encyclopedia of Oxford."

Hound:

"I read Treasure Island."

Mirage:

"I read Romeo and Juliet."

Tracks:

"I read Kama sutra."

Seaspray:

"I read 20 000 Leagues Under The Water."

Springer:

"I read adventures of a zoophile human female."

Everyone:

"WHAT?"

Springer:

"Beauty and the Beast."

* * *

><p>Optimus Prime comes back home, hears:<p>

"Oh my god! He is back early! Quick!"

He runs into the kitchen, sees an open window, half-naked Arcee and Blurr running just outside the window. Optimus takes a near-by chair and throws it at Blurr.

In court. Blurr:

"I was preparing for The Intergalactic Olympics! I just decided to change the route!"

Optimus:

"I am so sorry Blurr."

Prowl:

"Next order of business."

Springer:

"So I sit under the chair, just chilling, when …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"What's the status of the patient?"

"Multi-millionaire."

"Let's operate!"

* * *

><p>Back in kinder garden. Arcee, swoons at Perceptor who is on the other side of the play ground:<p>

"Ah."

Wheeljack:

"Why do you like him so much? I mean come on! Look at him!"

Arcee:

"You are just jealous because you are not as smart as he is and he is younger than you and his stuff doesn't randomly explode in his face!"

Wheeljack:

"Oh, look at me, I am Perceptor, I am four years old and I can build a nuclear reactor that doesn't explode like Wheeljack's …"

* * *

><p>Red Alert, before an operation:<p>

"Hey, Ratchet, how is it that you know so much about everyone's bodies?"

Ratchet, taking a scalpel:

"They surrender me the information on their own free will when I have them at scalpel point."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing comes up to Shockwave and asks him:<p>

"Hey, Shockwave, what happened to your arm?"

Shockwave, lowering his head:

"My right hand wasn't always my best friend."

* * *

><p>Swindle to Onslaught:<p>

"I am worried."

"About what?"

"That someone will put me away in jail for selling cocaine instead of ground up sugar."

"Relax, you got nothing to worry about. They will shoot you first."

* * *

><p>Optimus to Arcee:<p>

"Why do you watch the Food Channel? Your cooking is not getting any better!"

"And why do you watch porn?"

* * *

><p>Wreck-Gar:<p>

"Hey, Kup, have you seen the new video clip that Lady Gaga made?"

"No, the book is better."

"What book?"

"Any book."

* * *

><p>A ship begins sinking, everybody is in panic. Swindle begins praying to God:<p>

"… our Savior, help us …"

Blast-off:

"Stop praying! If God finds out you are on this ship – we are dead for sure!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod's mom:<p>

"Hot Rod! Why do you need condoms for?"

"I don't know mom! Arcee said that I have to bring them."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, is it true that I was given to you by God?"

"Yes, I just don't know for what sins."

* * *

><p>Perceptor to Optimus Prime:<p>

"No, no, no, no! I can't make you rat poison; you need a prescription, not a picture of your mother-in-law!"

* * *

><p>Swindle finally got caught, Swindle:<p>

"I am innocent! I am innocent!"

Prowl:

"They all say that …"

"See? I am right!"

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus is running around the battle field and sees Springer, laughing and crying at the same time, Ulra Magnus:<p>

"Springer! Why are you crying?"

"Swindle stole my grenade!"

"Then why are you laughing?"

"He forgot the pin."

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Everyone in their social network has someone who, when they talk to, they ask 'who the hell is this?'"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Ratchet, how much will it cost to renovate all of my skin?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

"I don't have that kind of money! Ok, what about just the face?"

"Three thousand dollars."

"Do you have anything cheaper?"

"Sweetie, only bags are cheaper."

* * *

><p>Red Alert:<p>

"Ratchet! Tell me! Am I sick?"

"Yes, you have the swine flew."

"What?"

"Only a swine would call paramedics over to his quarters at 4 a.m. with a temperature of 36.6 Celsius."

* * *

><p>Red Alert:<p>

"Ratchet! I ate the whole pizza with the box! Am I going to die?"

"Red, everybody will die at some point …"

"WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack:<p>

"All right, I invented this new kind of rocket and I really want to test it out but everybody is too afraid to do it."

Springer:

"Just give Kup and Grimlock some alcohol and they will do it."

"Huh, ok, worth a try."

He lures both on the rocket with sake and vodka and when they are inside he launches it. Right before opening his bottle, Kup looks at the sensors:

"Grimlock! Look! We are one hundred kilometers above ground!"

Grimlock found his bottle and looked at the sensors as he was opening it:

"Oh!"

"Holy crap! Look! 1000 kilometers! 10 000 kilometers! 10 000 000 kilometers! 100 000 000 000 kilometers! 100 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 kilometers! Oh God!"

A voice:

"What?"

* * *

><p>Ratchet barges in and heavily breathes:<p>

"WE MUST OPERATE ON TRACKS!"

"What? Why? What does he have?"

"A SWISS BANK ACCOUNT!"

* * *

><p>Springer, sitting on a bench and screaming:<p>

"Freaking damn it! DAMN IT!"

Prowl, sits down right next to him:

"What's the problem?"

"The bench is freshly painted!"

"DAMN IT!"

* * *

><p>There is a huge fire in medbay. Inferno:<p>

"All right, we managed to take out the fire. There were three people trapped on the lower level, we resuscitated two but the other one was hopeless."

Ratchet faints. After a while he comes back to his senses and says:

"Inferno, we have a morgue downstairs."

* * *

><p>Optimus comes to Swindle sitting in the brig. Prowl:<p>

"Optimus, there is no need to take revenge now, you will get everything you want at the trial."

"No, I will drop my charges if he tells me how he snuck into the house without waking up Arcee."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Oh dear! I wish that guys would stop asking me out on dates!"

Ratchet:

"If you want everybody to step down, just say that you have an appointment with a venereologist next week."

* * *

><p>Red Alert:<p>

"Yesterday in the evening I was surrounded by a bunch of muggers!"

"Oh my! What happened?"

"The first one comes and I am like – take this! Then second one and I am like – take that! Then third one comes and I am like take this and that!"

"So what happened next?"

"Nothing. I ran out of money."

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Courtroom, Prowl – judge, Tracks – defending lawyer, Cliffjumper – prosecution.<p>

Tracks:

"Let's get some wine …"

"Objection! Let's get some ale …"

Prowl, drunk:

"Overruled! More vodka."

* * *

><p>Kup and Omega Supreme are arguing. Kup, drunk:<p>

"You are balder than me!"

"What? Neither of us have any hair!"

"You head is bigger than mine!"

* * *

><p>Optimus, drunk:<p>

"An old friend is better than two new ones. With fembots, it is the other way around."

* * *

><p>Hound and Prowl are talking about religion. Prowl:<p>

"So according to this Bible, who was the first human?"

"Adam."

"And what disaster happened?"

Optimus Prime, drunk:

"Eve."

* * *

><p>Prowl, nervously paces around his office. Red Alert walks in:<p>

"Yes, Prowl?"

"Um, I did something very stupid."

"What?"

"All right, here is the story. You know how I was absent for a few weeks on a mission on Cybertron?"

"Yes."

"All right, so, um, when we were done, the guys were celebrating and convinced me to drink with them. I was also typing up a letter to Jazz."

"Oh, that can't be good."

"So I type that I miss him, I am coming tomorrow and a bunch of things I will do to him in, um, bed. You catch my drift?"

"Yes, go on."

"Then I clicked send. On the next day on the way back to Earth, I check my email and it turns out that instead of sending it to just Jazz, I accidentally clicked on 'send to all contacts' button …"

"Holy Matrix!"

"I know! Most answers were 'All right! Can't wait!'"

* * *

><p>Kup is driving drunk. Kup:<p>

"Why are all the humans running away from us?"

Springer:

"Maybe it is because we are on a sidewalk."

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"Me, Grimlock, hate the police!"

Springer:

"What? Why?"

"Prowl took away my driving license! No first aid kit he says, missing a tire he said, going on a red light he said, in the wrong lane he said, backwards he said, drunk he said …"

* * *

><p>Kup understood that his childhood finished when his parents began hiding sake from him.<p>

* * *

><p>Border, train, 6 a.m. Prowl comes to check the luggage before the train crosses the border, yells out:<p>

"Weapons and drugs?"

Swindle, hangover, still sleeping:

"Get your own!"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Hey, Grimlock, what makes you drink so much?"

"Nothing. Me, Grimlock, volunteer."

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Bartender! Bring me the door! I gotta leave."

* * *

><p>Kup drags himself to medbay. Ratchet:<p>

"Hey, look! Another fan of drinking!"

"Hey! I am a professional!"

* * *

><p>Arcee and Hot Rod want to get drunk but Ratchet ordered to sell alcoholic beverages only if three people are present and so they are looking for another person to join them. Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Kup, wanna be third?"

Kup, drunk, looks Arcee over.

"I wouldn't even want to be the first."

* * *

><p>Rodimus Prime:<p>

"Scattershot, an example of destructiveness of alcohol, now."

"Why do I need to drag Grimlock here again?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Alcohol is a time machine, you drink it and there you are, in tomorrow."

* * *

><p>Optimus gets home drunk. Arcee:<p>

"Did you park the car in the garage?"

"Partially."

* * *

><p>Iron Hide, drunk, walks down the street and hits every lamp post. Prowl:<p>

"Iron Hide, do you need help?"

"No, count how many bumps do I have on my head?'

"Um, six."

"Oh, good! Two more and I am home!"

* * *

><p>Kup and Grimlock. Grimlock:<p>

"You , Kup, like vodka?"

"No."

"Gonna drink it?"

"Yes."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"So, Kup, what happened?"

Kup:

"Well, you see, Hot Rod, Blurr, Springer, Arcee, Seaspray, Smokescreen and me were all getting drunk, got pretty smashed. I wanted to show them this new shotgun I bought, when they saw it they all began running away."

"Uh-huh, go on."

"In order to have them come back I started shooting at them …"

* * *

><p>A tribe on some planet captured a Quintesson scientist, one of Galvatron's sweeps and Grimlock.<p>

"We will give you any 2 items you want, then you will have to jump over a river of sharkticons, poke out Shockwave's eye and rape Arcee, got it? Ok, who is first?"

The Quintesson asked for some energon and a whip, he ate the energon and came at the river filled with sharkticons only to be eaten by them.

The sweep asked for some energon and a gun, he ate the energon and came at the river filled with sharkticons with a gun only to be eaten by them

Grimlock asked for a bottle of vodka and a long stick, he drank the vodka, pole-vaulted over the river of sharkticons and walked into Shockwave's cave. After a few minutes they hear screams, loud noise and see Shockwave bolt out of the cave and run away. Grimlock, all beat up and wobbling asks:

"Where is Arcee? I need to poke out her eye!"

* * *

><p>A tribe of some planet captured a Quintesson scientist, one of Galvatron's sweeps and Grimlock.<p>

"We will give you 3 little metal balls and we will lock you up in these three rooms. If you come up with tricks that we never saw before, we will let you go."

On the next day, they come check.

The Quintesson juggled the balls, had them run in a loop on his tentacles.

"No, we already saw that. We eat you now."

The sweep made the balls chase one another and performed a few other tricks.

"No, we already saw that. We eat you now."

They were about to come see how Grimlock is doing when one of the tribesmen comes out of his room, laughing his ass off.

"What? What happened?"

"I never saw anything like this before! He broke the first, ate the second and lost the third."

* * *

><p>Optimus' son:<p>

"Mom, dad, I can no longer live with you two! I want to drink, hang out with girls and have fun!"

As he was leaving, Optimus:

"Wait!"

"Dad, it is useless to stop me."

"Stop you? Hell, I am coming with you."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Kup! You should eat healthier!"

"What are you talking about? I drink sake and eat pizza all the time! I am doing everything right!"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"V for victory!"

Optimus Prime:

"V for Voltron."

Wreck-Gar:

"V for Vendetta!"

Grimlock:

"V for vodka."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Everyone hates alarm clocks in two cases: when it sets off and when it doesn't."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Kup, did you get the certificate that you are mentally ill?"

"Yes but the Teletubbies stole it on my way here."

* * *

><p>Grimlock:<p>

"Me, Grimlock, angry!"

Springer:

"Why?"

"They say that me, Grimlock not smart."

"Well, I always thought you were rather smart but if you want to begin proving it to everyone else you should enter into the next story competition."

"Ok, me, Grimlock going to win competition!"

So the dinobot goes to the library and signs up. Prowl:

"This next story will need to be as short as possible and absolutely must contain religion, sex and mystery."

Everybody gets excited and runs off to write their story. Grimlock gets anxious, he doesn't know what to do so he takes a bottle of vodka and begins drinking. After getting really hammered he finally sits down , thinks for a minute, writes something down and eventually submits his piece. On the next day everybody gathers at the library, Grimlock with a major hangover crawls in:

"Did they announce the winner yet?"

"No but they are about to."

Prowl:

"After having to read all of your submissions, on average two pages long, the judging committee has finally come to a decision. The winner is," he pauses for a few seconds, sighs and continues, "Grimlock!"

"What? Me, Grimlock winner?"

"Yes, Grimlock, you are the winner. Would you mind if I read what you wrote to everyone present?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"Ahem, this is what Grimlock wrote 'Oh God, I am pregnant and I don't know who the father is!'"

* * *

><p>Kup wakes up with a hangover and looks at his ceiling where it says:<p>

"Tomorrow – no drinking."

"Thank goodness that's not today!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock is fishing. Te takes one fishing rod, puts some food on it and throws it in the water then he takes another one and does the same thing but throws the line behind himself.<p>

Prowl:

"All right, Grimlock, I get the one in front of you, but why do you need the fishing rod behind you?"

"Me, Grimlock, no say."

"Urgh, fine, here, now tell me why!"

"You, Prowl see this rod in front of Grimlock?"

"Yes."

"It caught nothing. You see the rod behind Grimlock?"

"Yes."

"It catch five other guys like you."

* * *

><p>Rodimus Prime does not believe that his son is really his so he asks Kup, who is drunk:<p>

"Hey, Kup, you think this is my son?"

"Yes! This is definitely your son!"

"What? How do you know?"

"He is bald, he screams, he doesn't understand anything and whines all the time."

* * *

><p>Prowl is reading a lecture on alcoholism:<p>

"… statistics show that if you drink and you are in a couple, there is a high chance that you will get separated …"

Optimus:

"So how much do I need to drink in order to separate a couple for sure?"

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus lines up his squad:<p>

"Who got drunk yesterday?"

Everybody is quiet. Ultra Magnus with an angrier tone:

"Who got drunk yesterday?"

Springer:

"I did."

"All right, come with me; let's get over this hang over and the rest of you 10 laps around the mountain."

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus and Ratchet are going around camp and check the water, Ultra Magnus:<p>

"Where do you get the water from?"

"We get the water from the pond not too far away from here."

"And how do you disinfect it?"

"First we boil it."

"Right, go on."

"Then we use a carbon filter."

"All right, sounds good. What's next?"

"Next we drink beer. Better not to risk it."

* * *

><p>Arcee is running away form someone and bumps into drunk Kup. Arcee:<p>

"Kup! Someone is trying to rape me!"

"Are they blind?"

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes:<span>**

**There you have it, hope you enjoyed it. More will be coming I am hoping soon, I will attempt to update once a week with this series. I assure you my delivery will become better.**

**Don't own Transformers.**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Little Tragedies, issue 3**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword<strong>

**Issue 3. Will post another one tomorrow or after tomorrow. I have up to 20 issues written at this point in time but I do not want to post all of it at once so I will be posting new ones now and then. The absolute minimum per week will always be 1.**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Teacher is crying. Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Teacher, why are you crying?"

"I read your 'My Summer' essays!"

"Were they that bad?"

"Now I know how I should have spent my summers."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"All right, Thundercracker, I think I have gotten rid of your megalomania."

Thundercraker:

"Good! I will give you this planet as a present!"

* * *

><p>A man comes to Thundercracker to ask his daughter's hand in marriage. Thundercracker:<p>

"So how will you support my little girl?"

"God will help me."

"So how are you going to fulfill her every wish?"

"God will help me."

"So how will you support your children?"

"God will help me."

"All right, you can marry my daughter; you have my blessing."

A little later, Sunstorm:

"Why did you let that guy marry our daughter?"

"I like it how he referenced to me as God."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy! We found two flies! A male and a female!"

"How do you know?"

"One was sitting on the mirror all the time and the other flew inside daddy's beer bottle."

* * *

><p>Ruble and Frenzy come running to Soundwave:<p>

"Daddy! Please don't get mad at us!"

"Inquiry: what happened?"

"We spilled some coffee!"

"I think it is not a big deal."

"That's what we think too …"

"… but your computer doesn't think that …"

"… it doesn't think at all anymore …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave once rubbed a lamp and a genie came out, genie:<p>

"Three wishes!"

"Urgh, fine, go ahead. What are they?"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Shockblast! We found an epic video game on daddy's computer and it is hard too! Come over and help us!"

"What's the game and how hard is it?"

"Online Accountant. We got beat by the government with taxes and then the second time when we sold the firm to Swindle."

* * *

><p>Shockblast's mom:<p>

"Shockblast, what were you doing in the washroom?"

"Mom, what do people do in washrooms?"

"You were smoking again!"

* * *

><p>Shockblast's parents:<p>

"Hey, you want to, you know …"

"But what if he is not asleep?"

"Hey! Shockblast! You sleeping? Bring us some water!"

After a few minutes they hear nothing so they get busy. Five minutes later:

"How much longer am I supposed to stand with a glass of water?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Red Alert runs into the apartment at 4 a.m. in the morning, Inferno:<p>

"Where were you?"

"I was running!"

"But you are not sweating …"

"Oh, ya, sweat, but where are my clothes – THAT you don't wonder about?"

* * *

><p>In the mental asylum, Wheelie is walking down the hall and he has a rope with a toothbrush tied to the end of it. Ratchet:<p>

"Hey, Wheelie, is that a dog?"

"No, Ratchet, can't you see? This is a toothbrush!"

"Hm, sorry."

Ratchet walks away, Wheelie turns to the toothbrush:

"Success! We fooled him, Sparky!"

* * *

><p>Arcee was charged to babysit Grimlock and at some point comes to Ratchet. Arcee:<p>

"Ratchet, Grimlock is behaving himself very weirdly."

"Weird how?"

"He drinks oil in the morning."

"I drink oil in the morning too."

"No no, he drinks oil in the morning from a huge cup."

"I drink oil in the morning from a huge cup too."

"No no, he drinks oil in the morning from a huge cup, then he eats the cup and the only thing left is the cup holder."

"Hm, weird indeed, the cup holder is the tastiest part."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing asks Swindle:<p>

"Hey, Swindle, how do you make a fortune?"

"First you need a sum of money, not big but at least a little one."  
>"And how do you get that?"<p>

"First you need a gun, not big, but at least a little one.

* * *

><p>Arcee comes to Ratchet:<p>

"Ratchet, I am already three months pregnant and I got no tummy!"

"Do you eat oranges?"

"No, why, do you need to?"

"Yes!"

Three months later, Arcee:

"Ratchet! I am already six months pregnant and I got no tummy!"

"Do you eat pineapples?"

"No, why, do I need to?"

"Yes!"

Three months later, Arcee:

"Ratchet! I am already nine months pregnant and I got no tummy!"

"Arcee, did you have sex?"

"No, why, do I need to?"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Wheeljack, who let you write our anti-virus program?"

"Huh? Um, eh, that wasn't … me … I don't … write … anti-virus programs …"

"Oh really?"

"Um, ya, I mean, I am an engineer! You want, um, Perceptor on that, yes! Perceptor!"

"Uh-huh, so you DIDN'T try combining an image sharing program with an anti-virus?"

"Wh-wh-wh-why? What makes you say that?"

"Here."

The Anti-virus has found a threat. Course of action:

Fix it.

Neutralize it.

Make it go boom.

Put it in quarantine.

Share it with your friends.

* * *

><p>Rodimus Prime goes to a museum and sits in a chair. Museum employee:<p>

"Sir! You can't sit in this chair! This is where Alpha Trion sat as he came up with new ways to defeat the Decepticons back during The Great War!"

"Relax, if he comes, I will let him take it."

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Ratchet, what are the symptoms of syphilis?"

"Your manhood gets red and skin gets flacky."

"Oh! Mine turned black and fell off! It's good that I don't have syphilis!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"I got some bad news for you."

"What? Am I dying?"

"No, we will begin treating you."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Huffer, I got good news and bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"You got some new type of virus that we have never encountered before and there is no cure."

"Oh, great, and the good news?"

"We will call it after you."

* * *

><p>Telephone rings, Ratchet picks up:<p>

"Hello?"

"Ratchet! You gotta help us! Arcee is giving birth!"

"All right, is this her first child?"

"No! It's her husband, you dumbass!

* * *

><p>Smokescreen:<p>

"So, Arcee, have you encountered any examples of megalomania in your family?"

"Yes, my husband sometimes says that he is the head of the family."

* * *

><p>Training session, Ultra Magnus:<p>

"Springer, show how you tie a sailor's knot."

"Take a pair of headphones, put them in your pocket, take them out and you are done!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Ratchet, I have been having some problems in bed, can you recommend anything?"

"I can prescribe you some Viagra."

"No, I don't want that. You got any more natural means?"

"Optimus, do you NOT have the Internet?"

* * *

><p>Ratchet is being sued. Lawyer:<p>

"Is it true that you did not check the pulse?"

"Yes."

"Is it true that you did not check the blood pressure?"

"Yes."

"Is it true that you did not check the breathing rate?"

"Yes."

"So he could have been alive."

"No, he wasn't."

"What makes you so sure?"

"His brains were in a tray right next to him."

"Yes but would it still not be possible for him to be alive?"

"Yes, it is possible that he was alive and practicing law."

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Now shut your mouth and tell me where you were!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"I am not asking where you were! I am asking you where you just came from!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus asks Springer:<p>

"Soldier! Do you know how to swim?"

"Yes!"

"Where did you learn?"

"In the water!"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack:<p>

"Since we established a truce with the Decepticons we are supposed to send them our old war machines for melting down."

Cliffjumper:

"But we have to do all this work with war machines! Wouldn't it be easier if we sent them our rockets?"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Cliffjumper, you have been proven guilty. You can ask for 3 things before death row."

"A bazooka, unlimited ammo and HOLD ON TIGHT!"

* * *

><p>Arcee cuddling with Optimus:<p>

"Sweetie, do you love me?"

"Yes."

"A lot?"

"A lot."

"And what do you love the most?"

"Bourbon."

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Blitzwing got lost in a forest:<p>

"Hello? Anybody?"

Grimlock comes out of nowhere, drunk, with his sword out and gun in his hand, really pissed off:

"Da hell you screaming?"

"I was hoping to find someone."

"Well, you found me, what now?"

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"Wheeljack! I have done something really stupid!"

Wheeljack, drunk:

"What?"

"I accidentally pressed a button that deleted all of our accounts!"

"Everybody's?"

"Yes! Even Optimus'!"

"And I am guessing you want to cover your ass?"

"Um …"

"Just do what I do, fake a virus attack. How do you think I made it millions of years as IT manager?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"You know what's the difference between Rodimus' brain and a chessboard?"

Springer:

"What?"

"The chessboard has more cells."

* * *

><p>Kup got a part time job as a bartender. One day a horse walks in and says:<p>

"Give me a glass of scotch and a pickle."

Kup:

"First time I see a pickle used as an appetizer."

* * *

><p>Kup calls Grimlock:<p>

"Hey, Grimlock, did we drink sake yesterday?"

"Yes."

"Did we drink vodka?"

"Yes."

"Did we drink rocket fuel?"

"Yes."

"Did you go to the washroom yet?"

"No."

"Don't go to the washroom! I am calling from Tokyo."

* * *

><p>Hound, after being stationed in Russia for a few years:<p>

"That country has two problems: dumbasses and roads. However, both of these problems are compensated by vodka – drunk dumbasses don't give a crap about the road."

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, fell off the top of the Empire State Building and people begin flocking him:<p>

"What happened?"

"Me, Grimlock, not know, Grimlock just came himself!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Issue 3, more is coming, like I said, there will be a lot more, I don't even know if I will ever run out of jokes, doubt it.**

**In any case, a little request from you guys, if you see any jokes that repeat themselves, please, tell me, I really do not like repeating myself, I strive to bring fresh material every time.**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing.**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Little Tragedies, Issue 4**_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword<strong>

**Issue 4 is up! Yay! Delivery keeps improving, I hope. As you will see, I eventually pick up characters best suited for certain jokes or situations. I may make a mistake here and there but come on! We all do mistakes! Plus, come on, really, are you honestly going to post a hate comment because you think that I didn't do a good job on one of them? Grow up.**

**In any case, enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<span>**

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy! We were in The Grand Museum of Cybertron today! It was a class trip!"

Tracks:

"Oh, neat! What did you like best?"

"Arcee's skirt ripped off …"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Daddy! Can you write your signature with your eyes closed?"

"Affirmative."

"Can you do that on our report cards?"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy! We just saw a huge bulldozer like whole 10 stories tall!"

Tracks:

"I told you billions of times not to exaggerate!"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Rumble! Frenzy! Who taught you that word?"

"Santa did when he tripped over Ravage."

* * *

><p>Soundwave when he was picking an apartment:<p>

"Concern: is this apartment quiet?"

Swindle:

"Oh, yeah! It is very quiet, no noise- hell, they didn't even hear how the previous owner was shot!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave:<p>

"Vacation was great! The ocean, the fruits, Tracks! Inquiry: How was yours?"

Swindle:

"Mine wasn't that great actually. A dirty pool, vegetables and Arcee."

* * *

><p>Warpath comes to Ratchet:<p>

"All right, Warpath, do you talk in your sleep?"

"More like I talk to people when they sleep."

"Huh?"

"I am a university professor."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Hey, Shockwave, I didn't know you were studying to be a doctor too!"

"Indeed I was!"

"What made you change your mind?"

"It was rather boring with anesthetics."

* * *

><p>Arcee to Ratchet:<p>

"I have noticed that I begun gaining weight, can you suggest anything to me?"

"Do you eat pastry?"

"No."

"No bread?"

"No."

"What? No sweets at all?"

"No."

"All right, what food do you like?"

"I like oranges …"

"WELL YOU CAN'T EAT THEM!"

* * *

><p>Shockblast to a psychiatrist:<p>

"I have a monster under my bed."

"Just send him off somewhere …"

On the next day a monster comes:

"Hey, Shockblast told me to come here …"

* * *

><p>Ramjet comes to Ratchet:<p>

"I have a problem …"

"Do you drink?"

"No."

"Do you have unprotected sex?"

"No."

"Do you smoke?"

"No."

"Then?"

"I lie …"

* * *

><p>Swindle was once mistaken for a doctor, Bulkhead:<p>

"Doctor! I have trouble breathing!"

"Can you breathe with just your left lung?"

"No."

"Can you breathe with just your right lung?"

"No. Oh, slag! Doctor! Am I going to be fine?"

"Yup, buy a three months subscription for Channel FISHit and you should be fine."

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Seaspray, Powerglide, Warpath and Cosmos ... forever alone …<p>

* * *

><p>Everybody else unmentioned … forever alone …<p>

* * *

><p>Optimus comes to Arcee's dad:<p>

"Sir, may I ask for your daughter's hand?"

"Well, aren't you a sly one? Take the whole thing!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I met him at 20 and I left him at 23 …"

Springer:

"Yeah, I agree, three hours is more than enough."

* * *

><p>An new Autobot comes to Arcee:<p>

"Excuse me, when I see your smile I really want to meet you and …"

Arcee blushes.

"… no no! Don't be embarrassed, I am a dentist!"

* * *

><p>Prowl wants to prove that ghosts don't exist so he goes to one of the most haunted castles on Earth and asks one of the men taking care of it:<p>

"Excuse me, during your stay here, have you seen any ghosts at all?"

"No, that is quite amazing actually. They say that this whole place is haunted but in the 800 years that I lived here, I haven't seen a single one."

* * *

><p>Optimus is trying to do his own laundry:<p>

"Arcee, what do I do with the machine? What setting?"

"Look at your shirt, what does it say?"

"W.I.F.E. – washing, ironing, f******, etc."

* * *

><p>Arcee and Elita One are sitting at a bar. Tracks comes by and they ask him:<p>

"Hey, Tracks, want to have some beer and maybe some 'fun' later?"

"Sorry ladies, I am here to get laid."

* * *

><p>Arcee is showing Optimus her childhood album:<p>

"… and see this picture with a little kid on this old woman's lap? What do you think? You like me?"

"Yeah but who is the little kid …"

* * *

><p>Plane, Springer exits the cockpit with a parachute and sighs.<p>

Red Alert:

"What's wrong?"

Springer sighs again. Red Alert:

"What's wrong?"

Springer sighs another time. Red Alert:  
>"WHAT'S WRONG?"<p>

Springer:

"Eh, problems at work."

* * *

><p>Springer to all recruits:<p>

"Nobody tell Rodimus that the Earth is round, he will make us straighten it out."

* * *

><p>In prison, Swindle and Blitzwing are talking. Swindle:<p>

"So I got this girlfriend …"

"Dude, you are in prison for 2 million years; she forgot you by now, or got a new boyfriend …"

"That she did not!"

"How do you know?"

"She is in prison too."

* * *

><p>Arcee dressed up as a fairy tale character:<p>

"Hey, Optimus, sweety! I came to you from a fairy tale!"

"From which one?"

"From a good one!"

"They kicked you out?"

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Who ate my sausages?"

"Some cat …"

"What a pig!"

* * *

><p>Elita One and Arcee are talking. Elita One:<p>

"What's wrong? You seem tired!"

"I didn't get any sleep …"

"A nightmare?"

"Yeah."

"Tell me!"

"I don't really …"

"No! Come on! It will make you feel better!"

"All right, fine. So Lightspeed and Tracks come to my apartment and begin fighting over me."

"Oh, wow! They are both so cute! Aren't they? That's not a nightmare! That's a really pleasant dream!"

"Yeah, they are but …"

"So who won?"

"Optimus."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

Hot Rod's dad:

"Sweety! Come here! He finally smartened up!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod, happy:<p>

"Guys! I finally got a girlfriend! I have been chasing girls for so long and she is just so much better than the rest!"

Springer:

"She runs slower than the rest?"

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"Wheeljack, what are you working on?"

"I am working on a mirror with built-in photoshop."

"What? Why? We only have five fembots!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet at some point had to fill in as one of the doctors in a mental asylum.<p>

Patient 1:

"What's your name?"

Patient 2:

"Julius Caesar."

Patient 1:

"How do you know?"

Patient 2:

"God told me."

From another cell:

"He is lying! I never told him anything!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet back in medical school. His professor:<p>

"I, for one, can stand all the gore in any operation."

Ratchet:

"Experience?"

"No, bad vision."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"All right, Hot Rod, you will be taking these pills for the rest of your life."

"… but it says here for 2 months."

"Yes, I just said that."

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first operation, he is assisting. Ratchet to Hot Rod (patient):<p>

"Would you like a cheap anesthetic or an expensive one?"

Hot Rod:

"A cheap one please."

"Twinkle twinkle little star …"

* * *

><p>After the operation, Ratchet comes to Hot Rod and asks him how he is feeling:<p>

"I am better but I have a head ache …"

"Sorry kid, we ran out of anesthetics …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Ratchet! You are a doctor! Know any doctor jokes?"

"What jokes? I am tired! How about you swing a chainsaw for a few decacyles and see for yourself …"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"… but Ratchet! I really am sick!"

"You are not really sick, it is your mind playing tricks on you! Just keep telling yourself that you are not sick and you should be fine."

Springer stands up and is about to leave, Ratchet:

"Wait! You didn't pay me!"

"It is your mind playing tricks on you! Just keep telling yourself that you were paid and you should be fine …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod looking at his medical history:<p>

"Hey, Ratchet, what does F.I.I.K. stand for in the section of current maladies?"

"Fuck if I know."

* * *

><p>Rodimus peeks at his medical history.<p>

"No mental or psychological problems noted, he is just an idiot …"

* * *

><p>Alpha Trion:<p>

"I keep forgetting things!"

Ratchet:

"For how long have this been going on?"

"What?"

"You forgetting things."

"What things?"

* * *

><p>Ratchet picks up the phone:<p>

"Hello?"

"Hey, Ratchet! I drank 10 liters of milk, ate 50 pickles, 40 apples, 5 bars of chocolate and 12 steaks. I have a question: should I wash the strawberries or does it matter anymore?"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"All right, Grimlock, what seems to be the problem?"

"Me, Grimlock, first eat lots of fish, ate a stuffed bun, then 3 kegs of olives, drank 30 liters of milk, 20 jars of pickles, 50 water melons, 50 steaks, 10 kilograms of wasabi, a chair, a video camera, part of the rec room, drank 70 gallons of coffee, 25 pizzas and lots of Pixie Sticks. Grimlock think got food poisoning from stuffed bun."

* * *

><p>Ratchet back in medical school, his professor:<p>

"We, surgeons, have so many enemies in life!"

Someone from the crowd:

"Especially in afterlife."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Ratchet! My tummy hurts!"

"All right, lie down, I will amputate your ears."

"WHAT?"

Hot Rod comes to Hoist:

"Hoist! My tummy hurts! Ratchet wanted to amputate my ears!"

"Oh, goodness, these surgeons always want to cut things. Here, take these pills, your ears will fall off by themselves."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Hot Rod, I got good news and I got bad news."

"What's the bad news?"

"Your relationships with fembots fail because you are homosexual."

"And the good news?"

"You are very cute …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not …"

Hot Rod:

"Leave my teeth alone!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hoist, do you have anything for weight loss? Something cheap?"

"Yes, duct tape."

"What do I do with it?"

"Tape it to your mouth."

* * *

><p>"Hey, Ratchet, every time I look in the mirror I feel nauseous, what's wrong with me?"<p>

"Nothing, Arcee, but your vision seems to be fine."

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Drunk Blitzwing comes to the cafeteria:<p>

"Hey, guys! Want me to bring a tank inside?"

Everybody has been very curious lately as to how far some of them would go once they are drunk so they thought, hey, why not?

"Sure, bring it."

"All right!"

A few minutes later Blitzwing runs back in with a huge letter "T" on his back.

"What is this?"

"Tank! I need to find A, N and K now."

* * *

><p>Arcee and Optimus had a kid, Ratchet delivered the baby and it turns out the kid was a Decepticon. He didn't know how to tell this to Optimus Prime so he gave Iron Hide a huge keg of beer:<p>

"Ok, Iron Hide, here is what you are going to do: you will tell Optimus about his kid, that he shouldn't worry, it happens, you know, like with humans; genes, mutations and so on."

Iron Hide got drunk off that keg of beer, and finally found Optimus:

"Hey! Optimus! Arcee gave birth! You got a human Decepticon mutant! Called him Gene!"

* * *

><p>"Hey, Cliffjumper, have you ever tried spiritism to deal with your anger problem?"<p>

"No, I only drink ale."

* * *

><p>At some point, Hound got a part time job of a guide at some of Earth's oldest architectural sites:<p>

"… and this statue is over three thousand years old!"

Rodimus, drunk:

"How? It is 2011!"

* * *

><p>At a party, a fembot comes up to drunk Optimus:<p>

"Excuse me, are you married?"

"Kinda, not really …"

* * *

><p>Megatron, drunk, has to give a speech; all his soldiers gathered to hear it:<p>

"My fellow Decepticons … OH MY GOD! YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, comes to Ratchet:<p>

"Ratchet! I poke my leg, it hurts! I poke my face, it hurts! I poke my chest, it hurts!"

"Rodimus, your finger is broken."

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, in an elevator:<p>

"Was it Virgo? No, Scorpio? No, Taurus? Oh, hell."

Goes back to Ratchet:

"Was it Libra? No, wait! Capricorn!"

Ratchet:

"Cancer."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Kup! How many bottles of sake do you drink in a day?"

"Four."

"I said that you can drink only two!"

"Smokescreen also said that I can drink two …"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Today I will probably post another one but that will depend on my mood. I am up to 22 now and writing 23!**

**Do not forget to comment!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for reviewing and editing!**


	5. Chapter 5

_**Little Tragedies, Issue 5**_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword<strong>

**Issue 5 is here, 6 and 7 will follow shortly, hopefully. I am constantly working on bettering the quality of the humor, I have rejected a whole load of jokes that I just couldn't write down because they were either obscene, disgusting, completely inappropriate or just plain out wrong.**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy get on the bus with Ravage. Bus driver:<p>

"Is this your pet?"

"Yeah."

"Did you pay for it?"

"No, it was present."

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"Shockblast, can you recite the whole alphabet for the class?"

"Sure. Q, W, E, R, T, Y …"

* * *

><p>Swindle:<p>

"Ratchet, what's wrong with me?"

"You have kleptomania."

"What does that mean?"

"You are addicted to stealing."

"How can you treat it?"

"I will tell you but first give me back my wallet."

* * *

><p>Swindle at an interview. Ultra Magnus:<p>

"Did you use to work with banks?"

"Yes."

"In what field?"

"Robbing."

* * *

><p>In elementary school. Sentinel:<p>

"Mommy! I scored twice today during soccer!"

"Really? Wow! What was the score?"

"1:1."

* * *

><p>Prowl is skiing down the mountain at a frightening speed when Kup with Rumble and Frenzy passed by him going even faster, as if Prowl was simply standing. At the bottom of the mountain, Prowl:<p>

"Kup! Aren't you afraid of going that fast?"

"Me? No. The kids? A little... they don't drink."

* * *

><p>Shockwave when he was studying to be a doctor. Patient:<p>

"Doctor! A shark bit off my arm!"

"Yeah, they can do that …"

* * *

><p>Shockwave's recruiting campaign:<p>

"We need good hackers, leave resume on Soundwave Communications Incorporated home page."

* * *

><p>Soundwave comes to Swindle:<p>

"Inquiry: do you have any silver colored Ramjetguini's?"

"Sure but didn't you buy one yesterday?"

"The ashtrays are full."

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"Wow, Rumble and Frenzy! You guys got the highest grades in years! What happened there?"

"The Internet was down yesterday."

* * *

><p>Soundwave was sued, he showed up in court and the trial began. The plaintiff's every argument was torn to shreds. At recess, Swindle:<p>

"How could you tell that the lawyer is lying?"

"Answer: his lips components were moving."

* * *

><p>Shockblast:<p>

"Hey! Dad! Wanna go sled?"

"Yes! Let's go!"

An hour later:

"Dad! I am never going to sled with you ever again!"

"Less talk, more pull!"

* * *

><p>Shockblast:<p>

"Hey, dad, what does 'screwed' mean?"

"Huh? Where did you hear that?"

"I heard mom talk over the phone with one of her friends, she said 'I made soup out of those mushrooms and now my idiot is screwed'…"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy at a paintball game. Shockblast:<p>

"Guys! We just ran out of ammo! What do we do?"

"We go melee fight, take out your paint brushes!"

* * *

><p>Blurr is teamed up with Grimlock to run a marathon. A few minutes into the event, Grimlock takes out his sword, gun and charges the other contestants:<p>

"Blurr! Run! Grimlock will cover you!"

* * *

><p>French oral exam, Shockblast exists the class. Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Well? Did you pass?"

"Yes!'

"What did he ask?"

"Hell if I know, he was speaking French."

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"Kids! How can we prove that water attracts water?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Easy! Every time we take a bath, the telephone rings!"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy are arguing. Rumble:<p>

"Life begins when you are conceived."

Frenzy:

"Life begins when you are born!"

Shockblast:

"Guys, life begins when mom and dad leave for a vacation."

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"Rumble! Frenzy! Are you two listening to me?"

"Yes!"

"Then repeat the last thing I said."

"All right. 'Rumble! Frenzy! Are you two listening to me?'."

* * *

><p>Back in university, Perceptor lost a bet so he had to attend a religion class. Professor asks Perceptor:<p>

"What is the Force of God?"

"Mass of God times Acceleration of God."

* * *

><p>Tracks in first grade:<p>

"Daddy! I don't get it! It is first class but the chairs are made out of wood!"

* * *

><p>Swindle to his girlfriend:<p>

"Honey! I got us out of the economical crisis!"

"Honestly?"

"No, the usual way …"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Daddy! Could you get some polar bears to Australia?"

"Inquiry: yes, why?"

"If you don't we are gonna get an F in geography."

* * *

><p>Bumblebee – 400 dollars a week – better than I thought!<p>

Bulkhead – 800 dollars a week – pretty good but a little "meh" on the side.

Sentinel – 900 dollars a week – could be worse …

Megatron – 100 000 000 dollars a week – not bad!

Soundwave – 1 000 000 000 dollars a week – why so little?

* * *

><p>Kids are arguing. Shockblast:<p>

"My dad is so fast, he can run 100 meters in just a few seconds!"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Our dad is so fast, he can go to the other side of the planet in under an hour!"

Some kid:

"My dad is so fast, he finishes work at 16:30 and is home at 15:45 already!"

"Who is your dad?"

"Blurr."

* * *

><p>Jetfire and Jetstorm ask Wheeljack:<p>

"Be what rum?"

"Oh, it is, um, basically it is vodka for pirates …"

"Unlicensed?"

* * *

><p>Shockwave:<p>

"Hey, Blitzwing, Blackarachnia, where will you go for your vacation?"

Blitzwing:

"If Lugnut gives me my money back then we will go to Germany or Cuba maybe."

"And if he chooses not to?"

Blackarachnia:

"Then we will go to him …"

* * *

><p>Shockblast to his dad:<p>

"Dad! I don't get it, why do hockey players need sticks? They can just kick the thing with their feet!"

"They got ice skates on their feet."

"Well, what about arms?"

"They need arms to beat each other."

"Well, what about their heads?"

"They got helmets on their heads."

"Holy crap! It's so complicated!"

* * *

><p>Warpath and Ratchet are talking. Warpath:<p>

"I have such a stupid class! I explain to them once, they don't get it; I explain it to them twice, they still don't get it. I explain the material to them the third time, I began understanding it but they still didn't get it!"

* * *

><p>Jetstorm and Jetfire were once visiting Ratchet but because his office had been relocated, they had some trouble finding him. At some point they stumbled on a very, very dark room and saw two red eyes dimly glowing deep from within.<p>

"A Decepticon!" the twins thought.

"Your mother is a Decepticon!" Starscream thought.

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>The real reason why the Autobots left Cybertron. Optimus Prime:<p>

"Mom! Stop showing everyone naked pictures of me!"

* * *

><p>The real reason why the Decepticons left Cybertron. Megatron:<p>

"Mom! It's called knocking!"

* * *

><p>The reason why the Decepticons left Cybertron. Shockwave:<p>

"Stop showing me naked pictures of Optimus Prime!"

* * *

><p>Arcee and Swindle:<p>

"Oh! Naked pictures of Optimus Prime!"

* * *

><p>Unicron:<p>

"You were built by a mere Autobot!"

Grimlock:

"You were built by a monkey …"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack's last words to Grimlock:<p>

"… and remember kid, whenever in trouble, just reverse the polarities …"

* * *

><p>Blaster after watching Headmasters spin-off:<p>

"I AM NOT BILLY!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave after watching Headmasters spin-off:<p>

"New Soundwave: are you freaking kidding me?"

* * *

><p>Optimus after watching Masterforce and Victory:<p>

"I come back as WHAT?"

* * *

><p>Huffer after watching Doctor Who:<p>

"… more like RETARDIS, eh? Am I right? Nghengheeheheheheheheh …"

Wheeljack:

"And this is why nobody hangs out with you."

* * *

><p>Huffer:<p>

"… so I will die from this disease?"

"No, let's look at it more positively; if I cure you, I will become famous."

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Prowl, I think that somebody is living in my refrigerator."

"How come?"

"My wife keeps putting food there."

* * *

><p>Back in medical school, one of Ratchet's professors is going down the hall, screaming in rage. Ratchet:<p>

"Professor! Why are you so mad?"

"We are going to be using computers from now on to write out prescriptions!"

"Um, isn't that good?"

"Now people will be able to understand my writing!"

* * *

><p>There was a horrible accident, Ratchet just got into the hospital to help out. He sees one of his professors exit one of the operating rooms and come up to a man:<p>

"I have some bad news. We had to amputate her arms and legs, she suffered severe brain damage, she can't remember anyone if she ever wakes up from the coma that is …"

The man wobbles, about to faint when The Professor pats him on the shoulder and says with a smile:

"Kidding! She is dead …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"One of my patients thinks he is Napoleon!"

Hound:

"Just send him off to an island."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Ratchet! I can't sleep! Every time I close my eyes I see Decepticons play Chaarball!"

"I can prescribe you some sleeping pills, start taking them today."

"Can I begin taking them tomorrow?"

"Why?"

"It's gonna be the finals."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Time heals all disease …"

Springer:

"So that's why we have to wait for so long!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Next!"

Huffer:

"Ratchet! Lately people don't seem to notice me …"

Ratchet:

"Next!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet is preparing for a surgery so he puts on latex gloves. Red Alert, falling asleep:<p>

"Ratchet, why do you put on gloves?"

"I don't want to leave finger prints."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Ratchet, I am a nudist."

"Then why are you all dressed up?"

"I am such a pervert."

* * *

><p>Ever since Cybertron was taken back and most of the battles took place there, The Ark suffered funding cuts. Warpath:<p>

"All right, Blustreak, meet our new accountant!"

"… but that's our system administrator!"

"Yeah, she is also our plumber and cook."

* * *

><p>Optimus calls Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Arcee, it is a short day at work today so I will come home late."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"I am scared of losing my job!"

"Really? You? It's not like you do anything anyway!"

"True but they will stop paying me!"

* * *

><p>Prowl comes to inspect a prison where Swindle applied. He comes, sees that there are no guards what so ever but all the prisoners are in their cells, sitting at computers doing something. Prowl:<p>

"Swindle, what's going on?"

"Simple, I give them Internet."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing, back when he was a police officer:<p>

"Arcee, you can't swim in this lake."

"Why didn't you tell me that before I begun undressing?"

"It is not illegal to undress."

* * *

><p>Optimus Prime to Elita One:<p>

"In my entire life I encountered only one smart fembot."

"Who?"

"You! Dumbass!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"What kind of fights can there be between two people who are in love?"

"Just some small stuff: a black eye, a beat up face, a ripped off arm, a broken spine, severe brain damage …"

* * *

><p>Millions of years later, Arcee and Optimus Prime are old. Arcee:<p>

"Sweety, we have been married for so long! Do you still love me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Why the slag …"

* * *

><p>"Hey, Sunstreaker! I came up with an awesome prank!"<p>

"Really? Do tell!"

"So we go to Wheeljack's lab …"

"Eh, Sideswipe, I wouldn't suggest it."

"Why not?"

"Have you seen the new warning sign on the door?"

"What does it say?"

"Trespassers will be prostituted."

* * *

><p>Mirage:<p>

"This is an outrage!"

Hound:

"What?"

"I was winning the race back in Saint Petersburg when a minibus accidentally drove onto the track!"

"Oh! You crashed into it?"

"No, it won!"

Author's Note: minibus = маршрутка … this is a Russian joke …

* * *

><p>Springer sees Hot Rod all bandaged up in a wheelchair:<p>

"What happened to you?"

"I went to the gym and Iron Hide accidentally dropped a weight."

"On you?"

"No, on his foot. I laughed."

* * *

><p>Springer to Hot Rod:<p>

"Ok, a little to the left, keep going left, now turn around; a little to the right, a little more. All right, now get out of the tank and see what you did."

* * *

><p>Medical school, exam. Ratchet's patient:<p>

"Doctor! I am dying!"

The Professor:

"Quiet! This is an exam!"

* * *

><p>Huffer:<p>

"Hey, Ratchet, I think I am invisible."

"Who said that?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I am really sorry Ratchet to get you out of the house in this horrible weather."

"Nah, that's ok, I got another call from the area anyway, gonna kill two birds with one stone."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Hey, Huffer, do you have any friends that passed away?"

"Yeah."

"In that case I got good news."

"What?"

"You will be reunited."

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus:<p>

"Scattershot! It is a noble thing you do that you do not fight anymore."

"Yeah, I remembered that dad always taught me to never fight."

"What? Grimlock? Really?"

"He taught me to kill …"

* * *

><p>Court room, Prowl:<p>

"Do you recognize this knife?"

Swindle:

"Yes."

"How do you recognize it?"

"You have been showing it to me for three weeks."

* * *

><p>Arcee to Optimus Prime:<p>

"Sweety, I should warn you that I can only cook two things: energon butter soup and salad."

"So which of the two is this?"

* * *

><p>Elita One and Chromia meet up a few weeks after graduating university. Chromia:<p>

"I got a job! What about you?"

"Work is not for me! I was made for love!"

"That's a profession too …"

* * *

><p>"Springer!"<p>

"Present!"

"Blurr!"

"Here!"

"Hot Rod!"

"Here!"

"Arcee!"

"Here!"

"Wow, a fembot …"

"Here!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus looked at Blitzwing and Shockwave riding on motorcycles.<p>

"Bikers," he thought.

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Thank you, Ratchet! I am no longer deaf! How much do I owe you?"

"50 dollars."

"Ratchet! 800 is a little too much, don't you think?"

Ratchet, happily:

"500! 500!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Ratchet, for how long can you live without a brain?"

"How old are you?"

* * *

><p>Blitzwing and Shockwave stop Soundwave and ask him to show them his passport. Blitzwing:<p>

"Sir, I think there is a problem with your photo …"

"Just ignore the tiny guys …"

* * *

><p>Optimus Prime decided to go for a walk around The Ark. A few minutes later he hears someone cry and after a minute of searching he sees Grimlock and Scattershot in one of the rooms, bawling like little babies:<p>

"What happened?"

"Someone stole our books!"

"WHAT?"

"Both of them! We didn't even begin coloring in the second one!"

* * *

><p>Hound:<p>

"I can f*ck up anyone with just one of my fingers!"

Red Alert:

"What? You are that good at fighting?"

"No, I am a photographer."

* * *

><p>At some point in his life, Hot Rod used to be a security guard at a cemetery. One day he comes up to his administrator:<p>

"I think I am going to quit …"

"What? Why?"

"Well, it says everywhere "Rest in Peace" or "They found Peace here". I mean what is this, all of them are resting and I am the only one who works?"

* * *

><p>Hound:<p>

"I feel like Robinson Cruso sometimes."

Iron Hide:

"Why?"

"I miss Friday."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod talks to Springer:<p>

"Hey, Springer, how are things at work?"

"Eh, I got fired."

"For what?"

"Hell if I know, haven't been there for a 3 months."

* * *

><p>At some point in his life, Kup was homeless:<p>

"Excuse me, would you happen to have some bread or something?"

"Sure, here."

One day:

"Excuse me, would happen to have cake?"

"You always asked for bread and why are you asking for cake?"

"It's my birthday."

* * *

><p>Tracks, erotically:<p>

"Hot Rod, wakey wakey …"

"I am Perceptor!"

"WHAT? It's Monday? Already?"

* * *

><p>Red Alert at some point worked as a security officer on a spaceship. One day there was this flight: everything was great, all customers made it on time, smooth lift off; they are already in space. Suddenly, Red Alert hears hysteric laughing in the cockpit:<p>

"What's wrong?"

"Ah, I imagine the panic in the mental asylum when they notice that I am gone!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Optimus, do you know what day it will be tomorrow?"

"Yeah, it's the 10th anniversary of our marriage."

"So how will the celebration go?"

"What celebration?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! Take out the garbage!"

"Oh, come on! I just sat down!"

Arcee, with an understanding tone:

"What were you doing before?"

"Sleeping."

* * *

><p>Arcee's mom:<p>

"Where the hell were you?"

"I was out."

"Will you listen to this? She was out! Back in my days …"

"Back in your days, I was 6 months old."

* * *

><p>Prowl's Chaarball team beat everybody else's and won the Galactic Championship.<p>

"How did you manage to do it?"

"Well, I put Grimlock on offense, that guy is unstoppable. As intermediate I put Blurr, he is all over the field and steals the ball quickly. As defense I put Warpath, he just blasts the crap out of anyone who comes near and Mirage as goalie."

"Why Mirage?"

"They have no idea where the goalie is."

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus is training recruits:<p>

"You! Lift up this tank!"

The recruit tries but can't even budge the machine.

"Sir! I can't!"

"You! You try lifting up the tank!"

The other recruit tries but, too, failed.

"Sir! I can't!"

"All right, now all of you try it."

The whole squad tries to lift up the war machine but they can't move it a single inch.

"Sir! It won't budge!"

"Of course it won't! It's 72 tonnes!"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Middle of the night, Kup, Springer, Hot Rod and Blurr are drunk and are walking around in the park. Every single light post they come across randomly turns off and when they distance themselves, they turn back on. Eventually they figured out that Kup created that effect.<p>

"Dude! How do you do this?"

"Yeah, it happens when I am around."

* * *

><p>At some point Grimlock was a lumberjack. One day he got drunk on the job. On the next day in the newspapers:<p>

"A drunk lumberjack using an axe to fend off mosquitoes cut away 100 squared kilometers of forest."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Ratchet! I got carrots growing out of my ears!"

"What? That's impossible!"

"I know! I thought I was growing zucchinis."

* * *

><p>Ratchet, filling up Kup's medical history:<p>

"Do you drink?"

"Do you have?"

* * *

><p>Huffer:<p>

"Rodimus! Can I get a 3 week vacation? I will be getting married."

Rodimus, drunk:

"Who would be stupid enough to ever do that?"

"Your mother."

* * *

><p>Drunk Optimus:<p>

"Hey! Hot Rod! Go to this job seeking site."

"All right, I am on the site."

"Now look for a new job."

* * *

><p>Arcee to Optimus, after drinking a shot once she got off the phone:<p>

"My mother is coming over."

Optimus remains silent.

"She is coming for a few weeks."

Optimus doesn't say a word.

"I am so happy that you are not angry!"

Optimus heavily sighs.

"STOP SCREAMING AT ME!"

* * *

><p>Morning, Arcee to hungover Optimus:<p>

"Hey, sweety, do you know hat day it is today?"

"Yeah."

Later that day Arcee received a box of chocolates sent to her anonymously. Then a few hours later, a huge basket of soaps, bath salts and other stuff. Closer to the evening, again anonymously, she got an expensive fur coat. A bit later, Optimus came, all dressed up, with a bouquet of roses and another box of chocolates. Arcee:

"Best. Groundhog. Day. Ever."

* * *

><p>Ratchet and Arcee are drinking. Ratchet:<p>

"Hey, you like animals?"

"That is a very personal and intimate question!"

* * *

><p>Drunk Kup took his shotgun and shot in the air and missed.<p>

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, giving a speech:<p>

"All Autobot officers must have dreams! An Autobot officer without a dream is like a dog without wings!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, inspecting the barracks:<p>

"Why do you have mice and other insects?"

* * *

><p>Grimlock runs into medbay, scared sh*tless:<p>

"RATCHET! I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ALCOHOLISM!"

"WHAT? What problem?"

"No more money!"

* * *

><p>Kup and Grimlock come to Ratchet:<p>

"Ratchet! We got rid of our alcoholism, all thanks to you!"

"You are welcome. So what brings you here?"

Grimlock:

"When can we begin drinking again?"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, passes by Grimlock who is eating grass:<p>

"Grimlock? What are you doing?"

"Grimlock, eat grass!"

"… but why?"

"… because nothing else to eat!"

"All right, hop in."

"You, Rodimus, nice robot!"

"Yeah, the grass on my lawn needs mowing."

* * *

><p>Ratchet talks to Grimlock after his trip to Russia:<p>

"Grimlock, this makes no sense!"

"What?"

"It says here that 0.5 L of vodka for one is too much, 1 L is normal and 1.5 L is too little …"

"What? Makes perfect sense!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Chromia, your husband, Iron Hide, works at a beer brewery, right?"

"Yeah."

"How does he like it?"

"I don't know, he never comes home."

* * *

><p>Kup at some point worked as a plumber. After finishing his job once he comes up to Elita One:<p>

"All right, I am done, that will be one bottle of sake please."

"What? Wouldn't it be easier to give you money?"

"Yes but if you give me money I will just spend it on alcohol …"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Grimlock and Kup, is it true that both of you showed up drunk to the theatre?"

Kup:

"Yes, yes we did."

Grimlock:

"If we weren't drunk, we would have never thought of that!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet, Perceptor and Prowl are drinking. Ratchet:<p>

"Back when I was in high school, about to apply to medical school, I asked Alpha Trion to bestow some of his wisdom upon me."

Prowl:

"What did he say?"

"He said that in order to become a true scientist, one must forget the temptations of the physical world, live in poverty, hunger, cold, and dedicate oneself to science for millions of years."

Perceptor:

"And later?"

"And later he said that you will get use to it."

* * *

><p>Optimus gets back from the hunt:<p>

"Arcee! We won't be buying any meat for a whole month …"

"Oh! Did you get a moose?"

"No, drank away my pay …"

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes:<span>**

**There it is, I hope you liked! More will come soon enough.**

**Have you ever wondered what is happening deep inside of you? What drives you? What reasons do you have to do what you do? The very core of your current existence at this point in time? I have ...**


	6. Chapter 6

_**Little Tragedies part 6**_

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Foreword:<span>**

**Issue 6, enjoy!**

**I try to keep every LT issue over 5 pages long in Word but as you will see that is not always possible, sometimes I run out, sometimes I simply do not have the time which greatly frustrates me because I am cutting on my sleep as it is to make time for this.**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy run into the store:<p>

"Kup! Kup! Can we go through the line? This is an emergency! Dad is waiting for us!"

"What do you need?"

"Toilet paper."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Kup, don't you ever want to get back to the high-class society?"

"I drink at home."

* * *

><p>Soundwave at a bar:<p>

"Red White & Blue please."

The barman gives him a bottle of Red White & Blue beer. Tracks overheard Soundwave's request and approached him:

"Red White and Blue?"

"Sure!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave's first attempt to integrate into the high-class society, he dressed up as fancy as he could, brought his A game and went to the party. At some point at the event two men come up to him, obviously from the higher echelons:<p>

"Hey, you new here?"

"Affirmative."

"Do you have a Mechcedes?"

"Negative."

"Do you have a summer villa?"

"Negative."

"Do you have any golden accessories on you?"

"Negative."

"Hmpf, try harder, kid."

Soundwave, brought down by this experience got back home and tells one of his butlers:

"Sell my 5 limousines and buy a Mechcedes, sell my summer castle and buy a villa and take the gold off Ratbat and Lazerbeak and put it on me …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave, looking at his burning down villa:<p>

"… if that doesn't get rid of the cockroaches …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave and Megatron meet. Megatron:<p>

"How many security guards do you have?"

"Answer: eleven."

"Indeed? Likewise."

Iron Hide:

"Let's play some soccer!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave wakes up in the morning, hungover, sees that his clothes are all neatly put at the foot of the bed, fresh flowers; breakfast is ready, and the whole house is sparkling clean. Soundwave:<p>

"Inquiry: what the hell happened last night?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"You came home, drunk, kicked the door in, swearing your mouth off, pretended you were a cat, then went to bed. Mommy tried taking your pants off but you screamed 'Get the fuck off me! I am married to Tracks!' at the top of your lungs."

* * *

><p>Shockwave accidentally found an S&amp;M magazine in Shockblast's school bag. Shockwave to Shockblast:<p>

"Punishing you with spanking is not enough?"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy come to Wheeljack for help with homework:<p>

"Uncle Wheeljack! What is further, the moon or New Cybertron City?"

Wheeljack, drunk:

"That is a stupid question! You shouldn't be asking stupid questions!"

"What?"

"Can you see the moon?"

"Yeah."

"Can you see New Cybertron City?"

"No."

"… and that's what you call, kids, logical thinking."

* * *

><p>Back in university, final year, final exams. Wheeljack comes to his professor and puts a box of chocolates on the table.<p>

"All right, I will give you a D."

Wheeljack reaches into his bag and puts a fancy pen on the table.

"All right, C it is."

The student again reaches into his bag and puts a very expensive looking watch.

"B it is!"

He yet again reaches into his bag and places a huge bottle of vodka in front of his professor.

"A! Congratulations! Give me the papers, here you go, just sign here, now my signature and you are done! Congratulations on your A!"

"Thank you."

Then Wheeljacks quickly shoves everything back into his bag:

"I still have a physics exam."

* * *

><p>Back in high school, chemistry class. Teacher:<p>

"Perceptor, what color is your solution? Green? A+! Ratchet, what color is your solution? Red? B! Warpath, what color is your solution? Blue? B! Wheeljack, what color is your solution? Black? F! EVERYBODY DUCK!"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Thundercraker:<p>

"In a few years they will look at this university and say 'The Great Thundercracker studied here' …"

A voice from the professor's lunch room:

"If you fail your exam tomorrow, they will be saying it next week."

* * *

><p>"Welcome to Security 101! Here, we save lives!"<p>

Sentinel:

"How?"

"Morons like you didn't make it into medical school!"

* * *

><p>Back in high school. Teacher:<p>

"Bumblebee, what did you like best in the statue museum?"

"Boobies!"

"In the hall! Bulkhead, what did you like best in the statue museum?"

"Butts!"

"In the hall! Starscream, what did you …"

"I am going, I am going …"

* * *

><p>Back in high school, Wheeljack comes to his dad:<p>

"Dad, the teacher wants to see you …"

"I am not going to the freaking school again!"

"Good, no point going around rubble …"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy told Soundwave that Wheeljack gave them a few pointers in chemistry. On the next day after school, Soundwave:<p>

"Inquiry: how was school?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"What school?"

* * *

><p>Shockwave:<p>

"Shockblast, how was school?"

"The contract with the fifth grade is prolonged for another year."

* * *

><p>The Teacher is reading "Three Little Pigs" to the class:<p>

"… so one of the little pigs went to the market and asked a merchant to give him lots of bricks. Anybody know what the merchant said?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Holy crap! A talking pig!"

* * *

><p>The Teacher is talking about certain insect species and mentions that there is one species that lives only for one whole day. Shockblast:<p>

"Awesome! Their whole lives is their birthday!"

Rumble and Frenzy come greet Tracks:

"Mommy! We washed the dishes!"

"Great job you two!"

"Mommy! We washed the floors!"

"Great job you two!"

"Mommy! We got A+ on our tests!"

"Great job you two!"

"Mommy! Ravage is pregnant!"

"Great job you two!"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy off a rooftop:<p>

"Kup! Can we jump down?"

"Sure you can, only once …"

* * *

><p>Back in university, dorm room, Wheeljack wakes up with a hangover:<p>

"Warpath! Ratchet! What's for breakfast?"

"Steam!"

"Oh! Steam! Gimme!"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy on the bus:<p>

"Mommy! Look! This guy is bald!"

Tracks, embarrassed:

"Quiet you two, he can hear you …"

Rumble and Frenzy, surprised:

"What? He doesn't know?"

* * *

><p>Shockblast comes to school, angry as hell. Teacher:<p>

"Shockblast? What's wrong?"

"My dad is stuck in another country, sitting in a bomb shelter."

"WHAT? WHY?"

"Well, he comes to the embassy, he saw mom flirt with some guy and beat the crap out of him."

"I am sure the situation will resolve itself! Didn't you say that your dad beats up a lot of jerks?"

"He does beat up lots of jerks, just not the President of Cybertron …"

* * *

><p>The Teacher asked the class to write a little story, 100 words long or less. Everybody wrote something and now she was reading what they wrote. Shockblast:<p>

"Yesterday, mom bought a fur coat, my dad said the rest eighty six words."

* * *

><p>Shockwave:<p>

"Shockblast, why did you hang erotic posters of fembots all over your wall?"

"What am I, supposed to look at naked walls?"

* * *

><p>Back in elementary school, Lugnut:<p>

"Megatron lived, Megatron lives, Megatron will forever live.

Author's Note: Lenin … Russian humour … just move along

* * *

><p>Wheeljack's diary:<p>

"… I remember how mom went with me to my first day of school and how dad carried me home from my last day in university …"

* * *

><p>Shockblast accidentally broke a window and his mother was about to beat him for it. Shockblast:<p>

"Mom, sure you can punish me but do keep in mind – I can always take out my frustration of this on your grandchildren …"

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"Shockblast, why are you late?"

"My dad needed my help."

"Your dad couldn't ask anybody else?"

"Yes but he wanted to spank only me …"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack to Jetstorm and Jetfire:<p>

"… remember, physicists have ironclad alibis. Everyone they recite is dead …"

* * *

><p>Back in university, Elita One walks into her room and sees her roommate, Arcee, crying. Elita One:<p>

"Why are you crying? What's wrong?"

"I asked mom to send me money for a computer!"

"And?"

"She sent me the computer!"

* * *

><p>Back in university, Blitzwing and Lugnut are sitting on a bench and are bored as hell. Blitzwing:<p>

"Hey, Lugnut, look! It's Shockwave!"

"So?"

"Let's punch him in the eye!"

"All right but do give a reason just in case, I mean we are in university and all …"

"Shockwave's face is black and he has only one eye. Let's see if he can have a black eye …"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack to Jetstorm and Jetfire:<p>

"Students and money are two compatible things, just rarely and not for long."

* * *

><p>Back in high school, Starscream:<p>

"Miss! If I didn't make any mistakes, then how come you failed me?"

"You did make one mistake."

"What?"

"You dropped your cheat sheets."

* * *

><p>Back in high school, Teacher:<p>

"Kids, we will be writing a short story …"

Starscream:

"I can't! I am sexually frustrated!"

"Then write with your left hand."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy put on boots. Tracks:<p>

"Why are you two putting on boots? It hasn't rained for days! There are no puddles!"

"We'll find them."

* * *

><p>Shockblast is standing outside and smoking. Arcee comes up to him and asks:<p>

"Young man, does your mother know that you smoke?"

"Young lady, does your husband know you are talking to strange men?"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Uncle Kup, why can't kids watch these kinds of TV shows?"

"Shut up and see for yourself!"

* * *

><p>Shockblast's mom:<p>

"Son, if you will study well, we will buy you a computer!"

"And if I won't?"

"We'll get you a piano."

* * *

><p>Back in university, Professor:<p>

"Wheeljack, why are you so nervous?"

"I am scared."

"Of my questions?"

"Of my answers."

* * *

><p>Back in university, Wheeljack:<p>

"Starscream, do you know the difference between curtains and toilet paper?"

"Not really …"

"SO IT WAS YOU!"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack to Jetstorm and Jetfire:<p>

"An amazing ability of students – never knew but remembered."

* * *

><p>Back in university, Blitzwing on a German language examination, Professor:<p>

"All right, translate this sentence: a frog is hopping around the marsh. Go."

"Das ffroggen marshen das hop, das hop, das hop."

* * *

><p>Back in university, Professor:<p>

"All students, please do not swim past the buoys, two sharkticons got food poisoning."

* * *

><p>Back in university. Bulkhead writes a letter to his parents:<p>

"Mom, I flunked the year, please prepare dad for this."

A few days later he gets a response:

"Dad is ready, prepare yourself."

* * *

><p>Warpath loved screwing around with his students, hell, he couldn't be fired by anyone and they barely did any work so in a way, they all deserved it. One day, he stretched out the exams on two dates, whoever wanted to get it over with could have gone on the earlier date and whoever wanted to study a little more could have gone on the next day. Finally, the first date of the exam came, very few students arrived, everybody sat down. Warpath closed the classroom, opened up the window and asked:<p>

"Do you know what I did here?"

"What?"

"I gave out freebies! You all pass! Congratulations! But! Keep it a secret!"

The happy boys and girls ran to their classmates and told them of what happened. Everybody stopped studying and drank away. On the next day, everybody else showed up, finally sat down, Warpath closed the door, opened the window and asked:

"Do you know what I did here?"

"Freebies!"

"No! I let them go! You have two hours! Good luck!"

* * *

><p>A family reunion comes to an end, everybody is about to leave, and they are all saying their goodbyes. Shockblast's mom:<p>

"Shockblast, what do you need to say?"

"Um, I don't know."

"Well, what do I always say once they leave?"

"Oh! Finally, those morons left!"

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"Now kids, whoever thinks they are stupid, please stand up."

After a few seconds of silence, Rumble, Frenzy and Shockblast stand up.

"Why do you three think you are stupid?"

"We are not, it's just uncomfortable that you are the only one standing."

* * *

><p>Starscream and Arcee caught a taxi. Starscream:<p>

"How much will it cost to get to this address?"

"100."

"And what if it's the two of us?"

"100, still."

Starscream to Arcee:

"See? You cost nothing! 100 dollars, 100 dollars you said …"

* * *

><p>Shockblast's dad:<p>

"Shockblast! Didn't you promise you will come back at four?"

"Yes, I did."

"Didn't I promise you that I will set up an appointment for you with Mister Belt?"

"You see, if I didn't uphold my promise, you may not uphold yours."

* * *

><p>Teacher:<p>

"Ten students ate 150 apples, 100 oranges, 10 watermelons and 200 strawberries. Question, what will each have?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Food poisoning."

* * *

><p>Rumble, Frenzy and Shockblast ask their Teacher:<p>

"Miss, we are too smart for grade 1; could you transfer us to grade 3?"

"All right, let's go talk to the principle."

Principle:

"All right, let's test your knowledge. Three times three?"

"Nine."

"Six times six?"

"Thirty six."

"Hm, well, that's possible I guess …"

Teacher:

"Wait! Just a few more! What do I have two of that a cow has four?"

The principle looked at the teacher with eyes wide open. Rumble, Frenzy and Shockblast:

"Legs."

Teacher:

"Right. What is it that you guys have that I don't?"

"Pockets."

"All right! Off you go to third grade!"

Principle:

"Nope, off they go to grade five, I answered some of the questions wrong myself."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Why are you three not in school?"

"It is Teacher's Day, we are supposed to get gifts to our teachers."

"So you are buying her a gift?"

"No, we are giving her a day free of us."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Oh, dear! Your teacher was attacked by a moose!"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"How did the moose know that she was a teacher?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"From now on, I will be your new teacher while your previous recovers from the moose attack. Now, today we are going to talk about expressing ourselves in an inoffensive manner. Shockblast, what does your father say when he falls down the stairs?"

"Should I leave out the swear words?"

"Yes, please."

"He was quiet the whole time."

* * *

><p>Arcee to Shockblast's dad:<p>

"Your son keeps inviting me to a restaurant!"

"It is good that you didn't agree at first!"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy carry a rotten piece of meat in their hands home:<p>

"Mommy! Look in what we nearly stepped in!"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy, Daddy, we were born during winter, right?"

"Yes."

"Cabbage doesn't grow in winter and storks migrate. Tell us where we came from! We want the truth!"

* * *

><p>Shockblast barges into the classroom in the middle of a lesson. Arcee:<p>

"Shockblast, that was rude, get out in the hall and come in like your father does."

The little guy walks into the hall way, closes the door and kicks it open:

"Didn't expect me, eh, bitches?"

* * *

><p>Soundwave and Tracks took their kids to the zoo. Tracks:<p>

"Rumble! Frenzy! Step away from the cage with the tiger!"

"Relax, mommy! We won't do anything to the tiger!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Well, kids, if we begin drilling down to the center of the globe, where will we end up?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"The mental asylum."

* * *

><p>A student comes to Warpath and puts two bottles of vodka on the table:<p>

"Here are two bottles, so give me a D."

"I would rather take one."

* * *

><p>First few classes that the Jettwins had. Jetstorm:<p>

"Submit I did a blank test."

"It damn! He think will that copied I you!"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack to jettwins:<p>

"Remember, everything said on the exam can be used against you …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Kids, an idiot can ask such a question that ten smart people won't be able to answer …"

Shockblast:

"So that's why I fail all of your tests!"

* * *

><p>Shockblast hitchhikes:<p>

"Could you drive me to the school?"

"Sorry, lad, I am driving the other way."

"That's actually better."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy run into the class, eyes wide open, hair all messed up:<p>

"Arcee! We were attacked by an armed gang at the school entrance!"

"What? And what?"

"What do you mean, what? They stole our homework!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Would you kids like to go to heaven?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"No thanks, mommy told us to go straight home after school."

* * *

><p>Jetfire and Jetstorm:<p>

"Wheeljack! Tell us do about graduation from university!"

Wheeljack:

"Kids, there is only one way to graduate."

"How?"

"With a bang."

* * *

><p>Shockwave:<p>

"Shockblast, why do you lie on the couch all day?"

"I am training to be a dad!"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"What will you get if you add three to four?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Seven."

"And what if you add four to seven?"

"Mom, we didn't learn up to eleven yet."

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Optimus wakes up:<p>

"Arcee, turn off the TV."

"I can't turn off the movie theatre …"

* * *

><p>Optimus to Arcee:<p>

"Hey, honey, what do you want for your birthday?"

"Nothing, just don't get drunk, that will be good enough."

"I already gave that to you yesterday, I am not going to repeat myself."

* * *

><p>Hoist:<p>

"Arcee, do you want to have lots of sex with Optimus?"

"Yes."

"Don't get a computer."

* * *

><p>Seaspray's son:<p>

"Daddy, will I ever become an officer like you?"

"Yes! Of course!"

"Will I ever become a Prime?"

"Optimus has his own son."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Ratchet, is it healthy to have a child after 40 000 000?"

"I think 40 000 000 is more than enough …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod comes to Ratchet for an inspection. Ratchet:<p>

"Good, all right, yes, very good …"

"So all is good?"

"Yes, it's good that I don't have any of this stuff …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Arcee! Will you stop writing food recipes on prescription blanks? We are overflowing with food poisoning cases!"

* * *

><p>Kup teaches Arcee how to drive a car:<p>

"Arcee, the speed lever is a little more to the left …"

* * *

><p>Prowl walks around the airport back before the Great War when he overhears two teenage transformers talk:<p>

"How do Decepticons manage to steal all these air planes? They are so big!"

"Yeah but when they are up in the air they are so small!"

* * *

><p>Blitzwing, Astrotrain and Swindle kidnapped Perceptor, got to a lake and shove his head underwater.<p>

"Any Euros?"

"No."

They shove him back into the lake.

"Dollars?"

"No!"

They shove him back into the lake.

"Anything at all?"

"Guys! Keep me down there longer or shove me in deeper! I can't see anything!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod got stranded on an asteroid with no way of getting back. He then saw a bottle:<p>

"Hey! Maybe if I rub it hard enough, a genie will come out!"

He takes the bottle and begins rubbing it, ten seconds, a minute, thirty minutes, an hour, three hours, seven hours when he suddenly hears a voice come from it:

"Just open the fucking bottle!"

* * *

><p>Optimus and Arcee come to Alpha Trion to finish all the marriage related papers. Alpha Trion:<p>

"Have you two prepared for such a life changing event?"

Optimus:

"Yes! We got 30 kegs of wine, 50 barrels of beer and a life supply of vodka …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! I need you to buy three things in the store, do you hear me? Three things, don't forget, three: cheese, milk and butter. Three things, don't forget, all right?"

Optimus forgot about it but did remember that he had to buy something so he went to the drug store and bought a toothbrush and paste and goes home. Arcee:

"I told you to buy three things! Where is the soap?"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school, Ratchet's Professor:<p>

"A doctor must not only be attentive to details but also apathetic. For example, can anybody tell me what is in this bottle I am holding? What was that? Urine? Correct, it is urine!"

He then dips his finger in it and licks it:

"Anybody cares to do the same?"

After a minute of silence, Ratchet gets up, dips his finger in urine and licks it.

"Not only attentive and apathetic, the doctor must also be observant. I dipped one finger and licked another …"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school. Ratchet:<p>

"Professor, is it true that you are beating your wife?"

"No, it's not true, I am not a professor."

* * *

><p>Grimlock, back when he was smart:<p>

"A mathematician is someone who writes 'a', says 'b' and thinks he is writing 'c' when it needs to be 'd'."

* * *

><p>Back in elementary school, the Teacher asked the class to write what would they do with a million dollars. Onslaught, after a while of sitting with a calculator, asked:<p>

"Miss, can you add another 100 dollars?"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack's diary:<p>

University, year one – built a little engine, I certainly hope they don't kick me out.

Year two – built a vehicle, they probably won't kick me out.

Year three – built a space craft yeah, they are not kicking me out.

Year four – built an assembly line, they won't kick me out for sure.

Year five – built an anti-matter powerplant; I fucking dare them to kick me out.

* * *

><p>Back in university, Starscream runs out, all happy. Jetfire:<p>

"Did you pass?"

"Yes!"

"You answered all the questions correctly?"

"No but I answered the bonus questions right!"

"What bonus question?"

"What are you doing tonight?"

"Um, ok, what did you say?"

"Anything."

* * *

><p>Back in university, exam, Professor:<p>

"All right Elita One, first question, what takes five seconds to grow?"

Elita One blushed:

"Hee hee hee …"

"Fail! Next! All right, Arcee, first question, what takes five seconds to grow?"

Arcee blushed:

"Hee hee hee …"

"Fail! Next! All right, Chromia, first question, what takes five seconds to grow?"

"Oil pressure."

"Yes! Marvelous! You know what, screw the rest of the exam, you pass. On your way out tell the other two that 'hee hee hee' takes seven seconds to grow."

* * *

><p>Back in university. Ratchet:<p>

"Professor! What did you write here?"

The Professor takes the piece of paper and examines it for good ten minutes.

"Oh! I got it! I wrote 'please write neater'."

* * *

><p>At some point on Cybertron during The Great War, a conscription was issued, basically, unless you got into any higher-education facility with a certain minimum grade, you were to join the army. Professor to one of his students:<p>

"What? You haven't studied the material at all and you are begging me to enlist you in the academy? Hope? Oh, yes, there is still something you can do. Here, take this pen and paper. Now, draw me a train. Oh, goodness, you can't even draw, come on! Where is the sun? The trees? Maybe a little farmland here, yes, good. Wait, why doesn't your train wagons have windows or wheels? Draw them! Now! Ok! No, wait, an empty train? Oh, dear. Oh! There you go, now …"

The Professor took the drawing, with one hand holding it in the air in front of the student's face and with the other pointing to one of the stickmen he drew.

"… you see this? Do you see this? You know what this is? THIS IS YOU GOING TO THE FREAKING ARMY!"

* * *

><p>Optimus' son in "My Dad":<p>

"My dad is really brave, really fast and powerful. He can swim through a lake filled with sharkticons, he can travel the universe, he can beat up Megatron to a pulp but normally he washes the dishes, clothes and takes out the garbage."

* * *

><p>Back in elementary school, Christmas time, Brawl is going around with a huge bag that has a really bad smell and as he is going around he hits everyone with it everyone. Teacher:<p>

"Brawl! Don't be naughty or Santa Clause won't come?"

"Of course he won't!"

"What?"

"What do you think is in the bag?"

* * *

><p>The phone rings, baby Wheeljack picks up the phone, the whole conversation is in a whisper:<p>

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"Could you get your mom on the phone?"

"She is busy."

"Your dad?"

"He is busy."

"Your grandparents?"

"Busy."

"Can you call the fire department?"

"They are already here."

"Can I talk to them?"

"They are busy."

"Can you call the hospital?"

"The doctors are already here."

"Can I talk to them?"

"They are busy."

"Can you call the police?"

"They are here."

"Can I talk to them?"

"Also busy."

"What the hell are they all doing?"

"Looking for me …"

* * *

><p>When Wheeljack got into university, his dad:<p>

"Well, son, how is it in university? Any harder to study?"

"No, they just give lower grades."

* * *

><p>Perceptor got Optimus Prime and Megatron to gather all the combiner teams together and transform into their respectable gestalts for a test – to put a triangle, a square and a circle in the corresponding shape on a board. The experiment showed that one out of eight succeeded while the rest were shown to be ridiculously strong.<p>

* * *

><p>Shockwave, a Quintesson scientist and Kup were admitted in an institute as part of a study and each was given an individual task. A year later, Shockwave:<p>

"It is completed, in these 12 notebooks you will find everything you need."

Quintesson:

"It is completed, in these 3 tomes you will find everything you need."

Kup:

"Um, you know, I had such a headache yesterday …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, our baby doesn't want to go sleep, maybe I should sing him a lullaby?"

Optimus:

"Let's resort to torture last …"

* * *

><p>Back in elementary school. Teacher:<p>

"Everybody! Look at how well Sunstreaker and Sideswipe drew this apple! Sweetie, can you draw me a cup of tea?"

"With sugar or no?"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"I never told you that but I will say it again."

* * *

><p>Megatron tried conquering Russia. A few days later he comes back, all beaten up, almost offlining. Shockwave:<p>

"Lord Megatron? What happened?"

"Russian tanks are not nearly as scary as their drunk crews …"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Ok! Grimlock! That's enough!"

"WHAT? WHY?"

"Gotta get up early tomorrow!"

"Tomorrow is Sunday!"

"And who'll drink the alcohol?"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Ratchet! My kidneys hurt!"

"Did you drink perfume?"

"Yeah but it doesn't help!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Smart fembots never make good wives."

Arcee, a little angry:

"Why not?"

Kup:

"Simple, they never get married."

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Grimlock! What happened to you last night? Where did you spend the night?"

Grimlock, hungover:

"Grimlock spend night like animal."

Kup, with an understanding tone:

"Prowl took you to the brig?"

"No, Grimlock fall asleep in the zoo."

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk:<p>

"Land ho!"

Seaspray:

"We didn't even leave yet …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Kup! I need advice! Optimus is drunk and is running around the desert! What do I do?"

Kup, drunk:

"Keep shooting at the moving target …"

* * *

><p>Optimus comes home drunk. Arcee:<p>

"Where were you?"

"I was over at Kup's."

"Let's see."

Arcee calls up Kup:

"Kup, was Optimus over at your place?"

"Yes! He was! He still is!"

* * *

><p>Back in university, Prowl decided to make a study out of how students study for exams so he first comes to the Cybertronian Institue of Science:<p>

"Perceptor, how long will it take you to learn any given Earth language and pass the exam?"

"Oh, dear, I would have to guess three years."

Then he went to the medical school:

"Ratchet, how long will it take you to learn any given Earth language and pass the exam?"

"Hm, it's going to be tough but I think I can manage in a year or in just one semester if I really try."

Then Prowl decided to go to the Military Academy:

"Grimlock, how long will it take you to learn any given Earth language and pass the exam?"

"Will it get Grimlock get bottle of vodka after?"

"Um, sure."

"Ok, let Grimlock finish this bottle and let's go write exam."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"… and then he took out his knife and shot himself …"

* * *

><p>Prowl is reading a written explanation from Kup and Grimlock:<p>

"First we drank two kegs of wine, then we drank two kegs of scotch, then we drank two kegs of beer, then two kegs of sake , then two kegs of vodka and then we got food poisoning from the oatmeal cookies."

* * *

><p>Perceptor, drunk, had to teach a class in high school chemistry:<p>

"Look at me carefully, I am a hydrogen molecule …"

* * *

><p>For all his offences, Grimlock was supposed to attend a society re-integration class taught by Prowl:<p>

"All right, Grimlock, give me two pronouns."

Grimlock, hungover:

"Who, me?"

"Good!"

* * *

><p>Optimus and his son often got drunk and of course fights were inevitable. Normally, lots of others would participate to blow off steam but all it took was just one line that Optimus said to give everybody nightmares for years and permanently scar everyone for life. Optimus Prime, drunk, to his son:<p>

"Whatever I conceived you with, I will kill you with it."

* * *

><p>Drunk Grimlock comes home and falls into a chair:<p>

"Son! Scattershot!"

"Yes dad?"

"Bring me your agenda."

"Brought it."

"Open it."

"Opened it."

Grimlock, falling asleep:

"Now pour me some …"

* * *

><p>Optimus' son:<p>

"Daddy! But I really want that bun!"

"Son, you have no idea how much I want it but we only have enough money for vodka …"

* * *

><p>Cybertron, Ratchet is helping out his old Professor with exams. Ratchet:<p>

"All right, just a few more questions and we are done. Is it possible to perform an abortion on a cow?"

"Can I go to the washroom first?"

"Eh, sure, just make it quick."

The student runs out of the classroom and finds Hot Rod and Springer sitting nearby, drinking. The student thought that they were, too, students so he runs up to them and asks:

"Guys! Help! Can you perform an abortion on a cow?"

Hot Rod and Springer look at each other, think and then Springer says:

"Wow, dude, you got issues, man …"

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes<span>**

**I hope you guys enjoyed it, more will be coming either today or tomorrow.**

**Have you ever tried putting salt into Coca Cola? Do it! DO IT!**


	7. Chapter 7

_**Little Tragedies, Issue 7**_

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Foreword<span>**

**Issue 7 is up for your enjoyment!**

**As you see, certain previously nameless characters like "The Teacher" in the Kittycon section have been replaced by characters that suit the role. You will see that this will be happening on a number of occasions because I am constantly trying to figure out ways to perfect the delivery and assimilate it entirely into Transformers. It may take me a while but you got to admit that I am making progress!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>When Thundercraker was told that he will never be part of the high-class society because he is too crude, the Decepticon tried proving them wrong. He went to the library to see if he was missing anything in his already perfect behavior and in one of the books he read that in the high-class society, some of the greatest topics are animals, music and love. Finally he gets to a prestigious club and comes up to some tri-colored mech:<p>

"Wow, you have cute dog ears, I have a drum in my house; let's go f…"

* * *

><p>Back in elementary school, Teacher:<p>

"Starscream! It is not nice to call other people idiots! Apologize immediately for it!"

Starscream to Bulkhead:

"I am sorry that you are an idiot …"

* * *

><p>Back in high school, Starscream comes home. His mom:<p>

"Starscream! What the hell are you wearing? Ok, dress up and go to bed."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Uncle Wheeljack! How does the computer monitor work? If we break it, will all these letters and numbers fly out?"

"Well, you see, all these things appear on the screen because the electrons are sent out from the computer through this cord into the monitor and they hit the magnetic strips which excite the electrons and make them -you know what, I don't know, actually, let's see if they do fly out …"

* * *

><p>Starscream to Sunstorm:<p>

"I am a father! Congratulate me!"

"Oh! I imagine your wife is very happy!"

"Oh, right, she doesn't know yet …"

* * *

><p>Over a texting computer messenger. Perceptor:<p>

"Help,thespacebuttondoesn'tfunctionproperly."

Wheeljack:

"A_real_programmist_doesn't_need_spaces!"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Rumble! Frenzy! Will you ever correct your grades?"

"We would but Arcee keeps a close eye on the computer …"

* * *

><p>Tracks sees Rumble, Frenzy and Shockblast bury something in the sandbox. Tracks comes up to them:<p>

"What are you kids doing?"

All three look at him with very grim faces as Rodimus' head pops out of the sand:

"Don't ask."

* * *

><p>Warpath to Ratchet:<p>

"You see, sometimes I dream that I am reading a lecture to one of my classes but then I wake up and I really am giving a lecture to my class!"

* * *

><p>Courtroom. Judge:<p>

"Mister Swindle, why did you rob Megatron? Do you not have money of your own? I mean, you are one of the most richest men in town."

"Oh, your honor, it is all my great love and unbearable jealousy."

"Pardon?"

"I love money more than anything and when I see someone else have it, I get jealous …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"What shape is Cybertron? Shockblast?"

"It is a sphere."

"And how can you prove it?"

"Hey, it can be square, I am not insisting …"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Ratchet and Wheeljack after programming class are checking out some of the mechs. Ratchet:<p>

"Wow, look at the 'properties' on this one!"

"Don't bother," Wheeljack sighed, "They are 'read only'."

* * *

><p>Shockblast's birthday. Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"What did your parents get you?"

"You see that silver Mechcedes on the other side of the street?"

"No way!"

"Yeah, way, a hat of the same color!"

* * *

><p>Bumblebee:<p>

"Don't order any of our meat dishes today."

Ratchet:

"Why not?"

"One of our rats disappeared."

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"So how much more time to I have left?"

Ratchet:

"200 billion years."

"What, that's impossible!"

"Oh, sorry, yes, I made a mistake. You have 200 days left."

"I liked the previous option better …"

* * *

><p>Starscream comes to a building materials store:<p>

"I demand some materials!"

"What are you going to build?"

"A bitchier future!"

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus:<p>

"Formation! You soldier, you came in last in the formation, you are punished!"

"What? Why? That's not logical! Somebody always has to come last!"

"No, there is logic here; someone has to help Optimus restrain Grimlock when he gets drunk."

* * *

><p>Before the Great War. Ratchet:<p>

"Hey, Arcee, let me help you …"

"Oh, don't worry, the bag is not that heavy …"

"No, I finished my plastic surgery training …"

* * *

><p>An Autobot spaceship, all beaten up, rusty and dented stops and the whole crew gets out. Wheeljack, the captain of the crew, begins screaming at them:<p>

"Who the hell threw their boot at the control panel?"

A Decepticon spacecruiser, all neat, shiny, approaches them and the whole crew gets out. Shockwave:

"Back on Charr we do not treat others like this …"

Wheeljack:

"Buddy, there is no more Charr. Now, who the hell threw their boot at the control panel?"

* * *

><p>Kup was instructed to spend a whole training session with new recruits and give them a few pointers. Kup:<p>

"What is the most important thing about a tank? An engine? Wrong! The gun? Wrong! The armor? Wrong! Don't freaking eat beans, that's what."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"So how is driving?"

Kup:

"Well, I believe there is progress!"

"Really?"

"Yes! The road slowly begins to lead the car wherever it wants!"

* * *

><p>Tracks to Ratchet:<p>

"Hey, could you give me two pregnancy tests?"

Then he gets a text message on his phone, checks it:

"Oh, dear Lord! Three pregnancy tests!"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Time flies by so fast! You just wake up and you are already late for work!"

* * *

><p>A tribe caught Hot Rod, a Quintesson scientist and Swindle and told them:<p>

"We are going to give each of you a bag of dried crust, a dog, and a month's time to teach it some tricks we never saw and we will let you go and if you don't, we will beat you senseless."

A month later, Hot Rod taught his dog to sit and the tribe beat the crap out of him. The Quintesson scientist taught the dog to play dead, fetch and so on but they still beat him up. Then it was Swindle's dog's turn. Dog:

"Swindle, please, give me at least one!"

* * *

><p>Back in university, Ratchet had to work at a hospital and one day he overheard his Professor talk to a patient:<p>

"Oh! You are awake! Great!"

"Doctor! Why can't I touch my legs?"

"Oh! That's because we amputated your arms."

* * *

><p>Ratchet to Hot Rod:<p>

"I got two pieces of news for you …"

"Start with the good one …"

"They are both bad …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Hot Rod! You would make a great thief!"

"What? How come?"

"You do not leave traces of your work …"

* * *

><p>Arcee, Elita One and Chromia are having a girl's night out. Elita One:<p>

"My husband bought me an entertainment set, now I don't have to leave the house to have fun!"

Arcee:

"Optimus bought me a boombox! Just turn it on and have all the fun you can get!"

Chromia:

"Iron Hide didn't get me anything, he said that I am still beautiful enough for him to take me out …"

* * *

><p>Back in university, Arcee runs in crying. Elita One:<p>

"Arcee! What's wrong?"

"I accidentally ran into the boy's changing room naked!"

"Oh, dear, did they all jump you?"

"No! They ran away!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! I got good news and some bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"Your car had very soft air bags …"

* * *

><p>Court room. Prowl:<p>

"Arcee, you are telling me that Optimus, who is in a wheelchair, beat you?"

"Well, you see, when he began, he wasn't in it."

* * *

><p>Prowl asked Rodimus to come and give a few pointers to the new recruits. Rodimus:<p>

"All right, let's say a bunch of tanks are coming at you; let's designate that variable as 'M' and then, wait, just hold on a minute."

After a while:

"No, let's designate tanks as variable 'W' …"

* * *

><p>Swindle in a store:<p>

"Did anybody lose a wallet with 1100 dollars cash in it?"

Skywarp:

"Yes! I have!"

"I found the wallet …"

* * *

><p>Arcee calls up Perceptor:<p>

"Perceptor! My black and white printer doesn't work!"

"What is the problem?"

"It doesn't print white!"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school, Ratchet overheard his Professor talk to a patient:<p>

"Are you sure you are not insane or crazy?"

"Yes, I am sure."

"Let's check?"

"How?"

"With which hand do you mix sugar and tea?"

"With my right."

"See? Normal people do it with a spoon …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Grimlock and Kup:<p>

"We were wondering, why do people call us genies?"

Springer:

"Because every single time someone opens up a bottle, you guys are there."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Grimlock, you lived for already a quite a few years, normally by this time you would get into like a few relationships, get your heart broken a number of times, develop some random problems or whatever. Aren't you worried about anything? Your attitude barely changed at all!"

Grimlock, drunk:

"The less Grimlock think about Grimlock, the less Grimlock worry about Grimlock."

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk:<p>

"Springer! Why is your face so smart?"

"What? Mine?"

"Well, not mine!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus opened the door, a light turned on.<p>

He closed the door, the light turned off.

He opened the door again, the light turned on.

He closed the door again, the light turned off.

"A fridge," Rodimus thought.

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, gets off the airplane as he is buckling up his belt:<p>

"These airplanes are freaking driving me mad! First they say buckle up, then unbuckle …"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk:<p>

"Springer! Why didn't you give attention when I was passing by?"

"Sorry, I didn't notice you there."

"Oh, good! I thought you were mad at me."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"So, Grimlock, how did your New Year's pass?

Grimlock, surprised, eyes wide open:

"What do you mean, passed?"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, went to pick some strawberries in a nearby forest. After hours of searching:<p>

"I guess it is not the season yet," he thought as he fell into a snowdrift.

* * *

><p>Kup back when he was a plumber, drunk:<p>

"All right, what's wrong with your pipes?"

"There is nothing wrong with our pipes."

"This is the Alpha Trion residence, right?"

"No, this is Skyfire residence. Alpha Trion didn't live here for over a year now."

"What the hell? First they call and then they just randomly move out!"

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes:<span>**

**Issue 7! You know, it takes a while to edit these things, for my respective editor *you know who you are~* *wink wink* and myself when I upload these things, I have to read the whole thing and put page breaks ... it gets tedious sometimes ... plus I get to facepalm at myself more! Yay! But I guess in the end I am glad that there are people who enjoy this XD You guys make me very happy!**

**Oh! While I still remember! I know I have forgotten to do that a number of times already *stupid me* buuuuut ...**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing. XD**


	8. Chapter 8

_**Little Tragedies Issue 8**_

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Foreword:<span>**

**Issue 8, please, enjoy!**

**With some issues some of the sections may be bigger than others as you will see, it is mostly due to me unable to bring out material that would it that particular section(s) and let's not forget my comedy filters, trust me, those are VERY important, I will do all I possibly can to have no smut in these series but there will be "below the belt" jokes that I find worthy to put here.**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Shockblast's mom:<p>

"Sweetie, I am leaving, you be a good boy. What are you going to play with?"

"Well, I will play with either the train set or the nanny; it depends on what dad will choose to play with this time."

* * *

><p>Sentinel sees Rumble and Frenzy are doing something in the sandbox:<p>

"What are you guys doing?"

"We are playing dolls!"

"So, who is winning?"

* * *

><p>Arcee's dad:<p>

"A teacher? A teacher? A TEACHER? Honey! Prostitutes make double that amount!"

* * *

><p>Tracks, his first year on the job:<p>

"I ask my clients if we should go to a restaurant or get a room."

Mirage:

"So what restaurants do you go to?"

"I don't even know where they are!"

* * *

><p>Shockblast:<p>

"Mommy! Do you know any fairy tales?"

"Sure."

"Could you tell me some?"

"Grow up, get married and they will tell you all the fairy tales you want."

* * *

><p>Wheeljack, Ratchet and Warpath used to play Russian Roulette, except instead of bullets they let Arcee full access to their programming.<p>

* * *

><p>Kids in school are talking.<p>

Rumble and Frenzy:

"There are two of us and we each have our own room!"

Shockwave:

"There are two of us in the family and we each have a job!

Some other kids:

"There are seven of us and we each have our own father!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"All right, Sentinel, how do you sleep?"

"In pajamas without shoes."

* * *

><p>Back in university. Ratchet:<p>

"Well? How are things going with Arcee? You guys got into a fight again?"

Wheeljack:

"Yeah, it was a stupid idea …"

"What happened?"

"I called her Perceptor in bed …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Arcee, Optimus needs some rest so I am prescribing some sedatives …"

"How many times does he have to take them?"

"Oh, he doesn't need them, you need to drink them."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"A friend of ours is afraid of nothing except for fembots in white."

"What? Fembot doctors?"

"No, worse, fembot brides."

* * *

><p>Back in university, Wheeljack:<p>

"Goodness! My fingers hurt!"

Ratchet:

"What from?"

"I met an old friend over chat on the Internet. We were yelling songs the whole night."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Rumble, Frenzy, I certainly hope that I won't see you two cheating."

"We hope so too."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"So, Wheeljack, did those bagpipe lessons help you out?"

"Kinda, I guess, I bought the neighbor's apartment at half the price!"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"I love you more than anything in the universe!"

"I already told you yesterday 'No'. Leave me alone!"

"So it was you!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Warpath! Why did you take the bagpipes? You can play?"

"No, I am taking those so that nobody who knows how to play would get them."

* * *

><p>Sentinel is asking Swindle for some advice:<p>

"Tell me, Swindle, where is the best place to put my money in?"

Swindle, smirking:

"In your wallet."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Daddy! We broke a window!"

"Your school is some kind of a freaking greenhouse!"

* * *

><p>Warpath, Ratchet and Wheeljack get together and each orders stuff. Bumblebee brings their orders. Warpath:<p>

"There is a fly in my soup! Bring me another one!"

"Sorry, sir, we are all out of flies."

* * *

><p>The doorbell rings. Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Santa Claus!"

"Keep it down! You guys got a bottle opener?"

* * *

><p>Swindle's son opens up his bag to take out his violin but instead of the musical instrument, he sees a rather sizeable gun. Arcee:<p>

"Well, care to tell me what this means?"

"Yeah, it means my dad is robbing a bank with a violin."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Shockblast, what did your father give you for Christmas?"

"Four slingshots."

"I am asking you seriously!"

"I am answering you seriously! He is the only one who repairs windows in the region."

* * *

><p>Two policemen caught Thundercracker, drunk:<p>

"Where do you work?"

"I make sausages and other meat products."

With a load of respect, the two took the Kittycon to his house and ask his bondmate:

"Excuse me, is it true that he makes meat products?"

"Oh, no, he is just a professor in a university; he just has megalomania."

* * *

><p>Shockblast:<p>

"Dad, could you buy me a new computer?"

"Say the magic word."

"Oh, great, you put up passwords even here …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet is ordering a sandwich:<p>

"Can you make me a sandwich?"

Bumblebee:

"With pleasure!"

"No, with cheese, please."

* * *

><p>Tracks, sad, sits in Paw-bucks. Ratchet:<p>

"Why are you so sad?"

"My friends gave me a sex doll."

"You mean a fake fembot?"

"That's the thing! A fembot!"

* * *

><p>Back in university, Ratchet overheard this conversation, Professor:<p>

"Assistant! Stop cutting meat for yourself and get out of the operation room!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Blitzwing and Shockwave are going on a patrol and see that there is a transformer that hanged himself on one of the trees. Deciding that burying him they neither had the time or the will to do, so they went to a nearby Autobot controlled territory, hanged the poor mechanism on one of the trees and left.<p>

Sunstreaker and Sideswipe are on a patrol too. After seeing the hung man, Sunstreaker:

"Look! He is here again!"

* * *

><p>Halloween, everybody dressed as something and went to the human populations to trick-or-treat. Optimus Prime lost a bet to Sunstreaker and Sideswipe so he had to dress up like the Tooth Fiary. A random kid on the street:<p>

"It's the Tooth Fairy! Mommy! Look! It's the Tooth Fairy! Hold on, why do you have an axe?"

"I am in a bad mood …"

* * *

><p>Blaster, after high school, was hired to DJ a party. Everything was set up, the event started but only ten people showed up. Administrator, really angry:<p>

"Blaster! You said that all of Cybertron knows you!"

"Yes, these ten are about to get to know me …"

* * *

><p>Prowl comes to Optimus Prime:<p>

"Optimus, someone stole your credit card! I just found out! Why didn't you tell me anything?"

"… because whoever stole it spends a lot less money than Arcee."

* * *

><p>Arcee to her son:<p>

"Sweetie, I baked a pie using a new recipe -no, don't eat it yet. Let's try it out on Optimus first."

* * *

><p>Optimus and Arcee just got married; they got back from their honeymoon and things go back to normal. Optimus, going to work, kisses Arcee goodbye and leaves. A few seconds later he suddenly runs back into the apartment:<p>

"Arcee! I forgot the most important thing!"

Arcee, in a flirty tone:

"What did you forget?"

"Just before I come home, could you take the beer out of the fridge?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Unholy remains of Unicron! If it is going to be as hot as yesterday I don't think I will be able to take it, I will have to walk around the house naked. Oh, what do you think the neighbors will think if they see me?"

Optimus:

"They will think that I got married to you for your money …"

* * *

><p>Optimus, Iron Hide and Inferno are talking. Iron Hide:<p>

"By the end of August, Chromia pickles onions."

Inferno:

"By the end of August, Red Alert pickles tomatoes."

Optimus:

"By the end of August, Arcee pickles hysteria."

* * *

><p>Ratchet to Blaster:<p>

"… all right, just stop musical instruments and your problem should go away eventually."

"Okay."

First Aid, after Blaster left:

"Ratchet, what connection is there between his symptoms and music instruments?"

"He lives right above me."

* * *

><p>Red Alert:<p>

"Inferno! I got robbed again!"

"What?"

"They stole my wallet and my watch!"

"Didn't you have a gun?"

"They found it too …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Springer, since when did you begin skydiving?"

"Ever since the airplane engines broke on my first flight …"

* * *

><p>Arcee and Optimus are watching a soap opera:<p>

"Optimus! Look at how much he loves her!"

"You got any idea how much he is paid to do that?"

* * *

><p>Optimus and Elita One always had lots of pleasure when they had sex but it always interested her why they did it in the dark. One day, in the middle of their fun, she turned on the light and saw a ratchet sizeable dildo in place of Optimus' penis:<p>

"Optimus! What the …"

"I can explain the dildo but you explain the kids …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! How was your day?"

"Great."

"How was work?"

"Great."

"How is Megatron doing?"

"Great."

Arcee, after a pause:

"How are things with the human world leaders?"

"Great."

"How is morale?"

"Great."

"I want a divorce."

"Great!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet had to fill in as a doctor in a mental asylum and overhears a conversation between two patients:<p>

"That poor guy in cell 4, he completely lost it when his wife left him for someone else."

Then they hear a loud bang against a metal surface. The other patient:

"You hear that?"

"Yeah."

"That's that someone else."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Optimus, did you get married because you are in love or you are just calculating?"

"… because I am a moron."

* * *

><p>Arcee and Elita One:<p>

"Some of the things in the house broke, I have no idea how to fix these things and Optimus is away so I called one of Swindle's agencies - 'A man for an hour'. Because I don't have a lot of money, I ordered their cheapest service."

"And? Did he fix everything?"

"No, he came, sat on the couch, drank beer, watched football for two hours and left!"

* * *

><p>One of Kup's conversations with one of his wives:<p>

"You know, we could have never met!"

"Yeah, why the hell did I go down to the sewer system …"

* * *

><p>Warpath:<p>

"Guys! You know what fembots tell me?"

"No."

"How the hell did you know?"

* * *

><p>One day, Soundwave and Blaster travelled back in time to see if they can learn anything about music from the greatest composers of Earth.<p>

Soundwave:

"My music brings everyone to their knees."

Blaster:

"My music makes people run away."

Tchaikovsky:

"I don't know, everybody kinda likes my stuff …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee, can you hypnotize people?"

"No."

"Then why the hell did I propose?"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"You know, Arcee, when I watch football, I just forget about everything …"

"I am Elita One …"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"I wanted to do so many useful things today but I had to work …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet to Arcee:<p>

"Stop beating yourself up! You won't even beat yourself up if you keep doing it this way …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee, I want to spend this vacation like we did twenty years ago."

"… but Optimus, we are married for only 19 years!"

"Yeah, that's the point …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"I gave my boss an ultimatum!"

Springer:

"What? Do tell!"

"I told him that either he raises my pay or I quit."

"And?"

"We reached a compromise, he doesn't raise my pay and I don't quit."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Why do fembots always remember the day they got married but the malebots never do?"

Kup:

"When you catch your first fish, will you remember the day?"

"Yes."

"See? And the fish probably forgot about it …"

* * *

><p>A palmreader:<p>

"Hound, the lines on your hand tell me that you need to clean yourself more."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Did you see that guy who saved me from drowning?"

Optimus:

"Yes, he already dropped by to apologize."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"It is amazing how much a person next to you can change after five shots!"

Optimus:

"But I drank only one …"

"But I drank five …"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"My wife is an angel!"

Optimus:

"Mine is still alive."

* * *

><p>Hound went to England to learn more about Earth culture and joined a US tourist group. They went to see the beautiful architecture of the city when one of the US citizen said:<p>

"Excuse me, why are the buildings here so small? Look at that one for example! That building would be ten times bigger!"

Guide:

"But of course, sir, it is a mental asylum."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Swindle! You must try to become someone else!"

"I did!"

"And?"

"I got caught with fake I.D."

* * *

><p>Arcee, jealously:<p>

"Optimus! Who took this picture of you?"

"Oh, Omega Supreme."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"How was she?"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school. Ratchet runs into this Professor's office:<p>

"Why did you tell the paralyzed patient that you will need to amputate his legs?"

"Well, he did run away. And you were saying that it was incurable! Silly you."

* * *

><p>Optimus is trying to reach Arcee on her cell phone and then finally decides to send a text message"<p>

"Why aren't you picking up the phone?"

And went about his business. A few seconds later he gets a text:

"I forgot it at home."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee! I am going to punish you!"

Arcee, erotically:

"Oh, yes, punish me! I have been a bad girl!"

"Take out the garbage and wash the dishes."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"So I brought Arcee to the zoo yesterday."

Iron Hide:

"And?"

Optimus:

"They didn't take her."

* * *

><p>Optimus' son:<p>

"Hey, dad, could you give me a flash light?"

"What? Why? Back in my days we didn't need it …"

"And look at what you picked …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Hot Rod, after going to a casino:<p>

"Hey, I noticed that people in casinos, just like in churches, pray. What is the difference?"

Kup, drunk:

"The difference is that in casinos, people pray a lot more sincerely …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk, thinks:<p>

"If there are house wives, then are there wild wives?"

* * *

><p>Hound is trying to teach some basic history to tipsy Perceptor:<p>

"Columbus opened a window to the Americas …"

"Did he do it with X-plorer or Mohzilla?"

* * *

><p>Kup, tipsy, hitting on a fembot:<p>

"I have two major flaws. I am very nice.

"And the other?"

"I hit without warning."

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, bought a lottery ticket and won, Prowl asks him:<p>

"Grimlock, how did you do that? Sheer chance I am guessing?"

"No, it came to Grimlock in dream. Grimlock see seven sixes so I put down 49."

"Hold on, seven times six is forty two."

"Well, if Prowl so smart, keep being poor!"

* * *

><p>Arcee, drunk:<p>

"Ratchet! I can't grow a beard!"

"Arcee, you are a fembot …"

"WHAT? I AM FEMALE?"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Hey, Rodimus Prime, do you want your children to grow up to be like you?"

Rodimus, drunk:

"Hey! I don't want them to be whiny bitches!"

* * *

><p>Hound:<p>

"I dropped by a slaughter house recently. I saw how they make sausages and other meat products – I became a vegetarian. Then I dropped by a farm and saw in what conditions we get milk, cheese and butter – I began eating soy products. There is no way anyone will ever make me go to a brewery."

* * *

><p>Kup to Springer:<p>

"Yesterday was really great! Went to a restaurant and had a fun time!"

"Oh? Who did you go with? Oh! Did you have a date?"

"There were only the two of us, me and sake."

* * *

><p>Grimlock:<p>

"Ratchet! Me, Grimlock no want to take medicine!"

"All right, when you drink it, pretend it is vodka."

"Grimlock rather drink vodka and think it is medicine …"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"How is life?"

Grimlock:

"What life? Crisis! This is all so sad, Grimlock drinks from grief!"

* * *

><p>Optimus took his little son to a bar:<p>

"Here, try out what your dad is drinking."

"Oh, dear lord! It's disgusting!"

"This is what I gotta eat!"

* * *

><p>Springer on a blind date:<p>

"Arcee, you are not really what I expected ..."

"Keep drinking, just keep drinking …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock:<p>

"She made Grimlock choose between her and vodka."

Kup:

"What did you choose?"

Grimlock, smiling:

"Grimlock choose her, Grimlock's dear favorite ..."

* * *

><p>Kup and Grimlock went fishing and after a while as a competition they decided to go their separate ways until the evening. Finally they meet at the agreed location and Kup sees that Grimlock is carrying a huge bag. Kup:<p>

"Hey, Grimlock, you caught anything for dinner?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"Grimlock not going to eat Seaspray!"

* * *

><p>Kup, hungover, wakes up after New Years. The first thing he sees is Arcee:<p>

"I heard about the economical crisis but I didn't think it was that bad …"

* * *

><p>Prowl to Grimlock and Kup:<p>

"How can you two drink so much? Go to the graveyard and see how many died from drinking alcohol!"

On the next day, Grimlock and Kup, both on a hangover:

"We looked at the tombstones, they got "by police", "by family", "by whiny bitch", "by Megatron", but none of them had "by vodka"!"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide, Inferno and Optimus are talking. Inferno:<p>

"When Red Alert was pregnant, on the 9th month he read 'The Two Captains' and he gave birth to two boys!"

Iron Hide:

"When Chromia was pregnant, on the 9th month she read 'The Three Musketeers' and gave birth to four troublemakers! God I love them!"

Optimus, eyes wide open, pale, scared shitless, took a bottle of vodka and chugged the whole thing. Iron Hide:

"What's wrong, Prime?"

Optimus:

"Arcee is nine months pregnant and she is reading 'Alibaba and 40 thieves'."

* * *

><p>Optimus and Megatron are talking. Optimus:<p>

"So, how are you guys going to spend New Year's?"

"Oh, we already got the costumes and wrote out the program."

"Really? We bought a load of vodka and are going to improvise."

* * *

><p>Huffer, drunk. Suddenly he hears a knock on the door:<p>

"Who is it?"

"Death."

"Kiss my ass!"

"All right, anal cancer it is."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"You see, people want bread and a spectacle!"

Kup, drunk:

"Then get them a baker-clown!"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide and Hound are talking. Iron Hide:<p>

"Optimus got so drunk yesterday that I had to drag him home."

"Oh, wow."

"Yeah! It gets better! I put him back in bed so sneakily that Arcee didn't wake up!"

"Oh, awesome!"

"It gets better! After I did that, I remembered that Optimus left to Cybertron and is coming back today …"

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes:<span>**

There you go!

It came to my attention that some of the jokes may take a while to understand and by that I mean people will need to think about them to get the humor, which is what in my opinion should be happening! People these days do not use their brains at all as much as they claim or pretend to be smarter than they really are or deluding themselves that their intellectual prowess is indeed great, which, as you may or may not know, in 99.99% isn't the case.

So, please, people, think! At least try! You will have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried! Attempting to do something is already a great feat on its own! You had the courage to figuratively get off your ass and do stuff!

Do we really need yet another mindless amoeba sitting at the chair, compensating for what they lack over the Internet? Ask yourself this question and no I am not calling you guys these words I am simply trying to engage people into thinking.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Little Tragedies, Issue 9**_

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Foreword:<span>**

**Issue 9 is out ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoy it! As you saw and will see, I am bashing a lot of characters, some I am bashing because I want to, some are for just kicks and sh*ts. Arcee, for example, I got nothing against her! However, Sentinel and Hot Rod, ESPECIALLY Hot Rod ... **

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Back in university, Warpath:<p>

"Eh, bored."

Wheeljack:

"Let's go make plasma with nuclear fusion …"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Night, Starscream is walking home when Swindle shows up:<p>

"Excuse me, good sir, would you mind giving me some money? I have nothing! No family, no friends, no car, no home but this Gatling gun …"

* * *

><p>Straxus comes home:<p>

"We are looking for a phone operator."

"Didn't you hire one a few weeks ago?"

"Yeah, we are still looking for him …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave:<p>

"Inquiry: do you have any connections in the legal system?"

Swindle:

"But of course! For example, Blackout!"

"Inquiry: what does he do?"

"Oh, he is in prison for three years already."

* * *

><p>Megatron to Starscream:<p>

"Clean your muzzle."

"It's called a face!"

"Once you clean it, it will be a face."

* * *

><p>Shockblast:<p>

"Dad, how did you meet mom?"

"Oh, you see, at first we weren't supposed to meet each other but one day she came up to me and said that we should get to know each other, because she was pregnant and I was the father."

* * *

><p>Tracks got stuck in an elevator:<p>

"Excuse me, would you mind helping me?"

"Sure, the operator will be there in thirty minutes, don't go anywhere."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Did you drink again?"

Soundwave, drunk:

"No."

"Did you drink again?"

"No."

"Say 'negative'."

"Fine! Jeez …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave, drunk, gets back home and whispers into Tracks' ear:<p>

"I found something very great! I will tell you tomorrow …"

On the next day, Tracks:

"So, what did you find?"

"Another bar …"

* * *

><p>Sentinel:<p>

"Can you describe the criminal?"

Bumblebee:

"Tall, bald, moustache, large beard …"

"Male or female?"

* * *

><p>Warpath:<p>

"Hey, Arcee, did anybody ever tell you that you are beautiful?"

"No."

"Wow, amazing how honest everyone is …"

* * *

><p>Shockblast's mom, pregnant, asks Shockblast:<p>

"Son, would you want a little sister or a little brother?"

"Honestly, a new laptop would be nice …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Rumble! Frenzy! I had it with you two! Don't bother coming tomorrow without your father!"

"… and what about after tomorrow?"

* * *

><p>Sentinel:<p>

"Hello, is this the phone sex agency?"

"Oh, yes, sweetie. I am taking off my blouse, slowly sliding off my shorts …"

"It's Sentinel …"

"Oh, crap, gotta go, bye!"

* * *

><p>Arcee, really pissed off:<p>

"Shockwave! Why did you skip a whole semester?"

"I was, um, sick."

"No! You weren't! You went to strip clubs!

"… but …"

"Don't lie to me! I saw you from the stage!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Shockblast, what's your mother's name?"

"I don't know."

"What does your father call her?"

"Come here."

* * *

><p>Wheeljack:<p>

"This is so horrible! Cosmos was working in a garage with me, I left earlier so he closed up, on the next day we come and see that everything was stolen! Cosmos wants to take all the blame on himself! That's the trouble with police!"

Soundwave:

"Inquiry: want me to make him accountant at my firm?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Sentinel, where is the nearest washroom?"

"The hell do you need it for?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Finally my boyfriend said those four words!"

Elita One:

"Will you marry me?"

"No, pay is on me."

* * *

><p>Optimus runs into Prowl's office, scared shitless:<p>

"Prowl! Quickly! Lock me away in the brig! I hit my wife!"

"You hit Arcee? Is she ok?"

"Oh, she is all right, not even a single scratch."

"Then it's ok, you can go …"

"Never! She is waiting right outside the room!"

* * *

><p>Swindle at some point worked as a lawyer:<p>

"Please, do inform the room how Arcee was supposed to know that Optimus would be so sensitive to the poison …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Oh, wow! Perceptor invented a machine that makes you live a few billion years longer!"

"If I was still single, I would definitely use it."

* * *

><p>Springer, angry:<p>

"I had to work two shifts today!"

Hot Rod:

"What? Why?"

"I fell asleep and nobody told me!"

* * *

><p>Arcee and Optimus got married, after the party they went upstairs to their room. Optimus was so excited and nervous that he couldn't put the key inside the lock for over three minutes because his hands were shaking. Arcee:<p>

"Wow, what a great beginning …"

* * *

><p>Arcee to Optimus:<p>

"Traitor! Jerk! Moron! Come back! I miss you!"

* * *

><p>Arcee and Optimus are watching a movie. Arcee:<p>

"Sweetie, do you think those two will get married at the end?"

"They probably will, these movies tend to have a bad ending."

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus to Kup:<p>

"You know, it is useless to stop Hot Rod from getting any more piercings. For example, ever since he got that piercing in his nose, it made it much easier to get him up from bed …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"That's it! I can't live with you anymore! I would rather throw myself out of the window than live with a moron like you! And stop pushing me!"

* * *

><p>Arcee to her mom:<p>

"Mom, Optimus called me smart and invited me to come over, should I do it?"

"No, let him keep thinking it."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I just don't understand how you can go out and drink so much every freaking day!"

Optimus:

"How many times do I have to tell you, moron, don't talk about things beyond your comprehension!"

* * *

><p>Back in high school, Ratchet to his math teacher:<p>

"Teacher, there is a beggar asking us to give him something."

Professor:

"Give him some math problems …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I am like an onion …"

Optimus:

"When undressing you, one wants to cry?"

* * *

><p>Optimus after his first date with Arcee. Iron Hide:<p>

"Optimus! What happened to you? You are so beaten up and nearly offlining!"

"She asked me to guess her age …"

"And?"

"I guessed it …"

* * *

><p>Court. Optimus , acting judge:<p>

"Inferno, is it true that you keep your wife in state of constant fear of you?"

"Wha…"

Optimus, leaning in, whispering:

"… and if you are, tell me how you do it!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Why were you so rude to me this morning? I was just calling to wish you to have a good day!"

Arcee:

"First of all, you called at 7 a.m., second of all, I wasn't rude. I politely asked you what it is that you wanted and the word 'asshole' was just an accident."

* * *

><p>Optimus calls up Arcee:<p>

"Hey! Arcee it's me, where are you?"

"Here."

* * *

><p>Kup to new recruits:<p>

"… if you are lost in a forest and tired, find an Ick-Yak, throw something at it and your tiredness will run away …"

* * *

><p>Arcee and Elita One are talking. Arcee:<p>

"Oh, goodness! When I was going home yesterday, in the shadows of the night I saw a silhouette of a male! I ran as fast as I could!"

"And? Did you catch him?"

* * *

><p>Hound and Kup are taking a trip around Earth on a boat. Hound:<p>

"Hey, look! We are going by another uncharted island and yet again there is some human with a long beard, running around, screaming something at us …"

"He is probably angry at us from coming this close to his island …"

* * *

><p>Perceptor at a Galactic Science Conference:<p>

"Apprearently, we are not the only sentient beings in the universe!"

"Who else is?"

"Fembots!"

* * *

><p>Hound, wishing to deepen his understanding of the human race, went to a fashion show.<p>

"… and now, one of our most beautiful models will go out with a new swim suit design of 2011!"

Hound, after the show:

"Where the hell was the swimming suit?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I saw in a Hollywood movie that the guy put strawberries all over the bed and put rose petals all over the bed."

Optimus:

"Well, we don't have strawberries or roses but we have potatoes and poison ivy, want me to …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! Talk to your son! Teach him something about life for once!"

Optimus to his son:

"All right, son, once you reach level 8, right in the beginning there will be a door. There are three skeletons behind it, shoot them with your hammer launcher the second that door opens …"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school, Professor got Ratchet to help him out with a few cases. Professor after measuring the pulse of a patient:<p>

"You didn't listen to me and ate a few eggs."

"What? How did you know?"

"Eggs have certain ingredients that make your pulse more rapid and unstable."

"All right, I will do what you tell me this time, bye!"

"See ya!"

Ratchet:

"So, really, how did you know?"

"His shirt was all covered in yellow …"

* * *

><p>Hound came back from his vacation. Iron Hide:<p>

"How did you spend your vacation?"

"Half of it – in the mountains."

"And the other half?"

"In a caste."

* * *

><p>Arcee, coming back from a mission:<p>

"WHAT? YOU BROUGHT OTHER WOMEN HERE?"

Optimus:

"Well, you dared me …"

* * *

><p>Chromia to Iron Hide, before going to their vacation:<p>

"All right, we will leave the kids with my mom, your dog and cat with Ratchet and let Beachcomber take care of the bird …"

"Hey, if it will be that quiet in the house, why leave?"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Kup comes to medbay:<p>

"Ratchet, about the liver …"

Ratchet, drunk:

"Put it in the microwave …"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Wow, Grimlock, your home-made vodka is awesome and really strong! What do you add in there?"

"Cement."

* * *

><p>Before colonization of space. Alpha Trion:<p>

"Is there intelligent life?"

Kup:

"There is."

"Then why did it not contact us yet?"

"Because they are intelligent."

* * *

><p>Optimus came home, drunk, in the middle of the night. Arcee:<p>

"I was waiting for you the whole night!"

"What? You think I was sleeping?"

* * *

><p>Tracks and Mirage are talking. Mirage:<p>

"What do you do to deal with insomnia?"

"Oh, I drink a glass of wine every few hours."

"Does it help?"

"No but it is more entertaining to stay awake.'

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk, arguing with Prowl:<p>

"… this is where you are wrong!"

"Kup, you are drunk."

"… and this is where you are right!"

* * *

><p>Kup and Springer are talking:<p>

"Dr…"

"Drought?"

"Dr…"

"Drive?"

"Dr…"

"Drink?"

"Finally! And I thought I was going to be alone!"

* * *

><p>Everybody is drinking, everybody is having fun when suddenly someone shouts:<p>

"We are running out of alcohol!"

The fembots anxiously looked at one another …

* * *

><p>Shockwave calls Prowl:<p>

"Prowl, is it one of the Autobots that is lying on one of the benches in our territory?"

"Are they drunk?"

"Affirmative."

"Is there a bottle next to them?"

"Affirmative."

"Is it empty?"

"Negative, there is still some liquid it there."

"Nope, that's not one of us."

* * *

><p>Grimlock, hangover, comes to open the door:<p>

"Oh, hi, Happy New Year's … WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT IS THE FIFTH?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! I saw you leave a bar!"

"I can't exactly live there …"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Hey, Springer, what are you doing tonight?"

"Nothing, I quit drinking …"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Optimus! How can you be having fun! There is a crisis!"

"Nope, you guys have a crisis, I left mine yesterday."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Grimlock, is it true that you hit Huffer with a brick?"

Grimlock, hungover:

"Yes but Huffer was short before that."

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Notes:<span>**

**There you have it! Expect more bashing! I kinda feel bad for doing this to Arcee but hey! I don't hate her! Besides, later (around issue 26 I think) I begin to spread out the couple bashing to other pairings! Yay!**

**Thank you C.M.D. for editing and reviewing.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Little Tragedies, Issue 10**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**... boy do I have a thing for them! Sentinel not so much because he wasn't the reason why G1 Optimus Prime died unlike Hot Rod. Seriously! Why couldn't he control his hormones? Jeez! Freaking kids these days! Ultra Magnus would have made a better leader, we all know that! Well, in the end it doesn't matter, does it? I just don't understand why the had to kill so many people! Oh well ...**

**In any case, Issue 10 is out, enjoy! I am thinking of posting one of these every Sunday from now on just to keep things moving for me and for you guys.**

**I realize that some people need to stop and think about some of the jokes for a second, I can't force you to think so please take the initiative and use your brain, maybe you will stumble upon an idea for a fanfic or how to properly grill cheese!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Bumblebee and Prowl got stranded on an island. Finally, a ship comes by, Hound:<p>

"Yes! We are saved!"

Prowl, slowly reading the ship's name:

"Ti-ta-nic."

* * *

><p>Tracks, Soundwave, Rumble, Frenzy and Ravage are going on a road trip. Rumble and Frenzy are looking out the window:<p>

"Mommy! Look! A farm!"

"Mommy! Look! A doggy!"

"Ravage! Look! A cow!"

"Ravage! Look! A chicken!"

"Daddy! Look! A prostitute!"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack's diary, a bit from university:<p>

Monday – YAY! Porridge!

Tuesday – woohoo … porridge.

Wednesday – eh … porridge …

Thursday – ok, this is getting annoying … why is it always porridge?

Friday – I refuse to eat any more porridge! This is an outrage!

Saturday – so … hungry …

Sunday – oh goodness, I think I am going to die from hunger …

Monday – YAY! Porridge!

* * *

><p>Shockblast's mom:<p>

"Shockblast, who do you like best: Rumble and Frenzy or Shockwave?"

"Rumble and Frenzy."

"Why?"

"They threw away my report card."

* * *

><p>Starscream walks down the street and sees two fembots coming from the other side.<p>

"Well, aren't you two cute!"

"Thanks!"

"Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Starscream."

"Jetfire!"

"Jetstorm!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave and Tracks decide to take a train to get to their vacation spot. With them sits Blitzwing. After a while Soundwave takes out a thermos:<p>

"Inquiry: excuse me, sir, would you like some coffee?"

"No, thank you."

Soundwave and Tracks share the coffee. A few hours later, Soundwave takes out a bottle of scotch:

"Inquiry: excuse me, sir, would you like some scotch?"

"No, thank you."

Tracks, whispering to Soundwave:

"I think we need to introduce ourselves first."

Soundwave to Blitzwing:

"Tracks, my wife …"

"No, thank you."

* * *

><p>Shockblast:<p>

"Rumble, Frenzy, what would you two do if you got attacked by bullies?"

"They won't! We know jetjudo, kittyrate, prowl-fu and lots of other scary words."

* * *

><p>Arcee, on a class trip to a near-by forest:<p>

"All right kids, if you eat berries, take two: one to eat, and one to show for medico legal investigation …"

* * *

><p>A homeless person:<p>

"I haven't seen meat in three days!"

Sentinel:

"Optimus, show him some meatloaf."

* * *

><p>Arcee to Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"It is amazing how two can make so many mistakes in the homework!"

"Why two? Mommy was helping us!"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Bulkhead! Why did you eat that rabbit? I thought you were vegetarian!"

"It was revenge, he ate my cabbage."

* * *

><p>Back in university, Professor just finished a lecture:<p>

"So, any questions? Yes, Wheeljack."

"Is the glass on your table free now?"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Warpath:<p>

"Hey, Wheeljack, that yellow cake you bought was very tasty! Can you make more?"

"Yes, I will just need uranium ..."

* * *

><p>Grimlock and Mixmaster meet. Mixmaster:<p>

"Ey! Grimlock! Buddy! How are ya?"

"Me, Grimlock, bad."

"What? Why?"

"My tooth hurts."

"Then why don't you go pay Ratchet a visit?"

"Me, Grimlock, scared of Ratchet."

"Then tie your tooth up to a train wagon and let it pull out!"

On the next day. Mismaster:

"Well? Did it work?"

"Thix …"

"What? You lost six teeth?"

"No, the train left, it pulled on my tooth and thix wagonth got dithlodged …"

"Then how did you lose your teeth?"

"The train driver hit me …"

* * *

><p>Thundercraker, being a famous actor that he is who already played such grand roles as Ultra Magnus, Unicron and Primus, won't lower the bar and in his next movie, Thundercraker will play himself.<p>

* * *

><p>Soundwave and Tracks went to another country for their vacation. Tracks went off to somewhere and Soundwave, excited, wanted to get to know new people so he decided to talk to a near-by fembot:<p>

"Inquiry: pardon me, do you speak English?"

"Yes, a little."

"Inquiry: how much?"

"200, sweet-heart."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"All right, kids, what elements do you know of?"

Rumble and Frezy:

"Air, earth, water, fire and vodka."

"What? Why vodka?"

"Because when daddy begins drinking, mommy says that he is in his element."

* * *

><p>Bumblebee, working part time as a mailman, dropped by Shockblast's house with a package. He rings the bell and Shockblast, with a cigar in his mouth and a glass of whiskey in his hand, opens the door. Bumblebee:<p>

"Are your parents home?"

Shockblast, taking a sip:

"What do you think?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"When was the battle at Beta IV?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"We don't remember!"

"Then how come I remember?"

"You are older than us!"

* * *

><p>Arcee to Shockblat's dad:<p>

"Did you know that your son doesn't show up in school?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know? He doesn't show up at home either."

* * *

><p>At one of the pubs there is a huge fight, Blitzwing:<p>

"Pardon me, good sirs, is this a private fight or can anyone join?"

* * *

><p>At some point, Starscream worked as a 9-1-1 phone operative. One day:<p>

"Hello? 9-1-1? Please help! Send an ambulance!"

"Well, you have a pretty voice, what are you doing later tonight?"

* * *

><p>Swindle:<p>

"Buy sausages without tofu here! No tofu in these sausages!"

Ratchet:

"What? Really? No tofu?"

"Why would I need tofu when I have cardboard?"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Warpath:<p>

"Hey, Wheeljack, you going to the store tomorrow?"

"I don't know. Science explodes in mysterious ways …"

* * *

><p>Bulkhead:<p>

"Swindle, I want to start a small business, how do I get one?"

"Get a bigger business and wait."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Shockblast, did you bring the money you owe me?"

"Yeah but you were cheating! You took that Ace out of your sleeve!"

"How else am I supposed to get money for a living?"

* * *

><p>Ramjet:<p>

"Doctor! Nobody believes me!"

"I wonder why …"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy, who is the president of Cybertron?"

Tracks:

"You don't know? You two should be ashamed of yourselves!"

After a few seconds of awkward silence, Rumble and Frenzy:

"Mommy, why are you so quiet?"

"I am ashamed …"

* * *

><p>At some point, Sentinel worked as a security guard in the zoo. One day, an Ick-Yak escapes. To prevent any more of that happening, he decided to heighten the fence so now it was 3 meters high. On the next day, another Ick-Yak escapes and Sentinel makes the fence five meters high. Then on the next day, same thing happens and he makes the fence ten meters high. One Ick-Yak to another:<p>

"Hey, how high do you think he will make the fence?"

"I don't know, probably up to sixty or he will figure out to close the gates for the night …"

* * *

><p>Shockblast found out that all adults have some kind of dirty secrets and you can use those to blackmail them with so Shockblast decided to try it out. Shockblast:<p>

"Mom! I know …"

His mom got really scared and gave him 200 dollars:

"Just don't tell your father!"

Later that day, Shockblast:

"Dad! I know …"

His dad got really scared and gave him 50 dollars:

"Just don't tell mom a single word!"

Later that day, Shockblast:

"Shockwave! I know …"

Shockwave paused for a second, dropped his bag, his lone eye tear up and he spread his hands:

"Come and give your daddy a hug!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Ratchet! I need your help! I have this recurring nightmare where Starscream, Lightspeed, Perceptor, Soundwave jump me, rip my clothes off and want to have sex with me while I use my hands to push them away!"

"All right, here is a prescription of sleeping pills …"

"No! Break my hands!"

* * *

><p>A few years into Optimus' marriage with Arcee. Iron Hide:<p>

"So, do you now know real happiness?"

"Yes, I do, but it is too late …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod comes into medbay with a big axe sticking out of his head. Ratchet:<p>

"So what seems to be the problem? Chickenpox? Ran out of ammo?"

* * *

><p>At a party, Tracks:<p>

"Arcee, are you flirting with me or can you really not dance?"

* * *

><p>Elita One:<p>

"So, Arcee, does Optimus remember the date you two got married?"

"No."

"Aren't you mad?"

"Absolutely not! I remind him a few times a year and I get gifts!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"So, Optimus, do you like my hair?"

"Yes except for those that are in our soup."

* * *

><p>Court room, Prowl:<p>

"Is it true that you killed your neighbor, mutilated him, cooked him and ate him?"

"Yes but I did cry."

"Oh? When?"

"When I was peeling onions …"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school, Ratchet is going around his business in the hospital when he sees his Professor nervously pacing back and forth in the hall. Ratchet:<p>

"Professor! What's wrong?"

"I have this patient in dentistry …"

"Oh, it is not your field?"

"No, he got a boat load of money and all his dental plates are healthy!"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school, Ratchet overhears this conversation, Professor:<p>

"I am sorry, I can't give you this prescription."

"Why not?"

"What if you go blind?"

"Don't worry, I won't be able to find you …"

* * *

><p>Arcee runs into medbay:<p>

"Ratchet! I think I may be going insane!"

Ratchet, after closely examining Arcee:

"Nope, you are definitely going insane."

* * *

><p>Back in medical school, Ratchet walks down the hall and hears a lot of crying:<p>

"Professor, are those the quintuplets you have been telling about, screaming?"

"Nope, their dad."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee, why are the sausages different sizes?"

"Ratchet told me that we have to diversify our food."

* * *

><p>Back in the beginning of The Great War, Arcee is crying her eyes out, Elita One:<p>

"Why are you crying? Took your boyfriend to war?"

"Yes! All five of them!"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"Optimus, is it true that you stole your bride?"

"Yeah."

"Did anybody help you?"

"Her parents …"

* * *

><p>Swindle at the border. Prowl:<p>

"What's in the bag?"

"Dog food."

"Open it up."

Swindle opens up his bag, there are cigars, bottles of alcoholic beverages and a few guns.

"You think your dog will eat it?"

"Hey, if he refuses, that's not my problem."

* * *

><p>Smokescreen:<p>

"Wife! We are moving!"

"What? You bought a new apartment?"

"No, I lost the old one in poker …"

* * *

><p>Arcee's mom:<p>

"Arcee, do you have a young man?"

"Not really …"

"Not really young or not really a man?"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"My wife is like a Mercedes! She is that great!"

Optimus:

"My wife is like a Jaguar."

"How come?"

"If you tell her that she is worse than Mercedes, she will rip you apart."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Oh, wow, Arcee, you smell great! Did you buy a new perfume?"

"I spilled some vodka on myself …"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school. Ratchet overhears. Professor:<p>

"My goodness! You obviously have nicotine poisoning!"

"But doctor, I don't smoke!"

"Oh, that certainly complicates the diagnosis …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Trailbreaker, you should stop any intellectual activities, it may strain your brain at this point in time. What do you do anyway?"

"I come up with jokes."

"Oh, never mind then."

* * *

><p>Back in university. Ratchet:<p>

"Sir, I don't get it, how can we train on the dead and cure the living?"

"Would you rather that we trained on the living?"

* * *

><p>Swindle and Octane are walking down the street. Swindle:<p>

"It's hard for honest people to live these days."

"What's it to you?"

* * *

><p>Hound in his notes about Earth:<p>

"The overwhelming majority thinks that Columbus discovered America and the rest think that the vikings did, yet nobody thought that the Native Americans did it first."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I refuse to live with you any longer! I am moving out!"

Optimus:

"Then move in with your mother!"

"But she is dead …"

"EXACTLY!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"I got kicked out of the house by the wife!"

Springer:

"WHAT? You are married?"

"I didn't say it was my wife …"

* * *

><p>Smokescreen:<p>

"If you are seeing a ghost, pinch yourself. If the ghost doesn't disappear, pinch the ghost."

* * *

><p>Hoist:<p>

"I have worked in the marriage business for most of my life and I enjoy making people happy. Inferno, Firestar, you are now finally divorced."

* * *

><p>Morning, neither Optimus or Arcee want to get up. Optimus:<p>

"Arcee, would you like some coffee?"

"Oh, yes!"

"Then bring me a cup too …"

* * *

><p>Back in university, Ratchet walks in to check on the patients. Professor:<p>

"Huffer, you have been conducting yourself very badly during the operation and your behavior before was just horrific! Your partner, Gears, didn't make it any easier on us!"

Huffer:

"Yeah! They sent us here to clean the windows!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Well, Elita One, your husband, Seaspray, leaves for far space exploration and you get to see him only one week a year! How do you take this?"

"It's just one week …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet, when he first began his medical practice:<p>

"How old are you?"

Arcee:

"It is impolite to ask fembots about their age!"

"Wow, you are female?"

* * *

><p>Prowl sees a blind beggar take all the money out of the hat and put it in his pocket. Prowl:<p>

"Excuse me, you are not blind! You are just as blind as I am! How can you lie to people like this?"

"He asked me to fill in while he is watching a movie. I am deaf myself …"

* * *

><p>Tracks, hanging out with the fembots:<p>

"You know, among you, girls, I feel like I am on Beta IV or on Dredd."

"What? Why?"

"Ick-Yaks everywhere …"

* * *

><p>"Springer! Hot Rod jumped without a parachute!"<p>

"What? Again?"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"Well? Optimus? Did Arcee pass her driving exam?"

"I don't know, I haven't visited her in the hospital yet."

* * *

><p>Firestation. Inferno:<p>

"Hey, Springer, is there such as job where you never do anything?"

"Stop talking and let me sleep!"

* * *

><p>On Cybertron, Kup:<p>

"Can you imagine this? Another asteroid is heading towards Earth!"

Wreck-Gar:

"Relax, The Ark is far away from New York."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Men are such manizers!"

Elita One:

"What?"

"Well, can't exactly call them womanizers!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Oh my! I am pregnant with three kids!"

Elita One:

"How do you know?"

Arcee, taking out three pregnancy tests:

"Look! They are all positive!"

* * *

><p>Arcee and Elita One are on a road trip. Arcee:<p>

"Look! It's a flying pig!"

"No! It's a horse!"

"Horses don't fly!"

"Pigs don't have horns!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Hot Rod, why don't you get married?"

"Well, honestly, I was thinking about your wife …"

"You son of a …"

"No! Don't get me wrong! I am just scared that I will end up with someone like her …"

* * *

><p>Hound in his notes about Earth:<p>

"Scottish kids have an advantage over kids in other cultures, they can cling not only to mommy's skirt but also to daddy's."

* * *

><p>Optimus's son:<p>

"Dad! I want to get married!"

"You are not yet grown up to get married."

"Then when will I be?"

"When you understand that you shouldn't have to get married."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I don't think I will be living with Arcee anymore …"

Iron Hide:

"Why?"

"Because I threw her soup out of the window …"

"Oh, it's just soup, I am sure you two …"

"It landed on her …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! I signed up for a beauty pageant!"

"Oh, good! You will finally look at some beautiful women …"

* * *

><p>Smokescreen:<p>

"Do you and your wife fight a lot?"

Optimus:

"No, only when we are together."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Optimus! I got a thought …"

"And how does it feel all alone in all that empty space?"

* * *

><p>Sunstreaker and Sideswipe:<p>

"If we drop some fireworks from the 25th floor, at what floor with they explode?"

Prowl:

"5th floor."

"How do you know?"

"I live on the 5th floor."

* * *

><p>Trailbreaker:<p>

"Hey! Afty! What's up? Can I call you Afty?"

Afterburner, taking out his guns:

"It is not lethal but not recommended."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I heard that by going to the pool you can lose weight!"

Elita One:

"That's not true, look at the whales!"

* * *

><p>On a hammer-throwing competition, Optimus:<p>

"I really have to bring my A game! Arcee is in the crowd!"

Kup:

"Relax, you won't reach her …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"The first part of our marriage was great but then we left the church …"

* * *

><p>Arcee baked a cake for Optimus:<p>

"Optimus! I will bake another cake tomorrow! What do you think? Optimus! Optimus! Come on! Don't just lie there on the floor! Show some signs of life!"

* * *

><p>Optimus and Arcee are getting a divorce. Hoist:<p>

"Reason for divorce?"

"Different interests. She is interested in men, I am interested in women."

* * *

><p>Hound:<p>

"Optimus, did your dog like the dog food I brought from Japan?"

"I don't know but Arcee was ecstatic about them."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I have no idea what I am going to do! Me and Optimus are having so many problems!"

Kup:

"Man up, woman."

* * *

><p>Back when he was a teenager, Hot Rod finally decided to stop being shy and confess his feelings to Arcee, nervously, stuttering:<p>

"I loved you so much and you won't ever know about it …"

"Oh my god! It was you who took advantage of me yesterday when I got hammered!"

* * *

><p>Seaspray, Warpath and Thundercraker are arguing about whose job is better. Seaspray:<p>

"My wife sees me come back when I am still up in space, I get back home and the table is served and everything!"

Warpath:

"My wife hears me all the way across town, I get home and food is served and everything!"

Thundercraker:

"I land on my house, run in and not a single dumbass escapes me!"

* * *

><p>Firestar, cheating on Inferno with Hot Rod:<p>

"Oh dear! Quick! Run away! He is home! He will kill you!"

"Who? Me? Never!"

"How come?"

"I owe him 10 000 bucks."

* * *

><p>Arcee to Optimus:<p>

"Sweetie, after marriage I will allow you to kiss me, where you never kissed me before."

"Where?"

"On Hawaii."

* * *

><p>Optimus had to participate in the making of a movie about The Autobots, producer:<p>

"Optimus Prime! Show fear on your face! Oh, goodness, help me please! This guy can't act!"

Iron Hide:

"Optimus! Imagine Arcee without make-up!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"You got drunk yesterday."

Optimus:

"I remember that I got drunk but I don't remember the fight."

"Oh, there was a fight."

"Really? What happened?"

"I kept telling you about restraint when drinking the whole night."

"And what did I do?"

"You sat in one of the chairs and said that you were married twice and this seems like it won't be the last one."

"Oh? What happened next?"

"I shut up."

* * *

><p>Arcee and Optimus took a train and at some point it went in a very long dark tunnel. Optimus:<p>

"I am sorry Arcee, If I knew how long this tunnel was then we would totally do it."

Arcee:

"Wait, it wasn't you?"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Can you imagine? I come home and Arcee is in bed with some guy!"

Ultra Magnus:

"Oh, some guy, huh? Fine! Don't recognize your friends!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Elita, do you think that love is everlasting?"

"Yes, it's just that the partners switch."

* * *

><p>Ratchet to Hot Rod:<p>

"Why did you use elastic bands?"

Hot Rod, after a long awkward pause:

"I was bored …"

* * *

><p>Optimus comes back home:<p>

"What's for dinner?"

Arcee:

"Soup."

"And the second course?"

"Pepto-Bismol."

* * *

><p>At some point, Ratchet had to work part time as a repairman. Tracks:<p>

"Excuse me, my printer stopped printing properly, the image comes out blurry or it is missing whole parts."

"Oh, you just need to clean it; the instructions can be found in the user's manual provided with the printer. It costs 50 dollars for us to do it but it would be better if you do it."

"Oh? Wow, that was very honest of you, I expected you to hog it and come up with random problems that it may have."

"Oh, actually, it is Swindle's idea. We get a lot more money after our clients had their turn fixing their things."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee, why do you keep a newpaper in the refrigerator?"

"To keep the newspaper fresh with more news!"

* * *

><p>Chromia comes to Ratchet:<p>

"Ratchet, I think I am having some problems."

"All right, take off your clothes."

"All right."

"Now put them back on."

"What?"

"Hm, nothing wrong with your hearing …"

* * *

><p>Back on Cybertron before The Great War, a firm asked Wheeljack to make a fully automated airplane. Finally he rolled it out and they tested it, a voice:<p>

"Welcome to Air Wheeljack, it is 23 degrees Celsius, sunny, with a slight chance of rain. We will be lifting off shortly and fly at 10 000 meters at the speed of sound. Please, make yourselves comfortable …"

Finally, the plane lifts off and gets to the mentioned height. A voice:

"As you may know, this plane is fully automated. Do not worry, nothing will break … nothing will break … nothing will break … nothing will break … nothing will break …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet runs up to Arcee:<p>

"Arcee! Did you forget the umbrella in the bus?"

"Oh, dear! Yes! I did!"

"Then run for it! The bus didn't drive away too far …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus keeps looking at me and can't ever get enough!"

Elita One:

"Yeah, my husband has bed vision too …"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school. The Professor and Ratchet went down to the morgue to drink. After a while, The Professor goes to the washroom and then Ratchet runs in, optic sensors wide, scared shitless, stuttering:<p>

"Th-th-th-there …"

"What? What?"

"One of the dead came back to life!"

"Oh! Don't scare me like that! For a second there I thought the hospital administrator was doing an inspection."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Let me use the internet!"

Optimus:

"Use your laptop!"

Arcee sits on his lap and takes off her bra:

"I am lap-topless!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus is coming over today, I will buy a bottle of wine to help set the romantic mood …"

Kup:

"You are gonna need more than that …"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school. Ratchet is assisting The Professor. Patient:<p>

"Why is the floor in the washroom so slippery?"

Professor, proudly:

"Oh, it is my idea!"

* * *

><p>Shockwave:<p>

"The Decepticons work 2 hours for ourselves, 2 hours for Charr and 4 hours for Lord Megatron."

Springer:

"The Autobots work for only 2 hours, we don't have to work for Charr or for Megatron."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"You can't have sex, you can't drink or smoke."

Hot Rod:

"Ratchet! I am a guy!"

"You can still shavepfaaahahahaa! Couldn't even get through that with a straight face!"

* * *

><p>Court room. Prowl:<p>

"Can you not see that he is retarded?"

Defense – Hot Rod:

"Hey! Retarded people are individuals just like you and me!"

* * *

><p>Elita One:<p>

"Arcee, why don't you just text him?"

"When you text, you need to think about what you are going to write, it is much easier to call …"

* * *

><p>Hound decided to go to Russia because of all the rumors of bad driving there, on the next day he comes back in full caste. Kup:<p>

"What the hell happened to you?"

Hound, using an electronic vocal box:

"Give the dumbass the road."

* * *

><p>Tracks to Optimus:<p>

"Excuse me, sir, do you know what this monstrosity is?"

"That's my wife …"

"Oh, forgive me, sir! I did something stupid!"

"No, no, I did something stupid."

* * *

><p>Arcee's grandma:<p>

"Well, what do you want for your birthday?"

"I want a man without whom I can't live!"

"I wish you man with whom you can live."

* * *

><p>The bus suddenly stopped and had everyone almost fall off their feet. Hot Rod grabbed Arcee by the shoulder and both fell. Arcee:<p>

"Couldn't you grab something else?"

"Don't tempt me …"

* * *

><p>Arcee in Hollywood. Director:<p>

"You will need to play a role of an innocent woman, do you have any experience what so ever in that field?"

* * *

><p>Arcee, Chromia, Firestar and Elita One are talking, all grandmas now and retired. Elita One:<p>

"My husband gave me a few hundred dollars for our anniversary!"

Firestar:

"My husband gave me a beautiful watch!"

Chromia:

"My husband bought me a cow!"

Arcee:

"Aw, mine didn't get me anything."

On the next day, Chromia, Firestar and Elita One:

"Goodness! Everything was stolen!"

Arcee, singing:

"Money, money, money, money in my pocket, it is 2 o'clock, time to milk the cow."

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, gets on the bus, to Arcee:<p>

"Excuse me, the newspaper you are sitting on, are you reading it?"

* * *

><p>Red Alert:<p>

"My mountain – my fortress."

Mirage:

"My mansion – my fortress."

Blaster:

"My dance floor – my fortress."

Perceptor:

"My lab – my fortress."

Bumblebee:

"My friends – my fortress."

Grimlock:

"My bottle – my fortress."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Kup, why don't you fill up the cups?"

"Because my vision is bad."

"Then why don't you ever overfill?"

"Because I am not blind."

* * *

><p>At some point, Grimlock got into boxing. One of the head lines in the newspaper:<p>

"Grimlock's new opponent stood his own for 12 rounds and finally got shoved onto the ring …"

* * *

><p>Tracks and Mirage are talking. Tracks:<p>

"I decided to try a new liqueur called 'Napoleon', it is made in France."

"I decided to try Swindle's 'Swirl'."

"Oh, dear …"

"Hey! At least it's legit, why would Swindle bootleg his own product …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The first signs of stress appear in the morning when you wake up and think 'oh, great, I gotta go to work …'."

* * *

><p>Soundwave leaves the house and sees that his car was stolen. Out of the bushes, hungover Grimlock crawls out:<p>

"Give me box of vodka and Grimlock tell you who stole your car."

Soundwave gets him what he wants:

"Inquiry: who stole my car?"

"Very bad people stole your car!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk:<p>

"Here is an modified SVDm2; it's total length is 2 meters, from the trigger to the ammo it is 3 meters …"

Springer:

"Sir, that makes no sense …"

"Example from life, from Wednesday to Friday there are two days, and how many days are there from Friday to Wednesday?"

* * *

><p>Hound in his notes about Earth:<p>

"The only cure for Russian people from vodka is beer."

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"What can be greater than everlasting love?"

Iron Hide:

"Beer."

"And what's better than beer?"

Grimlock:

"Vodka."

"And what's better than vodka?"

Wheeljack:

"Beer with vodka."

* * *

><p>Elita One and Kup are talking. Elita One:<p>

"Why do you, men, so rarely give us flowers?"

"Because you never give us alcohol."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I hate drunk people!"

Kup:

"Oh, yeah, I hate them too. When I get drunk, I hate myself so much ..."

* * *

><p>Wheeljack:<p>

"Not all chemicals are dangerous! Look at oxygen and hydrogen for example! Without them, we can't make water, the most important ingredient to alcohol!"

* * *

><p>Elita One:<p>

"Oh, dear, there are no normal guys …"

Arcee, drunk:

"If there are normal guys then there must be paranormal guys!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk:<p>

"Can you imagine? For just 70 dollars, I found out from a psychic that I am an oaf!"

* * *

><p>Arcee, back when she was a stewardess:<p>

"Dear air flight passengers, our airport welcomes you on your flight. For your comfort and safety, the pilot is raising his first toast …"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"I am so tired of doing nothing all the time! I can't take any more of myself getting drunk with my friends, occasional flirting, useless conversations and everlasting wish to sleep! Finally I will get back to work tomorrow!"

Hot Rod:

"What? Your vacation is coming to an end?"

"No, it is about to begin!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Where were you?"

Arcee, drunk:

"Oh, don't worry, it's ok, I was over at Elita One's place, there were no men there."

On the next day. Arcee:

"Where were you?"

Optimus, drunk:

"Oh, don't worry, it's ok, I was over at Elita One's place, there were no men there."

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk:<p>

"Come in, dear guests! We are eating tasty food, drinking great wine, sitting in comfortable chairs and listening to beautiful music! Come in and listen to music too!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, to his wife:<p>

"Jeez! Another period? How many more of those bloody things do you have? You were on one last month!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk:<p>

"… I am all for equal rights for fembots, they should do whatever they want as long as it is edible …"

* * *

><p>Kup and Grimlock won an "all included" vacation to Russia. Once they came back, Springer:<p>

"Hey guys! How are you? Arrived! Finally! So, what do you guys remember?"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk:<p>

"Springer, what are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"All right, once you are done, come to my office."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**I hope you enjoyed it!**

**If memory serves me well, the bashing shall continue in the next issue! Woohoo! Don't forget to leave your impressions and reviews!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for reading and editing.**


	11. Chapter 11

**_Little Tragedies, Issue 11_**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**After posting the 11th Issue it came to a realization that I should point out some of the roles that some of the characters undertake in the sections. I will point out the more elusive ones in the following issues or maybe a whole list just to avoid confusion although I do try to point out the less obvious roles in certain jokes.**

**In any case, enjoy Issue 11!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Kids, what was the hardest thing for you in grade 3?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Explaining for whom we bought vodka."

* * *

><p>Back in university, Ratchet, tipsy, looks at Bulkhead. Bulkhead:<p>

"What?"

"If you had a moustache, you would look like my girlfriend."

"But I don't have a moustache!"

"Arcee does …"

* * *

><p>Arcee to the principle:<p>

"Please! Give me a job! I have four kids!"

"What else can you do?"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Rumble, Frenzy, how is school?"

"Arcee said that we don't know math and gave us some number on our test …"

* * *

><p>Megatron:<p>

"Swindle! It took you two hours to take out the garbage!"

"Relax! I sold it!"

* * *

><p>Warpath and Wheeljack hang out for the first time in weeks after university. Warpath:<p>

"So? What's new?"

"I tried learning how to play bagpipes."

"And? How is it going? Good?"

"Kinda. Thundercracker moved …"

* * *

><p>Swindle comes back home, sits at a table, takes out a day planner and a pen:<p>

"Pay the loan to the bank, check!"

Slipstream:

"I cheated on you today."

"Divorce wife, check!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave was born right next to a liquor store, everybody thought that his destiny was clear but they were all wrong; he founded his own business and gets drunk in his own office.<p>

* * *

><p>In a filled up bus. Starscream:<p>

"Excuse me, why are you rubbing against me so much? Do you want me?"

"No."

"Well then go away! Maybe somebody else does!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet went to the park, sat on the bench, saw some teenagers and turned to a stranger sitting near-by:<p>

"Urgh, teenagers these days! What the hell are they wearing? For example that girl …"

"It's my son."

"Oh, I am sorry, I didn't know you were the father …"

"I am his mother!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave invited every business partner he had; he also invited a famous pianist. The pianist played, he finally finished, applause. Straxus wanted to show how smart he is and loudly asked:<p>

"Can you play the Moonlight Sonata?"

"What? Again?"

* * *

><p>Warpath meets Jetfire and Jetstorm:<p>

"Oh! You girls are so cute! Are you sisters?"

"No, twins we be."

"Aren't twins sisters?"

"Not always, be brothers we are."

* * *

><p>Shockblast:<p>

"Dad! Can you give me five dollars?"

"Four dollars? What do you need three dollars for? You can't buy anything for two dollars! Here is one dollar, give me the change back."

* * *

><p>Back in university, right before the final year exams. Warpath:<p>

"Hey, Wheeljack, what are you doing?"

"Studying for the three exams I have tomorrow, you?"

"Yeah, three exams too. Wanna hang out?"

"Sure!"

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus:<p>

"Swindle, what is your method in writing out diplomas?"

"Ctrl + C and Ctrl + V."

* * *

><p>Back in high school. Iron Hide to Arcee:<p>

"I am not rich; I cannot buy you a mansion. I am not a poet, I cannot write an epic about you. I am not a painter, I cannot draw you. I am a part timer at a furniture assembly line, I can present you a bed."

* * *

><p>Back in university. Arcee is watching TV and keeps mumbling something. Arcee:<p>

"Wheeljack! I got the TV to talk to me!"

Wheeljack to the computer:

"Can you imagine this? Pfft, talking to a TV- ridiculous!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Arcee, what do you like most about your job?"

"July and August."

* * *

><p>Soundwave is hiring for someone to work on the computers:<p>

"Inquiry: are you interested in porn on the Internet?"

"No."

"Next."

"Inquiry: are you interested in porn on the Internet?"

"No."

"Next."

Kup walks in. Soundwave:

"Inquiry: are you interested in porn on the Internet?"

"What's Internet?"

"Status: hired."

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Elita One:<p>

"So I heard that you are coming back to Optimus?"

Arcee:

"Yes! I can't take it anymore! He is so happy without me!"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"How did you meet Arcee, your wife?"

"It was an accident; no one is to blame …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I went into the forest and got three buckets of mushrooms for Arcee."

Iron Hide:

"What if they are poisonous?"

"What do you mean 'what if'?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I gave you the best years of my life!"

Optimus, scared:

"WHAT? You mean … the worst is yet to come?"

* * *

><p>Springer, training new recruits:<p>

"All right! Here is what's going to happen! We will work for whole five minutes, work, work, work, work, work, work, work and then take a short 2 hour break and then back to work, work, work, work, work, work …"

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus to Springer, who is leaving for another job:<p>

"I already got used to you, you are very much like Hot Rod: disorganized, lazy, irresponsible …"

* * *

><p>Arcee to Optimus:<p>

"I told you! I forgot what I told you but I told it to you a million times!"

* * *

><p>Optimus left for a mission and Arcee got a lover. A few days later, doorbell rings. Arcee:<p>

"Oh, no! It's Optimus!"

Hot Rod:

"FINALLY!"

* * *

><p>Optimus, after a few months of dating Arcee. Arcee:<p>

"So, maybe it is time I met your family?"

"Well, I don't know, kids are over at grandma's and wife is on Cybertron …"

* * *

><p>Swindle:<p>

"You will learn how to swim in just one class!"

Hot Rod:

"Are you guys that good?"

"No, we have an Ick-Yak living in our pool."

* * *

><p>Alpha Trion is sitting on a bench and crying. Hot Rod:<p>

"Why are you crying? Is something wrong?"

"No! I am happy! I am married to a young fembot who loves me; I have a lot of money, a huge house and lots of other things!"

"Then why are you crying?"

"I forgot where I live!"

* * *

><p>Kup calls up Springer:<p>

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing, I am at work."

* * *

><p>Arcee and Elita One are talking:<p>

"Can you recommend me a doctor?"

Elita One, worried:

"What kind do you need?"

"A bachelor."

* * *

><p>Optimus runs into the cafeteria:<p>

"Guys! I am a father! My son was born today!"

Everybody is congratulating him. Elita One, suddenly:

"How does your wife feel?"

"Oh, Arcee doesn't know."

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"The shortest joke – McDonalds is food."

* * *

><p>Arcee and Eilta One are talking. Arcee:<p>

"So how is your husband?"

"Not as good as yours."

* * *

><p>Arcee, introducing herself:<p>

"Hello! My name is Arcee! I am a supermodel!"

Springer:

"What year? The model is not too good …"

* * *

><p>Rodimus came back from a vacation, back to work. After a few hours of thinking, he hits himself on the head:<p>

"I finally remembered what the hell we do around here!"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Can you imagine? Rodimus took away my Employee of the Month award!"

Kup:

"Why?"

"I went to see a Charrball match!"

"How did he find out?"

"He sat right next to me …"

* * *

><p>"… now all we need is a little energon and a lot of luck …"<p>

Megatron grinned and exited the movie theatre:

"More than you can imagine, Prime."

* * *

><p>Wheeljack got a new program, sat down at the computer and began installing it but there were some problems. He was determined to get the thing right but it kept showing random errors. Wheeljack:<p>

"Perceptor, just give me a second; this will take a minute or two."

Finally he got it to work, he gets up and sees Perceptor with a baby:

"Are you finally done?"

* * *

><p>Springer, giving a tour around the The Ark to a few humans. Points at one of the quarters:<p>

"There is a legend that a monster lives there. It comes out at night and puts on some make up, then she looks not that bad …"

Arcee, opens the door:

"GO AWAY!"

* * *

><p>Springer, at his desk at work, feet on the desk, slippers on feet, sleeping. Trailbreaker:<p>

"Hey, Springer, why do you have slippers on your feet?"

"The most important thing is to come to work on time, the rest – doesn't matter."

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Springer, I don't care whether you sleep at work or not, but sleeping in your pajamas -that's just plain out inappropriate!"

* * *

><p>Kup during his homeless days. Kup to Ultra Magnus:<p>

"I love your four legged friend!"

"What friend?"

"Your couch."

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus is dictating a letter to Springer:<p>

"… all culinary and medical supplies …"

Springer writes C&MS. Ultra Magnus:

"What is this?"

"Oh, I just shortened it."

"Oh, ok, keep shortening it. Faculty, utlilities, cartographics, kinetics …"

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus to Hot Rod:<p>

"You work here for three years already and you still can't tell the difference between the first type of charcoal from the second type!"

"Hey, at least I learned that a ton is 700 kilograms!"

* * *

><p>Springer to Hot Rod:<p>

"You say that Optimus was in a good mood when you asked him for a raise?"

"Yeah, he died from laughter."

* * *

><p>Prowl is going around, checking for anything illegal. Prowl, angry, to Swindle:<p>

"I will show you scum how to evade taxes!"

"Oh, good! Please do, this it the third time I got caught."

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes on Earth:<p>

"If it is in a cheap newspaper – it is porn, if it is in an expensive magazine – it is erotica, if it is a painting made from before the 20th century – it is one of the greatest masterpieces."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod and Arcee are taking a road trip. Arcee:<p>

"Oh, dear! I forgot to turn off the stove! Our apartment will burn down!"

"Don't worry, it won't."

"How do you know? Did you leave Springer the keys?"

"No, I forgot to turn off the shower."

* * *

><p>Prowl was patrolling a Russian village but a flock of geese and an old woman got in his way. Old woman:<p>

"Go! GO! You dogs!"

Prowl:

"Um, why do you call them dogs?"

"Because these pigs stepped all over my garden!"

* * *

><p>The telephone rings, Swindle picks up:<p>

"Hello?"

Hot Rod:

"Hi, is this the morgue?"

"No, this is a car wash."

"Oh, ok, sorry I need the morgue."

"Well, maybe you could clean yourself up first?"

* * *

><p>Sunstreaker and Sideswipe went to the sauna but ran out of there because it was too hot:<p>

"Ultra Magnus! Do something!"

"I am sorry! Hot Rod used to work at the crematorium!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Ultra Magnus! I got a surprise for you! Close your eyes!"

"All right."

"Here, what do you think this is?"

"Hm, silk?"

"Nope! I shaved my back!"

* * *

><p>Springer was in a car accident; after a few very critical surgeries:<p>

"Ratchet, I have a question for you, how much longer do I have?"

"Springer, you are not dying!"

"No, no, how much longer do I have until I have to get back to work?"

* * *

><p>Blitzwing:<p>

"Hey, Swindle, can you give me some advice? There are these two girls: one of them she is rather old for me, she is kinda ugly, fat and she got a huge load of money. Or should I date this other girl, beautiful, kind whom I love but with no money what so ever?"

"Love is love, you gotta follow that but do tell me where that other girl lives."

* * *

><p>The new recruits get an assignment in Africa and at some point they encounter a dead elephant:<p>

"Holy! What is that thing?"

"It is rather big …"

"Oh, jeez!"

"Anybody knows what this thing is?"

"Hold on! Hot Rod! You have been here the longest! What is that thing?"

"That is, hm, a 300 year old rabbit."

* * *

><p>Arcee comes to a strip club to get a job:<p>

"Take off your clothes."

She takes off her clothes.

"Now walk down the stage and pole dance."

Arcee does these things.

"Sorry, you are not something we need."

"Um, I was kinda hoping to be a bookkeeper here …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod and Springer meet during the vacation:<p>

"Hey, Springer, what's up? How are you feeling?"

"Eh, I feel like working. Gonna take a nap, maybe it will go away."

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Here is our new employee! Now show him what we do here when you think I am watching you!"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Blaster, are you a good musician?"

"Yeah! I played at a funeral, everybody died from fun!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus to Ultra Magnus:<p>

"It is ridiculous what they do in hospitals these days! Arcee was hospitalized with a tummy ache and she got a new haircut!"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Hey, Swindle, where do you work?"

"In the morgue."

"As who?"

"As a merchandiser."

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"Wheeljack is an intense system administrator!"

Prowl:

"How so?"

"He always comes an hour early to do nothing the whole day."

* * *

><p>Trailbreaker is sitting in the recroom, reading a book. Hound:<p>

"Hey, what are you reading?"

"Great expectations."

"What do you think of it?"

Trailbreaker, with a disappointed tone:

"I had great expectations …"

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus:<p>

"Reason for leaving previous employment?"

Hot Rod:

"Tiredness."

"What?"

"I don't know. Tiredness, they said they were tired of me …"

* * *

><p>Springer to Ultra Magnus:<p>

"I had a dream about you …"

"If I catch you sleeping on the job again, I will do a lot more …"

* * *

><p>Huffer dials a number:<p>

"Excuse me, hi, can I have a dozen doughnuts delivered to this address?"

"Um, sir, this is a life line …"

"Oh, ok, in that case, send me a dozen doughnuts or I will kill myself."

* * *

><p>Smokescreen and Swindle are talking. Smokescreen:<p>

"When people come to me for psychological therapy, I always ask them whether they play chess. If yes, then I tell them to quit; if no, I tell them to learn how to play."

"Why?"

"I don't know but it works."

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"I know that half of us were working and the other half weren't doing anything. Well, it will now be the other way around."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"It is impossible to work at my job!"

Hot Rod:

"Why? That much noise?"

"First of all, the noise, I can't concentrate. Second of all, they keep interrupting me – they ask me not to snore …"

* * *

><p>Girl's night out. Elita One:<p>

"I am so bad, I mixed up all Optimus' papers on the desk. He hasn't been able to organize them yet for the third day in a row now!"

Chromia:

"I am so bad, I took all of his condoms and poked a hole in them with a needle."

THUD.

Arcee fainted.

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Scattershot:<p>

"I will follow my father's footsteps!"

Kup:

"Get drunk off vodka all the time?"

* * *

><p>Springer, commenting on Galactic Olympics:<p>

"Our sportsmen get golden medals in going to the liquor store!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock walks in a bar and orders a drink:<p>

"Smokescreen! 150!"

"Coming right up."

Grimlock drinks it:

"Another!"

"Um, all right."

Grimlock drinks it:

"Another!"

"But you are already getting tipsy!"

"So?"

"Fine, here."

Grimlock drinks it:

"More!"

"I am not giving you anymore! You don't even have an appetizer!"

"And if you give Grimlock an appetizer, will you give Grimlock more?"

"Yes."

Smokescreen gives Grimlock a piece of bread as an appetizer. Grimlock drinks another shot, falls down to the floor:

"SEE WHAT YOUR APPETIZER DID?"

* * *

><p>Grimlock:<p>

"Three bottles of vodka and a salad!"

Smokescreen:

"What kind of salad?"

"Something light …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"There are three ways to lose weight: the gym, prison and work. The first way – you lose money, the second way – you can save up some, the third – you get money!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Grimlock! There is 98% alcohol content in your oil!"

"Why the hell did Grimlock put oil in vodka?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Kup, Grimlock, what's the difference between alcohol and vodka?"

Kup:

"Alcohol you can drink …"

"And vodka?"

Grimlock:

"You have to!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Iron Hide, what do you like better, beer or vodka?"

"It depends on the reason. When drinking beer – it is because of the process, when drinking vodka – it is because of results."

* * *

><p>Rodimus calls all his employees, everybody shows up. Kup and Grimlock come in last, both hungover. Rodimus:<p>

"Were you two drinking again?"

"IF you paid us more, we would eat too."

* * *

><p>On Hot Rod's blog:<p>

"I dropped a bottle of vodka yesterday, looking for new friends."

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Grimlock! Can you lend me some money?"

"No! Economical crisis!"

"Let's go drink then?"

"Ok! I am paying!"

* * *

><p>Kup is driving really freaking fast, Prowl stops them:<p>

"Why are you driving so fast?"

"You see, I partied with my friends on New Year's and got a little caught up. My wife is worried!"

"New Year's? It's August!"

"Like I said – got a little caught up."

* * *

><p>Kup is standing in front of the liquor store, crying. Hot Rod:<p>

"Kup! Why are you crying? They didn't bring in sake?"

"They did."

"You don't have any money?"

"I do have lots of money."

"Than what's the problem?"

Kup, bawling like a baby:

"I don't want to!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock comes back from a trip to the forest to pick up mushrooms. Prowl:<p>

"So how was your trip? Did you collect a lot of mushrooms?"

"No, Grimlock drank only two bottles of vodka."

Springer:

"Yeah, mushrooms suck this year."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The answer to the question 'what is your favorite drink' depends on the morning whether you have work or not."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Issue 11! Hope you guys enjoyed it!**

**I guess I will be updating Little Tragedies every weekend, I will try to keep it an interruptible stream so that you guys will have something to read every week! **


	12. Chapter 12

**_Little Tragedies, Issue 12_**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword<strong>

**Issue 12 is out people! Sorry it is up so late, had trouble with college stuff, my 20 months of non-stop studying have begun ...**

**Either way, I hope you enjoy this. I try to come up with material for as many characters as I can but I don't always managed to pull it off but I think you would agree that not all jokes are suited for every character.**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Some kid:<p>

"My dad has 8 cellphones!"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Our dad has 3 limousines!"

Shockblast:

"We have a huge rat, this big, in our basement."

Everybody, synchronized:

"What? Really? Show us!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave to grown up Flipsides:<p>

"Mission: we have to talk. Inquiry: how did pictures of you end up on a porn site?"

"Yes, daddy, we need to talk. How did you find out?"

* * *

><p>Straxus in a restaurant:<p>

"Excuse me, would you mind getting me Swiss cheese?"

Bumblebee:

"Sure thing!"

"But just the holes- I am on a diet."

* * *

><p>Kid:<p>

"When I was born, a rose fell on me so I was called Rose!"

Kid #2:

"When I was born, a lily fell on me so I was called Lily!"

Shockblast:

"A fridge fell on me but I was called Shockblast …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk, tells a bedtime story to Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"… then the Little Red Riding Hood came up to her grandma and said 'Here, granny, I brought you food!' To which her grandmother said 'A little later, I haven't digested the wolf yet …'."

* * *

><p>Alpha Trion:<p>

"Kup, why did Optimus marry Arcee? She is not that good looking …"

"So that he won't need to post guards in his house …"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy call Sentinel:<p>

"Uncle Sentinel! Uncle Sentinel! Mommy and daddy are stuck in an elevator!"

"Oh, slag, are they alive?"

"We think so, mommy is moaning! She is probably hurt!"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Rumble! Frenzy! Don't swim too far! Rumble! Frenzy! I told you not to swim too far! All right, that's it, get out of the bathtub."

* * *

><p>In a psychiatric clinic:<p>

"All right, relax, just relax; calm down, ok, good. Now, start all over again."

Thundercracker:

"First I created the sky and the earth …"

* * *

><p>Flipsides comes to the pharmacy and begins crying. Ratchet:<p>

"Flipsides, why are you crying?"

"Mommy and daddy sent me to buy something, I don't remember what it was, it had a short name! One of its ingredients was blugofluoro granulosufuro manganite …"

* * *

><p>Straxus to Megatron:<p>

"My dog is really not that intelligent, I tell it to go get my newspaper and it bakes me muffins!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave took Rumble and Frenzy to see ruins of an old castle. After a while of walking around, Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Daddy! Is this where mommy learned how to drive?"

* * *

><p>Megatron is sunbathing on a beach when Soundwave, drunk, skydives out of an airplane, fully geared for skiing. Megatron:<p>

"Soundwave, what are you doing?"

"Explanation: relax, the next plane has the snow."

* * *

><p>Thundercracker calls up Starscream:<p>

"Where the hell are you? You said that you will be home after 3!"

"Yeah, the third one is taking his time."

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Do you have sex?"

"No."

"Do you smoke?"

"No."

"Do you drink?"

"No."

"Wipe that smirk off your face! I will find something!"

* * *

><p>Optimus wakes up in the middle of the night form a nightmare, still partially in the dream he asks:<p>

"Am I in heaven?"

Arcee, sleepy:

"No, I am here …"

* * *

><p>Elita One:<p>

"I can't take it aymore! Seaspray keeps talking about his previous wife!"

Arcee:

"You are lucky, Optimus keeps talking about his future wife …"

* * *

><p>Swindle once freed a genie and was supposed to make his three wishes:<p>

"All right. I want a beautiful summer villa on Cybertron, a few rooms of that villa filled with money, I want the latest weapons, latest, defense systems, a gorgeous girlfriend, that's one. Two …"

* * *

><p>Inferno:<p>

"Look! Red Alert broke a cup and put it back together! Doesn't even look like it was broken at all!"

Iron Hide:

"Chromia sewed my pants together after I ripped them. Doesn't even look like they got damaged at all!"

Optimus:

"Arcee cleaned my shirt. Doesn't even look like it was washed at all!"

* * *

><p>Arcee, cuddling with Optimus:<p>

"Sweetie, how far will you go for me?"

"Are you kidding me? I would cross the whole galaxy! I would get you a star from the sky! I would …"

"Oh! Great! Than for the warm up – take out the garbage …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Optimus, want to have some fun?"

"What did you do this time? Or do you just need money?"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Megatron, are you scary?"

"I don't know. When I walk around a graveyard, everybody hides and doesn't make a sound."

* * *

><p>Optimus in a restaurant:<p>

"Excuse me, would you mind bringing me eggs, fried to a charcoal, French fries hard as cement, over-salted soup and stinky coffee. Oh! And could you also sit opposite of me and bitch at me? I miss Arcee …"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"So, Optimus, how is Arcee?"

"Oh, great! Sex is great, have lots of fun but we don't have similar interests."

"How so?"

"Well, for one, when I am having sex, she yells at me from the kitchen that dinner is ready …"

* * *

><p>Elita One:<p>

"So, Arcee, how did Optimus treat you?"

"Like a dog!"

"Huh?"

"He wanted me to be loyal!"

* * *

><p>Swindle:<p>

"Congratulations! You won the lottery! You won one million dollars! You will be getting a dollar a year!"

* * *

><p>Optimus Prime is checking his son's report card:<p>

"So, I see you got straight A's and B's! Great! Wait, what's this?"

"Oh, the teacher wrote that I talk too much and that she will be taking measures."

After a few seconds of thinking, Optimus took a pen and wrote something down on the report card:

"Gives this to your teacher."

The son looks at the report card:

"If those measures work, contact me IMMEDIATELY! I will try them out on Arcee."

* * *

><p>Seaspray, grimly:<p>

"So, I had a son."

Hot Rod:

"Isn't that good?"

"No, my wife found out."

* * *

><p>Smokescreen:<p>

"So, ready to start your first psychology appointment?"

Hot Rod:

"Yes."

"All right, how are you?"

"I am fine."

"Um, then why are you here?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, where are you going?"

"Fishing."

"Uh-huh, in that case, catch a kilogram of fish, 2 liters of milk and 3 kilograms of potatoes."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Optimus! Look! Chromia and Iron Hide are so happy together! Look! They are sitting on the bench, he is kissing her, whispering compliments. Why don't you do that?"

Optimus:

"I don't know her that well …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Can I use the computer? Mine broke and I need to check my emails."

"Sure but be quick about it, I got tons of work."

Arcee opens up her email and begins reading a letter. Twenty minutes later, Optimus, annoyed:

"Who sent you such a long letter?"

"Elita One is talking about her vacation."

"Right, so how is it?"

"She will tell me the whole story when we meet up."

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"There is no driver more careful than the one who forgot his driving license at home."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Swindle, why does it say here that it is nylon when in reality these clothes are cotton?"

"We are tricking the moths this way!"

* * *

><p>Bluestreak walks into a store:<p>

"Hey, Swindle, do you have any of those Bluetooth things?"

"Yeah, got them all. What model is your cell phone?"

"Oh, I don't have one."

"Then …"

"I talk to myself a lot, just don't want people to think I am crazy …"

* * *

><p>Court, Blitzwing:<p>

"… first you sue my client, defendant, Swindle, for stealing during the day. Now you sue him for stealing during the night. So when exactly is my client supposed to steal?"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod to Prowl:<p>

"I wasn't driving drunk! I just drank a few shots of vodka and was driving!"

Prowl, glaring at Hot Rod:

"Right, which is why I am putting you in the brig for 7 days instead of a whole week."

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"I found it curious that when a human thinks that they are an alien or Napoleon, they are admitted to a psychiatric clinic but when a male human thinks that he is a human female, he is protected by law."

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"Springer: you charge into enemy ranks first, always get into fights with lots of Decepticons, save people from seemingly suicidal missions. Aren't you afraid that you are going to die one day?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I took out a credit till 2005."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Why are you speeding this time?"

Optimus:

"There is a naked fembot in my house!"

"Um, right …"

"If I don't get there before my wife, I am dead!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Hey, where were you?"

Springer:

"In the gym."

"And what were you doing there for eight hours?"

"Drinking beer."

* * *

><p>Prowl is participating in a jurisdictional process. Plaintiff:<p>

"Is it correct that you were selling The Water of Eternal Youth?"

"Yes."

"You stated that you were selling this product for 500 years, correct?"

"That is indeed what I said."

"Now, a question to your assistant. Was your employer selling this product for as long as he claims?"

"I don't know, I worked with him for only 200 years."

* * *

><p>Bluestreak:<p>

"Hey, Swindle, I heard you had a talking parrot. If you got anymore, I will pay double!"

"No, unfortunately I ran out but I do have a very smart woodpecker; he knows Morse code!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first surgeries. Patient:<p>

"AH! YOU CUT OFF MY LEG!"

Professor, squinting, slowly waving the chainsaw around:

"I am sorry."

"No, no, it's ok."

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"Hey, tech support? Yeah, my computer is slow …"

Wheeljack:

"Don't rush then …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Hey, Arcee, how is it outside?"

"I don't know! It is such a heavy rain that I can't see anything!"

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"It has recently come to be understood that the Great Wall of China has been built by their neighbors …"

* * *

><p>Arcee, happy, runs into her apartment:<p>

"Mom! I have a boy!"

"Really? Where does he study?"

"Nowhere, he is 2 days old …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Can you imagine this, I come home and I see Arcee in bed with some Japanese robot!"

Iron Hide:

"What did you say?"

"What could I say? I don't know any Japanese."

* * *

><p>Swindle:<p>

"Our firm solves all of your problems!"

Hot Rod:

"But I don't have any problems."

"We can give them to you!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first surgeries. The lights suddenly went out, Ratchet:<p>

"Professor! We are losing him!"

"Don't worry, he couldn't have gone very far! He didn't have any legs! His liver is in my hands too …"

* * *

><p>Optimus's son:<p>

"Daddy! Tell me a fairy tale!"

"All right, tomorrow, I will come home sober, buy Arcee some flowers and get you a bike …"

* * *

><p>Prowl overhears a Russian soccer coach talking to his team:<p>

"There are two ways we can win, the realistic way and the fantasy way. The realistic way – aliens come and help us. The fantasy way – we win ourselves."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Ratchet, why do you ask your patients what they drink? Does it influence the diagnosis?"

"It influences my paycheck."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Mom! It is 3 a.m. and Optimus is still not back! He is cheating on me!"

"Don't assume the worst! Maybe he got in a car accident and is near death …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod, after driving class:<p>

"Dear! There are so many rules! I don't think I can break all of them in my life time!"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Huffer! Where are you going?"

"I am going to kill myself."

"What? Are you crazy? In your new clothes?"

* * *

><p>Seaspray, runs into the recroom, happy:<p>

"Guys! Two girls were fighting over me!"

"Say what?"

"Yeah! One of them said 'take him', and the other 'why the hell would I do that?'"

* * *

><p>Swindle:<p>

"I was over at Megatron's for dinner; he got new golden forks, knives, spoons and everything!"

Blitzwing:

"Really? Show me!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! Go outside and water the plants!"

"Arcee, it's raining."

"Then take an umbrella!"

* * *

><p>Sunstreaker:<p>

"Sideswipe! I don't think I will be doing any more abstract portraits!"

"Why not?"

"Arcee asked me to draw her a portrait and then she suddenly told me to change the color of her eyes!"

"Right, so what is the problem?"

"I don't remember where I painted the eyes …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first surgeries. Patient:<p>

"Is it really necessary to perform such an expensive surgery?"

Ratchet:

"Yes."

"But I have a family to feed!"

"It will …"

Professor:

"I got a family too you know."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"The weather forecast says that it will be 30 degrees Celsius this weekend!"

Prowl:

"That's impossible!"

"Yeah it is! 15 during Saturday and 15 during Sunday!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Well? How am I doing Ratchet?"

"Eh, you should be out by tomorrow. Tell Ultra Magnus to come pick you up."

"I don't think that would be necessary …"

"What do you mean, unnecessary? Who is going to get the body out of here?"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod calls to the morgue:<p>

"Yes, hi, I am looking for someone …"

Ratchet:

"None of the bodies come in with the documents, maybe you could give us some special features of the one you are looking for?"

"All right, he stutters."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Well, Hot Rod, your cough is certainly better …"

"Thanks! I was practicing!"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>At an arts fare, Hound is going around and looking at what his fellow Autobots made. Hound:<p>

"Hey, Sunstreaker, these paintings are gorgeous! I don't have the money to buy any of the ones you have now but can you recommend me something in oil?"

Sunstreaker, drunk:

"Sardines."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Grimlock! Why are you drinking! Ratchet forbade you!"

"Me, Grimlock, give him 500 dollars; Ratchet allowed!"

* * *

><p>Arcee comes back home with a hangover, sits down and begins flicking her fingers. An hour passes. Optimus:<p>

"What's wrong, Arcee?"

Arcee, flicking her fingers:

"That's right! Arcee!"

* * *

><p>An airplane crashes in the sea. Prowl and Kup, acting pilots, surface. Prowl:<p>

"I told you not to let the auto-pilot drink but nooooooo … 'it's a tradition, it's a tradition' …"

* * *

><p>Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, Kup and Wreck-Gar decided to attend an anime convention and all got costumes – Sunstreaker dressed like Van Gogh, Sideswipe dressed up as Neo from Matrix, Wreck-Gar and Kup went as themselves. After a while, Kup:<p>

"Hey, Sideswipe, go get us some sake."

"What? Why me?"

"Well, you are the Chosen One!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, lies on the ground. Springer:<p>

"Rodimus! Go home!"

"They say that planets spin around themselves."

"And?"

"Waiting for my house to get to me …"

* * *

><p>Optimus and Megatron are arguing:<p>

"Grimlock can eat a whole Ick-Yak in one sitting!"

"Bullshit! No way that is possible!"

"Wanna bet?

"Sure."

So they get Grimlock (he is drunk … as usual), kill an Ick-Yak and make sausages, cutlets, meatloaf and other culinary dishes out of it and give them to Grimlock. Grimlock, on his last few dishes:

"Optimus, tell them to bring the Ick-Yak, Grimlock getting full …"

* * *

><p>Hound:<p>

"I went hunting and killed an Ick-Yak!"

Warpath:

"I went hunting and killed a Decepticon!"

Kup, drunk:

"You guys ever heard of the Dead Sea? That was me and Grimlock."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Every time I get back home, Arcee tells me 'let me smell your breath!'; she finds out!"

Kup, drunk:

"Do what I do, when she asks you to breathe, you breathe as hard as you can."

"And then what happens?"

"She faints!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**I don't know about you but Under The Degree is my personal favorite section. Alcohol is powerful, it reveals certain truths about our world, sometimes scary, sometimes so freaking funny, my processor overloads and kinda shuts down.**

**Once I reach a certain higher level of popularity and a decent amount of Little Tragedies Issues posted (more than 40 I am hoping), I will initiate a number of polls to see what are your favorite sections, characters/pairs and types of humor and probably other stuff. I am hoping it to be helpful feedback and you can always leave a review.**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


	13. Chapter 13

_**Little Tragedies, Issue 13**_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Hello everyone! Decided to make this week a double issue week! I don't know how many people read this but I am hoping to bring up spirits of those who started the new year in their educational facilities, we all need a good laugh, especially during the times of stress.**

**Speaking of laughter, I heard in psychology today that they started making "Laughter Rooms" in India ... people just begin/force themselves to laugh ... I don't know about you but it tells me that people are unable to entertain themselves ... which is very sad ... so I try to give more reason or people to laugh! Sure I may not be too successful but at least I am putting effort into it! One of these days try to write a humor fic, contribute to the amount of material there is to cause laughter! Remember, the more we laugh in our lifetime, the longer we live!**

**Enjoy issue 13!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Rumble! Frenzy! What happened to you? Why are you two all covered in dirt?"

"Mommy was trying to give us a bath …"

* * *

><p>Warpath:<p>

"Wheeljack, did you smoke?"

"How did you know?"

"Your moustache is on fire."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Shockblast, why are you so angry?"

"I am angry at my parents!"

"What did they do?"

"They made me."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Rumble! Frenzy! Why are you brushing your teeth for the seventh time in a row?"

"So that you wouldn't yell at us the whole week about it!"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Daddy bought Mars today."

Shockblast:

"What? He had no where else to put his money?"

"Yeah, nowhere else."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Rumble! Frenzy! Stop beating up that kid that broke your dad's car window! Just step away from him! I can't aim!"

* * *

><p>Straxus and Megatron go to Paris and walk into a French restaurant. The whole menu is in French, Straxus:<p>

"I would le salad, le soup, le beefsteak and le wine."

A few minutes later, the waiter comes back and brings everything Straxus ordered. Straxus:

"Well, Megatron? How is my French? Whatever would we eat without me?"

Bumblebee:

"If I wasn't from Cybertron, whatever would you eat without me?"

* * *

><p>Shockblast's dad comes home, angry as hell:<p>

"Wife! This is all your fault! You tell me go to the parent-teacher meeting and don't tell me which school Shockblast goes to!"

* * *

><p>Swindle:<p>

"Hey, Soundwave! Buy yourself a parrot!"

"Inquiry: does it swear?"

"No but it is very smart! It will learn in under a week!"

* * *

><p>"Professor Warpath! Please! Don't give me a C grade! Fail me so that I can retake the course!"<p>

"How about this – you solve the last problem – I fail you, if you don't – I give you a C."

* * *

><p>During his hobodays, Kup, drunk:<p>

"Hey, Arcee, do you like animals?"

"Yes."

"Will you adopt this poor, old, drunk autodog?"

* * *

><p>Shockblast:<p>

"Every single time I get naughty, dad takes off his belt and beats me!"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Every single time we get naughty, dad takes off his belt, his pants fall down and mommy tells us to come home later."

* * *

><p>Arcee's first time in a high class society gathering. Mirage:<p>

"Excuse me, madam, have you been asked for a dance yet?"

"No."

"In that case, would you mind holding my glass of wine?"

* * *

><p>University laboratories, before Wheeljack:<p>

Engineering: a team of engineers.

Testing team: trained professionals.

University laboratories, when Wheeljack stepped in:

Engineering: Wheeljack, just Wheeljack.

Testing team: hopefully nobody.

* * *

><p>Tracks reported Soundwave to be missing and thoroughly described his appearance. Police officer:<p>

"What do we tell him once we find him?"

"Tell him that my mother is not coming over."

* * *

><p>Soundwave, trying to cheer up Tracks:<p>

"There is no 'I' in team, but there is a 'u' in us."

* * *

><p>Jetfire and Jetstorm:<p>

"Uncle Wheeljack! Us tell the difference between lectures and exams in universities!"

"You see, during a lecture, the professor tells his students extraordinary things and tells them amazing facts. During the exam, the roles are reversed."

* * *

><p>Wheeljack, angry:<p>

"I know your type! First you make it look like you care and sexy and all and then once the night is over, you run away!"

Starscream:

"Why all night? A few hours is more than enough!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Did you guys know that the first two hours of your life are the most dangerous? You could die."

Rumble and Frenzy:

"What about the last two hours?"

* * *

><p>Soundwave, drunk:<p>

"Destination: Rumble! Frenzy! Mission: don't think bad things about people!"

"Why not?"

"What is the point?"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"The defendant has committed the crime of the century!"

Thundercraker:

"Don't bother stroking my ego, I won't tell you that I did it."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Who was Archimedes?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"He was a mathematician."

"What word is he famous for?"

"Eureka."

"What does it mean?"

"I found it."

"What did he find?"

"We don't know, soap probably …"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Arcee! Could you give us a picture of you?"

"Sure, what do you want it for? Collecting memorable people?"

"No, Pokemon."

* * *

><p>Warpath:<p>

"Waiter! I ordered meat with lemon! Where is the meat?"

Bumblebee:

"Have you checked under the lemon?"

* * *

><p>Back in medschool. Professor:<p>

"Can anyone tell me where the heart is located?"

Ratchet:

"It is in the ribcage."

"Wrong, it is in the pericardium sac."

Shockwave:

"Let me ask you this, Professor. Where are you now? In a classroom or in your clothes?"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack:<p>

"What's the temperature in the shade?"

Perceptor:

"16 degrees."

"And in the sun?"

"Sixteen million degrees."

* * *

><p>Bulkhead:<p>

"May I have three cheeseburgers, two bags of French fries, two milkshakes, four apple hot pockets and four Coca-colas."

Bumblebee:

"You want a liposuction with that?"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy! A doctor came today to school!"

"Really?"

"Yeah! He checked whether we were breathing or not!"

* * *

><p>An ad in a newspaper:<p>

"A familee off eentellectuals wil cell two pianos, they does not phit in appartement. Rahmbl annd Frnzee."

* * *

><p>Flipsides:<p>

"Daddy, have you ever seen a crumpled up five dollar bill?"

"Affirmative."

"Daddy, have you ever seen a crumpled up twenty dollar bill?"

"Affirmative."

"Daddy, have you ever seen a crumpled up fifty dollar bill?"

"Affirmative."

"Daddy, have you ever seen a crumpled up hundred dollar bill?"

"Affirmative."

"Daddy, have you ever seen one hundred thousand crumpled up dollars?"

"Affirmative."

"Have you ever seen one hundred million crumpled up dollars?"

"Negative."

"Go, look, they are in the garage."

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Hey, Springer, what do I do if the parachute doesn't come out?"

"Pull on the emergency parachute."

"And I that doesn't open?"

"Quickly-quickly wave your hands around."

Hot Rod jumped. A few seconds later, Springer hears a knock on the side of the plane, looks outside one of the windows and sees Hot Rod waving his hands:

"What now?"

* * *

><p>2 a.m., Optimus:<p>

"Blaster! Can I borrow your boombox?"

"Sure, Prime! Here! Why you need it?"

"I want to get some sleep."

* * *

><p>Elita One and Arcee bump into each on the street:<p>

"Hey, Elita One! What's up?"

"Oh, nothing, just left the beauty salon."

"Really? What did you do there?"

"I bleached my hair."

"What color?"

* * *

><p>Swindle:<p>

"So, Wheeljack, how well do you know how to work with Photoshop?"

"Here is my portfolio."

"Oh, wow, ho ho, that's funny, oh, that is just awesome! All right, you are just what we are looking for the position of financial director!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I had a very happy dream!"

Iron Hide:

"Really?"

"Yeah, I was proposing to Arcee again …"

"Aw, that's cute …"

"And she said no!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"You have been saying mean things to me in your sleep!"

Optimus:

"What makes you think I was saying them in my sleep?"

* * *

><p>Huffer, after a surgery:<p>

"Ratchet, what day is tomorrow?"

"The next one."

* * *

><p>Back in high school, Hot Rod:<p>

"Excuse me, you think we could get to know each other or is your heart already won?"

Arcee:

"Well, I still have a stomach, kidneys, a brain …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I don't think my husband loves me …"

Elita One:

"Why do you think that?"

"It is already the second year that he doesn't come home."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"My wife has such a horrible memory!"

Iron Hide:

"She keeps forgetting things?"

"No, she remembers everything!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first surgeries. Ratchet:<p>

"So, Swindle, I see that you already had your surgery."

"Yes."

"And?"

"3000 dollars."

"I meant what was it that you had?"

"1000 dollars."

"No, I meant what was the problem?"

"The cost of the surgery."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"I will never stop loving my job!"

Hot Rod:

"Really? Is it that awesome?"

"No, in order to stop loving something, you need to love it first."

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first surgeries. Professor:<p>

"You need a surgery!"

"No! I would rather die than be on an operating table!"

"Well, one doesn't necessarily hinder the other."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod comes to Ratchet, all beaten up. Ratchet:<p>

"What happened to you?"

"I found a boomerang."

"Then just throw it away!"

"Why don't I let you do that?"

* * *

><p>Elita One:<p>

"I heard that you posed for Sunstreaker's new painting 'Venus and The Snake'."

Arcee:

"Yes, I did!"

"Who posed for Venus?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Smokescreen! I didn't have sex in five years! I need someone!"

"What do I have to do with anything? I am a psychologist!"

"Just a little more and I will go crazy!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Kup! I need some advice!"

"Shoot."

"What do I talk to girls about?"

"Their strong sides."

"And if she doesn't have any?"

"You talk about other girls' flaws."

* * *

><p>Hound was randomly lost at sea. Prowl mounted a rescue and eventually found Hound on a deserted island, hugging a palm tree:<p>

"If it wasn't for you, Mirage, I would have gone crazy!"

* * *

><p>Prowl and Jazz had twins. Iron Hide:<p>

"Prowl, they are twins! How do you tell them apart?"

"By their finger prints."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Poor, poor Hot Rod …"

"Iron Hide:

"What happened?"

"Arcee left me for him."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee, stop cracking your fingers! You know I don't like it!"

"Oh, he doesn't like it! Then give me the credit card!"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"Optimus! Yesterday at the concert Arcee kept coughing, it was really annoying. Is she better now?"

"Oh, don't worry, she just wore a new dress yesterday."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Ratchet, will I live?"

"Sure you will, as spare parts in different people …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I am three fourths married!"

Elita One:

"How so?"

"I agree, my parents agree, Optimus' parents agree …"

* * *

><p>Red Alert goes to a haircutter's. Haircutter, attempting to initiate a conversation:<p>

"So, what team are you rooting for?"

"The one you are rooting for."

"How do you know what team I am rooting for?"

"Hey, you are the one who has sharp objects."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"If you make nine mistakes in 'hard work' you will get 'internet'."

* * *

><p>Ratchet, trying to calm a dying Huffer down:<p>

"Relax, your pulse is normal, your heart is good, lungs too …"

"Oh, good, I am dying perfectly healthy."

* * *

><p>Swindle:<p>

"Arcee, why do you keep buying tickets all the time? This is your 8th time!"

"Some guy at the entrance keeps ripping it up!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first surgeries. Patient:<p>

"Ratchet, is it true that The legendary Professor will be operating on me?"

"Yeah, he does it every now and then to see if he remembers anything."

* * *

><p>Optimus built up the courage and yelled at Arcee:<p>

"Who is the head of this household?"

"Me, why?"

"No, nothing; just asking."

* * *

><p>Prowl, trying to understand Earth fairy tales:<p>

"… Pinocchio was probably controlled through a wi-fi …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Every single time a bimbo passes by, you always look at her as if you forget that you are married!"

"On the contrary, every single time I look, I remember that I am."

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"A paradox – it is frowned upon to drink vodka before a bath but after drinking vodka, it is welcome."

* * *

><p>Back in high school. Hot Rod:<p>

"Arcee, are you married?"

"No, I just forgot to put on my makeup."

* * *

><p>Arcee takes up violin lessons. Optimus:<p>

"FINE! I WILL BUY YOU THAT STUPID DRESS!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Springer, I got to know a girl but her parents are against our happiness! They want us to get married!"

* * *

><p>Everybody is having fun, drinking and talking. Optimus is sitting all sad. Prowl:<p>

"Optimus, why are you so sad?"

"Ratchet diagnosed Arcee with AIDS. Ha! Joking! Wait, why did you all freeze?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I wish I encountered a good fairy so that she would give me 100 000 dollars."

Elita One:

"Why not a million?"

"A million, that's just a fantasy!"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack:<p>

"Every time I see something ridiculous, I laugh."

Sunstreaker and Sideswipe:

"Then how do you shave?"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee, when I married you, I was a total idiot."

"I was so much in love with you that I didn't see that."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Ratchet! I can't breathe with my nose!"

"Then breathe with your mouth."

Arcee, sarcastically:

"Oh, wow, thank you, doctor …"

"You are welcome, pay 100 dollars. Next!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee, I want to make a proposal."

"Oh? Really?"

"Yeah, stay the hell away from me."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"My psychiatrist said that I am one of a kind!"

Elita One:

"Really?"

"Yeah! He never encountered anything more psychologically screwed up in his life!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"All right, close your right eye and look at this letter, what is it?"

Springer:

"B."

"Uh-huh, all right, try again."

"B."

"Hm, ok, try your other eye."

"B."

"Try again."

"B."

"All right, with both eyes, what is this letter?"

"I already told you four times! It is B!"

Ratchet looks at the board:

"Oh, damn, it is B."

* * *

><p>Crazy house. Patient 1:<p>

"So, how did you like my novel?"

Patient 2:

"I liked it a lot but there are too many characters …"

Ratchet walks in:

"Who took my telephone book?"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack:<p>

"Hey, Perceptor, I found a new anti-virus, works really well! Want it?"

"No, it is ok, I have a Mac. It is so slow and crashes so frequently, the virus doesn't have any effect!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I made the first step towards divorce."

Elita One:

"What is it?"

"I got married."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"I haven't seen you in a long time."

Arcee:

"I was sick."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Arcee, when is your birthday?"

"In May."

"What year?"

"Every year …"

* * *

><p>Huffer:<p>

"I don't have any friends …"

Springer:

"Why not?"

"I don't drink …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Ratchet, what does 'X3' mean in my current medical history?"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Springer, you seem very tired ever since you came from work. Was the cross-word puzzle hard?"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Grimlock! Why do you drink so much?"

"Me, Grimlock, worried!"

"About what?"

"About Grimlock's health!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"How often do you drink?"

Kup:

"A lot, but sometimes I pass out …"

* * *

><p>Prowl, after the party:<p>

"Grimlock! When did you guests leave?"

"When bottle corkscrew broke."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"It's a nightmare with Soundwave! He is still out drinking!"

Arcee:

"He should take example from Optimus, he was already dragged home drunk."

* * *

><p>Rodimus orders a bottle of Champagne, he opens up the bottle and a genie comes out of it. Genie:<p>

"What are your three wishes …"

Rodimus:

"Waiter! What is this?"

"Holy crap! That's a genie!"

"I ordered Champagne!"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Hey! Grimlock!"

"Hey, Prowl, how is life?"

"Life is great! Bought an apartment on Earth, it is small but I get around. What are you doing?"

"Drinking."

Five years later:

"Hey! Grimlock!"

"Hey, Prowl, how is life?"

"Life is great! Bought a car, it is small but I get around. What are you doing?"

"Drinking."

Five years later:

"Hey! Grimlock!"

"Hey, Prowl, how is life?"

"Life is great! Went to Cybertron for a vacation. What are you doing?"

"Grimlock won recycling contest – five million dollars prize! Bought a huge house on Cybertron, a limo, I live on Cybertron and still drink!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"What's a transitional age?"

Kup, drunk:

"It's when you no longer like Mecha-Cola yet are too young to be drinking alcohol."

* * *

><p>Grimlock:<p>

"Grimlock heart bleed when look at preserved animals!"

Prowl:

"Why? It's just three frogs."

"Three frogs and ten liters of alcohol for them!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, face in a bowl of salad. Hot Rod (waiter):<p>

"Grimlock!"

"What!"

"Lift up your head."

"Why?"

"I will change the salad to a fresher one …"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Let's drink!"

Kup:

"No, let's not make an everyday occurrence part of a celebration."

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"Hey, Kup, is dog a man's best friend?"

"Yeah."

"But it doesn't drink!"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"Hey, Hoist, got any beer?"

"Yeah but it is flat and sour."

"Urgh, do you have any wine then?"

"Um, would be better if you order a beer."

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, picks up the phone:<p>

"Hello?"

"RODIMUS! YOU ARE A FATHER!"

"Oh! Wow! Great! Congratulations! Wait, who is this?"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk:<p>

"Birthdays are a very useful thing, the more a person has them, the longer they will live!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk to Optimus:<p>

"If she is stomping around the apartment and doesn't listen to you, don't interrupt her; she is probably dancing."

* * *

><p>Grimlock:<p>

"Hoist! 50 liters of vodka!"

"Anything else?"

"No, Grimlock driving!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee says that all men are idiots."

Grimlock, drunk:

"That not true! Grimlock, single!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Whining is bitching but with a reason."

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, went to Louvre and after seeing Mona Lisa he calls up Sunstreaker and Sideswipe:<p>

"Hey, Sideswipe, is Sunstreaker there?"

"No, why?"

"Do you know if anybody robbed him?"

"No, why?"

"His Mona Lisa is here in France."

* * *

><p>Swindle, drunk:<p>

"If you want to double your money, put them in front of a mirror!"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"Hey, Optimus, would you mind lending me your tuxedo?"

"No, I don't have one."

"Then how did you get married?"

"Drunk."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"I am so apathetic! My boss lowered my pay because of my drinking and I could care less!"

Springer, drunk:

"I am so apathetic! My boss keeps telling me 'Hot Rod! If you keep drinking, I will fire you!', and I am not Hot Rod!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"Alcohol not kill brain! Only part that no drinks!'

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"There is only one bad thing about vodka."

Kup:

"What is it?"

"There is never enough of it."

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"A man who doesn't drink has a poor fantasy – he can't come up with a good reason to drink."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Judging from the color of your nose, you have a bottle opener."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Issue 13 people! Hope you enjoyed it!**

**I found out about this a long time ago, Happiness Hat! Check it out on google, it is the single, most disturbing piece of clothing I think I will ever come across, why? Imagine Swindle reading the following sentences:**

**Happiness Hat! If you are not smiling, it drills a hole in your skull! Order now and you will get Ick-Yak Happiness Hat! If you are not smiling while serving your pet Ick-Yak, another Ick-Yak in the hat will slowly eat your brains! Order now!**

**No, seriously, Happiness Hat has this mechanism that detects if you are smiling and if it registers that you are not, it quite literally drives a spike into your skull. Is it just me or that is just *bleep*ing disturbing? Why would anybody ever do that to themselves? That hat is yet another reason why I think we should all look harder for reasons to laugh and give other people reasons to laugh! What fun can there possibly be (unless you are a masochist of some sort ...) with something like this? Watch the video! Yes! There is a video! Don't stoop down to those levels! Some of you may think it is a good idea but trust me, a future medical professional, that THIS is NOT the way!**

**In any case, I wish you all a good school year, learn a lot, meet new great people, perhaps meet the love of your life! Lets make this year a good one!**


	14. Chapter 14

_**Little Tragedies, Issue 14**_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**I apologize for putting this up late, I was a little too caught up in fanfic writing yesterday, I wrote perhaps the saddest, most angsty fic I will ever have to write, I cried, C.M.D. cried, I was even more depressed than usual when I was writing it, C.M.D. even tried slagging me over msn, it was scary ... no seriously, don't freaking mess with her, she will slag you up, and I made her cry for Grimlock. It was the cutest thing ever, I swear ...**

**In other news, I have watched X-Men: First Class like everybody else who didn't want to strain themselves to see yet another X-Men movie, illegally streaming it online ... or am I kidding? Or have I rented the DVD? Muahahaha! But yes, for me, the highlight of the movie was the energized hoola-hoop ring guy, Wolverine telling Magneto to go f*ck himself, aaaaaaaaaand that's pretty much it, the story was ok, the movie was a little slow at times, it is not a bad movie but I wouldn't recommend it unless you are a Marvel fan.**

**Next up - Captain America (here is a tiny tip - normally after marvel movies they have bits of extra stuff like in Ironman, after the cast and crew roll they had Nick Fury talking to Tony Stark or Ironman 2 - they give a trailer teaser for Thor or in Thor - a teaser for Avengers!), Red Skull, I hope you are ready because Hollywooded Captain America is coming your way! **

**Either way, Issue 14 is out, enjoy! I am almost at Issue 40 ... and have been in a tiny bit of a rut when it comes down to drunk jokes for Grimlock ... I know there are people who like them but just as a fair warning, I don;t have that many in the 30's issues, of course I will try to remedy that somehow ...**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Arcee to the principal:<p>

"I have sent this fax a hundred times already and it still comes out on our end!"

* * *

><p>"Mommy! Am I a princess?"<p>

"No, Tracks, you are a dumbass."

* * *

><p>Back in high school. Alpha Trion:<p>

"All right, kids, today in science class we will be digging holes for the trees we will be planting. Everybody take a shovel …"

Mirage:

"Can I get a shovel with a power generator?"

"Where have you ever seen a shovel with a power generator?"

"Where have you seen a nobleman with a shovel?"

* * *

><p>Back in high school, Sentinel worked as a security guard. One day he saw Kup, drunk, in a garbage barrel. Sentinel:<p>

"Excuse me! This place is for garbage!"

Kup, trying to get up:

"Oh, sorry for taking your spot …"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy! A mouse fell in our milk!"

Tracks:

"Did you get it out of there?"

"No, we threw Ravage in there …"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy! Can we go swim in the lake?"

"Sure, just don't get wet."

* * *

><p>Back in university. Wheeljack and Warpath, hungry as hell, are walking down the street, and see on one of the balconies are hung strings of sausages. Wheeljack:<p>

"Hey, let's take those!"

"Yes!"

Both climb up onto the balcony and began taking the sausages when Sentinel walks by. Sentinel:

"What are you two doing?"

Wheeljack:

"Um, hanging Christmas decorations!"

"It's July! Christmas is in December!"

Wheeljack to Warpath:

"See? I told you it is in December!"

"Just take your decorations and go home!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Swindle's ad:<p>

"… will exchange a 40-year old wife for two 20 year olds. Do not tempt me with four 10-year olds …"

* * *

><p>Hound, Blitzwing and Tracks are flying in an airplane. Tracks takes his head out of the airplane, smells the air and says:<p>

"We are flying over France."

"How do you know?"

"I smell perfume."

After a while, Blitzwing takes his head out and smells the air:

"We are flying over Germany."

"How do you know?"

"I smell beer and sausages."

After a while, Hound takes his hand out and puts it back in:

"We are flying over Russia."

"How do you know?"

"The moment I put my hand out of the airplane, someone stole my watch."

* * *

><p>Optimus and Arcee are eating. Arcee is chewing very loudly, Optimus licks his spoon clean and hits her on the head with it. Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! What the hell?"

"Stop chewing so loudly!"

"All right."

After a few minutes Optimus again hits her with a spoon. Arcee:

"What the hell? I stopped!"

"I know but it is stuck in my head now."

* * *

><p>Optimus and Arcee are in bed. Optimus:<p>

"Is this warm?"

"Yes."

"How is this?"

"Warmer."

"How is this?"

"Optimus! Stop screwing around with the thermostat and let's cuddle!"

* * *

><p>Optimus comes to work, worried:<p>

"Hey, guys I am cheating on Arcee and I am really scared that I would say her name instead of Arcee's. Any ideas?"

Iron Hide:

"Get a cat, name it after your lover, this way, you will always have an excuse!"

"All right! Thanks!"

On the next day, Optimus comes to work, freaked out. Iron Hide:

"What happened?"

"She got a dog and named it after Hot Rod."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing, Tracks and Hot Rod are running away from Prowl. They saw a nearby barn and jumped in there. Blitzwing jumped into the pen with cats, Tracks jumped into the pen with dogs and Hot Rod jumped into a huge stack of potatoes. Prowl walks in, looks in the pen with kittens. Blitzwing:<p>

"Mrow, meow, mrow, purr, purr …"

"Hm, nobody here."

Prowl looks into the pen with dogs. Tracks:

"Arf, grrrrr, arf! Arf!"

"Hm, nobody here."

Prowl looks on the pile of potatoes. Hot Rod:

"Potato, potato, potato …"

* * *

><p>Back in university, Springer's first few encounters with Alpha Trion.<p>

Springer takes his lunch and sits near Alpha Trion. Alpha Trion:

"The eagle is not a friend to a pig."

"All right, I will fly over there then!"

A few hours later, Springer was taking an aptitude test. Alpha Trion:

"If you could know more or be rich, which one would you choose?"

"Rich."

"I would have chosen to know more."

"We all take in what we lack."

Alpha Trion got really pissed and on Springer's paper he wrote "Moron". Springer:

"Sir, you put down your name but you didn't give me the results."

* * *

><p>Back in medical school. Ratchet:<p>

"What did the autopsy say?"

The Professor:

"The autopsy says that the patient died from the autopsy."

* * *

><p>Onslaught:<p>

"Hey, Brawl, where were you all these weeks?"

"In anger management therapy."

"Where?"

"IN FUCKING ANGER MANAGEMENT THERAPY!"

* * *

><p>Red Alert:<p>

"Ratchet, does any of the medication you give me actually do any good?"

"But of course! I already bought my son a house! Almost done constructing my daughter's summer house too!"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The worst habit is the habit of getting bad habits."

* * *

><p>Scattershot, little:<p>

"Daddy! How much juice can I buy?"

Grimlock:

"Don't know! Grimlock no ask you how much vodka Grimlock can buy!"

* * *

><p>Optimus comes home drunk:<p>

"Man, if I make noise, Arcee is gonna wake up and beat the crap out of me. Come on! Think! What do I do? Oh! I know! I will pretend that I am reading a book and she won't yell at me! Ok, this looks like a book …"

Optimus grabs something off the floor, opens it up and pretends to read as he enters the bedroom. Arcee:

"Optimus, put down the suitcase and go to bed!"

* * *

><p>Drunk Grimlock and Kup found a whole barrel of paint and decided to sell it to someone to get more money for alcohol. They knock n Red Alert's door:<p>

"Hey! Red Alert! You need paint?"

"No."

Five minutes later:

"Hey! Red Alert! You need paint?"

"No."

Five minutes later:

"Hey! Red Alert! You need paint?"

"No!"

Five minutes later:

"Hey! Red Alert! You need paint?"

"No!"

This continued for a little while yet. Eventually:

"Hey! Red Alert! You need paint?"

"How much?"

"Um, 20 bucks!"

"Here."

"Thanks!"

Five minutes later:

"Hey! Red Alert! What do you need paint for?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"I hate it when Hot Rod says that he will live longer than me because I am old!"

Springer:

"What do you do?"

"I take out my gun, point it at him and ask 'are you sure?'"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"A fembot without a ring is like a grenade without a ring."

* * *

><p>Middle of the night. Rodimus, drunk:<p>

"PEOPLE!"

No reaction.

"PEOPLE!"

Nothing.

"PEOPLE!"

Prowl:

"What the hell do you want?"

Rodimus:

"What time is it?"

"It's 2 a.m.!"

"Then why aren't you sleeping?"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"I don't drink or smoke."

Prowl:

"Riiiiiiiiiight …"

"My cigarette fell in my sake!"

* * *

><p>Prowl to Grimlock:<p>

"Say no to alcohol!"

"To alcohol? Nooooooooo …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If anybody calls you on your house phone and asks you whether you are home, ask them where the caller is."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Hope you liked it! It is really weird to read those again, weird-good of course, it is very amusing actually, remembered some of the older jokes I put on this one.**

**I am actually curious to see if Hollywood will ever make a crossover between Transformers and Avengers, I mean it was in the comics ... you know what else was in the comics? Doctor Who and Transformers ... just imagine ... I don;t know about you but I think Hollywood has no ideas of its own anymore ...**


	15. Chapter 15

**Little Tragedies, Issue 15**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Issue 15 people!**

**Honestly, when I got to issue 10 I thought: hey, I had a good run but I guess this is pretty much the end of it ... **

**but it wasn't! Yay! I am already in the 40's! Muahahaha! So beware of more horrible jokes coming your way! **

**In other news, Captain America was not that bad, the second half was a tad bit slow though ... but it had its moments, I am debating whether it is a movie I would recommend because ... well ... they have a good thing going there with the whole thing where he is noble and honorable and all that stuff ... the highlight would have to be when the professor guy was going drinking with Steve, that scene was hilarious!**

**Can I have a pony?**

**You look positively nice today.**

**Ever tried The Hamster Dance?**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>In a park, Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy! We want to pee!"

"Oh, dear, be quiet! There are people around! Ok, let's go; but next time instead of 'pee', use 'whistle', ok?"

"Ok."

Back in the house, middle of the night, Rumble and Frenzy come to Soundwave:

"Daddy, we want to whistle."

"Go to sleep!"

"… but daddy!"

"Fine; but quietly in my ear."

* * *

><p>A burglar gets into Soundwave's house and he begins taking stuff.<p>

"Ravage sees everything!"

"Huh?"

"Ravage sees everything!"

The burglar sees the source of the noise; it is a bird:

"Who the hell named you Ravage?"

"I am Lazerbeak, Ravage is the cat about to rip your face off."

* * *

><p>Tracks to Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"One day a good fairy came to me and proposed to give me either a photographic memory or to become very handsome."

"So which one did you pick, mommy?"

"I don't remember."

* * *

><p>Soundwave, angrily to Flipsides, who came home the next morning after a party:<p>

"Inquiry: what the hell is this?"

"I don't know but it is my hobby now."

* * *

><p>Swindle to Shockwave:<p>

"The other day I accidentally tripped over my son's school bag and found there a bag of cocaine! Can you imagine that? He is ten years old and is already stealing from me!"

* * *

><p>Swindle's son:<p>

"Rumble, Frenzy, daddy told me to never go around the shady alleys and dark streets. He said that you can see things!"

"Like what?"

"I don't know so I went to check it out."

"And what did you see?"

"My dad."

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Arcee, using the home speaker system:<p>

"Optimus, are you home?"

"No, I am on Cybertron."

"All right, just tell me when you are back."

* * *

><p>Tracks comes to a pharmacy on Saint Valentines. Tracks:<p>

"Hello!"

Hoist:

"No more!"

* * *

><p>A sexual maniac runs into the recroom and screams:<p>

"I will rape everyone!"

Hot Rod, trying to be a hero:

"Leave the fembots out of this, you monster!"

Arcee:

"Hey! He said everyone!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Hey, Arcee, you wanna go look at the stars?"

"That's it, I am not going to look at any stars without condoms!"

* * *

><p>Back in high school, Tracks is out on a date with Red Alert in a park, at evening. Red Alert:<p>

"Oh, I remember I was here a year ago. My boyfriend said that he wanted to kiss me, I freaked out and fainted!"

Tracks begins laughing his ass off. Red Alert:

"Why are you laughing?"

"I just imagined what you would do if you knew what I wanted to do to you."

* * *

><p>Tracks runs into the recroom:<p>

"Guys! I got filmed in a porno!"

"Oh, man, dude; that's disgusting!"

"No, no! I played the good guy!"

* * *

><p>Optimus's son:<p>

"My mommy told me to never watch porn."

Bumblebee:

"Why not?

"She said I can see some nasty things."

"Like what?"

"I don't know so I went to check it out."

"And?"

"I saw my mother …"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"The hardest job I do in the morning."

Kup:

"What is it?"

"I get out of bed."

* * *

><p>Prowl bangs on Swindle's door:<p>

"Open up!"

"Who is there?"

"Police!"

"I am not home!"

"Oh, yeah? Than what's with the voice?"

"Um, Z 103.5 …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Technobots:<p>

"Daddy, if vodka gets more expensive, will you drink less?"

"No, you will eat less."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"You can't cure amnesia but you can forget you ever had it!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"A drop of nicotine kills a horse, a cup of coffee kills a keyboard."

* * *

><p>Kup, Drunk:<p>

"Three stages of growth of a boy: he believes in Santa Claus, he doesn't believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus."

* * *

><p>Prowl to drunk Grimlock:<p>

"Ok, you think you are better than me? How about this, I ask you a question and if you do not get it, I give you 100 dollars because I make a lot more money than you. Then you ask me a question and if I don't get it, you give me 10 dollars because you barely make any money what so ever."

"Ok."

"Because I am obviously the smarter one, I will let you ask the first question."

"Right, ok. What has four legs and is red climbing on a mountain and when it comes down, it has 6 legs and is purple?"

"Hm, just give me a minute."

After a few days. Prowl:

"Ok, you win, here is 100 dollars. What is it? I don't know!"

"Me neither; here is your 10."

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, comes to a bank:<p>

"Can Grimlock borrow 100 dollars?"

"Sir! We are a very prestigious bank! We can lend you more than that!"

"No, no, Grimlock just need 100 dollars."

"Well, all right, now, what will you give us as a security deposit?"

"Here are keys to Grimlock's limo."

"Sir? A Mercedes?"

"Yes, take."

"Hm, all right. Just remember, there is a 3.5 % interest rate."

A year later. Grimlock:

"Ok, here 103.5 dollars, give Grimlock Mercedes."

"All right, here are your keys."

The banker knows that something is not right so he asks Grimlock:

"Sir, I am just wondering, why would you give us your car as a security deposit?"

"Where else will Grimlock get parking for just 3.5 dollars for a year?"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Hope you enjoyed! **

**How many of you can say that you are in regular interaction with your Dean? I am somewhat in that, she is a very nice person! Would be epic if we formed some sort of a group, kinda like Community but ... different ...**

**In any case, nursing class in about 15 minutes and I have no clue what the hell I should do for it, I know we got 2 minute presentations but thats in groups ... I have made a resolve to devote a lot more of my time to studies and at least 1 hour to running on that infernal, Unicron conceived horror that a treadmill is that mom bought and, as I predicted, nobody uses it. I am unsure as to how this will affect my fanfiction writing, I know it will in the negative way ... but I will pull through!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


	16. Chapter 16

_**Little Tragedies, Issue 16**_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Issue 16 people!**

**Well, I don't really know what to say in this section, would probably be a good idea to read this thing first ...**

**I will have one or two religious jokes here and there, I will try to remake them as much as possible but some will be required for transformer-human relationships jokes.**

**Then, let's see ... oh! Just finished watching Super 8! To be honest ... that was kind of a boring movie ... any highlights ... nah not really ... it was quite cheesy and everything.**

**There will be one role that will never be identified by any specific character in the whole G1 or TFA series - The Professor.**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Megatron at a party:<p>

"So, Mayor Straxus, do you happen to play any musical instruments?"

"No but I play piano."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Soundwave saw Tracks and Soundwave go to bed and they overhear this conversation. Tracks:<p>

"I want another one!"

"I want a girl!"

"Fine, fine! I will give you a girl! Just hurry up!"

Rumble and Frenzy, run into the room:

"We want a truck, first season of Transkloners on DVD and new bikes!"

* * *

><p>Swindle's son is crossing the border. Sentinel:<p>

"Um, little boy, what is this in your bag?"

"Oh, that's just heroin."

"Wait, isn't heroin white? This is orange!"

"Yes; this is heroin for kids, now with the taste of oranges!"

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"I love taking walks in the middle of the night in parks!"

Tracks:

"Really? Are you a romantic?"

"I am a sexual maniac."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing is riding on a motorcycle on a road in the middle of nowhere. A voice:<p>

"Stop!"

Blitzwing stopped.

"Dig!"

After a while of digging, the triplechanger found a huge bag of gold.

"Now, keep on riding."

After a while:

"Stop."

Blitzwing stopped.

"Throw the bag in the lake."

"Oh! Maybe I will get ten more bags of gold!"

So Blitzwing threw the bag in the lake. Voice:

"Did ya hear the splash? Wasn't that awesome?"

* * *

><p>Starscream comes home and his girlfriend begins screaming at him:<p>

"I am leaving you!"

"What? Why?"

"You are a pedophile!"

"Hey! That's not appropriate language for a ten year-old!"

* * *

><p>Thundercracker and Starscream went to the movies in the evening. Thundercracker:<p>

"I want you! I want you now!"

"There are people around! What if they see?"

"They don't give a crap! Here, I will ask them for some gum; you will see, nobody will react!"

He does it and just like the seeker said, no reaction what so ever.

"Hm, all right."

On the other side of the movie theatre, Warpath, drunk, taking out a bottle of vodka:

"Oh, crap! We forgot the glasses! Maybe we should ask someone?"

Wheeljack, drunk:

"No! Don't! Didn't you hear? Someone just asked for some gum and he is getting screwed up his ass!"

* * *

><p>Flipsides is playing in the sandbox. Sentinel:<p>

"Hey, little girl, can you give me your shovel?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Want me to spank you on the aft?"

"Want me to shove the shovel up your aft?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Hot Rod and Ultra Magnus for the first time in bed. Hot Rod:<p>

"OW!"

"Hot Rod! You are a man! Man up!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Hey, Ratchet, what happens with Cybertronian syphilis?"

"Your thing gets red and itches."

"Oh, thank The Matrix!"

"What?"

"Mine got black and fell off."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Hey, Arcee, what would you like for Valentines?"

Arcee:

"Hm, how about those chocolates "Rafaello' for each time we had sex?"

"All right."

In a store:

"All right, could you give me ten 'Rafaello' chocolates? Um, never mind that; give me two Rafaello's, a mentos, a pixie stick, a Rollo and five sour keys."

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Springer! Do you like wet fembots?"

"Sir, no, sir!"

"Do you like warm alcoholic beverages?"

"Sir, no, sir!"

"In that case your next vacation is in December."

* * *

><p>Hound comes up to a priest:<p>

"Excuse me, would you mind telling me your opinion on 'The Relations between the Catholic and the Orthodox Churches Throughout History' written by Johanus Clairman in 1812 in Paris during the Napoleonic Wars?"

Priest:

"GO GET A BONDMATE!"

* * *

><p>"Mommy! What are you most afraid of?"<p>

Red Alert:

"I am most afraid of the darkness and doctors."

"Doctors I understand but why the darkness?"

"Who knows how many Ratchets are out there …"

* * *

><p>Prowl stopped at a hotel. After a while, his room telephone rings. Prowl:<p>

"Hello?"

"Hee hee hee, excuse me, is this room 4?"

"Yes."

"Holy crap! Thaz just freakin' amazing! Hee hee hee! Bye!"

"Wait, what?"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school. Ratchet:<p>

"Professor! Our patient is dying!"

"And what do you expect me to do?"

"Help him!"

"Fine! Here, give him some Aspirin."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"A little to the left, now just a wee bit to the right- no, no, don't be so fast! Gently...yes now spread them a little more, oh, yes, I am getting something, try … oh freaking hell! Optimus! Let me handle the TV antenna!"

* * *

><p>Arcee came to Ratchet for a dentist appointment. Her mouth is open wide, she can't talk and Ratchet is very busy in there. Suddenly, her telephone begins to ring; one minute, two minutes, ten minutes. Ratchet, picking up the phone:<p>

"Hello? Who is this?"

"This is Optimus! Where is Arcee?"

"Oh, don't worry, I will finish, she'll spit and call you back …"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Hey, Tracks! How was your vacation? Where did you go?"

"I went to the nudist beach!"

"Really? Then why do you have white circles around your eyes?"

"Binoculars …"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"Optimus! How did you manage to get that Ick-Yak?"

"Simple. Dinner, chocolates, flowers and a lot of alcohol."

* * *

><p>Morning. Arcee, after drunk sex:<p>

"Sweetie, why did you call me Starscream yesterday?"

"Can you imagine, I thought I was Megatron!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee is pregnant!"

Iron Hide:

"So who is the father?"

"Wait, what the hell? That's just in appropriate!"

"Oh, sorry, I thought you knew."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee is pregnant!"

Ultra Magnus:

"So, who are you suspecting?"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school. The Professor to Ratchet:<p>

"The operation went well."

"Really?"

"Too bad the patient won't know about it."

* * *

><p>Perceptor comes home drunk. Sunstreaker and Sideswipe:<p>

"Perceptor! Where have you been?"

"I was playing chess with Wheeljack."

"Then why do you reek of alcohol?"

"What, am I supposed to reek of chess?"

* * *

><p>Perceptor was helping out Ratchet with surveys:<p>

"All right, are you straight or homosexual?"

Warpath:

"What?"

"Are you a sexual minority or sexual majority?"

"I am a sexual loner …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first operations. The Professor:<p>

"Scalpel, tweezers, scalpel, coloring solution, scalpel, a cup, a bag of tea, boiling water, sugar …"

Ratchet:

"What about the patient?"

"Don't worry, he will get it himself …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Prowl decided to learn about the religions of Earth:<p>

"So, this Jesus, where does he live?"

Priest 1:

"In Heaven!"

Priest 2:

"In our hearts!"

Grimlock, drunk:

"In Optimus' washroom."

"WHAT?"

"Every morning Grimlock wake up from Arcee screaming 'Jesus Christ! Are you still in the washroom?'!"

* * *

><p>Prowl, on patrol in Russia, sees a sign on one of the doors:<p>

"Sauna; changing room is on the other side of the street."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing, back in his policeman days, drunk. A phone rings. Blitzwing:<p>

"Police."

"I just killed my husband!"

Blitzwing, after a few seconds:

"Da hell do I have to do with any of dis shit?"

* * *

><p>Prowl, on patrol in Russia, sees a sign on one of the doors:<p>

"The washroom is closed for lunch."

* * *

><p>Prowl, on patrol in Russia, sees a sign on one of the doors:<p>

"Kids, we cannot legally sell you alcohol, ask your seniors to do it for you."

* * *

><p>Kup and Grimlock, drunk, waking up. Grimlock:<p>

"What date is it?"

"I think it's Wednesday …"

"Oh! Spring will come soon!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, tipsy, comes to a bar:<p>

"Hey! You got any alcohol?"

"Yes, we have alcohol but it is in drinks."

"Um, just give me some!"

"Well, what do you want?"

"Alcohol!"

"Sir, you will need to order a drink!"

"A glass of alcohol!"

"We don't serve alcohol!"

"HOW THE HELL IS GRIMLOCK SUPPOSED TO GET DRUNK?"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, tipsy, and his son are taking a walk on the beach when his son finds a bottle, rubs it and a genie comes out:<p>

"I will grant you three wishes!"

"All right! I want some ice-cream. Then could you give me a petro rabbit?"

Rodimus:

"Petro rabbit my aft …"

* * *

><p>A fancy hotel is lit up on fire, everybody is screaming:<p>

"Water! Water!"

Grimlock, drunk, walks out of the burning building

"AND VODKA FOR ROOM 42!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, urinates in the middle of a park and sees Arcee, smoking. Grimlock:<p>

"Arcee! In a public place? Really? There are little kids around here!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Real happiness is when you do not have to lie that you are happy."

* * *

><p>At a party, Rodimus is drinking vodka straight from the bottle. Springer:<p>

"Hey, Rodimus! Care to share?"

"Sure! Here!"

"What the hell is this? Dude! This is water!"

"This is water? What the hell have I been drinking then?"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, sits in his apartment. A knock on the door. Grimlock:<p>

"Who's there?"

"Me!"

"Me? Really?"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Well, hope you enjoyed it! I apologize for the lateness, college work keeps on getting in the way, you know I DO have to make it my priority after all ...**

**I have came up with 3-4 series of fanfics, the beginning parts of them should be posted by the end of this year I hope. Oh! And happy upcoming Thanksgiving?**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Little Tragedies, ****Issue ****17  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Because on Monday it will be a very special day tomorrow, I decided to make this week a double-issue week! Enjoy your Thanksgiving with more weird jokes about Transformers! That's the least I could do!**

**Midterms should be coming up, good luck everyone! DO not slack off, trust me, it never works, a friend of mine had to repeat a year because he slacked off and now he is more sorry about it than First Aid for swatting a fly.**

**Watched G. the movie ... they had ... ice ... that sunk ... in water ... ice ... sinking ... in water ... I believe I do not have to say anything else ...**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Warpath:<p>

"Waiter! There is a fly in my soup!"

Bumblebee:

"Don't worry! The spider on the bread will catch it."

* * *

><p>Kup, teaching Rumble and Frenzy about workshop safety:<p>

"… one of the most important things, never put your fingers in powersockets!"

"But our fingers are too big!"

"Use nails then!"

* * *

><p>Thundercracker, drunk, is eating sunflower seeds. One of them falls to the ground. Thundercracker:<p>

"Come to me at once!"

After a while:

"I command you to come to me!"

A little while later, he grabs a handful of sunflower seeds and throws them at the one on the ground:

"Bring it to me!"

* * *

><p>Shockblast:<p>

"Dad, I am having problems in school …"

"In that case, do your homework on time, behave yourself, be considerate …"

"I don't think that it will help."

"Why not?"

"My teacher, Arcee, whispered to me that she didn't have sex for four weeks …"

* * *

><p>Shockblast's mom:<p>

"Shockblast! Why don't you practice your piano and later I will buy you some ice-cream?"

"Not gonna happen."

"Why not?"

"Dad gave me two just not to play …"

* * *

><p>Back in elementary school. Wheeljack's mom:<p>

"… ah, my son is a genius! He has so many great ideas!"

Teacher:

"Yeah, especially in Workshop class …"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"What do you like best about school?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"The bell."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Tracks! You gave me some apple juice instead of your urine sample!"

"What the hell did I give to Flipsides?"

* * *

><p>Jetfire and Jetstorm decide to try out a school exam. Arcee:<p>

"Do you know Leonardus Da Vincius?"

"No."

"Do you know Mendeleev Prime?"

"No."

"Do you know Alberteinstein?"

"No."

Arcee failed them. Later that day, Rumble and Frenzy:

"So, how was the exam?"

"We no know anyone! People lots you need to know to pass!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Smokescreen! Every time I go on a date with anyone it always ends up in bed! I feel so stupid and such a whore!"

"All right, I will hypnotize you and program you to not do that …"

"Are you kidding me? Make me stop feeling stupid and like a whore!"

* * *

><p>Two priests in Russia are standing on a road and hold up a sign:<p>

"In the name of God, turn away to save your soul!"

Prowl, on patrol, was passing by, saw the sign and as he drove by, he yelled:

"Ha! Crazies!"

A few minutes later, the priests heard screams and a loud splashing noise:

"Maybe we should have written that the bridge is broken …"

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Springer! Why are you late?"

"You won't believe me!"

"Of course I won't! So why are you late?"

"I am late because I am lazy …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"All right, Hot Rod, one last bunch of test before you go to the army. I will need a sample of your sperm, here is a cup, close it when you are done and bring it back to me by tomorrow evening."

"All right."

On the next day. Hot Rod:

"Ratchet! I couldn't do it! I tried doing it with my right, then my left, then Elita One came over and tried helping me out! Used her hands and her mouth! Then Arcee came over and tried helping me and no results!"

"What? Are you kidding me?"

"Yes! We couldn't open the damn cup!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Son, the smart people are never sure about anything while morons are absolutely sure."

"Are you absolutely sure?"

"Yes!"

* * *

><p>Huffer, over the phone:<p>

"Excuse me, is this Swindle's Kind Favors?"

"Yeah, the fuck do you want?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"How can you say that I am stupid? I am smarter than Huffer!"

Prowl:

"All right, here is a question: what are the chances you will meet a real dinosaur next time you will be walking down the hall?"

Huffer:

"Astronomical!"

Arcee:

"50-50!"

Prowl:

"How?"

"I will either meet it or I won't!"

* * *

><p>On an airplane. Huffer to Red Alert:<p>

"You know, the first time I biked, I was nearly killed by a train and my bike was completely squished. Then I rode on a car and it exploded a few minutes after I sat on it. Then I tried boating to places, the boat was viciously attacked by Decepticons, sunk and exploded. This is my first time on an airplane …"

Red Alert, scared shitless, is about to faint. Stewardess:

"Dear passengers of Thundercracker and Skywarp Inc, one of the plane's main engines just broke and we are about to crash in the ocean full of Ick-Yacks, you will be given a Life Jacket and a whistle to scare away Ick-Yacks."

Huffer:

"Oh, great, now we will get Life Jackets with holes in them or the Ick-Yacks will be deaf …"

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Springer! Why are you late again?"

"I am sorry! I overslept!"

"YOU SLEEP AT HOME TOO?"

* * *

><p>There was an assassination attempt at Rodimus Prime, someone put a Rubik's cube on his desk …<p>

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"Thanks to computerization of the USA voting system, hackers around the world were able to vote."

* * *

><p>The Decepticons threw an anti-matter bomb at The Autobots, 12 million casualties. The Autobots threw Wheeljack's inventions at The Decepticons, 100 000 000 million casualties and rising.<p>

* * *

><p>Back in elementary school. Brawl's mom:<p>

"Brawl! Brawl!"

"What?"

"What are you doing?"

"Blowing up the school!"

"All right, just don't smoke or drink!"

* * *

><p>Shockblast comes home with a very sad look on his face:<p>

"Mom, dad, I don't think you should look at my report card …"

The mother begins having a heart attack, the dad grabs a belt. Both are frozen in place. Shockblast's dad:

"All 100 percent! I am not spanking you today!"

"Yeah, I was afraid of that …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod, in bed with Ultra Magnus, whining:<p>

"We got homosexuals in our ranks!"

"Uh-huh …"

"Someone stole my make-up again!"

* * *

><p>Prowl comes back home after the first few years of The Great War. All is good, his parents gave him lots of delicious food and then he notices that there are three beautiful fembots walking down the street. Prowl's mom to his dad:<p>

"See? Now, after the army, he looks at fembots! Isn't it great?"

Finally, the fembots walked off somewhere. Prowl:

"Yes, they definitely weren't marching …"

* * *

><p>Perceptor saw Wheeljack constructing a barrel so he decided to make a joke:<p>

"Hey, Wheeljack, is that barrel radioactive?"

"Not really …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first surgeries. The Professor:<p>

"Ratchet, is the patient ready?"

"Yes."

"All right!"

Patient:

"Are you sure it will work?"

The Professor:

"Hey, this is my 14 234 918 surgery! One of them is bound to be successful some day!"

* * *

><p>Back in university, history exams. The Professor:<p>

"Smokescreen! A psychologist, eh?"

"Yes."

"All right, when did The Great War begin?"

"A few years ago."

"Good! Pass! Next! Wheeljack! An engineer! All right, when did The Great War begin?"

"A few years ago."

"What are the names of the two opposing factions?"

"The Autobots and The Decepticons."

"Good! Pass! Next! Perceptor! Theoretical physics! Wow, very smart! All right, when did The Great War begin?"

"A few years ago."

"Opposing factions?"

"Autobots and Decepticons."

"List all casualties …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Kup comes back home and sees Grimlock eating frozen tacos on one of his lamps. Kup:<p>

"Grimlock! You should cook them first! And get off my lamp! How the hell does it hold your weight?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"I AM NOT DRUNK!"

* * *

><p>Prowl is on patrol and after a while of driving he sees Grimlock, drunk, snapping his fingers and a bottle of vodka appearing right in front of him. Prowl was curious as to what was going on so he stopped and spied on the dinobot. After a short while, Grimlock again snapped his fingers and another bottle appeared before him. Prowl:<p>

"Grimlock! How do you do that?"

"Grimlock have genie!"

"How about you give him to me?"

"Why? Girmlock need genie!"

"How about this, I give you keys to my quarters, my bank account information where I have a few billion dollars saved up and my apartment on Cybertron."

"Hm, ok!"

Prowl took the genie bottle and after a while of driving, he summoned the genie:

"First of all, I wish for lots and lots of money, cash, then I wish for Jazz to be mine forever, then …"

"Whoa, dude, stop, I have very narrow specializations."

"What?"

"Wine, beer and vodka."

* * *

><p>Grimlock, Scrapper and Wheeljack are arguing about construction. Scrapper:<p>

"We can build a building in just a month. It will be totally useable!"

Wheeljack:

"I can build a robot to build a building and in a few weeks it would be totally useable!"

Grimlock, drunk:

"What time is it?"

"11 a.m."

"Ha! We began building a brewery at 9 and already were drunk by 10!"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack, drunk:<p>

"What if I make Viagra bombs and throw them at Decepticons?"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, comes over to Tracks' place. Upon looking around, he sees that it is a palace. Tracks:<p>

"… and here we have the kitchen, here is one of the four bedrooms …"

Grimlock looks around:

"Grimlock have same thing just without walls and smaller!"

* * *

><p>Shockwave at some point decided to try to negotiate a treaty between the two factions. Shockwave's diary:<p>

Day 1 – got drunk with The Autobot leaders, almost died …

Day 2 – hungover, I wish I died …

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, to a group of new recruits:<p>

"Inspection! Raise your right leg!"

Everybody raised their right leg but one by mistake raised their left. Rodimus, noticing a double space:

"Who lifted both of their feet up?"

* * *

><p>Kup, Prowl and Blaster come back from a dangerous mission from Charr. Rodimus:<p>

"I am sorry that you didn't get any medals or honors but instead I will compensate you with money."

"All right."

"Sure."

"Okay."

"Here is what I am going to do, I will give you 1 dollar for each millimeter between two points on your body that you tell us."

Prowl:

"From head to toe."

"Ok, here is your money."

Blaster, raising his hands:

"From toe to tip of fingers."

"Ok, here is your money."

Kup, drunk:

"From my knee to my hip joint."

"Hold on, where is your hip joint?"

"Back on Charr."

* * *

><p>Red Alert, back in his recruit days. Red Alert:<p>

"What do we do if we step on a mine?"

Kup, drunk:

"You fly up a good hundred meters or so and you cover as big of an area as you can with your leftovers …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk is urinating in a public place. Prowl:<p>

"Can't you do this somewhere else?"

"Hey! Grimlock don't exactly have a fire hose down there!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, over the phone:<p>

"Excuse me, is this 902 745 1981?"

"Yeah."

"Then why the hell did you pick up?"

* * *

><p>Kup, Grimlock, Springer and Hot Rod got drunk. Kup:<p>

"Ok, let's go ask Prowl to give us a ride home but to make sure that he doesn't suspect us of getting drunk, we must be very serious and very quiet!"

They sit in Prowl's car. Prowl:

"You guys are drunk."

"What? How can you tell?"

"All four of you are sitting on the front seat …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, standing in front of a mirror:<p>

"Grimlock here and there!"

A knock on the door. Grimlock:

"Who is there?"

"Me."

"Grimlock there too!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Well, hope you enjoyed it!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**

**And you guys, 1 - don't forget to leave a review, 2 - begin watching Community, 3 - do NOT watch G. the movie, 4 - Ninja Assassin sucked, 5 - yes it did and you know it, 6 - have a Happy Thanksgiving!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Little Tragedies, Issue 18**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

** Well, issue 18! Hope you enjoy it!**

**This is the second part to the double-issue for this Thanksgiving week, with the midterms coming along with other things I was hoping to put some smiles on those beautiful faces I have never seen before but probably dreamed of back when I was a little kid and nightmares ravaged my mind like all Decepticon Combiner teams would rape First Aid over and over again.**

**In any case, enjoy! **

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Soundwave:<p>

"Tracks, just like you asked, I talked to Flipsides about sex and other things."

"Well?"

"I am very eager to try the things she told me about …"

* * *

><p>Back when Soundwave's company was becoming huge. Ultra Magnus:<p>

"Oh, I remember when I first began getting the money, I couldn't sleep for a while! I was very concerned about it!"

"I slept like a baby."

"How is that?"

"Woke up five times, peed myself, went to the potty and cried a lot …"

* * *

><p>Tracks is punishing Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"… you guys are so mischievous! And naughty! And why are you two always covered in dirt? You two are piglets! Do you know what a piglet is?"

"Yes, a piglet is a baby of a pig …"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Daddy, should we worry about the economical crisis?"

"Negative, we are rich; we will pull through."

Meanwhile. Shockblast:

"Daddy, should we worry about the economical crisis?"

"No, let the rich worry about it. We, son, are screwed …"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack, Megatron and Prowl end up in hell. The Devil says that he will give them a chance to go to Heaven if they will take three hits from his whip without screaming. He will give them one item to defend themselves with.<p>

Megatron goes first, he asks for a shield, The Devil takes out his whip. Whips once, the shield breaks, whips twice, he screams and goes to hell.

Then Prowl goes:

"Give me a few minutes, I need to fall into nirvana."

"All right."

A few minutes later, The Devil whips Prowl, once, twice, three times, he doesn't even flinch.

"Now, Wheeljack, what will you defend yourself with?"

"With Prowl."

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>On an airplane. Thundercracker to a stewardess:<p>

"Bring me scotch, you dumb slut!"

The stewardess brings him scotch. After a while, Thundercracker:

"Bring me another scotch, you stupid hoe!"

The stewardess brings him scotch again. Seeing all this, Hot Rod decides to try it out:

"Bring me beer, you whore bag!"

The stewardess finally gets annoyed, reports this to the captain and it is decided to throw both Thundercracker and Hot Rod out of the plane. As they are throwing the two out, Thundercracker to Hot Rod:

"You are rather mouthy for someone who can't fly …"

* * *

><p>Door bell. Arcee opens the door and sees Perceptor, Ratchet and Wheeljack in gasmasks and in full hazmat suits. Ratchet:<p>

"Arcee, was it you who submitted a stool sample yesterday?"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"So, Arcee, did those pills I prescribed Optimus work?"

"Yeah, I sneaked them into his salad and a few seconds later he threw himself at me and we did it right there on the table!"

"Any problems?"

"Yes, we are banned from the restaurant …"

* * *

><p>Prowl goes on a patrol and sees a phrase written on a building:<p>

"Masturbation prevents you from growing up. Huffer."

Prowl transforms and is taking pictures as evidence when he notices another phrase written way higher:

"Negative. Omega Supreme."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Do you drink?"

Warpath:

"Yes!"

"Do you smoke?"

"Yes!"

"So what the hell do you want from me?"

"Sex!"

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"I have visited Russia. Some things were amusing, some were shocking, some were stolen from me."

* * *

><p>Tracks, breaking up with Hot Rod:<p>

"… you see, love, you are a very great person but awfully pregnant …"

* * *

><p>Because Hot Rod and Arcee were going out, eventually it was time to meet her parents so one day they invite him over for dinner, everything is set up. Hot Rod, suddenly noticed that he had too much gas and was very scared that he would not be able to hold it in. At some point, a dog walked in and lied down under the table. Hot Rod, thinking that it would all be blamed on the dog, decides to fart and so he does very loudly.<p>

Arcee's dad:

"Dog!"

Seeing that his plan was working, he continued farting. Arcee's dad:

"DOG!"

After one final release of gasses, Hot Rod finally felt much better. Arcee's dad:

"Dog! Get out from under the table! He will fart you to death!"

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus:<p>

"Springer! Why are you late this time?"

"I had dinner with Perceptor to celebrate his victory in the chess tournament!"

"And?"

"I asked him to pass me the salt."

"Um, explain?"

"The tablecloth was covered in squares …"

* * *

><p>Rodimus noticed that Springer didn't cover his patrol grounds the way he should have and that he randomly picked up things and kept saying:<p>

"No, that's not it."

So the commander decided to take him to Smokescreen. The psychiatrist diagnosed Springer with a mental disorder and Rodimus wrote him out of the army. Springer, smiling:

"Yup, that's it!"

* * *

><p>On a dusty road there lied a watch. Nosecone, walking by:<p>

"Oh! A watch! Dusty!"

He took the watch, wiped the dust off, put it back where he found it and went about his business.

Perceptor:

"Oh! A watch! Let's see!"

He takes out his tools, fixes the time and puts them back where he found them.

Swindle:

"Oh! Watch! Mine!"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, gathered all his personnel:<p>

"I would like to say that 'Random Crap' doesn't describe all of what we do around here …"

* * *

><p>Sunstreaker:<p>

"One painting is worth a thousand words!"

Grimlock, drunk:

"… so is a smack in the face …"

* * *

><p>Thundercracker and Skywarp are taking a walk near a lake, both in a horrible mood, they see Hot Rod fishing. Skywarp:<p>

"Hey! I got an idea! How about we go there and ask him if he is fishing. If he says yes, then we beat him up for 'taking our spot'; if he says no, then we will scare away all the fish!"

"All right."

They come up to Hot Rod. Skywarp:

"Are you fishing here?"

Hot Rod, drunk:

"Go fuck yourselves!"

Thundercracker:

"That's always an option …"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Police! Open up!"

Hot Rod, drunk:

"Why the hell would you lock yourself up in there?"

* * *

><p>Optimus, with a weak voice:<p>

"… I am dying, at the very least, bring me a glass of water …"

Ultra Magnus:

"Prime! Everybody is dying from the hangover! Go get it yourself!"

* * *

><p>Blitzwing back in his policeman days. Blitzwing stops a car. Blitzwing:<p>

"You are drunk!"

Warpath:

"No, I am not! BLAHIC!"

"Breathe here. Damn! Very high alcohol content! 500 dollar ticket!"

After a while, Blitzwing stops another car:

"You are drunk!"

Hot Rod:

"No, I am not!"

"Breathe here. Damn! Extremely high alcohol content! 800 dollar ticket!"

After a while, Blitzwing stops another car:

"You are drunk!"

Ultra Magnus:

"No."

"Breathe here."

"It's a condom."

"Oh! You really aren't drunk!"

* * *

><p>Prowl, Hot Rod and Grimlock are sitting in Prowl's office. Hot Rod:<p>

"Someone destroyed my car!"

Prowl:

"Yes, I heard the siren …"

Grimlock, drunk:

"The siren didn't go off because the car was destroyed, the car was destroyed because of the siren …"

* * *

><p>Perceptor, drunk:<p>

"On a survey we recently conducted over the internet on the question 'Do you use internet?', 100 percent of the users said 'Yes'."

* * *

><p>Training session, Springer:<p>

"Rodimus, sir! We ran out of ammunition!"

Rodimus, drunk:

"Completely?"

"Completely."

"All right, stop shooting then."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"To figure out who is the leader in a newly encountered group of individuals, find out who has control over air conditioning."

* * *

><p>Rodimus, hungover, freaking out:<p>

"Holy freaking Matrix! Yesterday was Friday, today is Saturday, what the hell is today?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Female friendship happens when a woman goes out and tells her husband that she will be over at her bestie's house. The husband calls every one of her friends and they all say that she is not over at their place. Male friendship happens when a guy goes out and tells his wife that he will be over at his friend's house. The wife calls all of his friends, half of them say that he was over and the other half says that he is still over at their place."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk, to a bunch of recruits:<p>

"What is the main objective of a soldier?"

"To die for our home!"

"Wrong! To have your enemies die for their homeland!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, driving a car, Prowl stops him:<p>

"Hey!"

"Prowl! Guess what?"

"What?"

"Me with the guys ate like 30 kegs of vodka and drank 50 kegs of beer!"

"SAY WHAT? Breathe here!"

"What? You don't believe me?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk, wakes up in a backyard of some church. Groaning, he pulls up a data pad and begins reading. A priest came out and was so stumped to see a transformer, he froze in place. Kup:<p>

"Hey, do you know how people get arthritis?"

"By going off their righteous path and forgetting the true teachings!"

After a few seconds, the priest gets ashamed for what he said and carefully asked:

"I am sorry for your arthritis …"

"Oh, I am not the one who has it. The news said that the Pope does!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Well, there you have it! A double issue that is not posted on Monday or Tuesday but on Sunday! How does THAT make you feel, ?**

**I hope you all have a great time even if you are depressed or worse, I know how bad it can get so I hope you feel better at least for that one day!**

**You kids who go to school ... PARTY! WEEEEEE! or you know ... party on Sunday so that you can sleep in on Monday ... WOO HOO!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


	19. Chapter 19

**Little Tragedies, Issue 19  
><strong>

**Well, kids, issue 19 is out! How is everybody feeling? Great? Well I cant hear you anyway but please do feel welcome to talk to the monitor about anything, even your sexual fantasies with Transformers, come on, we all know everybody has them.**

**In any case, I apologize for a late posting, I randomly found out that 45% o my overall mark in a course was going to be decided in a single day. At around 7 p.m. yesterday I found out that I had a paper to write for today, 25% of my mark and today 2 minutes after I got the Scantron card along with a bunch of papers stapled to one another, I finally go the hint - I am having a midterm, 20% of my overall course mark. Yeah, fun times, eh?**

**Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)**

* * *

><p>Sex. Ed. class, Arcee:<p>

"… there are three positions in sex …"

Flipsides:

"One hundred!"

"Shhh! In any case, there are three …"

"One hundred!"

"Flipsides! Out in the hall, now! All right, there are three main positions in sex, male on top, male on bottom and male on the side …"

Flipsides, from the hall:

"Sorry! One hundred and three!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave comes home and sees Tracks crying. Soundwave:<p>

"Inquiry: Tracks! What is wrong?"

"I made you a cake; I left it on the table to cool off and Ravage ate it all!"

"Don't worry, we can always buy a new pet …"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack, drunk:<p>

"Every good software engineer knows that in one ton there are 1024 kilograms …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet and Wheeljack are talking. Wheeljack, drunk:<p>

"… you know what Perceptor wanted to name his kids?"

"What?"

"Typical software engineer! New Kid 1 and New Kid 2!"

* * *

><p>Back when Mirage was a noble, his conversation with Tracks. Mirage:<p>

"Allow me to say …"

"I disallow you to say."

"Pardon me, allow me to disallow you to disallow me!"

"I do not pardon you and I allow myself to disallow you!"

"Well, excuse me but I allow myself to allow me to disallow you to disallow me!"

"I do not excuse you because I disallow myself to allow you to allow yourself to disallow me allowing you!"

After a few seconds of silence. Mirage:

"So, wanna go spend money on random crap?"

"Hell yeah!"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy at a toy store:<p>

"Mommy! Please! We want that toy!"

"And the magic words?"

"We have money!"

* * *

><p>At some point, Tracks took Rumble and Frenzy to the clinic. Because the situation was very hectic at the hospital, to make sure the kids were safe and protect them from the blood gushing out of the people that were in a huge accident, Ratchet gave them two little uniforms. Eventually, of course, the two kids wondered off and somehow got into an OR.<p>

Surgeon:

"Who are you two?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Microsurgeons!"

* * *

><p>Slipstream:<p>

"Thundercracker! Why did you use my shampoo instead of bleach to wash your socks?"

"Because they are worth it!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Optimus! Why didn't you help Arcee when she was drowning?"

"What? I didn't know she was drowning! She was screaming as always!"

* * *

><p>Tracks set Optimus up for a blind date:<p>

"Oh, she is gorgeous! Ah! There she is! Arcee!"

Optimus to Tracks:

"I didn't know you liked Picasso …"

* * *

><p>Prowl is patrolling Russia when suddenly a rooster jumps under him and gets squished. Prowl to the farmer:<p>

"I am very sorry for what happened. I will substitute this rooster for you …"

Farmer:

"Sure, the chickens are in the barn …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod to Arcee:<p>

"Excuse me, may I introduce myself?"

"NO!"

"OH THANK GOD!"

* * *

><p>Onslaught:<p>

"So, Swindle, what is the first thing you do when you get on the computer?"

"I look through the Recycle Bin."

* * *

><p>Elita One, Chromia and Arcee are in a sauna, naked, when suddenly the wall separating the fembots from malebots collapses. Chromia, covering herself:<p>

"EEEP!"

Elita One, covering herself:

"WHOA!"

Arcee, spreading herself out:

"FUCK ME!"

* * *

><p>During a road trip, Optimus and Arcee got into a fight. At some point they were going through a village. Arcee, upon seeing a few pigs:<p>

"This is your family!"

"Yeah, my in-laws …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Ratchet, I can't get it up."

"All right, here are your choices. One, you can get a surgery and fix that problem for ever but it will cost you 50 000 dollars. Two, you will go through treatment that will also fix the problem, but it costs 10 000 dollars and is the duration of a whole month."

"Um, can I come back tomorrow? I need to talk to Arcee about this."

"Ok."

On the next day. Ratchet:

"So? What have you decided?"

Optimus, sighing:

"We are getting a new kitchen …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Alpha Trion! I have been cursed!"

"Um, all right, when did it affect you?"

"About four years ago."

"Do you know any words from it?"

"… I now pronounce you husband and wife …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, do you love me?"

"I don't have any money!"

"Optimus, I am talking about your feelings!"

"I do."

"Well, it doesn't matter anymore …"

* * *

><p>Optimus runs into the apartment, angry as hell:<p>

"ARCEE! I KNOW! WHERE IS HE?"

"Where is who?"

"The guy you are cheating on me with!"

"I don't know what you are talking about!"

"Son! Have you seen a moron anywhere?"

After a few seconds of thinking, Optimus' son looks under the bed:

"Hey, Hot Rod, you seen a moron run by?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"… what do you mean I can't come in? You said your doors are always open for me!"

Optimus:

"Yeah, when you are inside …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Ratchet! Help me!"

"What?"

"I tried on this dress for Halloween and I can't take it off!"

"Why not?"

"I like it too much …"

* * *

><p>On a Security Systems Inc. Showcase. Prowl is showing off new safe designs and proposes some people to try them out and whoever manages to open it will get 2 billion dollars. Prowl: "Name?"<p>

"Cliffjumper and Bumblebee."

"What do you need?"

"Um, give us two hours, some tools and in two hours, we will crack that safe."

Two hours later, they turn on the light, the safe is fully intact. Prowl:

"Next. Name?"

"Perceptor and Wheeljack."

"What do you need?"

"Some tools, an hour and turn off the light."

An hour later, Prowl turns on the light, the safe is fully intact. Prowl:

"Next. Name?"

"Swindle and Grimlock."

"What do you need?"

Swindle:

"What do you think, Grimlock? Fifteen minutes?"

"Yes."

"Turn off the light for fifteen minutes."

They turn off the light. Fifteen minutes later Prowl tries to turn the light back on but nothing happens so he activates his flashlight only to see that the 2 billion dollars inside the safe are gone and everybody got their clothes stolen as well, when suddenly he hears Swindle:

"Grimlock! Leave the damn lamp! It doesn't fit through the doorway anyway!"

* * *

><p>After Rodimus made a rule banning all swear words, suddenly all manufacturing stopped so he called everybody over and tried to figure it out. Kup:<p>

"Rodimus, it is so easy. Normally I would say 'pick up that slagging piece of crap and put it by that pile of shit or in this fucking place'. After you invoked the new rule, now we all have to remember the name of the slagging piece of crap and the two places where we can put that shit."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, am I beautiful?"

"Yes."

"Oh, come on! Answer it in more detail!"

"Yes, you are."

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"In order for fembots to like you, you need to be rich, handsome, strong or be a cute animal."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"When a rich person looks at a price tag, they don't care much about the currency. When a poor person looks at a price tag, they don't care either."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"In order to have enough money, you gotta work. If you want to get rich, you are gonna need to think …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"… begin counting every second, than you will understand that you need to get a life …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Time heals and yet it slowly kills us …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Don't get married to someone with whom you can live, marry someone without whom you cannot live."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Want to change your pace? Stop drinking tea or coffee and get on vodka …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Why does it take a whole pack of matches to light up a fire but just one to cause a forest fire?"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"When I get drunk, I am not afraid of anything!"

Grimlock:

"Even Arcee?"

"I never got that drunk …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"Ratchet! Come quick! The guy in the mirror looks sick!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>

**Well, hope you enjoyed it!**

**I have bought a copy of Headmasters! Original Japanese with English subs, I am guessing somewhat remastered and I am watching that stuff! I remember when I was just a teeny-weency kid, some of the first memories I have are of Transformers so I decided to re-watch the shows that entertained me and taught me valuable lessons (mostly G1, everything after Season 4 was just for fun) so I am eagerly awaiting until they do the same thing to Masterforce and Victory. Here is some food for thought:**

**Transformers Zone was cancelled after the first episode and they were supposed to have 54 I believe. From what I understand, it was cancelled due to people not buying the toys but I would like to hope it was cancelled because of what a piece of crap it was. Why? You know how they always had trouble with size ratios? Well, in Zone, apparently, Predaking and other combiners are the same size as Trypticon. That is just ONE of dozens of things wrong with the first episode (I can go on for volumes) but don't take my point of view - see for yourself!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing, laughing, reviewing, laughing, editing and reviewing!**


	20. Chapter 20

**Little****Tragedies, Issue 20**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Hey, guys! Sorry it took me so long to post anything! I had a Reading Week and I got busy as hell doing nothing or hanging out with my friends! You know what the funny thing is? We, Russians, have a sort of a trait about us: we rest during work and we get tired during parties. Well, this was pretty much that for me! I have no idea how that works ...**

**In any case! Issue 20 is up for your entertainment! Issue 21 will follow shortly!**

**Happy Halloween!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Rumble! Frenzy! Where did you hear this word?"

"From our dad."

"Don't you two dare to repeat it! Do you even know what it means?"

"Yes, it means the car doesn't start again."

* * *

><p>Shockblast's mom:<p>

"We want to buy a summer house so I am quitting smoking and your dad will quit drinking. How will you contribute?"

"I can quit school …"

* * *

><p>In a letter:<p>

"Santa, I haven't believed in you for a year now!"

Straxus, 53 years old.

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"The youngbots came up with a new way to kill themselves. They cut their internet connection …"

* * *

><p>Back in high school. Teacher takes out a red brick and puts it on the desk:<p>

"What do you think of when you see this? Ratchet?"

"I think of the medical facilities you can build with those things."

"Good! Warpath?"

"I think of the schools you can build with those things."

"Good! Thundercracker?"

"I think about myself!"

"What? Why?"

"I always think about myself!"

* * *

><p>Warpath:<p>

"Waiter! There is a fly in my soup! Get me a new one!"

Bumblebee:

"Sorry, sir, we are out of flies."

* * *

><p>Slipstream:<p>

"Starscream is like a cellphone."

Ratchet:

"He is modern, compact and useful?"

"No, when I run out of money, he stops talking to me."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk to Tracks:<p>

"If your cat is mysteriously smiling, it is best not to put on any of your shoes …"

* * *

><p>Flipsides goes on the computer after Soundwave and just out of interest checks out the history:<p>

"Sex swing."

Later, she goes on after Tracks:

"Does a snowman have a penis?"

After some time, she went on the computer after her brothers:

"Naughty Teachers."

Soundwave went on the computer after Flipsides and looked at the history:

"Renting apartments."

* * *

><p>Soundwave and Shockwave went on a business trip. On the way back they decided to celebrate a successful business deal and got drunk. In the last minute, Soundwave remembered that he needed to buy Ravage an anti-flee collar. They come to the store but they remember that they do not know the language. Shockwave, drunk:<p>

"We need to tell him that it is from fleas."

So the two mechs began scratching their throats. The shop-keep silently looks at them with his eyes saying:

"What else are you two gonna show me?"

Shockwave:

"I don't think he understands! Get on all fours, jump around me like a flee and I will try to get you away from me."

A minute later. Shockwave:

"We should tell him that it is a collar, ok, hold on, get back on your hands and knees."

Shop-keep:

"Guys, what the frag are you two doing? Just tell me in English what you want."

* * *

><p>Frenzy is learning how to bike:<p>

"Mommy! Look! I am biking without hands!"

And he disappeared around the corner. A few seconds later:

"Mommy! Look! I am biking without teeth!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave, drunk:<p>

"Son, you smoking?"

Flipsides:

"I am your daughter …"

* * *

><p>Starscream to Tracks:<p>

"Do you know this move, it is called Rodeo?"

"I can't say I do."

"Well, you get on your partner, get in your partner or the other way around and say that you have an STD."

* * *

><p>Soundwave uses Skywarp's Flight Company. Stewardess:<p>

"Mr. Soundwave, would you like to dine?"

"Sure, what are your options?"

"Yes or no."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy run into the room, screaming:<p>

"DADDY!"

"WHAT?"

"Did you see mommy naked?"

"Um … eh …"

"Don't look! It's terrifying!"

* * *

><p>Flipsides:<p>

"Mom, dad, I was born during winter. So tell me, there are no cabbages or cranes flying around …"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"HUFFER! WHY THE HELL DID YOU TRY HANGING YOURSELF?"

"… my life is so boring …"

"AND YOU THOUGHT THAT WOULD SPICE IT UP?"

* * *

><p>Swindle comes to a store:<p>

"Can I buy a copy of 'A Thousand Ways To Get Rich.' By Swindle?"

"Why do you want to buy your own book?"

"It is one of the ways …"

* * *

><p>Onslaught:<p>

"Damn it! How do we hide the body?"

Swindle:

"If you Google it, it will tell you to sell it …"

* * *

><p>Huffer's last words as he swam through the Pacific ocean:<p>

"Nooooo, those are definitely dolphins …"

* * *

><p>Optimus and Arcee are fighting:<p>

"Arcee, you are wrong!"

"What? I am wrong? Are you implying that I am lying? What? You calling me a bitch now? MOM! OPTIMUS CALLED ME A BITCH!"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Sunstreaker, Sideswipe! What ya guys doing?"

"To whom?"

* * *

><p>Tracks lost a bet to Mirage and so according to the bet, he had to spend a whole night at a cemetery. The night came, Tracks arrived. Suddenly he sees another mech, they introduce one another, they talk. Tracks:<p>

"Haha! You are so funny!"

"Yeah, you should have seen me when I was alive …"

* * *

><p>Blurr is commenting on the Charrball game:<p>

"… warpathpassestocosmos cosmoshitstheballtogrimlock andgrimlockbeatsdownblitzwing withastopsign …"

Warpath:

"Blurr! Slow the frag down! We can't follow you that fast!"

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus:<p>

"Four in the office, only one is working. Answer to the riddle?"

Tracks:

"I don't know."

"Springer, Hot Rod, Kup and the air conditioner."

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"So, Optimus, got married? She beautiful?"

"Yeah, they say she looks like The Sweet Mother of Cybertron."

"Show me!"

Optimus takes out a photo:

"Here!"

"SWEET MOTHER OF CYBERTRON!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Hot Rod, I got some bad news for you."

"What? Am I going to die?"

"No, we are going to treat you …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Springer! Your days are numbered! You are going to work in a few days!"

* * *

><p>Huffer over the telephone:<p>

"Hello? Is this Life Line?"

Tracks:

"No, this is Phone Sex but you can trust me …"

* * *

><p>Swindle, in prison:<p>

"Hey, Mirage, why are you in here?"

"For a bribe."

"You can go to prison for free?"

* * *

><p>The Ark. Optimus Prime is checking out the systems when suddenly a huge boulder hits the screen. Optimus picks up the boulder and looks at the note taped on it:<p>

"Monitors on sale. Swindle."

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"On a poll online asking 'What is the best treatment for pimples?' with 'Creams' and 'leave them be' as answers, we reached quite an interesting result!"

"So, which option won?"

"Photoshop."

* * *

><p>Perceptor, after performing a first line of tests on the population:<p>

"A recent survey showed that all inhabitants of Earth know our language, English."

* * *

><p>Arcee, when she was volunteering in a hospital. Arcee:<p>

"Kup! Kup! KUP! Wake up!"

"What?"

"I brought you your sleeping pills."

* * *

><p>Springer's waking up method:<p>

6 : 00 – all right, gotta wake up

9 : 00 – all right, on three. One, two …

12 : 00 – DAMN!

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"What is hell? That's when you wake up in the morning, knowing you have to go to work."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Prowl! My wife is gone!"

"All right, give me a description."

"Only on one condition."

"What?"

"You won't tell her about the description …"

* * *

><p>Sunstreaker and Sideswipe:<p>

"We can't stand trouble! We can't just stand there and not be involved!"

* * *

><p>Alpha Trion:<p>

"Next! What is two plus two?"

"Five!"

"No."

"Three!"

"No."

"Six!"

"No. You may not be smart, but you try, you are accepted into the university. Next! What is two plus two?"

"Three!"

"No."

"Three!"

"No!"

"Three!"

"No. You may not be smart, but you sure are stubborn and hold on to your ideas, you are accepted into the university. Next! Two plus two?"

"Four."

"Correct but we do not have any more placements …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"I wish this crap would finish so that new shit can begin …"

* * *

><p>Prowl to Grimlock:<p>

"Tell alcohol – I got no money!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The poor want money, the rich want money. Only the smart ones want happiness."

* * *

><p>Optimus, gets back from a vacation with Arcee. Iron Hide:<p>

"So, how did you get home?"

"I don't remember, I was drunk so Arcee bought the tickets."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I can't remember what I promised Arcee. It is either drink two beers and come back at nine or drink nine beers and come back at two …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"We are not yet stupid but the TV is surely working on it …"

* * *

><p>Arcee's dad:<p>

"Arcee! When are you gonna stop drinking?"

"When I get pregnant!"

"Drink as much as you want …"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"The Decepticon scientists figured out that energon goodies make transformers happier …"

Grimlock:

"Obviously they haven't tasted vodka …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The Apocalypse! Nobody guessed! Jackpot is not won!"

* * *

><p>Arcee is trying to get Optimus to have sex in the morning:<p>

"Sweetie, want me to be on top?"

Optimus, hungover:

"I want you to be beer …"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Reality is in wine!"

Grimlock:

"… but The Truth is in vodka! Gimme!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, hungover, crawls into medbay. Ratchet:<p>

"Suffering from a headache?"

"Headache suffer from me!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Springer! Why didn't you show up for work yesterday?"

"You told me yourself!"

"What?"

"Don't come to work drunk!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"I can't drink anymore after twelve! After twelve liters of beer I just can't!"

Grimlock:

"Pfft, lightweight."

* * *

><p>Optimus comes home, drunk, face covered with make-up and red hairs all over his body. Arcee:<p>

"What happened?"

"You won't believe me! I fought a clown all night long!"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Rodimus! Here are the new letters from home. Just a heads-up, Seaspray's dad just died so ease him in, will you?"

Rodimus, drunk:

"Everybody who has a father, step forward! Seaspray! Where the hell do you think you are going?"

* * *

><p>Blaster and Prowl went on a fishing trip. Blaster is sitting in the boat, concentrating on his fishing rod while Prowl the whole time is being tortured by mosquitos but none even fly around Blaster. Prowl:<p>

"Why do these mosquitoes keep pestering me and none of them are approaching you?"

Blaster, drunk:

"Can't touch me."

* * *

><p>A bar, everybody is having fun when Wheeljack runs in, screaming:<p>

"GRIMLOCK IS IN TOWN!"

Everybody hides wherever they can, some run away, the barman hides too. Suddenly, a mech enters, the darkness makes it impossible to make out who it is. Mech:

"Give me a shot of vodka!"

The barman does so.

"Give me another one!"

The barman does as he was told.

"Well, all right, this was fun but I gotta go, I heard Grimlock is in town."

* * *

><p>A stewardess comes:<p>

"Dear passengers, if someone does not jump out of the plane, we are all going to die."

A Sharkticon walks up to the stewardess, asks for energon goodies, eats the goodies and screams as he jumps:

"For Quintessa!"

A while later, the stewardess comes out again:

"We need someone to jump out or we are all gonna die."

Spike comes to the stewardess, asks for some beer, drinks up the beer and screams as he jumps out:

"For Earth!"

A while later, she comes again:

"If someone doesn't jump out of the air plane, we are all going to die!"

Grimlock comes up to the stewardess:

"Give vodka!"

Grimlock drinks up the vodka, grabs Starscream and throws him out of the plane:

"For Decepticons!"

* * *

><p>Optimus, drunk:<p>

"Arcee! What day is today?"

"Monday."

"And tomorrow?"

"Tuesday."

"And after tomorrow?"

"Wednesday!"

"You are so smart! Whatever I ask, you know the answer!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock:<p>

"A celebration without vodka is like a passport without a photo."

* * *

><p>Perceptor, drunk:<p>

"What? You think you are disgusted when you sit on the toiler filled with bacteria? Imagine what they see!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Hope you liked it!**

**So this Halloween I really wanted to go trick or treating but I don't think that will happen ... nobody I knew wanted to go ... and I do not want to go by myself ... not because I am scared or anything but because, you know, it is a group thing! I went trick or treating like ... once in my life. Funny story but for another time.**

**This year I wanted to go as an evil robot! What did you guys want to go as?**


	21. Chapter 21

**Little  ****Tragedies, Issue 21**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Issue 21 people! Enjoy! I will also be posting a new series in like 3-4 hours!**

**I wish I had some sort of a little something ready for Halloween in the spirit of they day but hey, it's all good!**

**You kids get out there and get lots of candy from people! I was actually thinking of putting on my nursing uniform and give out candy saying this:**

**"Who wants diabetes?"**

**Don't judge me! That's the least scary thing I could come up with!**

**I guess it is a good thing that I didn't go trick or treating because of some health issues I have been having but oh well, whatever! XD**

**I am actually hoping to meet up with a friend who really doesn't need to dress up or anything because she can just go as herself XD and I am also hoping to see the Halloween Walk of Shame!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>After having Rumble and Frenzy, Tracks and Soundwave decided to buy a new car. Tracks:<p>

"So, what safety features does this car have?"

Swindle:

"One second please, let me double check."

A few seconds later:

"It has 2 condoms under the driver's seat."

* * *

><p>Since Tracks and Soundwave decided to get a new car because of Rumble and Frenzy, Soundwave decided to sell his Mechcedes and so he posted a little note with his cell phone on the back of the car.<p>

One day, driving in a traffic jam, a cell phone rings. Soundwave:

"Hello?"

"Hey, are you selling your Mechcedes?"

"Affirmative."

"Want 1000 dollars for it?"

"1000 dollars? This is a new Mechcedes! Barely rode 100 km on this car!"

"All right, fine, 1200 it is then."

"Inquiry: who do you think you are?"

"I am the guy who is driving right behind you in a very old van. If you don't sell me the car for 1200, I will ram it in."

And the guy hangs up. Soundwave looks back and sees Thundercracker driving the old van. Cell phone rings. Soundwave:

"Hello?"

"Hey, did the guy from the van call you?"

"Affirmative."

"How much did he propose?"

"1200 dollars."

"Eh, well, sell it to me for 500 dollars. Consider this when you make your decision – I am the guy to your left in a truck."

* * *

><p>During a snowball fight. Sentinel, hiding:<p>

"Optimus! Is that you?"

"Ya."

"Be careful! Blitzwing is somewhere close by!"

"Yavol! Ya!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>At a gas stop. Bumblebee:<p>

"Rodimus! The price for one liter of gas is higher today!"

Rodimus:

"All right, then give me 50 liters of yesterday's gas."

* * *

><p>Optimus calls Arcee:<p>

"Arcee! Are you driving home?"

"Yes."

"Are you taking the highway?"

"Yes."

"Be careful! On the news they said that some moron is driving in the oncoming traffic lane!"

"I know! There are hundreds of them!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee is like a lightning bolt when driving!"

Iron Hide:

"What? Drives really fast?"

"No, hits the trees."

* * *

><p>Arcee is stuck in the middle of nowhere and she is trying to get a ride from someone. Hot Rod stops the car:<p>

"Hey, Arcee, where are you headed?"

"Iacon."

"Oh! Great! Me too! Let's see who gets there faster! Three, two , one, go!"

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"If you ask any driver, they will say that they are the only good driver on the road and the rest are morons and idiots. Everybody else says the same thing."

* * *

><p>Prowl stops a car going 20 kmh, the windows slide down and he sees Alpha Trion and Kup, optics wide open, breathing heavily. Alpha Trion is driving. Prowl:

"Guys, what are you doing?"

Alpha Trion:

"Nothing, officer! No problem here! We are obeying the speed limit!"

Prowl looks at where he was pointing:

"Oh, that's just the number of the road! The speed limit is 60! Hold on, what happened to you guys?"

"We just got off Road 270."

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"Toyota, drive your dreams. Vaz-2101, drive whatever the hell you got."

* * *

><p>Prowl stops a car. Prowl:<p>

"Sir …"

Hot Rod:

"Why are you calling me sir?"

"Because you are driving on the left side of the road!"

* * *

><p>A bus left the bus stop, Springer runs with the bus trying to get inside. Arcee looks at that process for a few seconds and yells to Springer:<p>

"I am peeing myself from laughter!"

Springer:

"You will crap yourself too once you find out that I am the driver of this bus …"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Am I beautiful?"

Hot Rod:

"Yes."

"How about now?"

"Yes."

"And like this?"

"Yes! Tracks! You are beautiful! Fabulous even! Just give me my driving license back!"

* * *

><p>Prowl and Blitzwing, guarding the border, see Swindle biking with a huge bag of "Malboro" cigarettes. Blitzwing:<p>

"We should stop him!"

"No, he has the right. It's for himself, he is not going to sell those."

"Hm, all right."

On the next day, they see Swindle biking again. Blitzwing:

"We should stop him!"

"No, he is stacking up! Let him be."

"Fine."

This goes on for whole 2 months. Finally both approach Swindle. Prowl:

"Swindle, we are a little irritated to see you here everyday, so how about we help you transport all your stuff and be done with it. We won't care much for it anyway."

Swindle:

"Oh, no, don't worry, I already got all the bikes to the other side."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod, so that his car won't be stolen, left a little note on the windshield:<p>

"The accelerator is gone, the engine doesn't work."

On the next day he wakes up and in the place of his car sees a note:

"Then why do you need wheels?"

* * *

><p>Arcee is taking a test for her driving license. Both sit in the car when Alpha Trion says:<p>

"All right, we are done here: you fail."

"Wait? What? How? We didn't even drive yet!"

"You sat in the back …"

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"Whoever has ever been in a traffic jam never laughs at motorcycles."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"… the tank speeds up to 80 km/h and then it loses control …"

Red Alert, scared:

"What then?"

"Nothing! You are in a tank! You are safe!"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Scattershot, why did you throw an acid grenade into the washroom?"

Scattershot, confused:

"I was just wondering if anybody was there …"

* * *

><p>Shockwave, seeing if he could find anything useful in the human history of warfare:<p>

"Why did the humans equip some of their bombs with parachutes?"

Swindle:

"So that people can take pictures and videos and post it all on Youtube."

* * *

><p>Iron Hide, to Tracks:<p>

"So, why did you join the army?"

"First of all, I want to protect Cybertron!"

"Great!"

"Second of all, the service will make me stronger!"

"Yes!"

"And most importantly, nobody asked me whether I wanted to or not …"

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus' mom:<p>

"Write to me whenever you can! And write everything that's happening!"

Ultra Magnus:

"We are not allowed to do that, security purposes."

"All right then, when everything is good, write with blue ink, when everything is bad, write with red ink."

A few days later, a letter from Ultra Magnus:

"Everything is good, the only bad thing is that there is no red ink."

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Huffer! Peel some potatoes!"

"You know, we have a special machine just for that!"

"Yes! And you are the latest model!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, interrogating a Decepticon from another planet:<p>

"Comment tu t'apelle?"

"Je m'apelle Stingray."

Rodimus, hitting the prisoner:

"Comment tu t'apelle?"

"Je m'apelle Stingray!"

Rodimus, full out bitch slap:

"Comment tu t'apelle?"

"Je m'apelle Stingray!"

"Holy jeez! I am asking how many of you are there!"

* * *

><p>A sign near the beginning of the road leading into Blitzwing's territory:<p>

"Because of the lack of ammunition, no more warning shots will be fired."

* * *

><p>A sign near the beginning of the road leading into Springer's territory:<p>

"Because of laziness, we will be using landmines instead of guns …"

* * *

><p>Warpath:<p>

"Tanks – our armor is strong and we are fast!"

Seaspray:

"Submarines – deeper, deeper, deeper!"

Thundercracker:

"Fighter jets – higher, higher, higher!"

Onslaught:

"Anti-aircraft vehicles – if we don't fly, nobody does."

* * *

><p>Shockwave:<p>

"Onslaught! Where do you want to be posted?"

"In the command!"

"What are you, stupid?"

"Is that a requirement?"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Prowl stops a car:<p>

"Grimlock! Kup! You guys are going way over the limit! It is 60 km/h and you two were going 120!"

Grimlock, drunk:

"That's because there are two of us!"

* * *

><p>Prowl picks up the phone. Prowl:<p>

"Hello?"

Rodimus, drunk:

"Prowl! I got robbed!"

"What?"

"Yeah! Somebody stole the wheel from my car!"

"Uhuh, anything else?"

"Yes! Everything! Gas, the breaks, the radio, the stick, everything!"

"All right, I will enter it in the computer."

Five minutes later. Rodimus, drunk:

"Prowl! Sorry, my mistake, I sat in the backseat."

* * *

><p>Intergalactic Olympiad. Racing competition.<p>

Windcharger drives at 150 km/h, sees a sharp turn, drops his speed to 110 and keeps on going.

Blurr drives at 200 km/h, sees a sharp turn, drops his speed down to 180 and keeps on going.

Wheeljack, drunk, drives at 240 km/h, sees a sharp turn, speeds up to 300. Wheeljack, ramming through the barricades:

"WHO THE FUCK BUILT SHIT HERE?"

* * *

><p>Prowl is trying to stop Kup, Hot Rod and Springer, drunk, all who are riding a motorcycle. Kup:<p>

"Sorry! We can't take any more!"

* * *

><p>Prowl wakes up Grimlock after a car accident. Grimlock, hungover:<p>

"Me, Grimlock remember that Grimlock sat in car and realized three things. 1 – Grimlock drunk. 2 – Grimlock driving in oncoming traffic lane. 3 – Grimlock no have wheel."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing, drunk, stops a drunk Rodimus. Blitzwing:<p>

"Last name."

"Wha?"

"Name."

"Who?"

"Wha who- what are you, asian?"

* * *

><p>Prowl is taking Hot Rod, Kup and Grimlock, all drunk, out of the crashed car. Prowl:<p>

"Who was driving?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"We were all in the back seat!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod and Kup get in a car and Hot Rod begins speeding, 100, 120, 140, 160, 180, 200. Kup:<p>

"Kid, you sure about this?"

Hot Rod, drunk:

"Yeah! I have a strong guardian angel!"

"Yeah, well, I am gonna get out."

"Ok."

Kup gets out and Hot Rod again speeds up, 140, 160, 180, 200, 220, 240. Suddenly, a voice from the back of the car:

"You know what, I think I will get off too …"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Hey, Rodimus, ya want some?"

"No, thanks, I am driving."

"Then why did you take your car?"

"I was afraid you would start drinking without me."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing stops a car:<p>

"All right, everything is good. You got your documents, licensing is good, not drunk, first aid kit, safety, everything is good! Hey, want a drink?"

Hot Rod:

"Hey! You are just going to give me a ticket for driving drunk!"

"What? No! Today is Police Day! Relax, man!"

"Oh, all right then."

And so Blitzwing and Hot Rod drink a few shots of vodka and Hot Rod leaves. Blitzwing over the radio:

"Hey, Prowl, remember those 100 dollars I owe you? Well, in just a few minutes Hot Rod will pass by, drunk …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Your goals throughout life change. 20 – drive fast. 30 – drive safer. 50 – drive. 70 – I hope I get there alive …"

* * *

><p>Winter, really freaking cold, Grimlock barges into the store. Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"COLD!"

Comes up to the shop keep:

"Give Grimlock ice-cream!"

* * *

><p>Winter, really freaking cold. Bumblebee and Cliffjumper are going home and see Grimlock with Kup standing on the corner, rubbing their hands together. Grimlock:<p>

"Some cold vodka would be nice …"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>

**Hope you enjoyed it!**

**You know, I am on issue 46 and I am seeing an acute lack of drunk jokes, mostly aphorisms ... I SHALL REMEDY THAT!**

**Happy Halloween you crazy kids! Come on! Get out there even if you are not trick or treating! Make fun of people's costumes! It's all good fun!**

**By the way ...**

**I GOT THREE TRANSFORMERS COMIC BOOKS AND OMG THEY ARE SOOOO AWESOME OMG OMG OMG OMG! I STILL CAN'T STOP ROTFLOLING!**


	22. Chapter 22

**_Little Tragedies, Issue 22_**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**I know I have been absent for a few weeks, sorry about that, college kept me busy. How can I ever abandon my nearly nonexistent audience?**

**In any case, I will be posting three issues! From this point on it will be just like usual, an issue each Sunday/Monday.**

**I fix as many grammar and spelling mistakes as I can but some do manage to sip through my fingers somehow. I know that I lack in a number of areas, believe me, I am very uneasy about this, I do try to fill up at least 2 pages of each section but sometimes I just can't even do a single page. ****I am thinking that I should branch out more into relationship stuff but I can't just make it all about relationships when there is so much else to work on!**

**It won't be long until I get to issue 46, the latest I wrote up so far, I got some suggestions from some users and did what I could with them, thank you to all who contributed to the series! You know who you are!**

**In other news, I have a psychiatrist appointment this week! Yes, yours truly is going nuts and bat-shit insaner than usual! Toodles~**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Swindle:<p>

"I never really had much luck in relationships …"

Ratchet:

"Want me to prescribe you some Viagra?"

"No, that's ok. Some chloroform would be nice …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"No, Ratchet I just needed to go to the washroom and I sat in the bushes and I think I caught something from there …"

Ratchet:

"Well, tell that bush that you are two months pregnant."

* * *

><p>Ratchet is in a really bad mood. Bulkhead comes in:<p>

"Doc, could you …"

"GO TO HELL!"

"… look at me? My throat hurts."

"Say 'aaaahhh'."

"Aaaahhhh."

"NOW GO TO HELL!"

* * *

><p>Bumblebee got fired from the fast-food joint he used to work at and now got a job in a pharmacy. Tracks:<p>

"May I have a pack of condoms please?'

"For here or to go?"

* * *

><p>Skywarp, shyly:<p>

"May I have a condom?"

Ratchet:

"What? I can't hear you!"

"Well, um, Thundercracker, Slipstream, Starscream, Sunstorm, Ramjet …"

"You gonna tackle all that with one condom?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Prowl, patrolling in Russia, sees a sign on a pharmacy door:<p>

"Pharmacy closed, gone to the pharmacy. Hoist."

* * *

><p>Prowl, patrolling in Russia, sees a sign on a store:<p>

"Meat and mountain skies."

* * *

><p>Prowl, patrolling in Russia, sees a sign on a store:<p>

"Mercy: wine, beer and vodka."

* * *

><p>Prowl in a zoo in Russia:<p>

"100 Rubles to stick your finger in the parrot cage."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"What is the most important thing about a tank?"

Warpath:

"The gun."

Red Alert:

"The armor."

Springer:

"Wrong! The most important thing is not to fart."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Hey, do crocodiles fly?"

Springer:

"No."

"But the Supreme Commander said that they do fly."

"Oh, right, they do fly, very very low …"

"He also said that they fly really far up in the sky …"

"… and then they skyrocket up!"

* * *

><p>Megatron:<p>

"Who can cook here?"

Mixmaster:

"I can!"

"All right, then you will be the cook."

Two days later. Megatron:

"What did you cook before becoming a Decepticon?"

"Cement."

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Springer, how much ammunition do you have?"

"These three clips."

"That's it?"

"No, I have one more in my gun."

"Give it to me then!"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I need 'reassurance' in case you don't give me my ammo back."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Hound, why did you grow a beard?"

"Mirage told me that it tickles him in a very pleasant way."

"Hm, all right, keep it if you got nothing else to tickle him with …"

* * *

><p>Galvatron and Rodimus are arguing which faction is better. Rodimus:<p>

"The Autobots get 1000 kilocalories a day!"

"Oh, yeah? My Decepticons get 2000 a day!"

"What? You eat two bags of raw potatoes each day?"

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus:<p>

"Autobots! Everybody take a shovel and dig trenches!"

Hot Rod:

"What? Why?"

"The Decepticons are headed this way!"

Springer:

"Maybe we should attack them so that they have to dig trenches?"

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Springer, what are you guarding?"

"Ammunition."

"Why are you telling me? What if I am a spy?"

Springer shoots Rodimus:

"Son of a bitch Decepticon!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Springer! What is the first thing you do when you clean your gun?"

"Check the serial number!"

"What? Why?"

"Too lazy to clean someone else's gun …"

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"A Decepticon warship recently was destroyed in the Indian Ocean by unknown means. There were no casualties from our end …"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Hey, Blurr, Rodimus is so funny, whenever he opens his mouth, we all drop to the ground!"

"Reallyreallywhatdoeshesay?"

"Drop to the ground!"

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus, describing a situation:<p>

"The enemy is to the left, to the right and in front of you …"

Hot Rod:

"They will not escape us now!"

* * *

><p>A sign on Ratchet's office door:<p>

"The doctor does not drink flowers and candy."

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first surgeries. A very delicate, heavy surgery. Ratchet:<p>

"Sir, the patient is waking up!"

The Professor:

"Yes, I know. I got this."

Turns to the waking up patient:

"Your one hour of anesthesia is up, would you like to continue?"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school. Ratchet:<p>

"Sir, I have no idea how to break the news to the patient!"

The Professor:

"Watch me. Hello? Sir? Yes, I have some good news for you!"

Patient:

"What?"

"You will be able to read without glasses!"

"What? For real? But I am almost blind! How am I going to read?"

"With your fingers."

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first surgeries. After a surgery on an Ick-Yak. The Professor:<p>

"Well, Ratchet, I am fairly sure that we didn't leave any apparatus inside the Ick-Yak."

Ratchet:

"Hold on, where is First Aid?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Ratchet, can you give me weight loss pills?"

"Sure, here, there are 300 in this bottle."

"Whoa! 300? How many do I have to take?"

"None."

"None? Wait, what?"

"Pour all of them all over the floor and pick them up, one by one."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"So, what seems to be the problem?"

Beachcomber:

"When I help animals, they don't tell me what hurts or anything!"

"All right, Grimlock! Come here please! All right, Grimlock, make him take these pills three times a day for three days; if nothing changes, put him down."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Ratchet, do you have a pregnancy test?"

"Here."

"Do you have anything cheaper?"

"Here."

"Um, cheaper?"

"Here."

"Cheaper?"

"Here."

"Cheaper?"

"Yes, I can do a pregnancy test for free!"

"Oh, really? Let's do it!"

"Are you pregnant, yes or no?"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Um, Ratchet, what does 'W.F.C.' stand for in my medical history?"

"Who fucking cares."

* * *

><p>Optimus calls up a mental clinic:<p>

"Ratchet, are all of your patients in place?"

"Yes, why?"

"Arcee just ran off with some moron."

* * *

><p>Ratchet's diary:<p>

Things I would not want to hear during a surgery:

Oh, damn! A fly!

Did anybody see my watch?

Why the hell did I drink so much booze yesterday?

Where is the scalpel?

Bad dog! Bad dog! Give it back!

Faster! Charrball finals start in 10 minutes!

All right, if this is not the appendix, then what the hell is this?

Nurse! Give me that … um … what the hell do you call it … thingy …

Damn! Another blackout!

No! My contact lens!

Well, we learn on our mistakes.

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Ratchet! Every time I have a hangover and look in the mirror I want to puke!"

"Well, your vision is 100 percent functional …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The volcano Eyjafjallajökull woke up to take vengeance on the people who named it that way."

* * *

><p>Wheeljack, drunk:<p>

"… let's test my new invention!"

Optimus:

"Oh, crap, what is it?"

"Viagra bomb."

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Whoever finishes their keg of vodka first gets to go home from the front lines, I am not kidding. Go!"

Everybody begins drinking like crazy except for Grimlock who was slowly sipping his. Rodimus:

"Grimlock, you don't want to go home?"

Grimlock, lovingly hugging the keg:

"Grimlock already home."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"The reason for your malady is alcohol …"

Kup:

"Thank you! You are the first one who says that the problem is not in me!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Done already? Wow, you are pretty fast!**

**An idea struck me a few months ago. Basically I was wondering if I would be able to re-enact some of these jokes in animations if I ever get into that, wonder what the reception will be ...**

**As I re-read those, it makes me wonder about certain things we are told by society and in the media ... did you hear that in USA pizza is now a vegetable? I am not kidding! Pizza, in the United States of America is now ... considered a vegetable ... why? Because it has tomatoes on it ... it's shit like this that makes me wonder where everything is headed towards ... it is up to every individual, up to us, to change this world for the better with the little wisdom we gather through reading fanfiction ... FANS, ASSEMBLE!**

**Just like usual, some jokes you need to think about a little bit to get but I know I do not have anything too heavy, I try to keep the humor simple and understandable to the masses.**

**If you have any suggestions or ideas of your own, you are welcome to explore them! Do not be shy, you have no idea how easy it gets once you get the shyness barrier!**

**Do not forget to comment or to review!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


	23. Chapter 23

_**Little ****Tragedies, ****Issue ****23**_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Issue 23! I am progressing along! One more will be posted after this.**

**Next time you are reading these, try having some sort of a funny soundtrack in the background, I don't know about you but it puts me in a relatively better mood than without music! Did you know that music is like orgasm for your brain? You do now!**

**I can't really say I was trying anything specific here, just an average LT issue.**

**It is kind of funny to read these again, I don't remember writing a lot of those but it is nice to re-cap all my work sometimes! Or maybe it has something to do with me drinking three Monster energy drinks before my anatomy midterm today ... that COULD explain why I am so hyper ... the ride home is going to be very interesting.**

**So the other day I found out that in Europe, water does not hydrate anymore. You think I am joking? Look it up! It's all there! Pizza is a vegetable and water doesn't hydrate you! Amazing, isn't it? Have you ever wondered of those two are desperate attempts to cover something up that the governments are doing? Just a thought! I really don't care about any of that crap! As long as we have humor, no problem is too big.**

**I would also like to encourage you guys to see if you can imagine the jokes in your head, like a mini-scene of some sort! Maybe it is just me but I like envisioning certain dialogs in the fanfics I read to get a better feel of the scene!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Soundwave comes to Ratchet, rotten eggs all over him, a huge black eye, bleeding from a few places at once, a broken arm and visage quite disfigured. Ratchet, after staring at Soundwave for a good minute:<p>

"So what seems to be the problem?"

"I am currently more worried about the emotional state of my wife …"

* * *

><p>Shockblast's dad:<p>

"Ratchet! Shockblast doesn't eat anything! Not meat, not salad, not sugar, nothing!"

"Why not?"

"There is no food!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Tracks, prepare Soundwave for the worst."

"What? Is he going to die?"

"Worse, he won't be allowed to drink vodka …"

* * *

><p>Thundercracker:<p>

"Ratchet! I am a megalomaniac!"

Ratchet, drunk:

"The hell do you know about megalomania, you pathetic worm?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Ratchet, how is he?"

"Well, he's got 20 broken bones, internal bleeding and a head concussion."

"Can I talk to him?"

"It would be better if you told me what to ask or tell him."

"Ask him if I got my driving license."

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"Ratchet! I want plastic surgery! I want my eyes to be big!"

"10 000 dollars."

"WHHHAAAAAATTT?"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"If you quit smoking, you will live another 20 years."

Soundwave:

"Then I will quit at around 80."

* * *

><p>Smokescreen:<p>

"The other day in our mental clinic, the mayor and a sponsor came."

Ratchet:

"Really? How did that go?"

"Well, just as a little demonstration, I filled up a bathtub with water and on a chair nearby I put a cup and a spoon and asked the two what they would use to empty the bathtub."

"And?"

"Straxus said he would use the spoon while Megatron said that he would use the cup. I said that normal people would just take out the cork …"

* * *

><p>Smokescreen:<p>

"If you ever feel angry, sit down, count to ten and when you are done, hit them straight in the face as hard as you can. That should definitely calm you down."

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>In a mental asylum. Patient:<p>

"Ratchet! Can you please remove that guy from my room?"

"Why?"

"Every night he puts on a hat and says that he is a lamp."

"Oh, and?"

"I can't sleep because of the light!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Congratulations, Hot Rod, Ultra Magnus. Hot Rod is growing new life!"

Ultra Magnus:

"Say what …"

Hot Rod:

"I am a male …"

Ratchet:

"Yeah, parasites don't really care …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Ultra Magnus, is Hot Rod there?"

"No, why?"

"We had a system crash and I can't remember what I diagnosed Hot Rod with, I think it was either syphilis or prone to heart attacks."

"What can we do?"

"Well, make him run 10 km, if he doesn't die, I wouldn't suggest interfacing with him …"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Arcee comes to The Professor:<p>

"Professor, I want to have a kid."

"Hm, all right, then go have sex."

"No, I want to try the artificial impregnation."

"Oh, all right. So do you want a boy or a girl?"

"A boy."

The Professor pours some liquid in a bottle:

"Coloring scheme?"

"Whatever."

Pours some other liquid into the bottle:

"What do you want his appearance to be?"

"I want him to look like Optimus Prime."

Pours some more liquid into the bottle and gives it to Arcee:

"Here, drink this."

Arcee drinks the liquid and passes out. The Professor, retracting his codpiece:

"Optimus Prime or not, the kid will look like he will …"

* * *

><p>Smokescreen:<p>

"One of my mental clinic patients thinks he is a car …"

Ratchet:

"So did you manage to cure him?"

"Are you kidding me? I ride home on him!"

* * *

><p>Smokescreen is trying to cure an optimist:<p>

"Your grandfather died."

"He is in a better place."

"You are late for his funeral."

"I will sit in the car then and hit the gas!"

"But you are afraid of cars!"

"Then I will drink a bottle of vodka for courage!"

"All right, you get caught by a policeman."

"I will talk it out!"

"You can't, it's a fembot."

"Then we will get to know each other!"

"She is ugly."

"I already drank a bottle of vodka!"

* * *

><p>Red Alert:<p>

"Ratchet, my arm is broken! Am I going to die?"

"No."

Hot Rod:

"He is immortal?"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"So, did you follow my advice of sleeping with open windows?"

Red Alert:

"Yes."

"So your asthma is gone?"

"Yes but now my TV, computer, cell phone, my furniture and the rest of my stuff is gone …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Ratchet! I can't grow out a beard!"

"Arcee! You are a fembot!"

"SAY WHAT?"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Ratchet! Arcee and me have been trying to have a baby for so long! Nothing works!"

"Did she go for a few weeks to a hot tourist spot like I said?"

"Yes, we went there and nothing happened!"

"Optimus, I didn't tell you to go there …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"So what seems to be the problem."

Alpha Trion:

"I have a bad memory."

"Anything else?"

"I have a bad memory."

"Right, anything else?"

"I have a bad memory."

* * *

><p>Huffer:<p>

"I would sell my soul to the devil to cure this disease!"

Ratchet:

"Relax, we can do it for free and you will go to heaven … probably …"

* * *

><p>Hound:<p>

"Smokescreen, every time I am at work, I feel like there are people I don't know that follow me and stare at me!"

"Hm, all right, that is treatable. What do you work as?"

"A guide in a museum …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet, walking through the hallway, hears Optimus in medbay talk to Arcee:<p>

"My sweetie, you are so beautiful and smart and kind and …"

Ratchet:

"Oh, when did he become delirious?"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Hot Rod! You are sick! You do not have that much time!"

"Oh, no! How much time do I have?"

"Ten."

"Ten what? Days? Weeks? Months?"

"Nine, eight, seven ..."

* * *

><p>Ratchet, calmly asking Hot Rod with a huge axe sticking out of his head:<p>

"Were you ever sick with chicken pox?"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Huffer! I got good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?"

"The good news is that you have 24 hours left to live."

"And the bad news?"

"The bad news I forgot to tell you that yesterday …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first surgeries. The Professor is cutting up the patient. Ratchet:<p>

"Um, sir, I do not think that it was necessary for you to remove the patient's stomach and lungs for this surgery?"

"Surgery? I thought this was an autopsy!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first surgeries. The Professor:<p>

"Ratchet! Don't push the scalpel that hard! This is our fifth operating table!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first surgeries. Ratchet:<p>

"Sir, maybe the patient requires anesthesia?"

Patient:

"Yeah! I do!"

The Professor:

"Oh, don't worry. Once you see what I am about to do to you, you will fall unconscious anyway …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Ratchet! Is there anything you can do to make me look any better?"

"I am sorry but I am pretty sure that decapitation is illegal …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"So, doctor, what's wrong with me?"

Ratchet:

"Hemorrhoids."

"On my face?"

"That's your face?"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Ratchet, will I survive?"

"Oh, yes, you will."

Ratchet turns the page in Hot Rod's tests:

"More than likely."

Turns another page:

"Probably."

Turns another page:

"Maybe."

Turns another page.

"Possibly."

Turns another page.

"Hopefully."

Turns another page.

"Not really."

* * *

><p>Smokescreen:<p>

"Who are you?"

"I am Napoleon!"

"Fourth room."

Sometime later. Patient:

"Smokescreen! Where did you send me?"

"Well, you are Napoleon, right?"

"Yeah, the cake!"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"I can't make out what Ratchet wrote on the prescription! His writing is so messed up and unreadable!"

Alpha Trion:

"I know! I have been riding on the bus with those for over a year now, went to the movies a few times and now thinking to go on a vacation …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"All right, Springer, when I am treating you, scream as loud as you can."

"Why?"

"The Charrball finals will start in 20 minutes and I still have ten patients waiting in the hall!"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus:<p>

"Hm, what is this beer called? Red, White and Blue?"

* * *

><p>Optimus Prime:<p>

"Hm, what is this beer called? Red, White and Blue?"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Ratchet! I can't sleep! Those pills you prescribed me are not helping!"

"All right, drink a cup of wine before bed."

"And if it doesn't help?"

"Drink more!"

"And what if that doesn't help?"

"I don't think it will matter at that point …"

* * *

><p>New Year's Eve. Ratchet calls up Kup:<p>

"Hey, Kup, my sink is plugged up, mind helping me out? I will have guests and there will be dirty dishes and stuff!"

"But New Years will be in just an hour!"

"Oh, come on! I am a doctor! I help whenever!"

"All right, fine."

Sometime later, Kup, drunk, comes in, looks at the sink takes out some white powder and pours it into the sink:

"If that doesn't work after a week, call me."

* * *

><p>Ratchet, inspecting Grimlock's blackened tongue:<p>

"So what happened to you?"

"Nothing; Grimlock just spilled the bottle of vodka on the asphalt."

* * *

><p>Ratchet, drunk during work:<p>

"Tracks! What the hell do you think you are doing? No! If you are sick, at least pretend that you are sick! Come on! Bend your knees! Bend down a little bit and energetically moan!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Here is a painkiller- this is for your headaches, this is for your depression …"

Arcee:

"You got anything other than vodka?"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Ratchet! I can't stop shaking!"

"Did you quit drinking?"

"No, I decided to though."

"Your organism is scared!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Hope you enjoyed it!**

**I understand that some of the jokes can be unpleasant for some people but come on! I try to branch out into everything at least to a certain little extent, there are all sorts of different humors and if you do not like some kinds, doesn't mean everybody else hates it too! Different people have different ideas of comedy! Be nice and tolerant! No need to be hatin' on one 'notheh, bros~ besides most of this stuff is just on paper, not like most of this stuff happens in real life ... well, in my experience it does but then again I am a little bit of a freak of nature! Yay!**

**You know what I miss? Jetfire and Jetstorm jokes ... I want those back but I can't come up with any more material for those two!**

**Don't be shy and leave a comment!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for reviewing and editing!**


	24. Chapter 24

**_Little Tragedies, Issue 24_**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Issue 24 is out people!**

**What amazes me is the lack of reviews on this ...**

**Well, either case, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! May all of your wishes come true and the year of 2012 bring you lots of happiness and joy!**

**I will probably post another Issue but I am not too sure. I will definitely work on my fanfiction on the 25th if I have any time or on my way back to Toronto during the 5 hour ride from Ottawa!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"Ratchet! Look! My genitalia is all blue!"

"Oh, damn! We gotta amputate!"

After the procedure. Ratchet:

"… what if his jeans were fading …"

* * *

><p>Tracks calls Ratchet:<p>

"Ratchet! Frenzy swallowed a pen!"

"I am coming."

Tracks hangs up and looks at Frenzy:

"What do we do now?"

Rumble:

"We write with a pencil."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Ravage saved my life!"

Soundwave:

"How?"

"She didn't let Ratchet come in the house."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy! Guess what happened at kindergarten today!"

Tracks:

"What?"

"They were giving shots to everyone!"

"Weren't you two scared?"

"No! They never caught us!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave:<p>

"Drink! Drink!"

Flipsides:

"Daddy! What are you doing?"

"I am preparing you for prom!"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy, praying on the night after having written an exam:<p>

"Please, let London be the capital city of France!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Hot Rod, eat these nails."

Hot Rod eats the nails and shortly begins to whine in pain.

Ratchet:

"Huh... All right, allergic to nails."

* * *

><p>Smokescreen sits at a table facing an empty chair:<p>

"So, when did the hallucinations begin?"

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first surgeries. Ratchet:<p>

"Patient, why are you running away?"

"The nurse said that removing the appendix is easy!"

"Yeah! She said it to make you feel safer!"

"No! She said it to the Professor!"

* * *

><p>A play at the theatre; the audience is quiet, focusing on the play. Suddenly, Ratchet:<p>

"Doctor! Is there a doctor here!"

First Aid, from another part of the room:

"I am a doctor!"

"Dear colleague! What the frag are they showing us?"

* * *

><p>One day Ratchet went on a hunt. When he got back; Mirage:<p>

"So how did it go?"

"I didn't manage to kill anything! That's it, I am staying at the hospital next time."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Ratchet! I can sleep at night!"

"Oh? So I am guessing my sleeping pills I prescribed you worked!"

"I just gave them to Arcee!"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Ratchet! You gotta help me out of here!"

"What seems to be the problem?"

"I snore really loudly!"

"What, you can't sleep?"

"No, I can sleep."

"Girlfriend?"

"No."

"Boyfriend?"

"No, I am single!"

"Then what?"

"This is the fifth job I got fired at!"

* * *

><p>First Aid:<p>

"So, Red Alert, how did the surgery go?"

"Oh, it was fine until Ratchet said a four letter word right before I passed out."

"What?"

"Oops."

* * *

><p>Ratchet's first surgeries. A patient was admitted with a very heavy case. After a few hours of discussing the case, Ratchet, The Professor and First Aid come back. Patient:<p>

"Well?"

Ratchet:

"We are gonna need to remove one of your lungs."

"What? Why?"

The Professor:

"So that your liver would fit …"

* * *

><p>Red Alert, shyly:<p>

"Um, Ratchet, I think that a friend of mine is sick with STCD (sexually transmitted Cybertronian diseases)."

"All right, take off your pants and show me your friend."

* * *

><p>Years after, Ratchet and First Aid, old, talk about interesting things from their medical practice. Ratchet:<p>

"I had a case a long time ago, seemingly a hopeless case, nothing I did worked and yet there you go! Ten years and he still lives!"

First Aid:

"Yes, when you want to live, medicine is useless."

* * *

><p>Red Alert:<p>

"Ratchet! I have panic attacks!"

"Maybe you should go to Smokescreen …"

"Who is Smokescreen?"

"The psychologist."

"Then what the hell do you do?"

"I am a surgeon."

"WHAT?"

"I cut people up and …"

"AAAAAHHHH!"

* * *

><p>Red Alert, waking up in the hospital:<p>

"What the hell happened?"

"You were in a car crash."

"Where am I?"

"In a hospital … for the most part …"

* * *

><p>First Aid:<p>

"Hello! I am the free doctor!"

Huffer:

"Hello! I am the incurable patient!"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school. The Professor:<p>

"All right, Ratchet, watch and learn. Next!"

Patient:

"Hello doctor."

"So what seems to be the problem?"

"Oh, this, this and this."

"All right, here is a cup, fill it up with your urine."

"Um, all right."

The Professor takes the filled cup, examines the urine, smells it and suddenly throws the cup in the patient's face. Patient:

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

"Well, your urine is fine but your nerves are not …"

* * *

><p>A sign on Smokescreen's door:<p>

"Want to spit on someone's soul? Ask me how!"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school. The Professor runs in, optics wide open, screaming:<p>

"Ratchet! We lost a patient!"

"What? How did they die?"

"They didn't die! They got better and left!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Here is your medicine, take three tea spoons a day."

Hot Rod:

"But I only have two tea spoons!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee told me that she will go cook something nice."

Iron Hide:

"And?"

"And we both laughed."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Grimlock found out that I am cheating on him!"

Iron Hide:

"Don't worry, he is a strong man!"

"That's what I am afraid of!"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"You know Optimus, every single time I hang out with Arcee, I am happy."

"Really? How come?"

"I am happy that she is not my wife."

* * *

><p>Rodimus:<p>

"What's worse than Friday the 13th?"

Ultra Magnus:

"Mondays."

"The 13th?"

"Any Monday."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"… and then I told Hot Rod that I don't want to see him!"

Elita One:

"What did he do?"

"He turned off the light …"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"Optimus, why are all your frying pans without handles?"

"Arcee is a tennis player …"

* * *

><p>Bluestreak:<p>

"Prowl, what's your pay?"

"1500."

"Weak."

"A day."

"Still weak."

"In Euros."

"BITCH!"

* * *

><p>Arcee in a bus:<p>

"Let the pregnant woman sit!"

Hot Rod:

"But you don't have the belly!"

"It has been a few minutes …"

* * *

><p>Red Alert's dream:<p>

Red Alert's heart walks into the room and asks:

"I am sorry I didn't knock …"

* * *

><p>First Aid:<p>

"In homeostasis of the body, everything always fluctuate between certain values. There is only one line that is flat …"

Ratchet:

"And guess what, Hot Rod! You are about to get it!"

* * *

><p>Swindle:<p>

"Yeah, I tried looking for a wife."

Blitzwing:

"How?"

"I posted a note in the newspaper and got a huge load of letters!"

"Whoa! Really?"

"Yeah but most of them said 'Take mine' …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, comes for an interview with two suitcases. Rodimus:<p>

"Grimlock, why the suitcases?"

Grimlock puts one of them on the table, opens it up, there are 50 kilograms of steel in it. He smacks his head into it and the steel breaks.

"Oh! Wow! Grimlock! Amazing! What's in the second one?"

"Galvatron."

* * *

><p>Ratchet's healing methods:<p>

Back on Cybertron – here, eat this, I have no idea what it is but it will make you feel better.

On Earth, 1980's – pray.

1990's – drink this.

2000's – take these pills.

2010's – eat these antibiotics.

2020's – here, eat this, I have no idea what it is but it will make you feel better.

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"He who risks does not drink Champagne … after vodka …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock calls up Springer:<p>

"Springer, what you doing?"

"Sorry buddy, I am sick."

"Steam potatoes and breathe in the vapors from under the blanket. Also you could take some vodka and appetizers and you don't need to go to sauna!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Hope you enjoyed it!**

**Well, not much to tell, so far, this is pretty much half way through all the Issues I wrote, there are 46 at the moment ... been 46 for a while actually ... but do not worry, more is underway!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for reviewing and editing!**


	25. Chapter 25

**_Little Tragedies, Issue 25_**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Issue 25!**

**I know I haven't updated in a very long time, holidays get extremely busy, I am sure all of you know.**

**I got a whole bunch of stuff to post and I hope I will manage to get it all up as soon as possible. Still loads of stuff to take care of in the New Year! Hope everybody have a good one!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Frenzy:<p>

"Hey! Rumble! Let's buy mommy a lighter!"

"Mommy doesn't smoke."

"Oh, what if we buy her green pants, a yellow shirt, a blue hat …"

"And you shouldn't smoke either …"

* * *

><p>Shockblast:<p>

"I do not like the new i-phone."

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Why not?"

"I don't have enough money for it!"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"I do not believe that castrated cats live longer than non-castrated."

Soundwave:

"Inquiry: how come?"

"Why live longer?"

* * *

><p>Shockblast:<p>

"Yeah, Ultra Magnus and me had a fight."

Rumble and Frenzy:

"How did it end?"

"Oh, he told me everything he thought and left but we are ok."

"What do you mean?"

"He didn't delete me off his friends list on Pawbook."

* * *

><p>Shockwave:<p>

"What is the book that changed your life for ever?"

Swindle:

"The Criminal Code."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Springer hasn't slept in 17 days while on guard duty of our warehouse and yet the energy drinks keep on disappearing!"

* * *

><p>Megatron and Straxus are playing golf. Straxus for already a whole thirty minutes goes around the ball, measuring wind speed, aiming and so on. Megatron:<p>

"Are you going to hit the ball or not?"

"I will, I just want it to be perfect because my wife came."

"Do you seriously think you will get her from this distance?"

* * *

><p>Tracks in a store:<p>

"Excuse me, you did not give me the change!"

Bumblebee:

"I forgive you."

* * *

><p>Ratchet is solving a cross-word puzzle:<p>

"Hm, four letters; an accessory on a fembot's body."

Starscream:

"Tits!"

"Ring, you moron!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Kids, who can count down from 20?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"20, 19, 18, 17 …"

"Did you learn how to do that in kinder garden?"

"No, watching the microwave."

* * *

><p>Megatron calls up Straxus and Shockwave:<p>

"We have a problem: people are no longer buying our drugs!"

Straxus:

"Why?"

Shockwave:

"How can this be?"

Megatron:

"They drink alcohol …"

* * *

><p>Shockblast:<p>

"Dad found out that I smoke."

Rumble and Frenzy:

"And?"

"And he made me smoke a whole pack."

"Now what?"

"Now I am waiting for him to find out that I drink …"

* * *

><p>A mech, hangover, crawls on the ground:<p>

"Kids! Where does Ultra Magnus live?"

"But you are Ultra Magnus!"

"Yes! And I don't know where I live!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Hey, Prowl, do you sleep at work or at home?'

"I don't quite know myself."

"They say that the person lives where they have the power cord to their laptop."

"I have mine with me all the time."

"Oh, you are homeless?"

* * *

><p>Prowl, as a joke, posted this ad in a newspaper:<p>

"A psychic wanted, you know where to go."

* * *

><p>Red Alert is taking a walk in a park during a marvelous evening when he runs into Starscream. Red Alert:<p>

"Ah! Starscream! Do you like evening parks too?"

"Yes."

"Are you a romantic?"

"No, sexual maniac."

* * *

><p>Red Alert's diary:<p>

8 : 00 a.m. – I stopped a Decepticon sabotage act by cutting two very suspicious wires.

8 : 05 a.m. – Mouse and keyboard don't work for some reason.

* * *

><p>Before Iron Hide and Chromia left from their vacation, Iron Hide picked a wall and wrote on it:<p>

"Was here with my wife, it was awesome. Iron Hide."

Later that year they come back to the spot and see that someone else added something:

"Was here without my wife, it is much better. Optimus Prime."

* * *

><p>Prowl asks Gepetto:<p>

"How did you manage to control Pinocchio?"

"Wi-Fi."

* * *

><p>Tracks, praying:<p>

"Make me beautiful and dumb! Beautiful so that people would like me and dumb so that I would like them."

* * *

><p>Hound and Mirage went mountain climbing when Hound suddenly fell in a cave. Mirage:<p>

"Hound! Are you alive?"

"Yes!"

"Legs?"

"Good!"

"Arms?"

"All good!"

"All right! Climb up!"

"I can't!"

"Why not?"

"I am still falling!"

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"Hey, Optimus, do you dream often about fembots?"

"I can't sleep because of them."

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"In order for the UN to successfully fight the drug usage, they need Russia to teach people how to drink."

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Arcee comes to the door:<p>

"Hello?"

Prowl, supporting Kup, drunk, with his shoulder:

"You wanted a plumber?"

"Um, yes."

"Where do you want him?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"You go to the gym and work off those calories, unsuspecting that they are waiting for you at home in a fridge."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Would you like a cup of coffee or a jigger of Cognac?"

Kup:

"A cup of Cognac."

* * *

><p>Kup and Springer got really drunk. Kup:<p>

"I was chosen by God!"

Springer:

"No! I was!"

"No! I was!"

"No! I was!"

"Ok, let's go ask this guy. Hey! Who was chosen by God?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"I didn't choose anyone …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Who lost 10 bucks?"

No response.

"Who lost 10 bucks?"

Nothing.

"Who lost 10 bucks?"

Arcee:

"I think I did."

"Then go look for them!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, driving drunk, comes across a traffic light and stands in front of it for a while as it kept switching the lights. Springer:<p>

"Grimlock! Why aren't you going?"

"Lights too fast!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Mom! What did you add into the soup?"

"Oh! Sorry, we didn't have any water so I took some of your water bottles and poured it from there, hic! Whoa! The room is spinning!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock and Kup, both drunk, crouching on the railways. Kup:<p>

"This ladder is very long!"

Grimlock:

"Look! The elevator is coming!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock and Kup, drunk, in a forest, hid in the bushes. Prowl:<p>

"What are you guys doing …"

Grimlock:

"SHH! You will scare away the strawberries!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, is sitting at a sandbox and is poking the sand with a stick. Kup:<p>

"Grimlock, what are you doing?"

"Grimlock scare away sharks!"

"I don't see any sharks!"

"Then Grimlock do good job!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, hears knocking on the door:<p>

"Who is there?"

"Police!'

"Why are you here?"

"We need to talk."

"How many of you are there?"

"Two."

"Then talk to each other!"

* * *

><p>Blitzwing:<p>

"Yesterday I got Ravage drunk."

Astrotrain:

"And what happened?"

"It sat with me and laughed!'

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"You are not a drug, you are not a drug."

"Yes, I know I am not a drug."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Hey, Grimlock, guess what it is! It starts on 'ele' and ends on 'vator', what is it?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"A frog."

"How did you know? You knew all along!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Grimlock! Tell me a letter from 1 to 10."

Grimlock, drunk:

"What are you talking about? Wednesdays are from Mexico!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Is the vodka good?"

Arcee:

"I don't know, I drank 130 liters yesterday; felt like slag on the next morning."

* * *

><p>Iron Hide, drunk, hits his head on the lamp post:<p>

"Chromia! Open the door!"

"Hits his head on the lamp post again:

"Chromia! Open the door!"

Prowl:

"What is going on here?"

Iron Hide, pointing at the lamp post:

"Prowl! Open the door!"

* * *

><p>Perceptor, drunk:<p>

"We recently made a number of experiments. Rum with ice hurts your liver, vodka with ice: your brain. Whiskey with ice, your heart; and scotch with ice, your muscles. Conclusion, ice is a very dangerous thing!"

* * *

><p>Kup comes to a store:<p>

"Excuse me, would it be possible for me to exchange a greater evil for something smaller?"

"How is that?"

"I want to exchange money for vodka."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"So yesterday I am going home from work when I suddenly hear a voice telling me to stop walking."

Hot Rod:

"What did you do?"

"What walking? I was barely crawling!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, Kup, Springer and Hot Rod are drinking. Hot Rod got drunk and fell unconscious on the ground, face into a pile of mud. Grimlock:<p>

"This why Grimlock love Hot Rod! Always knows when to stop!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! Why are your eyes black? Were you drinking again?"

"No! I fell asleep on the glasses!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Grimlock! How can you drink so much?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"It has been many years and I still hope that it will go away on its own free will."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Cocktail 'Three Little Pigs.", ingredients – a huge bottle of vodka and two of your friends."

* * *

><p>Grimlock:<p>

"How much does a drop of vodka cost?"

"Nothing."

"Then drop me a glass of vodka."

* * *

><p>Kup and Grimlock got drunk on a mushroom collecting trip. Kup sees an Ick-Yak, throws his bottle at it. He was hoping it would run. It did run but at him so Kup ran away. Grimlock, turns to the Ick-Yak:<p>

"It wasn't me!"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Arcee! Stop drinking so much!"

"Aw! Are you worried about my health?"

"No! You are drinking my sake!'

* * *

><p>Hot Rod and Springer walk down the street, both on hangovers. Hot Rod, grabbing his head:<p>

"What the hell happened last night?"

Springer, trembling:

"Amnesia? Lucky you!"

* * *

><p>Optimus comes home, drunk, knocks on the door. Arcee:<p>

"Who is there?"

"Elita One! Open the door!"

"I am not Elita one!"

"Chromia! Open the door!"

"I am not Chromia!"

"Wife! Maybe we will play 'Names' later?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Grimlock! There are 8 moons!"

Grimlock, drunk:

"No! 7!"

"Fine, let's go ask Prowl."

Kup:

"How many moons are there?"

Prowl, drunk:

"In which row?"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"What will happen if you drink a lot of vodka?"

Kup, drunk:

"After tomorrow."

* * *

><p>Optimus, drunk:<p>

"Ahahahahaah! Wow! Amazing!"

Aree, drunk:

"Hey! Let me talk to the lamp now!"

* * *

><p>Kup, hungover, wakes up and sees a baby Ick-Yak sleeping on his chest:<p>

"What the … an Ick-Yak?"

Ick-Yak:

"Yes, too few squirrels to cover everyone."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Prowl! Why did you stop me?" I wanted to get back home before the vodka took any effect!"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Grimlock! We are gonna go hiking tomorrow!"

Grimlock:

"Need to pack anything warm?"

"Yes, bring six bottles."

Kup and Grimlock come back. Springer:

"So what did you guys do this time?"

"We went to an alcohol free festival."

"Then why do you stink of alcohol?"

"We arrived there already drunk."

* * *

><p>Prowl, picking up a drunk Kup:<p>

"Can you walk?"

"Walk, no. Drink, yes!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Hey, Springer, wanna go drink?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I quit."

"Why?"

"Do you remember last summer?"

"Yes."

"I don't."

* * *

><p>Scrapper:<p>

"I didn't sleep the whole night!"

Hook:

"Why not?"

"I was spinning the whole night!"

"Drunk?"

"That and I got into Mixmaster's mixer …"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"What did you guys do yesterday?"

Grimlock, hungover:

"We drank."

"What did you have?"

"Money."

* * *

><p>Rodimus, raging and hungover, after a company party:<p>

"Damn! Nobody can show up!"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Recently there was a world wide contest of who drinks more."

Perceptor:

"Who won? The Russians?"

"Third place went to The Decepticons, second place went to …"

"Russians?"

"… Finland, first place went to …"

"Russians?"

"… Canada."

"What about the Russians?"

"Will you relax? The Russians were the jury!"

* * *

><p>Kup, hungover:<p>

"… so I wake up on the carpet that is hanging off a wall …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"You know you drank too much when mosquitoes die from sucking your blood."

* * *

><p>Springer, hungover:<p>

"I think I will try to quit drinking."

Kup:

"Why?"

"Every time I drink some alcohol, another person awakens inside me and wants to drink more."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"How do you get your happiness?"

Kup, drunk:

"Slowly."

"How come?"

"Alcohol takes time to take effect."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"There is no need to look for a reason to drink on Friday. Friday is already a reason to drink!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Issue 25! I hope you liked it!**

**I recently wrote Issue 47! Little Tragedies are still alive! Rejoice!**

**So I recently got into Groove Coverage and by recently I mean as I am typing these things in, that band is pretty damn awesome! Next on my list is Breaking Benjamin! XD**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing and laughing!**


	26. Chapter 26

_**Little Tragedies, Issue 26**_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Issue 26!**

**So my ride to Ottawa was quite fun, well, it wasn't as fun as my stay there!**

**On my way there I saw a sign which said "You just crossed Lake Mississipi" ... I was tripping balls ... made a ragecomic about it ... I am not sure if posting it on DA would be appropriate, I will need to look into that ... but other than that, it was really nice! Did you know that they don't have subway in Ottawa? It's true! It's all buses and stuff!**

**You know what cartoon I like? Boondocks! Three seasons ... too bad no information on season 4 ... I like Jazmine, especially Sarah! I am not sure how to feel about Thungnificent ... Huey is great! Uncle is ... well ... a little cliche and sometimes very predictable but he is still a funny character! Riley is nice ... he made me facepalm a whole lotta times!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>In a public chatroom:<p>

"Porn."

"Skankticons."

"Autosluts."

Wheeljack:

"Straxus, this is a public chat room, not a search engine."

* * *

><p>Swindle's girlfriend:<p>

"At first I found him through the Internet. Now I am looking for him through The Inter-paw-l."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy talking over the phone:<p>

"Hey, Shockblast, how is the weather?"

"Don't know, Internet doesn't work."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy come to Tracks:<p>

"Mommy! Do you know what opera is?"

"Yes, it is a browser."

"No! It's when everybody sings!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"So, Soundwave, how many kids do you have?"

"Three."

"How old are they?"

Soundwave, after a few seconds of thinking:

"Two of them play video games and the other one doesn't."

* * *

><p>Swindle:<p>

"Hey! Soundwave! Do you have naked pictures of Tracks?"

"Negative."

"You want some?"

* * *

><p>Megatron:<p>

"Starscream, here is thousand dollars; go buy yourself a pair of elegant shoes."

"… but I don't know how much they will cost!"

"Now you do."

* * *

><p>Tracks and Soundwave are in bed. Tracks:<p>

"Call me something cute."

"Bunny."

"Cuter."

"Horde of bunnies."

* * *

><p>Tracks and Soundwave are in a huge fight. Tracks is beating Soundwave and he throws himself under the bed. Tracks, trying to reach him with a broom:<p>

"Get out from under the bed!"

"Negative!"

"Get out of there now!"

"Negative!"

"I SAID GET OUT OF THERE!"

"Negative! Who is the head of the household? I am! I said I am not getting out from under here, so I won't!"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"After we got married, Soundwave and me had so much, um, 'fun', the whole apartment was shaking!"

Wheeljack:

"Who was the first to throw in the towel?"

"Our neighbors …"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Soap opera!"

Soundwave:

"Soccer!"

"Soap opera!"

"Soccer!"

"Soap opera!"

"Soccer!"

"Sex!"

"Screw soccer."

* * *

><p>Tracks went with Soundwave to a Charrball match. They already sat down, the game began when Soundwave noticed a young couple fooling around. Soundwave:<p>

"I have no idea what I should look at, these two or the game."

"Look at them, you know everything about Charrball."

* * *

><p>Tracks to Soundwave, who is reading a newspaper:<p>

"Soundwave! You can stop saying 'uh-huh, yeah, right, I understand', I stopped talking an hour ago."

* * *

><p>Megatron and Starscream just got married and they sat in a carriage. One of the Ick-Yaks tripped over a stone, making the whole carriage violently shake. Megatron:<p>

"One."

A few minutes later, the same thing happens again. Megatron:

"Two."

A few minutes later, the same thing happens again. Megatron:

"Three."

The Ick-Yak trips over again, Megatron takes out a gun and shoots it. Starscrea:

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT? HOW COULD YOU?"

Megatron:

"One."

* * *

><p>For years, each time Tracks and Soundwave got into a fight, Tracks would eventually storm off to somewhere and later could be found, smiling, reading a magazine in one of the chairs. Soundwave, very puzzled by this, tried to figure out but finally he gave up and asked Tracks about it:<p>

"Inquiry: How do you do it?"

"Oh, easy, love! After each fight I just clean the toilet with your toothbrush …"

* * *

><p>Tracks and Soundwave are fighting when suddenly Tracks takes a piece of paper, writes down ten digits and gives it to Soundwave. Soundwave:<p>

"Inquiry: what is this?"

"You called me a prostitute! Here is your bill!"

* * *

><p>Tracks and Soundwave are fighting. Soundwave:<p>

"You started it first!"

"No! You finished first!"

* * *

><p>Swindle:<p>

"Hey, Lockdown, you still didn't tell me those words that bind people together!"

"Which ones?"

"I will buy you."

* * *

><p>After their first night, Tracks and Soundwave are eating breakfast. Tracks:<p>

"You eat like a rabbit too …"

* * *

><p>Tracks and Soundwave are taking an elevator with Slipstream, when suddenly she turns to Soundwave and hits him on the face as hard as she can:<p>

"How dare you? In front of your wife too!"

And storms out. Soundwave:

"Tracks! I swear I didn't …"

Tracks:

"I know, it was me."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy, come back from a year in university. Hungry, they open up the fridge and see a picture of a fembot from "Playmech". Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mom, why is there a picture of Arcee from Playmech in our fridge?"

"Well, I was trying to lose weight. Every single time I looked at her figure, I always think that this is the figure I want."

"Does it work?"

"Yes, it does, I lost five kilograms!"

"Wow, so it works!"

"It has side effects. Your father gained 10 kilograms …"

* * *

><p>Megatron calls up Soundwave:<p>

"Hey, Soundwave, come over! There is a fancy party here!"

"I can't! Tracks won't let me!"

"Then sneak out!"

"Inquiry: and how do I get out of the cuffs then?"

* * *

><p>Soundwave comes home from work when he sees Tracks with a huge sign saying:<p>

"I am not talking to you."

Soundwave shrugs and goes on to watch Charrball game. Tracks stands between him and the TV with a sign:

"Do you know why?"

* * *

><p>Soundwave gets back from work:<p>

"Inquiry: Tracks, is there anything to eat? Did you prepare anything?"

"Go check the fridge."

A few minutes later, Soundwave comes back with an ice tray filled with ice cubes:

"Inquiry: aw, sweetie! Did you cook this yourself?"

* * *

><p>For some time now, Soundwave has been coming back drunk from bars. Someone suggested Tracks, instead of screaming at him and getting into a fight, to welcome him with a smile. Soundwave comes back home, drunk, Tracks welcomes him, feeds him very delicious food, fooling around with him. Tracks:<p>

"Should we take this to the bed?"

Soundwave:

"No, Tracks will kill me as it is …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave, Tracks, Rumble and Frenzy went to the zoo. Soundwave left to get ice-cream as Tracks, Rumble and Frenzy stood at the cage with an Ick-Yak. Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy! What is this?"

"It's an Ick-Yak."

Rumble and Frenzy, pointing at its face:

"And what is that?"

"That is its' face."

Rumble and Frenzy, pointing lower:

"And what is this?"

"Those are its legs."

"No, lower."

"It's belly."

"No, lower."

"It's, um, no, it's nothing."

Soundwave comes back. Rumble and Frenzy:

"Dad, what is that?"

"Oh, those are its legs."

"No, lower."

"That's its belly."

"No, lower."

"That's its penis."

"But mommy said it was nothing!"

Soundwave, wistfully:

"Yeah, I have spoiled your mother …"

* * *

><p>Megatron, dressing for work:<p>

"Starscream, did you clean my blazer?"

"Yes."

"Did you clean my pants?"

"Yes."

"Did you clean my shoes?"

"You have pockets there too?"

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"What will you give me for my birthday?"

Megatron, calmly:

"I will rape you."

"And what if I will not give myself up like that?"

"Then you won't get your gift."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Rumble and Frenzy, when they were little, were so cute that I wanted to gobble them up!"

Wheeljack:

"And now?"

"And now I am sorry I didn't …"

* * *

><p>Megatron:<p>

"Starscream, what animal would you like to become with this whole reincarnation thing?"

"A dog!"

"So, you wouldn't want anything to change?"

* * *

><p>Megatron:<p>

"Starscream! Fetch me a beer!"

"What? What am I, a slave to you?"

"No! Sorry! I didn't mean it that way! You are a very special person to me, sweetie."

"Aw, thank you! Here is your beer."

Megatron, quietly mumbling to himself:

"Those damn slaves …"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Ravage is so smart, he always gets the newspapers!"

Soundwave:

"We didn't sign up for any newspapers."

Tracks, with a wide grin:

"I know."

* * *

><p>In a hospital, Tracks is giving birth, Soundwave is pacing in the hall. Ratchet:<p>

"Congratulations, Soundwave, you have a son!"

A few minutes later:

"Congratulations, Soundwave, you have another son!"

Soundwave, eager to see Tracks and his newborn sons entered into the room. The whole room is covered in blood, the nurses are running around, scared shitless. Ratchet:

"Turn off the light! They are crawling towards the light!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave, drunk:<p>

"Tracks! It is all your fault! You send me to a Parent-Teacher meeting without telling me which school are sons are in!"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy, asking Soundwave about Tracks' begin pregnant again:<p>

"Daddy! Who did you want? A boy or a girl?"

"I wanted to have fun …"

* * *

><p>Flipsides:<p>

"Mommy, who is this person?"

"This is your daddy."

"Why are his eyes red?"

"He connected to the Internet."

* * *

><p>Tracks at a fancy party:<p>

"I never had the pleasure of being introduced to your wife."

Megatron:

"Are you sure it will be a pleasure?"

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"Megatron wants to know where does all the money go …"

Tracks:

"Why don't you tell him?"

"If I tell him, he will kill me."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy, why does daddy have so little hair on his head?"

"Because he thinks a lot."

"Then why do you have so much hair on yours?"

"Eat your dinner quietly."

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"Let's have sex on the floor!"

Megatron:

"Why?"

"I want to feel something hard!"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Rumble, Frenzy, would you two be so kind to bring me a few plates?"

"Are we gonna eat, mommy?"

"No, I need to talk to your dad."

* * *

><p>Soundwave, rubbing his neck:<p>

"Guys! My neck hurts like hell!"

Kup:

"Why?"

"Well, I came home, my neck is all sore so Tracks proposed he would rub alcohol over it."

"And? What does your neck have to do with anything?"

"You know how hard it is to lick the alcohol off your back?"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Soundwave! Jump me like a wild animal!"

"Affirmative!"

"Talk dirty to me!"

"Sink, dishes, shoes …"

* * *

><p>Tracks in the middle of the night, mischievously:<p>

"Soundwave! Take me!"

"Relax, I am not going anywhere …"

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"Megatron, March the 8th is coming …"

Megatron, choking on his coffee:

"What? Again?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Prowl is taking a shortcut through a cemetery; it is dark, misty, and he suddenly hears strange noises.<p>

"No, there are no such things as ghosts, right?"

He finally sees an old man with tools, carving something on one of the tomb stones. Prowl, jokingly:

"Hey! Scared me there for a second! I thought you were a ghost! What are you doing anyway?"

"I am fixing the tombstone."

"Oh, ok."

"They got my name wrong."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee! What is the password for the computer?"

"The date of our marriage."

"… crap …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"What to do if the computer broke?"

Red Alert:

"Panic."

Swindle:

"Sell it."

Wheeljack:

"Pretend like it was supposed to happen."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Hey, Wheeljack, would you mind looking at my printer?"

"Eh? How come?"

"When I read jokes online, they are funny but when I print them out, they are not!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"My computer has Vista on it."

Wheeljack:

"Right."

"It doesn't work that well."

"You already said that."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod is sitting at a computer when suddenly a message pops up on the monitor:<p>

"Press ten buttons on the keyboard and I will show you naked pictures of Ultra Magnus."

Hot Rod presses ten buttons. Monitor:

"Good! Now keep holding them down or I will format your computer …"

* * *

><p>Optimus opened up a bottle and a genie came out of it. Genie:<p>

"What is your wish?"

"I want peace in the universe!"

"This is too hard for me to do, wish for something else."

"I wish Arcee was beautiful."

"What was it you were saying about peace?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"My keyboard doesn't work."

Wheeljack:

"Coffee?"

"Tea."

"Sugar?"

"No."

"Milk?"

"No."

"Then it's fine."

* * *

><p>Wheeljack:<p>

"That's it! I am starting a new life!"

Springer:

"What? Stopped drinking?"

"No! Changed user name, e-mail and password."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Hot Rod, want to come over?"

"Isn't Optimus at home?"

"No, he is in the Internet."

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"Hey, Wheeljack! What are you doing?"

"Writing a program."

"What does it do?"

"I don't know, let's turn it on and find out …"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"The vacation was awesome if you forgot your password to your computer station."

* * *

><p>Wheeljack:<p>

"I am looking for Mac fans."

Springer:

"Why?"

"To kill them."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Hey, Springer, why are you so sad?"

"I got robbed."

"Did you try the police?"

"Yeah, it wasn't Prowl."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"You have the right to remain silent, everything you say can be used against you."

Tracks:

"Naked Soundwave."

"WHAT?"

"Use naked Soundwave against me!"

* * *

><p>Red Alert over radio:<p>

"Prowl, this is Red Alert, there is a fight at the bar. Backup not needed, I will run away myself."

* * *

><p>Red Alert:<p>

"Prowl! Cliffjumper got drunk and is now beating up Bumblebee!"

"So?"

"He is running around with his guns, screaming that he will kill everyone!"

"So?"

"He also screams that all policemen are stupid!"

"I am coming!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Hey, guys, do you know why policemen always pair up? One of them can read, another can write."

Blitzwing:

"Show me your documents. Prowl, write down, Hot Rod."

* * *

><p>Arcee is coming to pick up the phone. Optimus:<p>

"I am not home."

"All right. Hello? Yes, he is here …"

"… but I asked you to …"

"It is not for you."

* * *

><p>Optimus' son:<p>

"Dad, what was wrong with mom?"

"Nothing, the problem was in me."

"What was it?"

"Too much hormones."

* * *

><p>Optimus and Arcee are in the middle of a huge fight. Arcee:<p>

"All right, fine, I am wrong but at least you could apologize!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Aren't bunnies dumb?"

Optimus:

"Yes, bunny."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Fembots are strange creatures. They are not satisfied with the simplest joys of life: your favorite team scoring, beer after work and fishing with your friends."

* * *

><p>Arcee, submitting some papers to the bank:<p>

"I am sorry that my husband's signature is a little all over the place. I did not expect him to get so scared with a gun pointed to his head …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee, when we are having sex, I think of other mechs."

"How dare you? Every single time I have sex with other mechs, I always think of you!"

* * *

><p>Middle of the night. Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, are you sleeping?"

"No."

"Then do you want to?"

Optimus, excited:

"Yes!"

"Then go sleep!"

* * *

><p>Arcee, bitching about the low quality of cotton on the new clothes:<p>

"You always get random crap!"

"Yeah, I started with you."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Iron Hide! You and Chromia have been together for over 10 years and you haven't cheated on her!"

"Well, there is a secret."

"What? Love and loyalty?"

"Porn sites and laziness."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Every year, Arcee keeps nagging me to buy her a fur coat."

Iron Hide:

"Why would she need so many fur coats for?"

"I don't know, never bought her a single one."

* * *

><p>Optimus and Arcee are sleeping, when they are suddenly woken up by Mirage and Hound upstairs, having sex. Optimus:<p>

"Let's jump on the bed and make it look like we are having sex!"

They jumped on the bed for a while and then went back to sleep. In the morning, Arcee put an empty plate in front of Optimus. Optimus:

"What?"

"Hit it with a spoon a few times and make it sound like you are eating …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, why do you always take a photo of me with you to work?"

"Because when I am in a bad situation or problems or just a bad day, I look at your photo and all becomes well …"

"Wow, I did not know that I had such an influence on you!"

"Because when I look at your photo I think to myself 'holy crap, what problems can be bigger than this?'."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, where did you put the 'How to lie forever', I can't find it anywhere?"

"I burned it; your mother was going to read it."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Why didn't you sleep at home?"

Optimus:

"For five years, every morning! Jeez!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Sweetie! Take out the garbage!"

Optimus:

"What? I can't hear anything!"

"Take out the garbage!"

"What did you say?"

"Take out the garbage!"

"No, not you! I am talking to the TV! I can't hear anything!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee, are you cooking something or did the cat poop somewhere?"

* * *

><p>Arcee, pointing at a treadmill:<p>

"Optimus! If you buy this, I will look like a high school girl!"

"Arcee, this is a treadmill, not a time machine."

* * *

><p>Smokecreen:<p>

"… Optimus, you gotta confront Arcee and show her who is boss!"

Optimus, back in his apartment:

"Arcee! I am the head of this household! Give me food! Now! Oh! And I am planning to go see a Charrball match with a few friends, then we are gonna go to a fancy party and I certainly hope you know who will do up my tie."

Arcee, calmly:

"Yes, a morgue employee."

* * *

><p>Huffer, after sex with Tracks:<p>

"… so I understand that I am not your first …"

Tracks, lighting up a cigarette:

"… and not the last …"

* * *

><p>Arcee went to the gym for a year and lost a few thousand dollars.<p>

After a huge fight, Arcee thought that she should make it up to Optimus so she undressed herself and laid on the bed. Optimus comes in, Arcee:

"Sweetie, come, I will make you the happiest mech in the cosmos …"

"Should I help you pack then?"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I understand the whole 'fembot logic' but why did Arcee have to drag me across the whole mall to show me a skirt she hated?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, am I perfect?"

"You are something more!"

"Really? Aw, by how much?"

"By a few tons …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, you are gaining weight! You gotta work out!"

"You are not a super model yourself."

"Yeah, well, I am a fembot, it is ok for me."

"And I am a malebot; I don't give a slag."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, before we got married you always ordered me a taxi and now we just take the subway! Why?"

"Because I am very happy with you; in the taxi, only the driver can see you but in the subway, thousands can."

* * *

><p>Arcee calls up Optimus:<p>

"Hey! Optimus! Where are you?"

"Hunting."

"Who is breathing so loud?"

"An Ick-Yak."

"Why is it moaning?"

"I wounded it."

"Why does it have a fembot's voice?"

"I am a hunter, not a veterinarian!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee made a religious mech out of me."

Iron Hide:

"What? How?"

"Before we got married, I never thought Hell was real."

* * *

><p>Arcee is walking down the street and keeps thinking of what a jerk Optimus Prime was to her when suddenly a genie appears in front of her. Genie:<p>

"I will grant you three wishes but remember, everything you wish for, Optimus will get twice more of."

"All right, first I want 100 million dollars, then I would like a mansion."

"Optimus now has 200 million dollars and two mansions. Your last wish?"

"Hm, I always wanted bigger breasts …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I read in a magazine that fembots say roughly five times more words than malebots. Do you think it is because we repeat a lot of what we say?"

Optimus:

"I am sorry, what?"

* * *

><p>Arcee walks in on Optimus Prime and Elita One having sex. Optimus Prime:<p>

"Arcee! Call the police! Can't you see I am being raped?"

Arcee:

"Why don't you stop drinking?"

Optimus:

"I have little willpower!"

"Oh, so to quit drinking you do not have the willpower to not have sex for two years?"

* * *

><p>Optimus ended up in a coma from extensive physical damage. Prowl:<p>

"Arcee, what happened?"

"You see, he picked me up from work, took me home, we dressed up, went out, had the greatest time of our lives, it was very romantic. Then we came home, he led me to the bed where there were lots of candles, undressed me, laid me on the bed and then he laughed, saying 'April Fools!'."

* * *

><p>Arcee to Optimus, drunk:<p>

"… and don't tell me that you were over at your friends' house! I spent a night there and you weren't there!"

* * *

><p>Optimus Prime:<p>

"Arcee! I won a hundred million dollars! Get your stuff!"

"Which ones? Summer or winter?"

"All of it and get out."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I met my wife during a party."

Iron Hide:

"Oh, wow, really?"

"Yeah, wow. I thought she was home with the kids."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Once we get married, you can tell me how many men you've been with!"

Arcee:

"You won't get mad?"

"No."

"Seven."

"I am the seventh?"

"No, you are the fourth."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee wants a threesome! This is outrageous!"

Mirage:

"Well, do not reject the idea, this may a great experience."

"I am not included in it!"

* * *

><p>Prowl is on a patrol in Russia, sees a sign on one of the nursery homes:<p>

"Give birth to two kids, get a third one for free!"

* * *

><p>Optimus got tired of Arcee's cat so he put it in a bag, drove to another area and let him free only to have the cat come back the next day. This happened a few times. Finally, Optimus drove off very far and left the cat there. A few minutes later, he sees that he cannot find the road back home so he calls up Arcee:<p>

"Hey! Is the cat home?"

"Yes, I am petting him right now."

"Get. Him. On. The. Phone."

* * *

><p>Megatron:<p>

"So, Arcee had a choice in marriage between me and Optimus Prime."

Blitzwing:

"So, who is the lucky guy?"

"I am."

* * *

><p>Arcee to Ratchet, after Optimus going through a serious surgery:<p>

"Is there hope?"

Ratchet:

"Depends on what you want …"

* * *

><p>Arcee walks into the bathroom and sees that Optimus is weighing himself, trying to push his belly in. Arcee:<p>

"You think that will help?"

"Well, I gotta see the scales …"

* * *

><p>Elita One:<p>

"All men are pigs! They don't miss a single skirt!"

Arcee:

"Some of them don't even have sex if I throw myself at them!"

"WHAT? BULLSHIT!"

"I speak from personal experience!"

* * *

><p>In the apartment next to Optimus and Arcee, a baby keeps screaming in the middle of the night. Arcee:<p>

"Hey, you want to make one too?"

"Yeah, for revenge!"

* * *

><p>Economical crisis. Kup comes home, sad. Springer:<p>

"Kup, what's wrong?"

"I got paid."

* * *

><p>Optimus' cookbook, omelet:<p>

"Arcee! I am hungry!"

* * *

><p>Optimus is going to the bathroom to take a shower as Arcee, wearing only a towel, exits, when the doorbell rings. Arcee:<p>

"Go, I will take this."

So Optimus hops into the shower and Arcee opens the door. Hot Rod:

"Hey, Arcee, oh, wow, I will give you a thousand dollars if you take off the towel."

After a few seconds of thinking, Arcee drops the towel, Hot Rod gives her eight hundred and leaves. Arcee picks up the towel. Optimus, coming out of the shower:

"Who was that?"

"Oh, that was Hot Rod."

"Did he mention anything about the thousand he owes me?"

* * *

><p>Optimus had an accident in bed. Arcee:<p>

"Oh, dear! What happened?"

"I must have had a horrible nightmare."

"Oh, dear! I would have died on the spot!"

"Yeah but I am a man!"

* * *

><p>Arcee, pregnant:<p>

"What if our first born is a Decepticon with two heads?"

Optimus, freaking out:

"BY THE MATRIX!"

In the hospital, Optimus is pacing. Ratchet comes out:

"Optimus, your son is …"

"A Decepticon with two heads?"

"No, with one."

"OH THANK GOD!"

* * *

><p>Optimus got back from his trip to Italy and is showing pictures from it. Arcee, seeing the Tower of Piza:<p>

"I knew you got drunk!"

* * *

><p>Arcee, hangover, woke up and went to look at herself in the mirror. After a few minutes she turns her head to a sleeping Optimus and says:<p>

"Ha! Loser!"

* * *

><p>Arcee to Optimus who just came home:<p>

"Why is there lipstick on your face?"

"It's not lipstick, it is blood, I got assaulted and mugged."

Arcee, squinting:

"You got lucky this time …"

* * *

><p>Optimus gets home and sees Arcee with another mech in bed. Optimus throws Hot Rod out from the 18th floor, screaming:<p>

"IF I SEE YOU AGAIN, I WILL KILL YOU!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I will write 'Optimus is a moron' on my bed so that everybody will know!"

* * *

><p>Arcee's dairy:<p>

Things to do:

1) Fight with Optimus Prime

2) Shopping.

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I gave up drinking, smoking and my wife!"

Iron Hide:

"Why did you give up Arcee?"

"She didn't deserve this happiness!"

* * *

><p>Arcee accidentally dropped a kettle of soup on herself. Arcee:<p>

"Oh, crap! I look like a pig!"

Optimus:

"And you got soup all over you!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! You are a loser in life! You are a loser in sex! You are loser at work!" Optimus:

"Hey!"

"If there was 'The Biggest Loser Contest' you would come second!"

"What? Why?"

"Because you are a loser!"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Your marital status?"

Optimus

"Married."

"Your material status?"

"Do I have to repeat myself?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I decided to go to a monastery and stay there."

Optimus:

"What, I am supposed to go there for food every time now?"

* * *

><p>Optimus' son:<p>

"Dad, can I go to this party?"

"Yeah, sure, if you see your mom tell her to come back."

* * *

><p>Red Alert ended up in prison. Inferno came to visit him:<p>

"Red Alert, I am sorry, I cheated on you."

"I did too."

"I swear I didn't want to!"

Red Alert, crying:

"Neither did I!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Hey, Arcee."

"What?"

"I think that with every year that we are together, you become nicer to me."

"What the fuck are you talking about, dumbass?"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Optimus! Your hair looks catastrophic! Are you doing anything to save it?"

"Yes, I am getting divorced …"

* * *

><p>Arcee, after gutting the 20th fish:<p>

"Optimus, I am asking you nicely, drink when you fish!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I am married twice unhappily."

Iron Hide:

"How?"

"Elita One left me and Arcee won't."

* * *

><p>Optimus Prime:<p>

"Arcee left me for my best friend."

Ultra Magnus:

"I thought I was your best friend!"

"Now Hot Rod is."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, what are you thinking about?"

Optimus:

"Nothing."

"Oh! I am thinking about nothing too! Let's think about nothing together!"

"It's easier for you, you have no brain."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee! It says in the paper that there is an outbreak of bird flu!"

"And?"

"Be careful with your chicken brains."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Where were you Optimus?"

"Fishing with some friends."

"Did you catch anything?"

Optimus, nervously:

"I hope not …"

* * *

><p>Red Alert and Hot Rod sit in the car. Hot Rod:<p>

"You don't have to put on the seat belt."

"Um, I would rather put it on and be safe."

"What? You don't trust me?"

"Um, you were in a car crash and you nearly died too!"

"That was last year!"

* * *

><p>Optimus talking over the phone:<p>

"What? Arcee had three kids? Are any of them mine?"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Hello, disaster relief?"

"Yes."

"I have a disaster in my house."

"Excuse me?"

"She is sitting at a table and is drinking coffee."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hot Rod, would you trade me for a beautiful fembot?"

"No."

"What about two?"

"No."

"Three?"

"No."

"Four?"

"No."

"What about a fire truck?"

"Is it beautiful?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! I didn't have enough money so I dropped by your work."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I took a hundred thousand out of your pocket …"

"Um, I was transferred a year ago …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"Wheeljack! Why is the anti-virus taking so long to check this film for viruses?"

"It is watching the movie!"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack, drunk, opens up his fridge, takes out a carton of milk and looks at it. Wheeljack:<p>

"3.5 percent? Why is it taking so long to load?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Is the computer evil?"

Wheeljack, drunk:

"Yes."

"How come?"

"After Ratchet took it away from me, two new evils showed up."

"What?"

"The TV and the fridge."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Perceptor, the system administrator, thought himself to be the ultimate authority. Wheeljack, the electrician, proved him wrong."

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, gathered all his employees:<p>

"Theory is when we know what to do but it doesn't work. Practice is when it works but we don't know why. Here, we do theory and practice at the same time …"

Springer:

"Nothing works and nobody knows why."

* * *

><p>Wheeljack, drunk, hacked a human fighter jet; now it has unlimited ammunition.<p>

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk, to Optimus:<p>

"Nothing brings women together like going to bars to take back their husbands."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"When I am out drinking with Arcee, I never drink too much."

Iron Hide:

"Why? She doesn't let you?"

"No, just one time I thought I had two wives. I am not going through this shit again."

* * *

><p>Optimus, hangover:<p>

"… and then finally she got on her knees …"

Tracks:

"Haw?"

"She got on her knees and told me to get out form under the bed …"

* * *

><p>Optimus, drunk, comes back home with a vacuum cleaner. Arcee:<p>

"Did you buy a vacuum cleaner?"

"Oh, no, Elita One invited me over to her house, we drank, she undressed herself and told me to take whatever I wanted so I took the vacuum cleaner! Look! It is very handy!"

* * *

><p>Optimus calls up Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Arcee, where are you?"

"I am home, getting ready for bed. Where are you?"

"In the bar on the table right next to you, drinking."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Arguing with your wife is like spitting against the wind. Funny thing is, no matter where you spit, it is always against the wind."

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk:<p>

"Tomorrow we will have as much money as we want!"

Springer:

"How come?"

"I bought a printer!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! Where the hell did the devil take you?"

Optimus, drunk:

"What? You saw it too?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

Fembot dictionary:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I am responsible = You will pay for this

We have to = I want to

You decide = The right decision is obvious

Do whatever you want = You will suffer

We need to talk = I want to whine

Sure, continue = I don't want you to keep on doing that

No, I am not sad = I am slowly dying inside

You are so manly = Shave

This kitchen is very uncomfortable and old = I want a new house

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"You are such an alcohol whore! You would sleep with me for just one bottle of vodka!"

"That's not true! I wouldn't sleep with you even for two!"

* * *

><p>Optimus, drunk, gets back home. Arcee:<p>

"There is nothing on your mind other than vodka!"

"Oh, what, you think you are better?"

Optimus takes out three pieces of paper:

"Here is a little test, read the first paper."

"Name two money currencies in two different countries. Hm, Euros and dollars."

"All right, read the second paper!"

"Name two means of birth control. Are you kidding me? I can name ten!"

"I know. Now, read the last one."

"Name two rivers in Iceland. Um, eh, uh …"

"See? There is nothing on your mind other than money and sex!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Why won't you make me happy for once in your life?"

Optimus:

"It is impossible to please a fembot!"

"No it's not! Stop drinking!"

"Like I said! It's impossible!"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Optimus! What happened to you? You are all covered in blood! Your clothes are all ripped up! Let me take you home!"

Optimus, drunk:

"NO! I JUST CAME ROM THERE!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If you got unlucky with a fembot, remember, there are other fembots out there. If you marry a fembot, remember, there are other malebots out there."

* * *

><p>Middle of the night, the doorbell rings. Wheeljack, swearing, wakes up and opens the door, there is Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"Wheeljack! Help Grimlock push!"

"No! It's the middle of the night! I'm tired! Just go sleep!"

And closes the door. When Wheeljack gets back to bed, Perceptor:

"Who was that?"

"Grimlock."

"What did he want?"

"He wanted me to help him push."

"What? You will not assist him? He is your son!"

"Urgh."

Wheeljack again gets out of bed, goes outside, it is pitch black. Wheeljack:

"Grimlock! Where are you?"

Grimlock, still drunk:

"Grimlock is on swings."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If the answer was 'No' than the question was 'Will you stay long on the computer?'. If the answer is 'Do whatever you want' than the question was 'Should I dye my hair blue?'. If the answer was 'Yes' than the question was 'Are you listening to me?'."

* * *

><p>Optimus, drunk:<p>

"Arcee! I get up in the middle of the night to go pee, I look at the toilet and I see that the dishes are not done!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, to his wife:<p>

"How much time do you need to be ready in fifteen minutes?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The most hated three words that a husband can hear in bed are: you finished already?. The most hated three words a wife can hear in bed are: I am home!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk:<p>

"Wife! My Tamagochi is pregnant!"

"What? Show me!"

Rodimus takes something out and with bright letters it says "I am pregnant."

"It's a pager!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee! I bet you can't say anything that will make me both sad and happy at the same time!"

Arcee, drunk:

"Your spike is bigger than Hot Rod's and Ultra Magnus'."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Why do single men weigh less than married men?"

Kup, drunk:

"Single men when they look in the fridge, see nothing and get depressed, they go to the bedroom. Married men when they look in the bedroom, see what they ended up with and get depressed, they go to the fridge."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Into how many slices should I cut the pizza? Into four or eight?"

Rodimus, drunk:

"Four! I won't be able to finish eight!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**I like the movie Thor, it is not the best movie out there but it has its moments; I think it is cute when aliens learn about our traditions ... like Transformers! They watch soap operas!**

**Anybody gonna go see The Avengers? I will, on the big screen! Well, it depends ... we will see ...**

**I am up to Issue 56 of Little Tragedies! More to come! Sorry about irregular update periods!**

**I think I managed to quite video games! No idea how but I think I made substantial progress! Weeeeee! I learned how to use Photoshop! Well, still learning but C.M.D. is very kind and helps me out!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for reviewing and editing!**


	27. Chapter 27

**Little Tragedies, Issue 27**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Issue 27!**

**It is kinda not really partially maybe potentially perhaps on a certain level a pleasure for me to inform all of you that I have on a certain level perhaps maybe partially not really have figured out my time table for each day for each case! Woohoo! No idea what the frag that means but I spent whole two minutes thinking about what I should be doing each day and week! No idea how that will help ...**

**So I understand that it has been Chinese New Year the other day, congratulations! May all of your wishes come true ... n stuff ... weeeeeee!**

**Funny how things are sometimes, I have cleared all of my paperwork, all of my permit is cleared and yet because of a single tiny piece of plastic I would be kicked out of my nursing program ... care to guess what it is? Driving license? Why would I need a driving license ... I am a nurse ... no, my ID badge ... apparently that is important ... well, gonna spend whole 3 hours on the road there and whole 3 hours back for a piece of plastic that I will get in about 1-2 minutes ... fanslaggingtastic!**

**In any case, I know this is a short one but believe me, more are coming and they are longer!maybe in a year or two I will begin a poll of some sort! Well, in any case, enjoy!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Megatron:<p>

"Starscream, I have a question …"

"No, I will not let you do it without a condom."

"In that case I have another question …"

"No, I will not perform a fellatio."

"In that case I have another question …"

"What?"

"What the hell do I need you for?"

* * *

><p>Megatron broke his jaw and had to stay overnight for observation. Starscream:<p>

"Here, Megatron, I brought you some apples! Want anything else?"

"Bhringh me some nuts you mohron …"

* * *

><p>Sentinel:<p>

"Ratchet! Help me!"

"What?"

"I have been impotent!"

"Uh-huh …"

"For 10 years!"

"How did you hide it?"

"Well, I either spiked Optimus' drinks or told him jokes all night long …"

* * *

><p>Tracks, cuddling with Soundwave:<p>

"Hey, Soundwave, doesn't all of this make you wonder what love story are we?"

Soundwave:

"Romeo and Juliet?"

"No."

"Othello and Desdemona?"

"No."

"Beauty and the Beast?"

* * *

><p>Arcee and Hot Rod are in bed. The phone rings, Arcee picks up:<p>

"Uh-huh, all right."

Hot Rod, after she hung up the phone:

"Who was that?"

Arcee:

"Optimus; he said he is fishing with you."

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Iron Hide:<p>

"Optimus recently was admitted into a hospital."

Springer:

"Hm, weird, I saw him with Firestar."

"Yeah, Arcee did too …"

* * *

><p>Hound comes home from yet another trip, tired as hell. Mirage:<p>

"Hey, let's do it!"

"I am tired!"

"Come on!"

30 minutes later. Hound:

"Fine, let's do it but Brazilian style."

Mirage:

"All right!"

So they have sex, and at the end Hound drops, falling asleep. Mirage:

"So what was so different about it?"

"Oh, sorry, I forgot, cha cha cha …"

* * *

><p>Optimus and Arcee are talking after watching a movie. Arcee:<p>

"Elita One is not much of an actress! She has good looks! Well, fine, she is gorgeous but remove her beauty and what will you get?"

Optimus:

"You."

* * *

><p>Arcee is pulling off Optimus' blanket. Optimus:<p>

"Oh, dear, again?"

"No! It's time for work!"

"YES! WORK!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! This is a nightmare! We have been driving for just a minute and we've already crushed six people!"

Optimus:

"Maybe you will let me drive?"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Smokescreen! She is impossible! She asks me a question, then answers it for me before I can even think about the answer and then for hours yells at me that the answer is wrong!"

* * *

><p>Arcee comes back from a business trip and sees two plastic plates in the garbage:<p>

"Optimus! What the hell is this? Did you cheat on me with two fembots?"

"Just one …"

"Why are you so cheap? What, we don't have normal plates at our place?"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"If you took all the men you cheated on me with and ranked me out of 10, what number would I be?"

Arcee:

"I don't know, I am horrible with decimal places …"

* * *

><p>Perceptor drops by Optimus' house and Optimus is showing him some new things they got in the house. Perceptor, pointing at a table filled with random bottles of chemicals:<p>

"Optimus! I didn't know you were a chemist!"

"I am not."

"Huh?"

"This is Arcee's night table."

* * *

><p>Arcee and Optimus wake up in the middle of the night because they hear their front door open. Arcee, scared:<p>

"Oh, no! My lover came back from his business trip early!"

* * *

><p>Arcee is giving birth. Ratchet brings out three kids to Optimus:<p>

"Which ones are you gonna take?"

"Well, all of them."

"All right, in that case I will send the other five your way …"

* * *

><p>Optimus finds Arcee with Hot Rod in the bed. Optimus:<p>

"What the hell is he doing here?"

Arcee:

"Miracles!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, once we get married, I will heal all of your wounds."

Optimus:

"… but I don't have any wounds …"

"Which is why I am saying 'once we get married'."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Optimus, what if I told you that I slept with your best friend?"

Optimus:

"Huh, I didn't know you were a lesbian …"

* * *

><p>When Iron Hide and Ratchet were dating. In a restaurant. Iron Hide:<p>

"Ratchet! I saw how you touched all the waitresses on your way back from the washroom!"

"Oh, no, I was just wiping my hands."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"So, Arcee the other day dressed up in a very provocative dress and told me that I can tie her up and do whatever I want."

Iron Hide:

"And?"

"And what? I tied her up and went fishing …"

* * *

><p>Arcee, lovingly to Optimus:<p>

"Hey, Optimus, guess who is going to be a father!"

Optimus:

"Oh, great, she told you, didn't she?"

* * *

><p>Arcee and Optimus are having a fight. Arcee:<p>

"What did my parents ever do to you?"

"They created you!"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Every self-respecting mech should know two phrases. One – let me eat. Two – let me eat in fragging peace."

* * *

><p>Wheeljack:<p>

"Hey, Ratchet, I am leaving for business over at a friend's house."

"You will come home drunk!"

Wheeljack comes home, drunk:

"You jinxed me!"

* * *

><p>Optimus comes home, drunk. Arcee takes a broom and begins beating him up with it:<p>

"WHAT? WILL YOU DRINK ANYMORE? HUH?"

"No! I won't!"

"Tell me! Will you drink anymore? Will you drink? Huh?"

"Fine! Pour me one! Jeez …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"When Optimus and me were going out, he always called me his sun. Now that we are married, he just disappears into bars …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Sun makes heat, heat makes thirst. Case closed."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"There are three things you can look at forever: how the fire burns, how the water drips and how your boss gives you your paycheck."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**I visited my high school the other day, such a wonderful feeling it is to laugh at the faces of those who are ignorant (... yes ... I mean those who think that college and university are easy ... and yet get less than 70's on their report cards ... you will be surprised how many people are like that!)! Ah, you should have seen the looks on their faces as I scarred them for life with my experiences in college! Ah, they won't be sleeping for days~!**

**I looked at the closed shut optics of some of the sparklings and I felt so warm and cozy! Their creators were all happy and eager to begin their journey as parents and embrace the new role given to them by Primus, a parent!**

**Well, I wanted to say that last line with "abusive parent" in it buuuuuuuut that's enough stupid stuff for today! It is great! I help kids make their first steps in this world and teach their parents how to take care of them! I don't know if I made a difference but it surely felt like I was. To all mothers than gave birth, congratulations!**

**So a friend of mine and me decided to start a comic book collection of Transformers a few months ago, to be honest it is not really going too well but we intend to fix that on January 29th! That's the end of the month sale at Planet Hobby!**

****So, I hope you enjoyed issue 27! You know, I do run out of material that bashes Arcee! Believe it or not but I am beginning to involve other couples in the bashing! I think by Issue 35-ish there should be a noticeable change!****

****Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!****


	28. Chapter 28

_**Little Tragedies, Issue 28**_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**I know I haven'y updated in a very long time, I do apologize, things just never stop happening! It's freaking amazing! I can't point out to a single dull moment of my life right now!**

**In any case, I will post a few more Little Tragedies issues today to keep myself more or less afloat.**

**You know, I think I have come a long way since one whole year! Learned a lot, experienced a lot, got to know certain people better and you know what, despite all the crap that happened, I still think 2011 was a good year. **

**2012 already began showing some of the things it has in store for me and to be honest, as scared as I am, I know that I will achieve whatever it is that I want. Nothing stands in the way of Randomus Prime.**

**Let's see, what can I say about this issue ...**

**Have fun!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"So, Galvatron, had another kid, huh?"

Galvatron:

"Yeah, a boy; named him Slipstream."

"Isn't that a fembot name?"

"Yeah, we cut the wrong cord …"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy are trying to teach Tracks how to use the computer. Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Congratulations mommy! You just got inside the internet!"

Tracks, after a few seconds pause:

"What are you talking about? I am not having sex with it!"

* * *

><p>Shockblast:<p>

"Dad, is it true that marriage is like a lottery?"

Shockblast's dad:

"No, in lottery there is still a chance …"

* * *

><p>Megatron to Galvatron:<p>

"I am thinking of breaking up with Starscream …"

"Galvatron:

"TAKE HIM WITH YOU!"

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"Dad, do you want me to get something from the store?"

Galvatron:

"Yes, your own place and you living there."

* * *

><p>After dinner, Soundwave, Rumble and Frenzy are watching TV while Flipsides is with Tracks washing the dishes. Suddenly, they hear something breaking.<p>

Soundwave:

"Your mother broke something."

Rumble and Frenzy:

"How do you know?"

"He is not making a noise."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Rumble, Frenzy, do you two fight a lot in Elementary school?"

"Yeah."

"Who wins?"

"Arcee, the teacher."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy, asking Swindle's son:<p>

"Where does your dad work?"

"In the bank."

"For how long?"

"Just this night …"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy! Where do kids come from?"

Tracks:

"A crane brings them."

"And who has sex with the crane?"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy are at a stadium, watching the final Charrball match. Slipstream:<p>

"Where did you get the money for such expensive tickets?"

"Mommy and daddy bought them!"

"Where are they?"

"At home, looking for the tickets …"

* * *

><p>Flipsides:<p>

"Mommy, daddy, would it be possible for me to get a puppy? You know I will take good care of it!"

Tracks and Soundwave get Flipsides a huge Saint Bernard. Flipsides, after looking at the dog:

"Um, who is a gift to whom?"

* * *

><p>Starscream is smoking in the house when he hears Galvatron's footsteps. He throws away the cigarette and sprays air freshener all over. Starscream:<p>

"Dad! I swear I wasn't smoking!"

"Son, you can smoke, drink, and have sex as much as you want but for Cybertron's sake move out! You are 42!"

* * *

><p>Shockblast:<p>

"My dad is such a chicken!"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"What? Why?"

"Every single time mom leaves for a business trip, he jumps into bed with our neighbor …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave and Tracks decided to go to summer camp with Rumble, Frenzy and Flipsides. Soundwave, mischievously to Tracks:<p>

"Take condoms."

Tracks, embarrassed:

"There are kids there!"

"Then grab some extra ones for the kids ..."

* * *

><p>Flipsides, Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Dad, do you have kids?"

"Any more?"

"In general …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave:<p>

"Rumble, Frenzy, why is there a picture of Tracks on your notebooks?"

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Arcee said that she wanted to see the moron who helped us with our homework …"

* * *

><p>Flipsides:<p>

"Daddy, I have two questions. 1 – can I get more allowance and 2 – why not?"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy get a few F's in their report cards:<p>

"Mommy! Daddy! Please, just don't get discouraged!"

Tracks and Soundwave:

"Rumble, Frenzy, just don't get mad …"

* * *

><p>Tracks, Soundwave and Flipsides go to a sauna. Suddenly, Soundwave's towel drops and reveals his glorious form. Flipsides, pointing at it:<p>

"Mommy, what's that?"

Tracks, whispering:

"Well, this is daddy's, um, thing, if it wasn't for that thing, you wouldn't be here …"

Tracks, after a few seconds of looking at it:

"… neither would I …"

* * *

><p>Flipsides:<p>

"Mommy, can people get pregnant at 15?"

"Oh, yes."

"Oh, no …"

* * *

><p>Sentinel:<p>

"Tracks, I am sorry to tell you but I caught Flipsides drinking alcohol."

Tracks:

"You are lying! She never takes anything in her mouth!"

Sentinel, after a short pause:

"Yeah, I will have to disappoint you again …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Flipsides, tell me about your parents."

Flipsides:

"Daddy is working and Mommy is beautiful."

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Optimus' son:<p>

"Dad, how did you meet mom?"

"Oh, I took up the Yellow Pages, I opened to a random page and dialed a random number which got me the work phone of Arcee. We talked and I really liked her."

"What was the job?"

"I think it was sex over the phone …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"What is infinity and an instant?"

Springer:

"An infinity lasts from the beginning of the work day until it ends. An instant is when you are on a 4 week vacation …"

* * *

><p>Optimus' son runs up to Arcee:<p>

"Mom! There are two naked mechs on the roof!"

"Don't look at them! They are barbarians!"

"I don't know about barbarians but one guy is dad …"

* * *

><p>Arcee comes home very late at night. Arcee's mom:<p>

"Where the slag were you?"

"I was with Santa Claus."

"How inappropriate! You, a young girl with an old man! There is no way to know what to expect!"

"Apparently only toys …"

* * *

><p>Arcee sends a text message to Optimus:<p>

"Optimus! I heard on the news that a guy was found with his head crushed by a car! Call me! I am worried!"

* * *

><p>Optimus' son:<p>

"Mommy, can angels fly?"

"Yes they can."

"Daddy called our maid, Firestar, an angel."

Arcee, after twitching her eye:

"Oh, she will fly tomorrow."

* * *

><p>Springer found 5 dollars on the road, picked it up and went to an ice-cream stand when Bumblebee intercepts him:<p>

"Hey, Springer, what are you gonna do with that 5?"

"Gonna go get myself some ice-cream!"

"You should donate this money to a charity!"

"Yeah, well, I thought that it would be best that the ice-cream man donates the money."

* * *

><p>Optimus' son:<p>

"Mommy, whose brains did I get?"

Arcee:

"Your father's; mine are in place."

* * *

><p>Optimus' son:<p>

"Daddy, witches don't exist, do they?"

Optimus, throwing a glance at Arcee:

"When I was little, I thought so too …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Wheeljack, exiting the train:<p>

"Excuse me, I will go buy some vodka."

Blitzwing:

"The train will leave in four minutes."

"I will get you two bottles."

"GO! RUN! I WILL HOLD OFF THE TRAIN!"

Wheeljack comes back with a whole box of bottles and gives five to Blitzwing:

"Here, give it to the mechanics too."

A minute later Blitzwing comes back:

"Wheeljack! A message form the mechanics!"

"What?"

"Will stop the train anywhere!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, to Springer :<p>

"Springer, read books like me. If you don't read books, you will have poor vision … no wait … judgment? Just read the damn books and be smart like me …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Hey, Kup, did you see a pill named 'LSD' anywhere?"

Kup:

"No but check out the dragon in our kitchen!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk:<p>

"Hey, Bumblebee, why is your face all like that?"

"A wasp landed on it."

"What did it do? Bite you?"

"No, you killed it with a shovel."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Here we are! issue 28! I wonder if I will ever run out of these things ...**

**I never got to wish everyone a happy 2012 so ... Happy 2012 everyone!**

**Do you know why there won't be any apocalypse or Armageddon this year? Because we won't let it happen! We will laugh it off and keep on having fun! **

**Things change.**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


	29. Chapter 29

_**Little Tragedies, Issue 29**_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**For this issue, I have a little bit of a surprise for you! I got a contributor! C.M.D.! The first joke in TFA is all her! Give her a round of applause ... and go check out her stuff ... and review it ... give her nice reviews ... or I will drown you in lotion ... now that I work at Nature's Source ... I can do that! You will all drown in the ... sticky-ish milky thick liquid ... that has a variety of smells ... like vanilla ... chocolate ... and some fruits ... BEWARE!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Soundwave finds out that Tracks has been maxing out the credit cards. Soundwave:<p>

"Fact: you were alone all day beforehand. Inquiry: why are you bothered by staying home alone now while the twins are at preschool?"

Tracks:

"You didn't have sex before marrying me," glare, "want to go back to that?"

Soundwave:

"…"

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"You suck!"

Rodimus:

"You are the master of sucking!"

Tracks:

"Hm? How interesting, so am I!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave:<p>

"Inquiry: Megatron, how is it that you manage to go fishing and Starscream does not mind?"

Megatron:

"Oh, it is rather easy to achieve. You see, I prepare in the evening before the day of. In the morning I wake up, take off the blanket and say to Starscream 'What an aft!' so he gets rather annoyed, we fight but then I grab my gear and I go off fishing. Once I come back, we are all good."

Soundwave tried doing the same thing:

"What an aft! Screw fishing …"

* * *

><p>Straxus, Megatron and Soundwave went hunting once. Straxus took up the rifle and shot somewhere in the bushes:<p>

"All right, let's see what we got here!"

Megatron:

"Curious …"

Soundwave:

"According to the passport, it's Rodimus …"

* * *

><p>Tracks took Rumble and Frenzy to school on September 1st. Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Well, our childhood is over …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Rumble! Frenzy! That is a bad, bad word! Never use it again! Do you even know what that means?"

"Yeah, it's when the car doesn't start …"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Wheeljack runs into the room, holding a Ick-Yak:<p>

"Warpath! I caught an Ick-Yak! We will finally eat!"

Warpath:

"What did you kill it with?"

"Your boomerangs."

"Wheeljack! If you use my socks again, I will break your blanket!"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Examination time. Alpha Trion:<p>

"Wheeljack! I cannot let you pass! You do not know enough!"

Wheeljack:

"Yeah, well, you too!"

"Huh?"

"Yeah! For example, what is 3.62?"

"Oh, that is an old style vodka."

"All right, what is 4.12?"

"Oh, another old vodka type, better than 3.62."

"And what's 3.14?"

"Hm, I can't say that I know."

"See? You claim to be a mathematician and yet you don't know Pie!"

* * *

><p>Two old fembots are talking:<p>

"Can you imagine it? My farm was raided! Someone stole all of my food!"

"Probably the university students …"

"No, the footprints belong to people …"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Arcee runs into the room, happily:<p>

"Hey! Wheeljack! Ratchet! Warpath! Perceptor! I killed seven with my intellectual prowess!"

Everyone:

"How?"

"I swatted seven flies with my diploma!"

* * *

><p>Back in university. The holidays began but some students stayed back. Arcee walks into Wheeljack's room:<p>

"Hey, Wheeljack, wanna hang out?"

Wheeljack:

"Sure."

So they hang out for a while. Wheeljack:

"So, what are we gonna do?"

"Well, how about a game?"

"Oh?"

"Yeah, here is a coin, we take turns flipping it. If it is heads, we do whatever I want, if it is tails, we do whatever you want."

"Hm, all right."

"Ok, so, you flip the coin first, I will go prepare the bed …"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Exam time. The exam is all "True or False" questions. Alpha Trion notices that Starscream is flipping a coin. Alpha Trion, thinking:<p>

"Hm, he will finish first."

The exam ended, everybody left except for Starscream. Alpha Trion:

"What are you doing?"

"Double checking …"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Everybody is hungry, everybody wants to go home. Students:<p>

"Alpha Trion! Please! Let us go!"

"All right, fine, when this stick of chalk ends, you can all go."

Bulkhead:

"Sir, can I eat the chalk please?"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Thundercracker:<p>

"Sir! I do not deserve the 'F' grade!"

Alpha Trion:

"I agree but F is the lowest one we got …"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Wheeljack:<p>

"Well? Thundercracker? Did you pass?"

"He kept drowning me in his pathetic, primitive questions but I surfaced to the top!"

Meanwhile. Alpha Trion:

"Why did you pass him?"

"I kept drowning him in questions."

"So?"

"Crap doesn't sink …"

* * *

><p>Warpath, before starting exams:<p>

"Everybody will get positive grades."

Shockblast, Rumble and Frenzy:

"Positive? What do you mean?"

"Higher than zero."

* * *

><p>Back in university. Bulkhead:<p>

"Hey, Wheeljack, would you mind teaching me?"

Wheeljack:

"Well, you see, there is a very thick line between a teacher and a tutor. A teacher gets money while with a tutor you can work out a deal …"

"I will give you pirogues every day …"

"Deal!"

* * *

><p>Exam time. Student:<p>

"Professor Warpath, here is some candy!"

"What? Candy? How dare you? You will be writing the exam that will determine if you will be a doctor or not! You would be doing the most noble thing anyone could be doing – saving lives! I demand a bottle of wine and a cake!"

* * *

><p>Back in high school. Alpha Trion:<p>

"Starscream! Some of the mechs your age become fathers!"

"That would be if they are not careful!"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Exam time. Arcee:<p>

"I will seduce the professor!"

Elita One:

"Our professor is a fembot …"

"Crap! I will need to actually study!"

Slipstream:

"I will seduce the professor!"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack:<p>

"Jetfire, Jetstorm, remember, money can solve everything! Even tertiary derivations in Leibnitz notation!"

* * *

><p>Perceptor walks into the room with a hint of annoyance on his face. Wheeljack:<p>

"What's wrong?"

"I was trying to write a program."

"And?"

"I have been working the whole night."

"So, did you manage to complete it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I fell asleep …"

"Ah …"

"… on Backspace …"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Exam time. Starscream:<p>

"If you manage to answer three of my questions, you let me pass the exam, if not, you fail me."

Alpha Trion:

"All right."

"What is illogical and legal, what is logical but illegal and what is both illogical and illegal at the same time?"

Alpha Trion, after a few minutes of thinking, passed Starscream. Alpha Trion:

"All right, what are they?"

"Something illogical and legal – you are an old man but your wife is very young, it makes no sense but it is legal. Something logical but illegal – your wife is cheating on you with another mech. Something both illogical and illegal – you just passed that mech on his finals."

* * *

><p>Back in university. Warpath, Wheeljack, Ratchet, Perceptor, Arcee, Elita One and many other university graduates come together and hang out when Elita One shows up:<p>

"I have a joke to tell but it has a very bad word in it."

"What?"

"Ass."

After a while they finally managed to talk her into telling the joke. Elita One:

"All right, so, two gay guys are fucking …"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack, telling a scary story to the jettwins:<p>

"… the day shall come, the night shall arrive, the exam time will begin and the living would envy the dead …"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Warpath:<p>

"Hey, Starscream , how was the French course?"

"I was sleeping …"

"Then how did you pass?"

"… with the professor …"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Arcee came home for the summer. Arcee:<p>

"Mom! I got a boy!"

"Really? What year is he?"

"Year? He is not even a month old!"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Exam time, break. Thundercracker and Starscream walk into the bathroom. Starscream:<p>

"So what did Alpha Trion give you?"

"That scrap-heap didn't give me anything!"

Alpha Trion, from one of the booths:

"And I won't."

* * *

><p>Back in university. Exam time. Bumblebee and Bulkhead came up with a way for one to help another out with the exam. Bumblebee saw that Bulkhead was having trouble and was about to fail the exam. Bumblebee, running into the exam room:<p>

"Bulkhead! Your son is being born!"

It worked every time. One day he saw Elita One having trouble. Bumblebee, without thinking:

"Elita One! Your son is being born!"

Elita One, looking down:

"What? Where?"

* * *

><p>Shockwave:<p>

"Megatron, our company is so strong, it is almost as if it was built on steel…"

Swindle:

"Yeah! Stole, steal and will keep on stealing!"

* * *

><p>Back in university. An ad on the announcement boards:<p>

"Will help you lose weight; I take care of your dinners and suppers. Wheeljack."

* * *

><p>Back in university. Exam time. Alpha Trion:<p>

"So, do you know?"

Starscream:

"Yes."

"What do you know?"

"The material."

"The material for what?"

"For the course."

"What course?"

"This course, the one I am writing this exam about."

"And what course would that be?"

"What's with all the questions?"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack and Arcee are in bed. Arcee:<p>

"Are you finished yet?"

"No, this is my fourth year …"

* * *

><p>Back in university. After exam time. Wheeljack<p>

"Well? Did you pass? What did you get?"

Warpath:

"Well, at first I was determined to get A but then I decided not to, pass with a D and with the rest of the money get vodka …"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"I recently discovered a whole new species of fish!"

Hot Rod:

"What is it?"

"It is called the bitch-fish, you will never catch the bitch …"

* * *

><p>Prowl catches Springer fishing. Prowl:<p>

"Springer! You are not allowed to fish here!"

"Why?"

"It's against the law!"

"Oh, I am not fishing …"

"Then what are you doing?"

"I bring my fish here, let them swim around and then they come back."

"Show me."

Springer releases all the fish he caught. A few minutes later, Prowl:

"Well? Where is the fish?"

"What fish?"

* * *

><p>Blustreak:<p>

"So, did you guys catch anything?"

Grimlock:

"Yeah."

"I don't see it! Was it small? Is that why you let it go?"

Grimlock, grimly:

"Big as you and just as annoying …"

* * *

><p>An ad in a newspaper:<p>

"Looking for my true love, capable of gutting the fish, dig for worms, have a boat in your possession. Picture of the boat is obligatory. Hot Rod."

* * *

><p>Two turtles are crawling on the desert sands when they suddenly see Starscream doing something near an oasis. One of the turtles:<p>

"Hey, Sunstreaker, let's pull a prank on Stasrscream!"

"Sideswipe … we already pulled a prank on Wheeljack …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock and Rodimus are sitting on a bench when an old fembot with her grandkid walk by. Grandkid, pointing at the two:<p>

"Granny, who are they?"

"One of them is a piece of crap and another is an eagle!"

Grimlock and Rodimus look at one another. Rodimus:

"Well, I don't know about you, but I am flying off …"

Grimlock:

"You will fly when someone throws you with a shovel."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Wheeljack recently proved that washing your clothes damages the environment. Which means that malebots don't wash their clothes because they are lazy, we are saving the Earth!"

* * *

><p>On a black, black planet, on a black, black continent, in a black, black forest, on a black, black learing there stood two black, black mechs. Perceptor:<p>

"Wheeljack, why the slag did we burn all that rubber for?"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack went to heaven and sees Sunstreaker and Sideswipe playing chess when suddenly the chairs they were sitting on made a circle around the table. Wheeljack:<p>

"What is this?"

Sunstreaker and Sideswipe:

"Oh, every time someone makes a joke about us, the chairs make a circle around the table."

"Um, uhuh, all right, I will just go chill at the fan."

"It's not a fan."

"What is it then?"

"Arcee and Optimus."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Rodimus, how is quitting smoking working out?"

Rodimus:

"Oh, eh, not too good."

"Did you try candy? It helps in rare cases."

"Yeah, I tried."

"And?"

"They don't light up …"

* * *

><p>Smokescreen:<p>

"The best way to calm down a femobt in the middle of hysterics is by kissing her."

Optimus:

"And what is the best way to get her to hysterics?"

* * *

><p>An ad in a newspaper:<p>

"A family of 8 will rent an apartment, or a room, or a corner of a room. Blaster and Blustreak."

* * *

><p>Back in university. Exam time. Alpha Trion:<p>

"What organ is the symbol of love?"

Arcee:

"Male or fembot?"

"Oh, dear, back in my days it was the heart …"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school. Ratchet:<p>

"I am so sorry, Professor!"

"Not only are you late, you have not completed your homework! Is there a fembot involved?"

"What? No!"

"You disappoint me …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Hot Rod and Kup go fishing but a tornado comes and throws them into open sea. For seven days they have been aimlessly cruising on the water, hopeful to find land. At some point Hot Rod catches a bottle and a genie comes out of it. Genie:<p>

"What is your wish?"

Hot Rod:

"A sea of beer!"

The genie does what he asked when Kup suddenly smacks Hot Rod really hard. Hot Rod:

"What the hell?"

"Where the hell are we gonna piss? In the boat?"

* * *

><p>Springer, Mirage and Kup went fishing. They have been at it for hours but they caught nothing. Mirage:<p>

"We are not getting any."

Four hours later. Springer:

"Yeah."

Five hours later. Kup, drunk:

"You guys talk too much!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk and Huffer are on patrol when suddenly Huffer trembles, falls down to the ground and begins convulsing. Rodimus, drunk, calls up Ratchet:<p>

"Hey, Huffer is dead, what do I do?"

"Make sure he is dead."

For a few seconds there is silence. Rodimus:

"He is dead now, what next?"

* * *

><p>Grimlock and Kup once got drunk and went fishing. They arrive to the spot and begin drilling a hole in the ice when Seapsray comes by:<p>

"There is no fish here."

Grimlock:

"Pfft, whatever."

A few minutes later, Seaspray:

"There is no fish here."

Kup:

"Just keep on going."

A few minutes later:, Seapsray:

"Guys, I am telling you, there is no fish here!"

Grimlock:

"Who do you think you are?"

"I am the owner of this hockey stadium …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Grimlock, how do you kill a blue Ick-Yak?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"With a gun for blue Ick-Yaks."

"What about a red Ick-Yak?"

"Choke it until it turns blue and then shoot it."

"What about a yellow Ick-Yak?"

"Tell it lame jokes until it becomes red, choke it and then shoot it."

"What about purple Ick-Yaks?"

"There are no purple Ick-Yaks, moron."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"I once caught a fish that barely fit onto a photo!"

Grimlock, drunk:

"Grimlock caught fish that photo was 20 kilograms!"

* * *

><p>Middle of the night, someone is breaching the perimeter. Springer:<p>

"Hey, Hot Rod, ask for the password."

Hot Rod, drunk:

"Hey! You! Say the password!"

"The password."

"Ok! Come on through …"

* * *

><p>Prowl, Smokescreen and Wheeljack come to a drunk Optimus. Optimus:<p>

"Well, show me off what you got?"

Prowl:

"Well, one dirty mech and one clean mech walk by a car wash. The clean one will just walk by and the dirty one will use the facility. That is logic."

Optimus:

"Uh-huh …"

Smokescreen:

"A dirty mech and a clean mech walk by a car wash. Which one would use the facility?"

Optimus:

"The dirty one."

"Wrong! If he is dirty, he must never use the facility while the clean one must be using the facility frequently. This is psychology."

Wheeljack:

"Now, imagine a dirty mech and a clean one …"

Optimus:

"You guys frag me up with those mechs!"

"Well, that would be philosophy …"

* * *

><p>Rodimus, drunk, replacing Ratchet in school for the anatomy exam:<p>

"Whose skeleton is this?"

"We don't know."

"What the hell were you kids learning about for the past several years?"

"Is that … Optimus Prime?"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Arcee comes to the dorms for the first time:<p>

"Where do you keep the food?"

Wheeljack, drunk, grimly:

"In our stomach."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Hope you all enjoyed!**

**You know what movie sucks? Hulk. I couldn't get through a quarter of it that I wanted to punch the screen JUST to spice up my life ... or electrocute myself ... to spice up my life ...**

**We all grow up at some point, things change, so I decided to sell all of my Yu-gi-oh cards and begin slowly getting rid of my video games except for a few personal favorites. **

**Thanks to my great friend C.M.D. for reviewing, editing and giving a part of herself!**


	30. Chapter 30

**_Little Tragedies, Issue 30_**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**You know, there are so many things that I want to do. Some I can't do because I simply don't have the time, some I can't do because they are simply bitch fits. Where do we find the balance? How do we figure what is something useful and what is a scream for help? The answer may be much different from what you thought it would be.**

**Nostalgia hit me today during break when I was waling around LCBO in the vodka section ... be sure to have someone take care of you when you are hugging the toilet.**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Back in university. French exam. Alpha Trion:<p>

"Ratchet! You are answering me in Chinese!"

"Damn! I was reading the wrong text book in the dark!"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Exam time. Alpha Trion:<p>

"Arcee, I could give you a D with a stretch but first, the stretch please …"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Alpha Trion:<p>

"Show me something erotic with a surprising end."

Arcee:

"Aaaaa- ACHOO!"

* * *

><p>Warpath, exam:<p>

"A question for grade A. What is my name?"

Silence.

"A question for grade B. What is this course?"

Silence.

"A question for grade C. What color is the textbook?"

Someone from the classroom:

"He is failing us like a madman!"

* * *

><p>A student runs in the hall and bumps into Warpath and Ratchet. Warpath:<p>

"Excuse me! What are you doing? How dare you run in these halls? The halls that some of the greatest transformers made their masterpieces that changed the very fabric of reality! There is no place for perversion or foolishness here!"

"I-I-I am so sorry!"

"All right, just do mind next time …"

"I will, I will!"

"Off you go!"

Warpath sees that the student leaves the hallway and then he turns to Ratchet:

"… and then I spread Arcee's legs and …"

* * *

><p>Warpath comes up to a young fembot student who looks very lost, she doesn't know anything whatsoever:<p>

"Excuse me, are you free tonight?"

The student takes a while to answer but in the end finally nervously replies:

"Um, yes …"

"Then spend it to study the material!"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Wheeljack goes to a doctor:<p>

"Doctor! I haven't gone to the washroom in four days!"

After inspecting him, the doctor takes out his wallet and gives him some money:

"Here, eat."

* * *

><p>Elementary school. A juice commercial. Ratchet:<p>

"I am an apple!"

Warpath:

"I am a pineapple!"

Optimus:

"I am an tomato!"

Sentinel:

"I am a dumbass!"

Alpha Trion:

"No! Sentinel! You are an orange! From the top!"

"I am an apple!"

"I am a pineapple!"

"I am an tomato!"

"I am a dumbass!"

"No! You are an orange! From the top!"

"I am an apple!"

"I am a pineapple!"

"I am an orange!"

"Sentinel! You are a dumbass!"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack is putting Jetfire and Jetstorm to bed:<p>

"I am about to tell you a fairy tale! There was once a very rich man. One day he went to the market and bought a computer with licensed programs …"

Jetfire and Jetstorm:

"Wheeljack, what be licensed programs?"

"Like I said, this is a fairy tale …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave:<p>

"Inquiry: Tracks, what do you want for your birthday?"

Tracks, smirking:

"Well, I want something for my beautiful neck, my thin fingers …"

"Soap it is then."

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Cliffjumper, drunk:<p>

"... and Megatron is the biggest traitor of them all!"

Mirage:

"Why am I hanging out with you …"

"… and who is that whore that is going around with him all the time?

"Starscream?"

"No! The one he has sex with!

"That's Starscream ..."

"No! The blue one!"

"That's Soundwave …"

"What? I thought Soundwave was the gray one!"

"The gray one is Megatron …"

"Then who is the red one?"

"That's Starscream …"

"All traitors! Soundwave! That's who I meant!"

"Uh-huh, can I go now?"

"Hell no! Where ya think you going, traitor? You are not just a traitor! You are a bitchy whiny traitor that's boinking Hound!"

"… I am leaving …"

Cliffjumper, tearing up:

"No! Don't leave me! I thought we had something special!"

"… what the f…"

"I was talking to my ale! It is almost gone! Probably reporting to Megatron as we speak!

Mirage facepalming:

"Urgh."

"HEY! WHERE IS MY BOOZE? IT IS GONE!

"You drank it …"

"Well don't you have an answer for everything, where you get that intel? Megatron?"

"Why the slag do I hang out with you …"

* * *

><p>Perceptor, after seeing Wheeljack's notes for the first time:<p>

"Wheeljack! One of us is insane!"

Wheeljack on the next day, gives Perceptor an envelope. Perceptor:

"What is this?"

"Medical examination test stating that I am not insane."

* * *

><p>Swindle's Auto shop:<p>

"… this week only, buy a vehicle and get a free driving license!"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Ratchet:<p>

"So, Wheeljack, how was the exam?"

Wheeljack:

"Like in a church."

"What?"

"When they asked me questions, I crossed myself, when I gave my answer, they crossed."

* * *

><p>Swindle's ad:<p>

"… stuttering? Can't pronounce the letter 'r'? Try our new tetra-chloro-floro-phosphoro-glutoro-dicarbonite-oxide! Ask for it in a pharmacy near you."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! Look at how white your shirt became after me cleaning it with 'Tide'!"

"I liked it better when it had stripes …"

* * *

><p>An ad in the newspaper:<p>

"Would rent an apartment to two fembots, not three, I am not that young anymore. Alpha Trion."

* * *

><p>Elita One:<p>

"The malebot in the house should be like the president."

Arcee:

"What? Why?"

"So that I could elect a new one every four years."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Arcee! How were you able to hold off the sexual maniac?"

"Well, he got tired near the morning …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"That freak Red Alert puts plastic covering over plates and once he is done he unwraps the dishes, puts them away and throws out the plastic. What a moron …"

Springer:

"That is genius …"

* * *

><p>Swindle, checking if the 251 dollar bill he was given is real:<p>

"Hm, are you sure it is legit?"

Springer:

"It is more real than your vodka …"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack:<p>

"I gave my grandma a power drink."

Perceptor:

"And?"

"And she walked to get milk … to Cybertron …"

* * *

><p>Arcee and Optimus are dancing. Optimus:<p>

"Wow, Arcee, your neck …"

"My whole body is like that."

"It's called a shower …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Soundwave sneaked into Rodimus' office when suddenly Rodimus, drunk, walks in:<p>

"What are you doing here?"

"Answer: waiting for a train."

"Oh, ok."

Rodimus began walking down the corridor when he suddenly thought:

"Wait, what train?"

He ran back into his office but saw nobody there.

"Hm, I guess the train left …"

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"… wow! Wheeljack! That is an extraordinary theory! I would imagine the scientific community has applauded you for your ingenuity when you first told your theory …"

"No."

"No?"

"No, the first time I explained my theory they said 'stop drinking and go sleep, you drunk' …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock:<p>

"Daddy! Give Grimlock juice!"

Wheeljack:

"No!"

"Please, papa!"

"No! Eat your soup!"

"Fine! Let Grimlock stay sober …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"… if a solution dissolves everything then what do they store it in …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Arcee, alcohol makes you so charming and cute …"

"… but I haven't drank anything yet."

"I have."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**I wonder if I will ever drink. I decided to stay sober but I wonder if there will be some sort of an occasion where I will allow myself to loosen up and get drunk.**

**Did you know that you don't get hangovers from alcohol but the preservatives?**

**In any case, I hope you enjoyed!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing! **


	31. Chapter 31

_**Little Tragedies, Issue 31**_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**This is going to be the last Little Tragedies update until the next week or so, can't be posting those things every day, can I now?**

**This issue is not really all that long and some of the jokes are a little "meh" on the side but I think it is still quite enjoyable!**

**So my order for Transformers: The Complete Series with some stuff from Gregg Berger was cancelled ... because they stopped producing them ... I am extremely pissed ... got refunded, bought/ordered the seasons separately, gonna see if I can find a copy of the movie, bought a few comic books along with the full "Last Stand of The Wreckers" which made me cry ... when you read it, make sure you have some tissues with you ... the Burger King Whopper helped a little ...**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Tracks, Soundwave, Flipsides, Rumble and Frenzy decided to go on a vacation at some point. Tracks and Soundwave bought a plushy toy dog for Flipsides for the flight. Sentinel to Flipsides when they were boarding the plane:<p>

"Little girl! Dogs are not allowed on the plane!"

Flipsides:

"… but it is a plushy dog!"

"No dogs allowed, no matter what breed."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"I was just mugged by a limping, one-eyed purple mech!"

Sentinel:

"Did you notice anything in particular about him?

* * *

><p>Sentinel, interrogating:<p>

"So, Swindle, how, why and where were you born?"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Optimus, Sentinel, do you guys have any kids?"

Sentinel:

"Well, if I catch some …"

* * *

><p>Sentinel is walking around the parking lot when he sees Rodimus and Blackout interfacing in one of the cars. Sentinel:<p>

"I am next!"

Blackout, smirking:

"Been a while since I spiked a security guard …"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>One day, back in his policeman days, Blitzwing drove up to a huge fight between two gangster groups. Blitzwing:<p>

"What's going on here?"

Swindle, giving him 100 dollars:

"Get out of here!"

Blitzwing, pouting:

"Secrets, secrets everywhere …"

* * *

><p>Prowl was patrolling when suddenly he saw a huge crowd of gangsters surrounding something on the ground. Prowl:<p>

"Someone get screwed?"

"No, someone getting laid."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing stops Swindle. Blitzwing:<p>

"So, Swindle, where were you born?"

"Earth."

"A little more precisely please?"

"Everybody writes Earth."

"Just tell me."

"Guadalcanal."

"Earth it is."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing died and is now answering to Primus. Primus:<p>

"So, did you do good?"

"On occasion."

"Did you do evil?"

"On occasion."

"Who were you?"

"A policeman."

"All right, here is a crossroad, this road leads to hell and this one leads to heaven, which will you chose?"

Blitzwing, seeing that more people are coming this way:

"I will just stay here at the crossroads for now."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing stops a car. Blitzwing:<p>

"Did you see the stop sign?"

Swindle:

"Um …"

"Did you?"

"Uh …"

"Well?"

"Yes."

Blitzwing, proud:

"My son drew that!"

* * *

><p>Swindle comes up to Red Alert. Swindle:<p>

"Hey, buddy, you seeing any cops around?"

Red Alert:

"No."

"Then give me your wallet!"

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"In Spain, prostitutes must wear light-reflecting clothes. They must be preparing for a visit from Tracks."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing and Prowl meet up and Prowl notices a really fancy watch on Blitzwing's hand. Prowl:<p>

"Hey, what's that?"

"That's a Rollex."

"Oh? I am guessing you caught a mafia boss?"

"No, I let him go."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Hey, Arcee, do you know how many men it takes to kill a cockroach?"

Arcee:

"How many?"

"Five."

"Why?"

"One scares it to go under an armoire and the other four break its legs."

Arcee, after a few astroseconds of thinking, makes a smart face:

"In that case you need seven!"

"Why?"

"Well, the cockroach has six legs, no?"

* * *

><p>A cube of energon – 2 dollars.<p>

A Transklonkers action figure – 20 dollars.

A trip to Cybertron – 1000+ dollars.

Getting your mind scarred by a random fanfic on – priceless.

For everything else, there is the Swindle Card.

* * *

><p>Prowl stops a vehicle and begins checking for everything:<p>

"All right, Wheeljack, everything seems to be fine, all licensing, documents …"

Grimlock, from the back seat:

"Papa, where are the morons?"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod and Arcee found 2 bombs in the area and loaded them up in their car to bring them to a demolition expert so they would disarm them, Arcee:<p>

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Hot Rod:

"Yes!"

"What if one of them explodes on the way?"

"We will just say we found one bomb!"

* * *

><p>Blitzwing is trying to teach his kid. Blitzwing:<p>

"Son! Get up! Work! We got lots of traffic policing to do!"

"What time is it?"

"It's 7."

"That's too early!"

"What are you talking about? Everybody started driving for free 30 minutes ago!"

* * *

><p>From police case notes:<p>

"Under the pressure of 6 leads and 2 pieces of undeniable proof Prowl's arm and three ribs didn't hold …"

* * *

><p>From police case notes:<p>

"The corpse was lying in an erotic pose on the floor and right next to the corpse were the corpse's wife and kids …"

* * *

><p>From police case notes:<p>

"The right leg was cut off, the other one was bent unnaturally and the left one was straight …"

* * *

><p>Swindle, quizzing his son:<p>

"At what speed do you need to drive so that Prowl and Blitzwing won't stop you?"

"50 km/h?"

"No! 180! Otherwise they will catch up to you!"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Hey, Hot Rod, could you take a look at my siren, see if it works?"

Hot Rod:

"Sure."

Prowl transforms and turns on his lights. Hot Rod:

"It works, doesn't work, works, doesn't work, works, doesn't work …"

* * *

><p>Prowl's and Blitzwing's police cars hit each other, the guilty was pronounced Ratchet and Inferno who came for the 9-1-1 call.<p>

* * *

><p>A car runs a red light at 200 kmh, Prowl stops it. Swindle:

"How much?"

"2000!"

"Fine, get in."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing stops a car. Blitzwing:<p>

"Open up your trunk."

Swindle opens the trunk. Blitzwing:

"What the hell is this?"

"That is a dead body."

"No! Where is the first aid kit?"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"What is 90-60-90?"

Arcee, lecherously:

"Well …"

Kup:

"Driving speed near a cop."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing:<p>

"Prowl! I managed to hold one of the people participating in the robbery."

Prowl:

"Who?"

"The guy who got robbed …"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Swindle! Have some shame! I have 6 witnesses who saw you steal that wallet!"

Swindle:

"So? I can bring you a hundred witnesses who didn't see me stealing it!"

* * *

><p>Sprigner:<p>

"So yesterday someone stole my shoes and money."

Kup:

"Did you go to the police?"

"Yeah, it wasn't them …"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"… next time you are stopped by Blitzwing, give him the bribe and once you do, smile and say 'Smile! You are on hidden camera!'."

* * *

><p>From medical notes:<p>

"… the patient has 2 teenage daughters, no other anomalies were found …"

* * *

><p>Prowl, trying to get a crying boy to calm down:<p>

"Little boy, what is your name?"

"I am named after my dad."

"And what's your dad's name?"

"It is same as mine."

"So what are your names?"

"Same names!"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Swindle, where were you on December 5th, 2005 at 11 : 42 p.m.?"

Swindle:

"I was back at my house, sitting on my chair, with a calendar on my hands and looking at the clock."

* * *

><p>Ratchet saved Arcee from getting raped by the constructicons by covering her with his own body.<p>

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"I collect bottle caps."

Seaspray:

"I collect seashells."

Perceptor:

"I collect books."

Blitzwing:

"I collect money."

"How is that?"

"Show me your documents."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Starscream, how did you rape Arcee?"

Starscream, blushing:

"Thank you, it was nice."

* * *

><p>Prowl reads some advertisements in a newspaper:<p>

"Selling a cat, here is the number, ask for Baldy or Boar."

"Will get back your husband with psychic magic, 200 % guarantee."

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"In Brazil they make more visual media about women while in US they make more about men. Well, they make movies about whatever sells the best …"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Blitzwing, did you take any bribes?"

Blitzwing:

"Eh, once …"

"Enough for two?"

* * *

><p>Prowl stops a car. Prowl:<p>

"Your license please."

Hot Rod:

"What is a license?"

"Um, it is the thing that has your picture on it ..."

"Oh! One second please …"

Hot Rod takes out a little mirror and after looking at it for a few seconds:

"Why didn't you tell me you are a policeman?"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod dials 9-1-1. Hot Rod:<p>

"Hi, Prowl?"

"Yes."

"Hi! I am Hot Rod!"

The other side hangs up. Hot Rod dials 9-1-1 again:

"Hi, Prowl?"

"Yes."

"Hi! I am Hot Rod!"

The other side hangs up. Hot Rod dials 9-1-1 again:

"Hi, Prowl?"

"Yes."

"Hi! I am Hot Rod!"

The other side hangs up. Somebody knocks on the door:

"Hi, Hot Rod?"

"Yes."

"This is Prowl."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing:<p>

"My son was born today!"

Prowl:

"Congratulations!'

"No, you don't get it, my son was born!"

"So we will give you some sort of a prize …"

"No, you don't get it, I have a son …"

"Fine, I will raise your pay …"

"No, you don't get it …"

"Fine! Here is a '40 km/h limit' sign, put it wherever you want!"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Blitzwing is a perfect policeman, he is a real dog!"

Kup:

"What? Policemen don't get women …"

"No, he chases after things going fast, he throws himself at drunks and senses when you are afraid …"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Hey, Prowl, how long will it take you to buy a BMW?"

Prowl:

"Hm, 5 months."

Springer:

"Hey, Blitzwing, how long will it take you to buy a BMW?"

"Hm, 15 months."

"Why so long?"

"Well, it is a big company …"

* * *

><p>Telephone rings. Prowl:<p>

"9-1-1, how may I help you?"

Hot Rod:

"I am getting raped!"

"Where?"

"In the aft now!"

"I don't care where you are getting raped but where are you?"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Prowl is walking down the street when suddenly a car stops, Arcee, drunk comes out of it and spits out some candy out of her mouth. Arcee:<p>

"Can you imagine? It was filled with liqueur!"

* * *

><p>Blitzwing, policeman, stops a car. Blitzwing:<p>

"Your license."

Swindle, drunk, gives him a bunch of papers.

"What the hell is this?"

"My licenses."

"I don't care if you have the Mecha Sutra drawn here, where is the money?"

* * *

><p>Prowl, helping Grimlock up after a fight:<p>

"Could you characterize the guy for me?"

Grimlock, drunk, rubbing his fists:

"That what Grimlock do before Prowl came!"

* * *

><p>Tracks, drunk, travelled and at some point wanted to ask where the closest hotel was at so he came up to Prowl and Blitzwing and asked them:<p>

"Pardonez-moi, ou est-ce que je peux trouver un hotel?"

No reaction. Tracks then asks in Spanish, German, Italian, so on and so forth. Blitzwing to Prowl:

"The guy knows so many languages and see where it got him?"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Rodimus! One of your boots is black and the other is brown! Shouldn't you go back home and change?"

Rodimus, drunk:

"That's what I thought too."

"… but?"

"It's the same slag there!"

* * *

><p>Blitzwing stops a car. Blitzwing:<p>

"Why are you driving without a seat-belt?"

Hot Rod, drunk:

"What? You don't like?"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Did you hear? Hot Rod got Alcohol poisoning."

Kup, drunk:

"Why the slag would he drink poisoned alcohol?"

* * *

><p>Prowl stops a car. Prowl:<p>

"Did you drink?"

Kup:

"No."

"Why not?"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**As some of you may or may not know, Super-God Masterforce will be coming out soon! For those who don't know what that is: it is the 2nd series of the Japanese continuity of Transformers after Generation One Season 4, sequel to Headmasters. I pre-ordered a copy and it should arrive at my doorstep by middle of May! I watched it first back in Russia when Transformers were still being aired and later in Canada I watched the fansubs ... now I will be watching the official subs! Wonder if they will ever make OVA copies, would be interesting to see how that would spin out.**

**There we go! Hope you liked Issue 31!**

**Don't forget to leave a review!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing.**


	32. Chapter 32

**_Little Tragedies, Issue 32_**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**So today I come to work and one of my managers comes in, I am sensing he wasn't all that pleased, plus I heard talk of him firing someone. Since I am the new guy I was desperately trying to be The Master of My Own Bladder ... so he comes up to me and tells me to re-organize the pro-biotic stuff we have in one of the fridges so I did. Ten minutes later, he comes up to me with this angry look on his face and was about to say something when he saw what I did to the fridge ...**

**manager: Wow! That is a BEAUTIFUL job! *pulls in one of the employees to come see* **

**employee: sir, I am servicing a customer ...**

**manager: screw that, look at this! **

**employee: o.o woooooow ... dude, that looks really good! Huh ... I didn't know we had five types of fish oil ...**

**manager: me neither!**

**me: *thinking to myself* *I am screwed ... aren't I ... well, it was bound to happen at some point ... guess it is back to job hunting for me ...***

**manager: *turns to me* this is really great! Now come! I will show you the ropes of what I do!**

**me: o.o ... say what ...**

**manger: *smiles* come! We got tons of work to do!**

**At the end of the day he told me that he really wanted to fire someone and I was the target but after seeing how I did things, not only did he not fire me, not only did he say that I was one of the few employees he actually enjoys working with, he will also extend my hours! Normally I work two days a week on Wednesdays and Saturdays but he asked me to come in on Sunday! Woohoo! Moar moneh!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Uncle Sentinel, could you open this jar?"

Sentinel:

"Open up! Police!"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy found a gun when they were playing in the sandbox. Sentinel has been walking around with a very sad look on his face. Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Uncle Sentinel, is this your gun?"

Sentinel:

"No, sorry, I lost mine."

* * *

><p>Tracks comes up to a policeman in a foreign country. Tracks:<p>

"Habla espanol?"

"No."

"Говорите по Русски?"

"No."

"Parlez-vous francais?"

"Oui."

"Crap …"

* * *

><p>Sentinel catches a criminal. Sentinel:<p>

"Name!"

"Smith."

"All of you are Smiths! Next you are gonna tell me you are Jon?"

"Yes! Jon Smith!"

"Yeah, why don't I make this easy for you and you tell me the truth?"

"Fine! I am Leonardo da Vinci!"

"Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Alpha Trion:<p>

"What is the circumference of Earth?"

Sentinel:

"Mmm …"

"What is the 4th Amendment?"

"Mmm …"

"How old is Iacon?"

"Mmm …"

"What letter does 'maternity' start with?"

"Uh …"

* * *

><p>Sentinel through a loud speaker:<p>

"The driver of the train, pull over and stop!"

* * *

><p>Blitzwing comes into a bar and is trying to show off his English:<p>

"Two martinis, please."

"Dry?"

"Zwei!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave calls up Tracks:<p>

"Inquiry: do you like peaches or bananas more?"

Tracks:

"Are you at the market?"

"Negative, location: pharmacy."

* * *

><p>Soundwave:<p>

"Inquiry: would you like some chips?"

Tracks:

"Soundwave! They are bad!"

Soundwave:

"You are bad too but I still want you."

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"If I may ask Arcee …"

Optimus, angrily:

"She does not want to dance!"

Prowl:

"What dance? I am here to arrest her!"

* * *

><p>Blitzwing stops a car. Hot Rod:<p>

"Mr. Policeman, why did you stop me?"

Blitzwing:

"Give me the dough and I will tell you."

* * *

><p>Prowl catches Alpha Trion, his old teacher, break a law while driving:<p>

"Now, take out a piece of paper and write a hundreds times 'I will drive responsibly' …"

* * *

><p>Prowl reads in the newspaper:<p>

"An elite Decepticon Military Squad, The Combaticons raided a warehouse which turned out to be a smuggling base for marijuana. After the fire fight they declared themselves to be Power Rangers and travelled into deep space to fight Pokemon."

* * *

><p>Prowl stops a car. Prowl:<p>

"Where did you get the hammer?"

He doesn't answer.

"Swindle! Where did you get the hammer?"

He doesn't answer.

"Swindle! Where did you get the hammer?"

Then suddenly Swindle smashes the hammer on Prowl's face, knocking him unconscious. Swindle:

"Where did you get it, where did you get it, maybe I bought it …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hello? 9-1-1? There is already a 3rd mech flying by my window and crashing to the ground!"

Blitzwing:

"Did they steal anything from you on their way to the ground?"

"No …"

"Then stop bothering the police!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod applied to become a policeman and now he is writing his exam but he knows nothing. Blitzwing:<p>

"All right, I will pass you if you tell me what is the capital of Cybertron."

Hot Rod:

"Um, the North Pole?"

"No! Iacon is the capital of Cybertron! North Pole is a refrigerator!"

* * *

><p>Blitzwing's first days as a policeman. Blitzwing stops a car. Blitzwing:<p>

"Weapons?"

Swindle:

"Yes, three neutron blasters, a fusion gun and over 500 cases of ammo."

"Um, drugs?"

"20 kilograms of blue stone."

"Eh, um, what's in the trunk?"

"Body of the previous policeman who stopped me, there is room for two more."

"All right, nothing to see here …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Police! Somebody stole my car!"

Blitzwing:

"I know! I saw! Damn they were good."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod decided to play a joke, he came up to a payphone and dialed up Soundwave. Hot Rod:<p>

"Hey! Soundwave! You are a bad Intelligence Officer!"

And hung up. Comes up to the next payphone, dials up Soundwave:

"Hey! Soundwave! You are a bad Intelligence Officer!"

Suddenly someone pats him on the shoulder:

"Apology: sorry. Fact: working as hard as possible."

* * *

><p>Prowl stops a car that ran a red light. Prowl:<p>

"License please."

Springer:

"Oh, sorry, I forgot it at home."

So Prowl takes him to the police station. Prowl:

"Ultra Magnus, here we have a driver without a license."

Springer, taking out his license:

"What are you talking about? Here it is!"

Prowl:

"What? You must be drunk!"

Springer, after using a breathalyzer:

"See? Not drunk!"

Turns to Ultra Magnus:

"He will also say that I ran a red light!"

* * *

><p>A tourist comes up to Blitzwing. Tourist:<p>

"Nimajo, taraka des shimashou piripibiri Coca-Cola?"

Blitzwing:

"I am sorry, I don't understand, where can I buy a bottle of what?"

* * *

><p>Blitzwing and Red Alert are standing in front of a house filled with dangerous outlaws. Blitzwing:<p>

"All right, you go in first and I will avenge you later."

* * *

><p>Blitzwing, inspecting Inferno in his fire truck mode:<p>

"That is illegal! Where is your truck's fire extinguisher?"

* * *

><p>Prowl stops a car. Prowl:<p>

"Whose gun is this?"

Swindle:

"Kalashnikov's."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Blitzwing! Explain to me why the suspect has three broken ribs?"

Blitzwing:

"Eh, sorry, I must be getting old …"

* * *

><p>Blitzwing stops a car. Blitzwing:<p>

"Arcee, did anybody tell you how beautiful your eyes are?"

Arcee, blushing:

"No."

"Then why don't you look at the traffic lights with those beautiful eyes?"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Is it true that he treated this woman just like he treats his wife?"

Ironhide:

"Nope, better."

* * *

><p>Ironhide:<p>

"Hey, Optimus, what is a cow doing in the same picture as you?"

Optimus:

"It's Arcee …"

"Aw, she is cute!"

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"Human men seem to know the following ten things about women:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. They got boobs."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod asks Prowl:<p>

"Are you cheating if you use a condom?"

Prowl:

"Are you killing if you use a silencer?"

* * *

><p>Night, Red Alert decided to take a shortcut through a cemetery and got lost. Finally he sees someone. Red Alert:<p>

"Oh, thank Cybertron there is someone else here!"

Person:

"What did you expect to see here?"

"Some dead people."

"Oh, I remember when I was alive …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Kup! You switched lanes and tripled your speed! I understand a Mechcedes but you are a school bus driver!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Why would the policemen need light-up clothing at night?"

Prowl:

"Well …"

Kup, drunk:

"So that they can see where to put the money."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If there is a whole bunch of angry Decepticons running after you, run to Red Alert! Running away together is more fun!"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Seaspray, why are you sitting in a puddle."

Seaspray, drunk:

"Are you a cop?"

"Yes."

"Land cop or sea cop?"

"I believe I am a land cop."

"Then stay out of our sea cop business!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The one type of people you can call whatever names you want are politicians. Whatever bad things you call them, they end up becoming compliments."

* * *

><p>Prowl, drunk:<p>

"Hey! You three! Come here, both of you! I recognize you buddy …"

* * *

><p>Optimus, drunk:<p>

"Today I lost a few tons of weight!"

Ironhide:

"What? How?"

"I divorced Arcee."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Do not even try to figure out where the tourist was from, why? Because I randomly put syllables together and wrote down whatever I got!**

**So next week on Wednesday I have a simulation lab. To be honest, I have no idea what the frag I am supposed to be doing for it but I will find out on Tuesday in more detail ... as far as I know I will be part of a 8-10 group of other student nurses who will be taking care of a dummy who is apparently a real person ... somehow ...**

**Watched Robot Chicken Starwars spoof ... it was ok, had it's moments.**

**Wanting to watch Victory and see more of Leozak and Hellbat! What are those two up to now~ *nudge nudge***

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


	33. Chapter 33

**Little Tragedies, Issue 33**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Issue 33! Hope you enjoy it!**

**You know, my life is never dull. I am not saying it to make anyone jealous or to brag about it, it's just often times I hear people complain how boring their life is and come to me for advice. You know what I usually tell them? Get off your aft and go do stuff. What kind of stuff? New stuff! Slag you wouldn't normally do! Dance on the street for a minute and then pretend like nothing happened, trust me, you feel so great for an hour and can't stop laughing! You! Self-conscious people! If i could do it a few times, so can you! Close your optics and do whatever your body wants to do! Yes, so, people ask, how do I keep myself busy with random things happening all the time to me. I don't know, honestly, I am some sort of a magnet for random scrap happening! Good and bad at the same time! A different perspective helps too!**

**I can't remember the last time I hung out with my friends ... Primus I miss them!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"I am leaving you! You never stop making comments about my weight!"

Megatron:

"Think of the kid!"

"What kid?"

"Wait, you are not pregnant?"

* * *

><p>Soundwave in a pharmacy:<p>

"A pack of condoms please."

Bumblebee:

"18?"

"Don't know, didn't measure."

* * *

><p>Soundwave to Shockblast:<p>

"Inquiry: can you open beer bottles with your eyes?"

Flipsides:

"Daddy!"

"Don't 'Daddy' daddy! Daddy needs to figure out why you like him!"

* * *

><p>Flipsides:<p>

"Mommy! What is it that hangs from daddy's between the legs?"

Tracks:

"That is, um, a secret!"

"That secret looks a lot like a spike …"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Arcee is walking down the street when a breeze picks up her skirt and she notices someone checking her out. Arcee:<p>

"Sentinel! You are not a gentlemech!"

Sentinel:

"You are not a mech either!"

* * *

><p>Swindle's mom:<p>

"Don't walk around the area at night! It is not safe!"

Swindle:

"Not any more! Look! Four i-phones, two cameras and 400 bucks!"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Hi Miss! How are you?"

Arcee:

"I don't know, let me check the calendar …"

* * *

><p>Thundercracker:<p>

"I saw an intelligent mech today in the mirror!"

Slipstream:

"Then why didn't you turn around?"

* * *

><p>Alpha Trion:<p>

"Khe khe …"

Bumblebee:

"Bless you."

"… but I didn't sneeze."

"I don't give a crap, a boy scout should always be polite."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"I want to go out!"

Soundwave:

"Olive Garden?"

"No, don't feel like it."

"Café L'Amour?"

"No, don't want to."

"El Bulli?"

"Why do you always get to choose?"

* * *

><p>Thundercracker:<p>

"Starscream is a horrible womanizer! All of his women are horrible!"

* * *

><p>Tracks wakes up Soundwave in the middle of the night. Tracks:<p>

"Sweetie! I think there is someone in the house!"

Soundwave:

"Inquiry: what am I supposed to do about it?"

"I don't know, wake up the dog!"

* * *

><p>When Soundwave and Tracks lived in an apartment. Tracks:<p>

"Hey neighbor!"

Mirage:

"Really? Top or bottom?"

"Please, I have a boyfriend!"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"There is something in Arcee …"

Perceptor:

"I even know what! Kindeys, brain, heart, lungs …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod is walking on a sidewalk when Arcee goes out on the balcony:<p>

"Hot Rod! I am scared of you!"

Hot Rod:

"What? Why?"

"You will probably rape me!"

"I am all the way on the ground and you are all the way on the 7th floor!"

"Give me a minute! I will be right down!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Hot Rod, Optimus left for a business trip, want to come over?"

Hot Rod:

"And what will we be doing?"

"Well, we will open a bottle of wine."

"And then?"

"Then we will turn off the light and dance."

"And then?"

"Then we will go to bed."

"And then?"

"And then we are gonna have sex."

"Ok, got the hint, I am coming."

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus in a chat system:<p>

"… first I gently hug you from behind …"

"… um, Ultra Magnus? What the hell are you doing?"

"… then I turn you around to face me …"

"… um …"

"… I tenderly run my hands over your shoulders, your arms and your legs …"

"… um, sir …"

"… then I carefully lie you down on the desk face down …"

"… this is Springer …"

"… then I slam your head and scream: WHERE THE FRAG ARE YOUR REPORTS?"

* * *

><p>Ironhide comes to a fancy restaurant. Ironhide:<p>

"I want a spoon!"

Swindle:

"Here."

"This spoon is dirty!"

"Clean spoons cost 10 dollars."

"What? That is just wrong!"

"If you want to see something wrong, 400 dollars."

"What? I will frag you up!"

"I cost 700!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hot Rod, did you ever interface on a plane?"

Hot Rod:

"No."

"So it wasn't you?"

* * *

><p>Arcee to Smokescreen:<p>

"I want a husband who will listen to what I have to say without interrupting me, who is interested in many things, polite, loves animals, talk about international issues …"

Smokescreen:

"Arcee, it is called a TV …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Hey, Arcee, what's up?"

Arcee:

"Hm, nothing much, Optimus left on a business trip."

"All right then! I am gonna come over!"

"Hey! I am not a woman you can just pay …"

"Who said anything about money?"

* * *

><p>Hound:<p>

"If it was up to me I would throw Mirage out in the dirt!"

Ironhide:

"What? Why?"

"I love him dirty …"

* * *

><p>Optimus and Megatron meet:<p>

"Hey! Megatron! Long time no see!"

Megatron:

"It has been too long! How are you?"

"I got married! Here! Look!"

"It could have been worse …"

"Excuse me?"

"Oh, I am sorry, it couldn't have been worse …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Finally! I couldn't wait 'till this moment arrived!"

Arcee:

"Maybe I should leave?"

"No, don't even think about it!"

"Do you love me?"

"Of course!"

"Did you ever cheat on me?"

"How could this ever cross your mind?"  
>"Will you kiss me?"<p>

"I will!"

"Will you beat me?"

"Never!"

"Can I trust you?"

Now read from bottom to top.

* * *

><p>Smokescreen:<p>

"Arcee, describe yourself."

Arcee:

"Blonde."

"Eyes?"

"I got eyes …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Mine tells me to eat cake because I am too thin!"

Elita One:

"Who is this 'mine'? Optimus?"

"My inner voice …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hello? Mental asylum?"

Smokescreen:

"Yes."

"My cat is explaining to Optimus Pythagoras' theorem."

"Address?"

"Cullen Street 42, apartment 101."

"Will be there soon …"

"No, no, take your time!"

"Why?"

"I want to hear more about it!"

* * *

><p>Optimus comes home:<p>

"Arcee, I got a problem …"

Arcee:

"No, no, we got a problem, we are married now!"

"Fine, we got a problem. Our secretary is having our child."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"I wake up and think: something is wrong …"

Springer:

"And?"

"That 'something is wrong' wakes up and stares back at me."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! You won't believe it! I got on the bus and three guys lent me their seats!"

Optimus:

"So, did you fit?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I broke up with Optimus."

Elita One:

"What? Why?"

"Would you be able to live with a person who cheats on you let and right, drinks, comes home drunk late, is mean to you and smokes like a chimney?"

"No."

"Neither could he."

* * *

><p>Back in university. Firestar and Arcee were sharing a room. Elita One:<p>

"Oh! How neat! You have two towels! One with a big letter F and another with a big letter A! Firestar and Arcee?"

Firestar:

"Face and Aft."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey, would you sleep with Optimus?"

Elita One:

"No, he is not as good as my new bondmate."

"That's true …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Every fembot thinks that they are irreplaceable and unique and that they can replace any other fembot with ease."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"A real gentleman is someone who calls a cat he tripped over a cat."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"What is a difference between a bitch and a slut?"

Arcee:

"Well …"

Kup, drunk:

"A slut sleeps with everyone, a bitch sleeps with everyone but you."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The greatest delusions of fembots: he is willing to change for me. The greatest delusions of malebots: she is not going anywhere."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"What a sober fembot thinks up, a drunk malebot will never be able to do."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"What a fembot wants is not something malebots can afford."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Things are easier for malebots, they see the fembot breasts but the fembots always have a surprise waiting for them …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The female Praying Mantis kills her male mate to avoid the torture of a single question: will he call?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"People say that if a fembot wears a red dress, people will notice her. What, people won't notice a malebot wearing a red dress?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If you come home, bondmate is cooking something tasty, kids are doing their homework and the pet is not making any noise and the apartment is clean, it means they broke your computer."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"In order to save your family from never-ending fights, you need patience, understanding and two TVs."

* * *

><p>Arcee, drunk:<p>

"It's easy for malebots! If they need clothes, they just go and buy them!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Don't be born beautiful, be born unique."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

Smart malebot + smart fembot = light flirting

Smart malebot + stupid fembot = a single mother

Stupid malebot + smart fembot = a normal family

Stupid malebot + stupid fembot = a heroic mother

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"From the point of view of a malebot their gifts to fembots divide into 2 categories. 1 – she doesn't like it and 2 – what the hell does she need it for?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Just turn on your computer and all of your grandiose plans for the day become non-existent."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Hope you enjoyed it!**

**I always wondered what kind of a drunk I am. Not really going to just randomly try it, I grew up in a family of alcoholics and dealt with a bunch of drunk people on more than one occasion, sometimes getting drunk is not all fun and games. Fortunately it is not the case for our favorite characters! Like Kup or Grimlock!**

**Leave a review or a comment!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


	34. Chapter 34

_**Little Tragedies, Issue 34**_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**A friend of mine and me were discussing about how interesting things can be and if there are "good" and "bad" kind of "interesting". We came to different answers. Mine was that there is no such thing is "bad" "interesting", why?**

**Well, think about it, have you never at some random point gotten outside of your character, surprising yourself with how different from your usual self you can be and thinking things you would normally never think? Just me? Huh, should probably hunt down my psychiatrist ... this is the fifth one that runs away from me! .**

**Mass Effect is an ok game, it is not the best but it is not the worst either ...**

**Tomorrow at one of our location stores we are going to have some sort of a yoga demonstration and they want me to come there ... I honestly have no idea why ... I am not stretchy ... and I do not think I am allowed to wear yoga pants ... or are those or just chicks? Either way, Imma gettin' moneh babeh!**

**I don't get it! People at work call me cute ... *squints* ... organized ... *tilts head* ... helpful ... *raises eyebrow* ... well-mannered ... *strokes chin* ... man I need to shave ...**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Tracks wakes up in the morning and wants to find Ravage:<p>

"Where are you, my furry little wonder?"

Soundwave:

"I am in the kitchen."

Rumble:

"I am on the toilet."

Frenzy:

"I am brushing my teeth."

Flipsides:

"I am still sleeping."

Ravage doesn't make a sound.

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"Megatron! I got good news and bad news."

Megatron:

"Hm, all right."

"I am leaving you."

"What's the bad news?"

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"Why can't I come in? You said that your doors are always open for me!"

Megatron:

"Only when you are inside."

* * *

><p>Flipsides to Ratchet:<p>

"Mommy says that healthy food is vegetables and fruits. Daddy says that healthy food is meat, fish and milk. Uncle Kup says that everyday I should drink a bottle of vodka. Could you help me out here?"

"Well, in the morning think that your dad is right and in the evening that your mother is right."

"So uncle Kup, I should just ignore him?"

"How old is he?"

"817."

"He gave you some epic advice!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave:<p>

"Tracks, please, enjoy your cake."

Tracks:

"No, it's ok, I am full."

"… but you will love it"

"No, I can't eat anymore!"

"Look at how beautiful it is!"

"I don't eat past six …"

"Just eat the fragging thing! There is a ring in it! I want to marry you!"

* * *

><p>Tracks reads on a dating site:<p>

"I have experienced the sweetness of love and the poison of betrayal, I am the crushed flower under the wheels of fate, I am a blank shot in the ammo strip of life. Flipsides, 6."

* * *

><p>Megatron:<p>

"Starscream, if I raped you, would you hate me?"

Starscream:

"Yes."

"A lot?"

"Just a little."

* * *

><p>Thundercracker:<p>

"Huh, I thought you threw away all my stuff."

Slipstream:

"No, the teddy bear is not responsible for you being a douche."

* * *

><p>Back in highschool. Arcee:<p>

"Mom, I think I am pregnant."

Arcee's mom:

"What? Where was your head, young lady?"

"I think it was under the steering wheel."

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"My hands are so cold, if only someone would help me warm them up …"

Megatron:

"What a coincidence! There is a sink full of dirty dishes!"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Sweetie, could you turn on the TV?"

Soundwave:

"Affirmative."

"What's on?"

"Let's get married."

"Oh, yes! Let's! I love you Soundwave!"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Soundwave, will you invite me to your marriage?"

Soundwave:

"Negative, I will come to my wedding alone …"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Arcee texts Firestar:<p>

"I bought Optimus new underwear, next time you sleep with him, check them out."

A few hours later. Firestar:

"There is a box of 'Rafaello' for you in the underwear."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"My boyfriend is an alcoholic."

Elita One:

"Tell Optimus that it is not a profession."

"I don't know, he takes it seriously …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"So, Optimus, who are you going to dress up as this Halloween?"

Optimus:

"Shrek."

"Did you buy the mask yet?"

"No. Who are you going as?"

"A beautiful girl."

"Did you buy your mask yet?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Have you ever been scared to lose me?"

Optimus:

"Yes."

"Aw, how sweet …"

"The other day when we were getting on the bus, I got a little left behind and you had the money …"

* * *

><p>Optimus and Ironhide got married to Arcee and Chromia on the same day. In the main hall, the others have posted:<p>

"Congratulations to Optimus Prime and Ironhide on their marriage."

* * *

><p>First Aid's first day on the job. Optimus is admitted with a cracked skull. First Aid, filling up the form:<p>

"Married?"

Optimus:

"No, I got in a car accident."

* * *

><p>Two couples, Arcee and Optimus, Elita One and Ultra Magnus, come to Smokescreen for a therapy session:<p>

"No matter how hard we try, we can't interface."

Smokescreen:

"Try switching partners."

On the next day. Arcee:

"So, Elita One, how did you like it?"

"Oh! That was wonderful! Let's go check out how the boys are doing."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Show me the letter! This is obviously a fembot writing! Why are your optics so red and pale? Are you cheating on me?"

Optimus:

"This is the bill from your beauty salon."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"If you are so beautiful, why is your hair colored?"

Arcee:

"If I am so scary, why aren't you drinking?"

* * *

><p>Tracks decided to end a relationship because the mech never stops correcting him so he comes over to their house. Tracks:<p>

"Bluestreak, we need to talk."

"I am Mirage …"

"Nothing I do is ever good enough for you, huh?"

* * *

><p>Elita One is comforting a crying Arcee:<p>

"Don't worry, Arcee, life is like a stripe …"

Arcee:

"Sometimes it is a single stripe, sometimes two …"

* * *

><p>Optimus is whining to Elita One:<p>

"Fembots take everything so personal!"

Three other fembots from different tables turn around:

"I don't!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"What's the odd one out: water, bun, vodka, juice?"

Arcee:

"Water."

"Why?"

"Water doesn't have any calories in it."

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"Hm, where is the G spot in fembot bodies?"

Springer:

"In 'shopping'."

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Tracks, drunk:<p>

"Malebots have two reproductive organs, the spike and the brain. Fembots love fragging with both."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembots can do anything, they are just too shy."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"The guy said and the guy did."

Kup, drunk:

"Wrong! The guy said, then his bondmate reminded, then his bondmate reminded them again, then again, then again, then the guy gets so annoyed that he does what he said."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Every malebot should plant a tree, build a house and get a kid. The problem with that is who will water the tree, clean the house and raise the kid."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Even the most independent mech loves it when someone rubs their back in the shower."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Every fembot should have a certain mystery to them, not a giant word puzzle."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If you really think that fembots are weak, try pulling the blanket on your side in the middle of the night."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"For some fembots it is not enough that their malebots are fed, they have to feed them up."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"It is hard to forgive a betrayal, especially if you are betraying others."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Being a decent transformer is not a profession."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"A gentleman is a malebot that the fembot does not yet know that well."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Every fembot must remember that the rarer you cook dinner, the tastier it will be."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Manly fembots and feminine malebots- what, the, frag?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"When a fembot looks beautiful, she kills three rabbits with one stone: she makes herself happy, the guys are in awe and the other fembots are pissed off."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"I don't have a wife, kids or a mother-in-law. So many good things are in my life!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembots are the most powerful drug, some get addicted even before the first use."

Tracks:

"What about me?"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong>

**For the people who drink energy drinks, don't use Red Bull, I tried it a few times and it didn't really do anything ... fell asleep faster than usual! Monster, on the other hand, stayed alive on 4 cans of that stuff for good 72 hours! Brain was kinda malfunctioning but I got the job done! Which was ... to do something stupid ... shut up ... MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!**

**In any case, hope you enjoyed issue 34!**

**Be kind and leave a review!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing.**


	35. Chapter 35

**_Little_ _Tragedies, Issue 35_**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**So tomorrow is going t be my last class! No more 8+ hours of taking care of multiple newborns and their parents ... I will kinda miss that ... sure I am not getting paid but there was something to it that keeps drawing me there ... oh well! All the students are pitching in 20 bucks to get one of those big aft cakes that can apparently feed 50 people ...**

**Gonna focus on work this summer and ask them to extend my hours even further. Sure, I started off with 12 and they gave me 11 more but my tuitions are not going to pay for themselves! Maybe I should pick up a second job ...**

**I think every Tuesday I will dedicate the whole day to just drawing. I haven't touch my tools in such a long time! .**

**The only two reasons I am waiting for The Avengers movie are Tony Stark and Thor. Everybody else can get fragged for all I care.**

**So today I stumbled upon this ... http:/ tf / wiki/ King ... just remove the spaces or look it up there ...**

**Enjoy the issue!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Mirage is trying to woo his date:<p>

"Would you like wine or vodka?'

Slipstream:

"Wine, please."

"Red or white?"

"Red."

"Iaconian or Charrian?"

"Iaconian."

"Sweet, half-sweet or strong?"

"Urgh to hell with it! Give me vodka!"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"How to captivate a man:

Come up to him.

Look him in the eyes.

Cry and run away."

* * *

><p>Mirage:<p>

"You are not my taste."

Tracks:

"You didn't try me yet."

* * *

><p>Back in highschool. Arcee's mom:<p>

"Where are you?"

Arcee:

"Just walking around."

"It's dark!"

"So?"

"Isn't it scary?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I am scary."

* * *

><p>Flipsides:<p>

"Mommy, where do you put tampons?"

Tracks, choking on an apple:

"Um, where the babies come from."

"Into a crane?"

* * *

><p>Arcee comes up to Soundwave:<p>

"Excuse me, I think you are the father of a few of my kids."

Soundwave:

"Inquiry: WHAT?"

"From my class …"

"Oh …"

* * *

><p>Megatron:<p>

"I want things to be the way they used to be."

Starscream:

"When we were together?"

"When I didn't know about you."

* * *

><p>Tracks to Soundwave before their first interface:<p>

"Don't ask me where I learned it, just enjoy!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave decided to play a prank on Tracks and gave him a pregnancy test with one of the stripes drawn on it. Tracks:<p>

"Sweetie, what do three stripes mean?"

* * *

><p>Flipsides and Shockblast are kissing. Soundwave, angrily:<p>

"Threat: I will show you how to kiss my daughter ..."

Shockblast:

"No thanks, I know how."

* * *

><p>Tracks, Soundwave, Flipsides, Rumble and Frenzy are having dinner when the phone rings. Soundwave:<p>

"I will pick it up."

Soundwave picks up the phone. Soundwave:

"Hello?"

A kid's voice from the other side of the line:

"Daddy?"

* * *

><p>Arcee is walking down a country road when Lugnut passes by her on a car. Lugnut:<p>

"Arcee, want me to drive you?"

Arcee:

"Sure! Thanks!"

So they are driving and at some point Lugnut puts his hand on her leg. Arcee:

"Remember psalm 129."

"Forgive my moment of weakness."

Sometime later, he again puts his arm there. Arcee:

"Remember psalm 129."

"Forgive me."

This happens a few more times, finally he drops her off, goes home and sees what is psalm 129:

"Aim higher and you shall achieve victory."

* * *

><p>Malebots: Fembots never say "Yes" straight out.<p>

Fembots: if you want something, talk clearer.

* * *

><p>Flipsides, Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Daddy, is it true that in some countries you don't know who you will marry?"

Soundwave, sighing:

"That's in every country."

* * *

><p>Rumble sends Frenzy a text message:<p>

"Parents left for their vacation, called the girls, they will be coming; bought the beer, get some condoms."

By accident, Rumble sent it to Soundwave. Soundwave:

"Got it, will be there in a second. Want vodka?"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack calls up Soundwave. Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Hello?"

Wheeljack:

"Oh, hey guys! How are you two?"

"Great! Thanks for asking, Uncle Wheeljack! How are you?"

"I am good! Hey, you think I could talk to Tracks?"

"Mommy can't, he is in the bathroom."

"Oh, ok. What about Soundwave?"

"He is in the bathroom too."

"Oh, you think they will come out of there anytime soon? It's kinda important."

"No, sorry, there is no way they will be coming out of there any time soon."

"Why not?"

"Daddy asked us for some Vaseline but we didn't have any so we gave him some glue …"

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"Do you love me?"

Megatron:

"Yes."

"Then let's get married!"

"You can't change the subject just like that!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave, after his first date with Tracks, goes to a pharmacy, buys 12 condoms and asks for a tiny chocolate bar. Bumblebee:<p>

"You are not gonna get that much for just one chocolate bar."

Soundwave, grinning:

"Oh, yes he will."

* * *

><p>Flipsides, Rumble and Frenzy – a kid's wisdom:<p>

"If mommy is laughing at daddy's jokes, that means we got guests."

* * *

><p>Megatron and Starscream wake up. Megatron kisses Starscream on the forehead. Starscream:<p>

"Aw, how cute …"

Megatron:

"Why aren't you turning into a beautiful princess?"

* * *

><p>Starscream looks at himself in the mirror:<p>

"I think I gained some weight and just look horrible. A compliment would be nice right about now!"

Megatron:

"You are always right."

* * *

><p>Cosmos is waiting for his kid to pick them up from school. Arcee:<p>

"Excuse me, are you with a child?"

Cosmos:

"No, I am just fat."

* * *

><p>Arcee at a confession:<p>

"Forgive me for I have sinned. Every time I look at the mirror I always think about how beautiful I am."

Lugnut:

"Keep on doing it, it is simply a delusion."

* * *

><p>Soundwave comes to a sport store, wanting to get Tracks a jumpsuit he always wanted. Soundwave:<p>

"Inquiry: excuse me, I don't know my bondmate's measurements, would you mind helping me out? He is 175 cm tall and weighs 50 kilograms. What would you recommend?"

Blackarachnia:

"A statue in his honor."

* * *

><p>Soundwave and Tracks got into a fight. Tracks said that he will be going to a gym and Soundwave will go biking. In the end both met up in a pastry shop.<p>

* * *

><p>Tracks, using a nail, scratched a message on Soundwave's most expensive car:<p>

"I forgive you."

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Hound:<p>

"Mirage! You are such a treasure sometimes, I just want to bury you."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I am drowning in your eyes!"

Arcee:

"They are brown!"

"So?"

"Do you even know what you are drowning in?"

* * *

><p>Sunstreaker is drawing Perceptor when he suddenly comes up to him and kisses. Perceptor:<p>

"What are you doing? Do you kiss all your models?"

Sunstreaker:

"No, you are the first."

"How many did you have?"

"Four: an onion, a fish and a chair."

* * *

><p>Kup sits down on the bus with a dog. Arcee:<p>

"Excuse me, would you mind going somewhere else with your dog? I am getting fleas jumping all over me!"

Kup to his dog:

"Let's go, this woman has fleas."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Tell me, yes or no, ok?"

Wheeljack:

"Sure."

"Why do people laugh at blondes?"

"Yes."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"What would you do if I died?"

Hot Rod:

"I would shoot myself."

"… but your gun is being repaired."

"Then I will borrow Springers and give it back after."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"All your friends are ugly!"

Arcee:

"All your friends drink!"

"Yes, because all your friends are ugly!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Sweetie!"

Arcee:

"Yes, kitty?"

"Would you mind making me a cup of energon, honey?"

"Definitely, dear."

"Thanks, love!"

"You are welcome, sweetheart."

"Wait, so you don't remember what my name is too?"

* * *

><p>Elita One, angrily:<p>

"By the way Arcee smiled at Optimus, I noticed that she has too many teeth …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod and Arcee wake up. Hot Rod:<p>

"I love you, I am probably your first?"

Arcee, still waking up:

"Today – yes."

* * *

><p>A date between Arcee and Optimus. Optimus is late. Arcee:<p>

"He is late and didn't even apologize!"

Optimus comes:

"I am sorry …"

"To hell with your apologies!"

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"My hand is tired!"

Arcee:

"Oh, sweetie, if you need someone …"

"No, I was helping out Wheeljack …"

"Now you are just screwing with my imagination!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"If malebots like beautiful women that are hard to get, I will put on a ton of make-up and lock myself in a safe."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Ratchet! I keep talking to Optimus for hours upon hours but he doesn't say a single word in response! He probably has some sort of a psychological disorder!"

Ratchet:

"No, that's not it."

"Oh? What is then?"

"Talent."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I make so much money that I can support three fembots like you!"

Arcee:

"Really?"

"Yes."

"In that case my mom and grandma are gonna move in …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I am going to ask Arcee out."

Ironhide:

"Ok, Prime, seriously, why the frag are you doing this? Name me at least one good thing about her! Her intelligence? Is she nice?"

"She doesn't watch Bichaly May's Transklonkers."

"MARRY HER!"

* * *

><p>Optimus and Arcee are lying on a bed and both stare at the ceiling. Arcee thinks:<p>

"He is not talking to me, he must have stopped loving me!"

Optimus thinks:

"How the hell can a fly walk on the ceiling?"

* * *

><p>Arcee and Hot Rod are stargazing. Hot Rod:<p>

"Hey, you see that star?"

Arcee:

"Yes."

"That's me. You see that star?"

"Yes."

"That's you. You see my star being on top of that other star?"

Arcee, lecherously:

"Yes."

"That's me on a dirt bike …"

* * *

><p>Arcee just gave birth. Arcee:<p>

"So is the worst over?"

Ratchet:

"The worst is about to come for over 18 years."

* * *

><p>It takes seven seconds for energon to reach your stomach.<p>

The length of the malebot spike is three times the length of their thumb.

Fembots blink twice as much as male bots.

Fembots have already read and finished this text, the malebots are still staring at their thumb.

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"It is so hard to reach Optimus sometimes!"

Smokescreen:

"Why don't you get a cellphone?"

Arcee:

"You think it is pleasant for me to hear a fembot voice saying that he is unavailable?"

* * *

><p>When Optimus met Elita One, they began dating. After a whole year of dating he proposed to her and all preparations went underway. The only thing that bothered Optimus was Firestar, her younger sister: she always wore mini-skirts and tight tank tops. On the day before the wedding Firestar called up Optimus Prime to help her out with the preparations and Optimus came. Firestar, at some point:<p>

"Optimus! I really want to interface with you! I know you are going to get married to my sister but it will be a one-time thing! If you want to, I will be waiting for you in the bedroom."

Optimus, confused, stood there for a good minute and then left the house and got into the car when Alpha Trion randomly popped out:

"I am very glad you passed our little test, now I know that you are the man for my daughter. Welcome to the family!"

Malebots: leave condoms in the car.

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Elita One, I don't think I can marry you! They say that you had a lot men!"

Elita One:

"Do you not like how I cook?"

"No, I love it!"

"Maybe you do not like how I clean the house?"

"No, it is very clean!"

"Maybe you do not like how I treat guests?"

"No, it is great!"

"Maybe you do not like our interface life?"

"Are you kidding me? I never thought it was possible to have that much pleasure!"

"Please tell me you do not think that I learned all these things in high school and university …"

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"Statistics show that malebots have 1.5 more interfaces than fembots."

Ratchet:

"With whom?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"So I bought a tea for weight loss."

Elita One:

"And?"

"It is goes very good with cake!"

* * *

><p>Swindle is selling weight loss pills:<p>

"Arcee, here are two pills, take them before you sleep and come back for two more if you wake up …"

* * *

><p>Arcee at a carnival comes to the horse rides:<p>

"Excuse me, I recently lost a lot of weight but I am afraid that I may still have some. It won't get scared if I sit on it, will it?"

Hound:

"Don't worry, it doesn't look back."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I am so depressed! Optimus is cheating on me! I lost so much weight!"

Elita One:

"Then break up with him!"

"I can't!"

"Why not?"

"I still have three kilograms to get rid of!"

* * *

><p>Smokescreen:<p>

"Fembot logic is the opposite of malebot logic."

Arcee:

"You are wrong!"

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"Every German plumber wishes to be called just to fix the plumbing in the house."

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"When the Frenchman was inventing the piano, he was thinking about a woman. When the Spaniard was inventing the guitar, he was also thinking about a woman. When the Italian man was inventing the violin, he was, too, thinking about a woman. Question: what the hell was the Russian man thinking about when he was inventing the balalaika?"

* * *

><p>Optimus' phone rings and he picks it up. Optimus:<p>

"Hello?"

"Hey, you do remember that we are going to the theatre today?"

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Which one?"

"The Globe Theatre."

"What's on?"

"A Shakesperian play."

"What seats?"

"Front row."

"All right, just one question."

"Yes?"

"Who the frag is this?"

* * *

><p>Rodimus comes to the IT department and gives Wheeljack a whole bunch of papers. Rodimus:<p>

"Send those over email to Ultra Magnus."

Wheeljack, confused:

"I can't …"

"Why not?"

Wheeljaack, after a facepalm:

"… because we ran out of electronic envelopes …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey! Girls! I got two positive pregnancy tests here, anybody wants to borrow them and scare the crap out of your malebots?"

* * *

><p>Elita One:<p>

"You look a lot like my third husband."

Ultra Magnus:

"How many did you have?"

"Two."

* * *

><p>Elita One:<p>

"You lost so much weight!"

Arcee:

"Is that a compliment?"

"It's a horror!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Buy me a carpet!"

Optimus:

"Fly on a broom."

* * *

><p>Elita One:<p>

"Do you love your husband?"

Arcee:

"Of course! I love malebots!"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Starscream, drunk:<p>

"I will name my kids Control, Alt and Delete. If any crap happens, I will just hit all three of them."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Heaven that you cannot leave turns into hell."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"A realist doesn't give a crap if the glass is half-full or half-empty, they care about what is in it."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Interestingly, the fembots that don't throw themselves on your neck, are more noticed by the optics."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"He promised he would call her when she least expects it but she always waited which is why he never called."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembots can never be too fat, just more places to kiss."

* * *

><p>Arcee, drunk:<p>

"Why do people say that we, fembots, love money? Look at the speed we get rid of it!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"How do you tell real love from fake love?"

Smokescreen:

"Well …"

Kup, drunk:

"Fake love: I adore the snowdrops in your hair, you look so pretty. Real love: where the frag is your hat?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Our grandkids will have a horrible childhood: their grandparents with tattoos, piercings and dancing hip-hop …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"When the bride throws the bouquet into the crowd, the fembots are all trying to catch it and the malebots are standing off to the side thinking: I hope it's not my girlfriend, I hope it's not my girlfriend …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembot logic is the death of malebot psych."

Arcee:

"Hey!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"How do I tell her that I love her?"

Kup, drunk:

"I don't need anything other than you and the TV."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"After years of marriage Arcee and me began thinking the same way."

Kup, drunk, choking:

"She thinks about fembots too?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"It is not that hard to make a fembot happy, what's hard is keeping yourself happy."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If a malebot washes any of his clothes – they are his last."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Millions of people want immortality and yet they do not know what they will do tomorrow."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"The guy who invented the telephone is a genius."

Hot Rod:

"Maybe it was a fembot who invented it? They talk for hours on those."

Kup, drunk:

"That's why he invented the telephone, to have some peace."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"An adult is a kid whose wish to grow up was granted."

* * *

><p>Arcee, drunk:<p>

"The most beautiful thing about a malebot is his brains – you can frag with them all you want and it is always entertaining!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Why are girls so nice, kind and caring when women are mean and hurtful?"

Kup, drunk:

"Primus made girls, you guys turn them into women."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"A malebot can swear anything when a fembot's heart is in his servos."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembots only need one thing from their malebots – everything."

* * *

><p>Perceptor read a book about being a social person and it said there that you should smile a lot so Perceptor decided to smile the whole day. Wheeljack:<p>

"Perceteh, if ya come tah work drunk again, I'll fire you!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Some fembots are like police: they will talk slag to you, take your money, make you feel horrible and you end up the bad guy."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"A single malebot is a wiseman. A married malebot is a philosopher. A twice married malebot is a fragging moron."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Why do fembots get married?"

Kup, drunk:

"Lack of life experience."

Trailbreaker:

"Why do they divorce?"

Kup, drunk:

"Lack of patience."

Springer:

"Why do they get married again?"

Kup, drunk:

"Lack of memory."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembots do not like two words: no and more. Especially if there is the word 'money' right after."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"It is best to write your lover off in your cell phone as 'Unknown Number'."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"On the intergalactic fembot symposium they talked about three things: nothing to wear, all malebots are morons and how to lose weight."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Have any of you noticed how great Megatron is in every continuity at screaming "RETREEEEAAAT!"?**

**So I finished playing Mass Effect 2 and waiting for Mass Effect 3 to download. I am hoping this to be among the last games I play (except for Fall of Cybertron). Mass Effect is pretty good, it is not the worst and not the best. Mass Effect 2 is definitely an improvement although the final boss fight could have been more challenging ...**

**Some recent events proved to me once more that if you approach the problem with humor instead of anger, it will go away sooner. I strongly suggest for everyone to do that, my life certainly got tons better!**

**There is this cartoon called "Bots Master", look up the intro, it is quite catchy but Transformers blows that thing away. I may possibly watch it at some point.**

**Speaking of which, some companies are coming back to a lot of 80's and 90's cartoons and re-making them into high quality! Among the lesser known are Ulysses 31, Pole Position, Pirates of Black Water, Jem, Wheel Warriors, Street Sharks, Toxic Crusaders, Silver Hawks, The Gummy Bears (yes, they made a cartoon), Cops, Inspector Gadget, Astroboy (FOR THE LOVE OF PRIMUS NOT THE NEW ONE), Biker Mice from Mars, Centurions, Drak Pack, Happy Days Gang (yes, they made a cartoon), Heathcliff, Richie Rich, Catdog and TONS more!**

**In any case, I hope you enjoyed the issue!**

**Don't forget to leave a review!**


	36. Chapter 36

**_Little Tragedies, Issues 36_**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Pirates of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is actually a pretty good movie! It is definitely better than the last two ...**

**Guys! There is a show that needs our help! Community is probably the smartest comedy out there but it is not getting the ratings it deserves to stay on the air so after season 3 it will probably be cancelled!**

**What the frag! Seriously! Rescue Bots? Have you guys seen the animation style? It is horrendous! I thought watching fat people do yoga was torture!**

**Transformers Prime ... season 2 I still have to tackle ... I am waiting until they have more episodes because I like my shows in bulk.**

**I am going to miss going to the hospital, it was such a nice place, sure I wasn't getting paid or anything but there was something special about subtly showing some of my colleagues how much better I am than them and taking care of little kiddies at the same time as I send families to begin their journeys to parenthood!**

**I really do not get why people have such a hard time with babies like calming them down or bathing them ... maybe it is just me but I never had any trouble with any of it, on my end it all kinda came naturally on top of being overly obvious ...**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>A very dense fog. Tracks can't see anything so he follows a car in front of him. Suddenly, the car stops and Tracks crashes into it. Tracks:<p>

"What happened?"

Ultra Magnus:

"I drove into my garage …"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack calls up Soundwave. Tracks:<p>

"Hello?"

Wheeljack:

"Oh, hey Tracks! Would you mind giving me your bondmate?"

"Soundwave isn't here."

"Where is he?"

"In the Internet."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

Were you born in a marriage?"

Starscream:

"Kinda."

"Huh?"

"My father was married, mom wasn't."

* * *

><p>In a restaurant. Suddenly, one of the clients falls down to the ground and is not breathing.<p>

Arcee:

"Maybe I should perform CPR?"

Bumblebee:

"There is still a chance that he lives …"

* * *

><p>Tracks comes to a pharmacy. Tracks:<p>

"I want something to help me with insomnia."

Bumblebee:

"Like what?"

"Like a pregnancy test."

* * *

><p>Soundwave screams in a store:<p>

"I need a pack of matches!"

Bumblebee:

"Stop screaming, I am not deaf! Do you want Marlboro or Pall Mall?"

* * *

><p>Back in high school. Arcee:<p>

"… and then I whisper to Warpath that I am not wearing any underwear."

Elita One:

"What, why?"

"Well I read in one magazine that doing that will turn malebots on."

"What did he say?"

"Are you stupid? How could you forget underwear?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, if I jump into a river, will you save me from drowning?"

Optimus:

"If I say yes, will you jump?"

* * *

><p>A nudist beach. In order to avoid any burns to his spike, Soundwave covered it up with a hat. Arcee walks by. Arcee:<p>

"Excuse me, if you were a real gentleman, you would raise your hat."

Soundwave:

"If you were a real lady, it would raise all by itself."

* * *

><p>Soundwave:<p>

"Inquiry: Tracks, where were you?"

Tracks:

"Ummm …"

"The Internet history has been cleared and the firewall databanks are suspiciously empty …"

* * *

><p>Tracks is looking for presents for his grown up Rumble and Frenzy. Tracks:<p>

"Excuse me, what would you recommend as a present for two seventeen year-old boys?"

Bumblebee:

"Two seventeen year-old girls."

* * *

><p>Starscream;<p>

"What would I need to do to you to get you to love me?"

Megatron:

"Apply anesthetics."

* * *

><p>Back in high school. Arcee:<p>

"So I found this guy Starscream on this dating site …"

Everybody else:

"Really?"

"Yeah, he said that he prefers to interface for money. From his pictures it kinda looks like he will be paying …"

* * *

><p>Bumblebee:<p>

"Hey! Soundwave! I taught your daughter to, um, fweet fweet fweet, um, whistle!"

* * *

><p>Arcee and Elita One went out for a girls' night out and they are already sitting at a bar and talking. Hot Rod:<p>

"Hey, Smokescreen, a beer for the ladies."

Arcee and Elita One didn't feel like starting anything with anyone so they decided to pretend like they are lesbians. Arcee:

"We are lesbians."

Hot Rod:

"What's that?"

"We love only women."

"Hey! Smokescreen! Three beers for us, lesbians!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave noticed that Flipsides' belly got a little more round. Soundwave:<p>

"Inquiry: Shockblast, will you marry Flipsides or not?"

Shockblast:

"I have a choice?"

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"Where did you find that ugly thing?"

Tracks:

"He is not ugly and he bought me an island on Hawaii!"

"Where did you find that beautiful and majestic creature?"

* * *

><p>Back in high school. Arcee:<p>

"Excuse me, do you have any pregnancy tests?"

"We have these, this and that."

"Oh, do you have anything cheaper?"

"There are chamomiles right behind the store …"

* * *

><p>Warpath and Mirage are talking. Warpath:<p>

"I am handsome and smart."

Mirage:

"Indeed. Why don't you get married?"

"I am smart."

* * *

><p>Tracks, lecherously:<p>

"Soundwave, I bought new underwear, guess what is says on it."

Soundwave:

"Made in China."

Tracks, blushing:

"How did you know?"

* * *

><p>Megatron:<p>

"Straxus, do look at that! I got Starscream a new dress!"

Straxus:

"Megatron! Do look at that! I got a whole new girlfriend!"

* * *

><p>Slipstream:<p>

"Hey, Skywarp, let's go over to my house."

Skywarp:

"All right."

They go to her house and go inside her room. Slipstream:

"We gotta be quiet, my mom is Chief of Police and my dad is a general in the army."

Skywarp, thinking, freaking out:

"Scary!"

"We gotta be really quiet, my brother just came back from black-ops training."

"Scary!"

"Hey, Skywarp, want an unforgettable night?"

Skywarp, calming down, with a glint of hope:

"Y-yes."

"HELP! I AM GETTING RAPED!"

* * *

><p>Arcee is trying to flirt with Wheeljack while he's working. Arcee:<p>

"So, what are you studying?"

Wheeljack:

"Quantum mechanics."

"Oh, the mathematical description of the particle and wave duality of matter and energy using wave functions, encapsulating probabilities of what state any given system can be found in at any given point in time, incorporating the uncertainty principle into it? Oh, I don't know anything about that stuff …"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Soundwave, let's set up some goals now that we have kids."

Soundwave:

"Inquiry: like what?"

"Well, for one, let's stop drinking …"

"Crap!"

"You can be impossible sometimes! The other thing was not to swear …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave comes home, slightly disturbed. Tracks:<p>

"What wrong?"

Soundwave:

"Look."

Shows Tracks the back of his jeans and the brand said 'Soundy Wave'. Tracks:

"So?"

"Six people at work said that I picked the jeans up according to my name."

"Uh-huh …"

"Six people at work look at my aft!"

* * *

><p>At some point Tracks and Soundwave decided to teach Rumble and Frenzy how to drive. Soundwave chose to teach Rumble and Frenzy went off with Tracks. After a while. Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy! Am I driving properly?"

Tracks:

"Did you see that mech in a mini-skirt?"

"No."

"Sorry, son, you still need to learn."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Take example from me! I am married and I love the same man for over 20 years!"

Flipsides:

"I wonder what daddy would say once he finds out."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus! I decided to lose weight!"

Optimus:

"Really? Noticeable."

"Really?"

"Yes, your eyes are hungry."

* * *

><p>Flipsides is flirting with Warpath. Warpath:<p>

"Wait, how old are you?"

Flipsides:

"13!"

"Holy slag!"

"Well, aren't we a little superstitious …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave's first romance:<p>

"Fembots love with ears."

Elita One:

"What?"

"Fembots love with ears."

"What?"

"Urgh …"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Tracks gets into the car with Soundwave. Soundwave:<p>

"I have a problem."

Tracks:

"What is it?"

Soundwave turns on some music:

"… baby smile baby smile baby laughing baby crying …"

Tracks, coming out of the stupor:

"When the frag did you have the time to do that?"

Soundwave:

"I think the rear speaker is off …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus used to call me sweetie, honey, bunny …"

Elita One:

"And now?"

"He remembered my name …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee's feet are like a gazelle's."

Hound:

"Thin and elegant?"

"Hairy."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Once we get married, we will have three kids."

Optimus:

"How do you know?"

"They are all living at my mom's."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Help! I am drowning!"

Seaspray rushes to save her. Arcee:

"No, not you, I am screaming to Optimus …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"It is hard for us, fembots."

Optimus:

"How?"

"When we rip off the waxing off our feet …"

"So that's where scarves come from!"

* * *

><p>Optimus comes back from the army and passes by Alpha Trion tending to his garden. Optimus:<p>

"Hey! Alpha Trion! Give me the biggest rose you have!"

Alpha Trion:

"For Arcee?"

"Yes."

"She is married."

"Really? Give me two then!"

* * *

><p>Optimus' son:<p>

"Daddy, how do people catch crazy people?"

Optimus, sighing:

"With make-up, dresses and smiles."

* * *

><p>Elita One;<p>

"So, Arcee, did you get that Visa you wanted?"

Arcee, sighing:

"No."

"Why not?"

"In the part where it said 'Do not fill out' I put 'all right'."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Arcee, you are so beautiful, I want to write poetry for you …"

Arcee:

"Freaking muse …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee, I have a confession to make."

Arcee:

"You are going bankrupt?"

"I am married."

"Oh, pft, don't scare me like that!"

* * *

><p>Courtroom. A rape case. Prowl:<p>

"How did it happen?"

Arcee:

"He crudely took off my clothes and began raping me."

"How?"

"He was on the bottom and I was on top …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I want to buy a bike."

Elita One:

"At your age you should worry about buying a bassinette."

"I would look really stupid in a bassinette …"

* * *

><p>Tracks calls up his mom. Tracks:<p>

"Mom! I finally have a bondmate!"

Tracks' mom:

"Oh! Congratulations!"

"It's a he."

"Oh, we don't mind if it is a malebot, as long as you are happy."

"He is a Decepticon."

"We are not racist."

"We got nowhere to live."

"You can come stay with us in our one bedroom apartment!"

"We have many kids."

"Your dad and I love kids!"

"Where would you guys sleep?"

"Dad will move to the living room."

"And you?"

"Oh, don't worry about me, I will go hang myself."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"You and me are so similar! I am afraid of the same things that you are!"

Firestar:

"You are afraid of getting pregnant?"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Can you imagine those fembots? They are putting on make-up while driving! I almost dropped my razor in my coffee!"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Soundwave, I love you."

Soundwave:

"Tracks, I love you too but I don't know for how long I will be able to love you."

"What? Are you sick?"

"No, I got unlimited Internet …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I am so tired of your questions!"

Arcee:

"Why?"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack:<p>

"Hey, Perceptor, what do you do when you see a nice looking mech that tickles your fancy?"

Perceptor, shying away:

"I download them …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Optimus, you want to get married?"

Optimus:

"I don't want to get married, I want to eat! I am hungry!"

"So you will eat at the wedding!"

* * *

><p>Kup in a chat room with Arcee. Arcee:<p>

"So, why are we not talking?"

Kup:

"Want me to translate that from fembot?"

"Sure."

"I want to talk but I don't know what about so why don't you come up with a topic, you are the malebot here."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"At first I thought that all malebots are morons."

Optimus:

"And now?"

"Then I met you."

"And?"

"Now I know I was wrong, you are the only moron."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee, why are you so angry? Did you fall from the broom?"

* * *

><p>Ironhide:<p>

"Hey, Optimus, did you ever get a prostitute?"

Optimus:

"Yes, she came over, we talked a little bit and then I remembered why I divorced her 2 years ago."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod to Optimus:<p>

"Hey, Arcee told me such a funny joke that I fell off the bed …"

* * *

><p>First few days on Earth (Hound didn't hook up with Mirage yet) and he climbs Mount Everest. Hound:<p>

"Hey hey hey hey!"

Echo:

"Gay gay gay!"

"Hay hay hay hay!"

"Gay gay gay gay!"

"Ok, I think you are trying to tell me something …"

* * *

><p>Arcee, praying:<p>

"… give me wisdom to understand malebots, give me patience to change for him, don't give me strength, I will kill him …"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"In case of an emergency, Rodimus has a tactical chamomile …"

* * *

><p>Optimus wakes up in the middle of the night from someone screaming. Optimus:<p>

"What the hell is all that noise?"

Arcee:

"Come look!"

Optimus comes to the window and they hear that the screaming is coming from the apartment where Perceptor and the lambotwins lived. Optimus:

"Is he giving birth?"

"He is getting pregnant."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey! Elita, how do you like my new dress?"

Elita One:

"Sorry I can't get into a fight right now …"

* * *

><p>"Hey, wanna talk about Wheeljack's inventions?"<p>

"Maybe we should get to know each other better first?"

"Hi, name's Wheeljack."

* * *

><p>Perceptor went to a science conference where he meets a human. Human:<p>

"Hey, beautiful, want to talk about the Hadron Collider?"

Perceptor:

"Maybe we should get to know each other first?"

"Greetings, name's Hadron …"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Soundwave, you see this picture?"

Soundwave:

"Affirmative."

"At 3 p.m. you will pick her up from kinder garden."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Well, Optimus, I don't see anything wrong, you don't drink or smoke. Try to cut your sex life in half."

Optimus:

"Should I stop talking about it or thinking about it?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I lost weight!"

Optimus:

"Did you finally shave?"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack and Perceptor are hanging out when Wheeljack's phone rings. Wheeljack:<p>

"Hello? Yes, bunny. Of course, bunny. Yes, I will get it on my way back, bunny. As you say, bunny. All right, see ya, bunny!"

Perceptor:

"Ratchet?"

"Why the hell did I make a talking rabbit …"

* * *

><p>Elita One:<p>

"Does Optimus say that he exercises?"

Arcee:

"Ya, I ask him if he is, he says yes, then I ask him if he is lying, he says yes …"

"At least he is not lying."

* * *

><p>Kup comes out of a strip club, optics wide open, slightly disturbed:<p>

"I have never seen people do such shameful things. Think I will go watch a little more …"

* * *

><p>Arcee is chatting over a dating site. Arcee:<p>

"Hey."

Other side:

"Hey."

"What's your name?"

"Bob, you?"

"Arcee."

"Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too! Want to see my photo?"

"Sure."

"Here. So, what sports do you like?"

"Boxing."

"Oh! You can protect me then!"

"Ick-Yaks don't have natural predators …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Ratchet, I want to lose some weight."

Ratchet:

"All right, I will prescribe some carbon to you."

"Powdered or in pills?"

"In bags, you will be unloading bags of charcoal."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Hey, Arcee, want me to lick your pussy cat?"

"I don't have a pussy cat."

"Huh?"

"I have a cat, want to lick him?"

"What are you talking about?"

"What are you talking about?"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Here comes Huffer, whoever he greets first is a moron."

Huffer:

"Hey everybody!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Mrow."

Optimus:

"Hey kitty cat, want me to rub your head?"

"No."

"Arms?"

"No."

"Legs?"

"No."

"Neck?"

"No."

"Tummy?"

"No."

"Back?"

"No."

"Where then?"

"Anywhere you want."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee is pregnant."

Ironhide:

"Congratulations!"

"Thank you!"

"So who do you want?"

"Boy."

"Why?"

"I want a remote controlled helicopter."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Mom! I don't think I like your recipe for the porridge."

Arcee's mom:

"Sweetie, first you take the porridge, then you boil it …"

"Right! Boil it!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"What do you like most about me: my beautiful face or my curvy body?"

Optimus:

"Your sense of humor."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Are you mad?"

Arcee:

"No, I am just going to get an axe …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Some people are like dogs, they run after things and once they catch up to them, they have no fragging clue what the hell to do with them."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I want someone caring, loving, fun and awesome."

Tracks:

"Well …"

Kup, drunk:

"I don't think you are allowed to marry 4 people at once …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Arcee is so, um, so, eh, so, well, I saw her and um, my pants got, ahem, tighter."

Kup, drunk, squints, after a short pause:

"From the front or from behind?"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"What do you call a mech that interfaces for money?"

Kup, drunk:

"A prostitute."

Trailbreaker:

"What do you call a mech that interfaces for other purposes than money?"

Kup, drunk:

"Tracks."

Tracks:

"Hey!"

"A whore."

Springer:

"What about a mech that does it for pleasure?"

"A lover."

Optimus:

"What about without pleasure?"

"Arcee."

Arcee:

"Hey!"

Kup, drunk:

"Wife."

* * *

><p>Prowl and Blitzwing are patrolling the roads at night when suddenly they see a flipped over car and Arcee standing right next to it. Blitzwing goes out to assess the damage and Prowl asks the questions. Prowl:<p>

"What the hell happened here?"

Arcee, slightly tipsy:

"Well, I was driving when suddenly I see a tree on the road. I turn left, the tree is there. I turn right, the tree is there. So I turned even harder and that is how I flipped my car."

Prowl:

"There are no trees around for kilometers!"

Blitzwing:

"It was an air freshner!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"A man's talent of bullshitting arises when coming home in the morning."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Try describing Tracks or Arcee with your hands behind your back."

* * *

><p>Springer, tipsy:<p>

"A fembot is a mystery …"

Kup, drunk:

"Especially from your bondmate."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembots make a number of mistakes while malebots only 2: everything they say and everything they do."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Every fembot needs a mystery to them, a hint and the solution."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"A well-mannered fembot shouldn't chase after guys, where have you seen a mousetrap chase a mouse?"

* * *

><p>Grimlock:<p>

"So Grimlock got a little sick yesterday, a runny nose."

Kup:

"And?"

"What does Kup mean, and? Grimlock boil some potatoes, put with Grimlock under blanket and grabbed a bottle of vodka. That is Grimlock's new sauna!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Love is not when someone brings you roses and you smell them, love is when someone talks to you about quantum mechanics and you listen."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If a malebot is ready to do anything for a fembot, they truly love her. If a fembot is ready to do anything for a malebot, it means they gave birth to them."

* * *

><p>Trailbreaker:<p>

"How do you call a guy who dresses up really nicely?"

Tracks:

"Well …"

Kup, drunk:

"Homosexual."

Tracks:

"Hey!"

Kup points at Soundwave.

Tracks:

"Damn it."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Don't you just hate it when a fembot is watching TV, falls asleep and when you change the channel they wake up and scream at you because they were watching it?"

* * *

><p>Arcee, drunk:<p>

"Children are our happiness and malebots are our weakness. Just for one moment, let your guard down and you will be happy for the rest of your life."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk, sarcastically:<p>

"A fembot is an elegant, defenseless creature from which there is no salvation."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Only widows know for sure where their husbands are."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Malebots really need two things: a fembot and a vacation from fembots."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If a fembot tells you she hates you, that means she loves you but you are a dumbass."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"A fembot driving is like a star. You see her but she doesn't see you."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Who says that there are no more gentlemen? The other day I saw a guy hold an umbrella for his wife who was changing a flat tire."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembots, don't take a million years to put on some clothes. If you put on a mini-skirt, no guy will ever think that your shoes don't go with your purse."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"In elementary schools, boys hit girls on their heads and then they wonder why the beautiful girls are so stupid …"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack, thinking about his next project:<p>

"Hm, what is the loudest plucking instrument …"

Kup, drunk:

"Try plucking Cliffjumper's aft …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembots can keep secrets … in groups of 40."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"A financially successful malebot is the one who gets more money than his fembot wastes."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"What malebots sleep with throughout their lifetime:

5 – with a pacifier

10 – with a teddy bear

15 – with a book

20 – with a dream

20 – 30 – with the wife

30 – 40 – with the lover

40 – 50 – with anyone

50 – 60 – with a warmer

60+ - with closed windows."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"They lived happily ever after until they met each other."

* * *

><p>New Year's Eve. Arcee:<p>

"Tell me something nice about me!"

Optimus, drunk:

"You are beautiful like the New Year's Morning …"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Issue 35, I hope you guys enjoyed!**

**I still have a whole bunch of those ready to be posted~ I wonder if I will ever run out of these things?**

**Mass Effect 3 is actually better than I expected, I haven't gotten to the ending yet but I think I speak for everyone when I say that it's better in terms of game-play than its predecessors. The story is not really all that bad, not perfect but it got its moments. On my list of video games to play there is only Dragon Age 3 and Fall of Cybertron left, after those ... I am making another push to quit. **


	37. Chapter 37

**_Little Tragedies, Issue 37_**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**So I recently began watching Rescue Bots ... DO NOT JUDGE ME! Remember, this is supposed to be a show for BABIES, not kids, not teenagers, not young adults, but for BABIES. I gotta say, it is really not that bad! Well, it is totally horrible~ (especially the graphics ...) but Blades makes up for everything! He is such a cutie-pie! Just wanna wrap him up in a blankie and give him hot energon! Did you guys know that apparently Rescue Bots and Prime are the same universe? I am still tilting my head asking how that is ... sane ...**

**My streak of watching Disney movies has come to an end ... fortunately and unfortunately ... the thing for me now is not to get addicted to energy drinks ... guess it is a good thing I will see my psychiatrist tomorrow! XD**

**A coworker and me discussed the question of "why won't homeless kids get a life?" ... we actually answered that question in nursing class and we came up with too many reasons to count. A question I posed was "why won't kids in families that are pretty economically well won't get a life?" ... I mean just the other day I saw a high schooler (his school card dropped and I gave it back to him) in his last year crying because his mom didn't want to buy him some super-duper extra fat burger but a super extra fat burger ... or a few days ago I saw a colleague of mine ranting how her life epicly sucks since her dad bought her a Samsung Galaxy instead of an I-phone ... I have a Sony Ericsson and I am very happy with it ... These kids have the resources to make themselves into something special (note, no sarcasm) but instead they end up being REAL special (for those who are missing it, THIS is the sarcasm part). These kids don't have to lift a finger to pay for anything while people like us are busting our afts off with three freaking jobs (I am looking for a third job and Unicron-damn it I will find it!)!**

**What else ... oh!**

**F L O B S T E R S ! ! !**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Back in university. Wheeljack and Warpath are sitting on a bench and looking around when suddenly Arcee walks by. Wheeljack:<p>

"Wow, she is not that bad looking."

Warpath:

"I know, right?"

"I think I know her from somewhere …"

"Me too …"

"Wait, did something happen between you two?"

"No, you?"

"No."

"What a bitch!"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Sweetie, do you like funny or beautiful mechs?"

Soundwave:

"Both and you."

* * *

><p>Back in university. At some point Tracks had to go to another town for university related business, took a train, and with him there are three other mechs in the cell. They talk and eventually the conversation goes to a more delicate conversation. Tracks:<p>

"If you guys each give me a dollar, I will show off my legs."

They all gave him a dollar and Tracks showed off his long, beautiful legs. Tracks:

"If you each give me ten dollars, I will show you my hips."

They all give him ten dollars each and Tracks showed off his curvaceous hips. Tracks:

"If you each give me one hundred dollars I will show you where they removed my appendix."

They all gave him a hundred dollars and Tracks points to the window. Tracks:

"In that hospital over there!"

* * *

><p>Soundwave:<p>

"Inquiry: Tracks, how do you know about all the things you are telling Flipsides not to do?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus, I am leaving for a week."

Optimus:

"Ok."

"Aren't you gonna ask where and why?"

"It is a bad habit to ask where happiness came from."

* * *

><p>Chatroom of a dating site. Arcee:<p>

"I stutter."

"Always?"

"Only when I talk."

* * *

><p>Ratchet is giving a few humans a tour around The Ark and they happen to see Wheeljack's lab from the monitors, where they see Wheeljack and Perceptor in HAZMAT suits carefully carry a tiny bottle filled with some substance. One of the humans:<p>

"What will happen if they drop that bottle?"

Ratchet:

"Everything will be obliterated in the radius of 150 kilometers …"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Hey, Optimus, would you exchange your wife for two?"

Optimus:

"No."

"What if they are beautiful?"

"No."

"Three wives?"

"No."

"Three beautiful wives?"

"No."

"Four wives?"

"No."

"Four beautiful wives?"

"No."

"What about an ability to transform into a truck?"

"Is the truck beautiful?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Optimus, want to try a new pose?"

Optimus:

"Sure, you go sleep and I will lie on the couch and watch TV."

* * *

><p>Blaster picks up the phone:<p>

"Blaster Master 107.5, what song you want to play?"

Optimus:

"Arcee and me are gonna have an anniversary, could you play the song 'I love you Firestar'?"

* * *

><p>Elita One:<p>

"Waiting for your prince on a white Lexus?"

Arcee:

"As long as it is a prince, it doesn't matter what Lexus color …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Excuse me, what are you doing tonight?"

Firestar:

"I am building a tree-house."

"I am trying to ask you out."

"Then ask me out."

"Would you like to go out for a movie?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I am building a tree-house …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"I want a mask for Halloween!"

Hoist:

"Which one you want?"

"What about this crocodile one?"

"10 dollars."

"Hm, what about this one?"

"10 dollars."

"Hm."

"Hey, why don't you save 10 dollars and go be yourself?"

* * *

><p>Firestar's washing machine broke so she calls up First Aid. Firestar:<p>

"Can you fix it?"

First Aid:

"Not here, I will need tools at work. I will take it to my workshop."

"Hey, want to take me too?"

"Um, you do not need repairs …"

* * *

><p>Filled up bus. A fembot screams out:<p>

"Excuse me! Mech! What do you think you are doing?"

Silence.

"What do you think you are doing?"

Silence.

A malebot voice from front:

"Well? What are you doing?"

* * *

><p>Prowl and Hound are arguing about religion. Prowl:<p>

"Why would Primus create man first?"

Hound:

"Well …"

Arcee:

"Well, before making the final version, you make the beta version …"

* * *

><p>Inferno:<p>

"Hey, Red, what are you afraid of?"

"Motorbikes."

"Anything else?"

"Soldiers."

"Anything else?"

"Drunks."

"What about fembots?"

"Fembots are like drunk soldiers on motorbikes …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Firestar! I love you!"

Firestar:

"Oh, dear lord! Another beginner!"

* * *

><p>Ironhide:<p>

"Mom, I will bring three fembots over tonight for dinner; one of them I will marry, guess which one."

Ironhide's mom:

"All right."

So Chromia, Elita One and Arcee come, they all have dinner and the three leave. Ironhide:

"Well? Which one do you think it was?"

"Chromia."

"How do you know?"

"The second she stepped into our house, she started enraging me."

* * *

><p>Arcee's mom:<p>

"Sweetie, don't marry that guy, he is an orphan and in a wheelchair!"

Arcee:

"I don't need beautiful and rich!"

"That's not what I meant."

"What did you mean?"

"Life has been cruel enough towards him …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Optimus came home drunk, hit me, yelled at the kids and left to have sex with a prostitute!"

Elita One:

"Aw! I am sorry! Is there anything I can do?"

"Yeah, tell me, is Optimus over at your place?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembots spend money with intelligence! In the end no money and no intelligence …"

* * *

><p>Smokescreen, drunk:<p>

"A psychological incompatibility is when the fembot's logic is not compatible with the malebot's psyche."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"How do I get to know someone over a dating site?"

Kup, drunk:

"Come with them to a virtual restaurant."

* * *

><p>Bar. Hot Rod keeps staring at Arcee. Arcee:<p>

"What are you doing?"

Hot Rod:

"I am thinking, should I keep drinking or are you attractive enough?"

* * *

><p>Arcee, Elita One, Firestar and Chromia one day decided to go to Egypt and got Grimlock to come with them as a guard. So they are walking around the bazaar when people ask Grimlock:<p>

"Hey, buddy, you have 4 wives?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"Grimlock have 7 wives, three taking care of 14 kids back home."

"Viagra?"

"Vodka."

* * *

><p>Kup, Grimlock and Springer (new to Earth) are camping (and got drunk) out when the night comes and the mosquitoes begin annoying the crap out of them. They put out the fire and get into their tents. After a while Springer goes out for a nature's call and runs back not a second later. Springer, drunk:<p>

"Guys! The mosquitoes are looking for us! They came back with flashlights!"

Grimlock, drunk:

"… fireflies … moron …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet, drunk:<p>

"After I give people shots, the malebots ask me if they can drink and fembots ask me if they can take showers. The problem with fembots apparently is that they are dirty and malebots are sober …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock and Kup (drunk) are roasting meat on a fire. Firestar walks by. Firestar, lecherously:<p>

"What are you handsome boys doing? It smells so nice!"

Grimlock, drunk:

"Then keep smelling it."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The fembots are the true reason why malebots lie, because of their never ending questions …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Malebots used to take off their hats for the fembots, now they take out their headphones …"

* * *

><p>Arcee, drunk:<p>

"Men have periods too! It is just called a paycheck! They wait, their worry, then they get it and their head hurts with stomach cramps …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Happiness is not in the fembots that you want to sleep with but in the fembots that you want to wake up with."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**I hope you guys enjoyed the issue! There will be more to come!**

**I decided I should pass my G2 driving ... thingy ... so that I can take the car and drive where I want without supervision ... don't worry ... my instructor was screaming at me because I pressed the break pedal too much ... I know this may get a whole bunch of you drivers pissed but I am not learning stick shift ... for the simple reason that I want to CONCENTRATE ON THE ROAD and not blank out or something ... which happens to me ... I prefer walking or riding my bike! Taking transit is #2 ...**

**Be kind and leave a review!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing.**


	38. Chapter 38

**_Little Tragedies, Issue 38_**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Tomorrow is going to be May. May will be bringing us a number of rather boring-ish things ... such as The Avengers ... come on, let's admit it, we are all watching it for two main reasons ... Tony Stark for his dialogs + scenes and Thor because he is a rather adorable character~ ... I said it, it is out there, what now? Not to say that it wont be an enjoyable movie for the fans but considering the amount of trash talk I accidentally stumbled upon about this movie ... ick ... I am NOT going to the theaters (yes, it is good enough for me to go watch in the movie theaters ... since there is nothing else on and I miss the movie theater) in the first couple of weeks ... just to avoid the slag-storm of angry fans going around acting like it is the worst thing that ever happened to Marvel. IT WAS DIFFERENT FOR TRANSFORMERS! There was barely anything of the original characters left T-T**

**Passed my clinical course with flying colors! That always weirded me out, flying colors. Can you imagine a color flying? Weirdly I can ... it is preeeety!**

**You know what is fun about working 2 jobs? When you wake up, you have no idea where are you supposed to go ... even if you don't have work on that day ...**

**So it is my understanding that in one of the Transformers comic books Megatron was sold on an auction for 80 million dollars ... I don't know the exact sum but I am 100% sure it is in millions ... Megatron ... millions of dollars ... Megatron ... an alien organism that everyone has been trying to kill for millions of years but got out alive only to terrorize the whole freaking galaxy and universe ... an opportunity to study far more advanced technology ... millions of dollars ... do you not see a problem here? I don't think BILLIONS of dollars would cut it either ...**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Chatroom. Flipsides:<p>

"Shockblast, I am bleeding."

Other end:

"…"

"Dude! No sex tonight! I am bleeding like a faucet!"

"Suggestion: look at name of conversation partner and don't share the good news with dad."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Soundwave, what would you do for me?"

Soundwave:

"Anything."

"Even one whole month without interface?"

"Agreed: no interface for a whole month."

"What? I won't last that long!"

"Inquiry: what would you for me to take those words back?"

* * *

><p>Soundwave is taking a break at work and logs on to a chatroom where Tracks sees him and they begin the conversation. Suddenly, Soundwave's coffee maker peeped and he went on to make himself a cup of coffee. When he came back a minute later he saw the following string of messages from Tracks:<p>

Hey~

Hello?

You there sweetie?

You don't want to talk to me anymore?

You are so rude … .

What, you just gonna keep quiet?

Jerk …

Fine, don't talk to me …

Many said that you are an emotionless, selfish bastard, I never believed them

You know what, all mechs are shmucks! I will go over to Mirage's and get drunk

By the time you read this I won't be alive

What? You don't care if I will kill myself or not?

I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Excuse me, what do these cards say?"

Bumblebee:

"To my one and only man."

"Give me six."

* * *

><p>Tracks is in a bad mood, really thinking about something. Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy, what are brains?"

Tracks:

"Go play outside! My head is filled with other things!"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Mommy, why do fairy tails begin with 'once upon a time' …"

Tracks, irritated:

"That's not true, some of them begin with 'I need to stay late for work' …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave:<p>

"Inquiry: Flipsides, I saw you interface with some guy in a car, who is he?"

Flipsides:

"What color was the car?"

* * *

><p>Tracks is trying to stop Rumble and Frenzy from fighting when Kup, drunk, comes in. Kup:<p>

"Rumble, Frenzy! Stop fighting! I brought you guns!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Rumble, Frenzy! Once you two get married, you will understand what is real happiness."

Rumble and Frenzy:

"Really?"

"Yeah, but then it will be too late."

* * *

><p>Thundercracker:<p>

"Hey, Slipstream, do you love me?"

Slipstream:

"Yeah, do you?"

"Of course I love myself!"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Soundwave, if you find me, I am yours; if you don't, I am in the closet."

* * *

><p>Flipsides and Soundwave are fighting. Flipsides:<p>

"All right, dad, I won't tell mom that you 'face over phone if you don't tell him how I know that."

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I decided not to go to the bachelor party."

Arcee:

"Good! There are lots of sluts there!"

"But it's a bachelor party, there are no girls there …"

"You think I was never at a bachelor party?"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I decided not to go to the bachelor party."

Arcee:

"Good! There are lots of sluts there!"

Tracks:

"Hey!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Am I a chocolate chip to you?"

Optimus:

"I got lots of chocolate chips, I am practically a muffin."

* * *

><p>Grimlock:<p>

"Grimlock has nothing to wear … wait … Grimlock not fembot, that t-shirt looks like it laid on the floor the least …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"I wonder what did malebots use to conquer fembots before."

Springer:

"Before what?"

"Money."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Ratchet! I can't get any excitement! I tried everything! Fighting with Megatron, flying through space …"

Ratchet:

"Did you try dissing Grimlock?"

"I don't want to die!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Ratchet! I can't get any excitement! I tried everything! Fighting with Megatron, flying through space, taking away funding from Wheeljack's lab, dissing Grimlock …"

Ratchet:

"Get a lover."

"I got three."

"Tell Arcee about them."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"… my relationship with Arcee was doomed from the beginning."

Springer:

"Why?"

"We both had unlimited Internet."

* * *

><p>Elita One, Chromia and Arcee are talking. Elita One:<p>

"I am so cruel that I tied my husband to the bed and walked around naked in front of him for an hour."

Chromia:

"I am so cruel, I made Ironhide let me ride him like a pony and put on all the gear too."

Arcee:

"Amateurs."

"You can do better?"

"I tie Optimus up to the chair, disable his vocalizers and talk for good 3 hours about the sale at Esprit …"

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"What are you thinking about, Springer?"

Springer:

"A paradox in a bachelor's life – no matter what we put to boil, we always get pirogues …"

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus runs into Optimus and Arcee, didn't see them for years. Arcee is with a child. Ultra Magnus, happy for their baby:<p>

"Who?"

Arcee blushes and points to Optimus:

"Him."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I confessed Arcee about my wrong doings."

Sprigner:

"And?"

"Nope, didn't stop the wedding …"

* * *

><p>Smokescreen:<p>

"I am an accomplished psychologist, rich; I quit drinking, quit smoking, I've got two cars, a yatch, a mansion …"

Springer:

"Right …"

"Question: where the hell did the fembots come from in such huge numbers?"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"No, I understand interfacing with one mech but with the same one over and over again?"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I have no idea what to get Arcee for 8th of March."

Hot Rod:

"When is her 8th of March?"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Perceptor, what are you thinking so hard about?"

Perceptor:

"What 90-60-90 means …"

Arcee, lecherously:

"Well …"

"I got it!'

Arcee, erotically:

"Well?"

"486000!"

* * *

><p>Arcee, sad:<p>

"Yet a little more make-up wasted on a dull day …"

* * *

><p>Optimus and Ultra Magnus are chilling. Suddenly Optimus' cell rings. Optimus:<p>

"Hello? Yes. Oh, really? Congratulations!"

And hangs up. Optimus:

"I am screwed."

"Another baby?"

"Driving license."

* * *

><p>Red Alert comes in with a bandaged head. Springer:<p>

"What happened to you?"

Red Alert:

"I slipped and fell in my bathtub."

Swindle:

"You got insurance?"

Tracks:

"I hope Inferno was there to kiss the pain away."

Wheeljack:

"Why the hell would you take a shower on Tuesday?"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Hey, Ratchet, mind giving me a few condoms?"

Ratchet:

"Banana? Strawberry? Rasberry?"

"What … I am not making fruit stew!"

* * *

><p>Arcee and Hot Rod are kissing for good five minutes. Arcee:<p>

"Oh, sorry, I swallowed your gum."

Hot Rod:

"That was probably my cold …"

* * *

><p>Arcee came to a psychic. Arcee:<p>

"Two men love me, who will be the lucky one?"

After a while. Psychic:

"Hot Rod will be the lucky one, you will marry Optimus."

* * *

><p>Arcee just gave birth. Ratchet:<p>

"Um, Arcee, were you in orgies?"

Arcee:

"Yes, why?"

"It's a Decepticon with blue eyes and hair …"

"Does it bark?"

"No."

"Oh, thank Cybertron!"

* * *

><p>Ironhide:<p>

"I heard Arcee is scary …"

Optimus:

"I brought her to Ratchet for a plastic surgery."

"What did he say?"

"That it is easier to add a tail."

* * *

><p>Sometimes it happens when you are just sitting on the couch, watching TV, drinking beer when suddenly somebody calls you:<p>

"Optimus, did you buy this? Did you get that from the store? Did you submit these papers? Did you pick up our son from the kinder garden? Don't forget my mom is coming tomorrow …"

And you are happy because you are not Optimus.

* * *

><p>Swindle:<p>

"This is Arcee in a pool, this is Arcee on Hawaii, this is Arcee in the arctic …"

"What about this?"

"This is divorced Arcee."

"What does it include?"

"Arcee, Optimus' car, Optimus' house, Optimus' helicopter …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Hey, Arcee, want to go out? Wait, do you have a boyfriend?"

Arcee:

"No, Optimus killed him."

* * *

><p>Tracks, writing his own version of the world's creation:<p>

"On the first day, Primus created Tracks. On the second day, Primus created Soundwave. On the third day, Primus just watched …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Hey, Elita."

Elita One:

"Yeah?"

"How do you spell it, Iraq or Iran?"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Ratchet, I have nightmares!"

Ratchet:

"Right, what's in them?"

"Porn."

"Right, so what seems to be the problem?"

"It is in both Japanese and German …"

* * *

><p>Swindle:<p>

"Here, spell out the amount."

Hot Rod:

"What?"

"Write the amount in words."

"How the hell am I going to write a number with words?"

* * *

><p>Swindle is selling apple seeds. Arcee:<p>

"Swindle, dos anybody actually buy these things?"

Swindle:

"Yes, you get smarter from them."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"How much?"

"200 dollars for ten."

"All right, thanks! Wait, I could have bought 10 apples for 10 bucks!"

"See? You got smarter!"

"Amazing! Give me more!"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Arcee, are you dancing?"

Arcee:

"Yes …"

"Oh, thank Cybertron, I thought you were electrocuted …"

* * *

><p>Washroom. Optimus walks in, he already begun doing his business when the telephone rings and he picks up:<p>

"Arcee? Hey. Yes. No, I am in the washroom. I am taking a leak. Yes, there is a spike in my hand. Wait, what the frag do you mean, whose spike?"

* * *

><p>Arcee and Optimus are cuddling. Arcee:<p>

"What are you thinking about?"

Optimus:

"Nothing."

Arcee, happily:

"Me neither!"

"It's easier for you, you got no brains in there …"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"It is amazing how some people change after their weddings."

Optimus:

"Tell me about it! I used to love all fembots!"

"And now?"

"Now I love one less …"

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"Did you know that every third bondmate cheats on their partner according to the statistics?"

Tracks:

"Screw the statistics! I need addresses, telephone numbers …"

* * *

><p>Arcee, Chromia, Elita One and Firestar are coming back from a vacation. Arcee:<p>

"I will tell Optimus about my vacation romance."

Chromia:

"You are stupid."

Elita One:

"You are brave!"

Firestar:

"You have good memory!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"You are stupid!"

Firestar:

"No! You are stupid!"

Wheeljack:

"Both of you are right."

* * *

><p>Arcee walks in with some weird looking mech. Arcee:<p>

"Mom, dad, that, um, that, um, this will be living with us."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Hey, Hot Rod, forgot to shave?"

Hot Rod:

"No, people say that my face is feminine so I decided to grow a beard, what do you think?"

"Well, imagine a fembot with a beard …"

* * *

><p>Optimus comes back, Hot Rod jumps out on the balcony and holds the edge so that he doesn't fall. An hour passes, two, three, four. Hoist:<p>

"Hey, Hot Rod, you gonna jump?"

Hot Rod:

"Hell no!"

"All right then, move your legs, I need to sweep here …"

* * *

><p>Arcee and Optimus are cuddling. Arcee:<p>

"Ah, Optimus, do you have any idea what it is to not only interface with someone so handsome as you are but also wake up right next to you?"

Optimus, after an awkward pause:

"No."

* * *

><p>Smokescreen:<p>

"Son! How can you get to know a fembot over the Internet? That's just immoral and wrong!"

"How did you meet mom?"

"I won Arcee in a game of poker …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"What do you do to make a guy enraged?"

Elita One:

"Take away the TV remote."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"What is the chance of you running into a dinosaur when you turn the corner?"

Preceptor:

"0.00000000231 %."

Arcee:

"50-50."

Prowl:

"What? Why?"

"He walks towards me or away from me …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembot underwear divides into two groups, nice and sexy. Malebot underwear also divides into two groups, first week and second week."

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"What's the difference between fembot logic and male bot logic?"

Springer, drunk:

"Malebot logic is correct, fembot logic is more interesting."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"In order to avoid car accidents you need to stop giving malebots alcohol and stop giving fembots gas …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"First love is so touching, so moving …"

Kup, drunk:

"And so fast."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembots are amazing creatures, they know exactly who is responsible and exactly how to fix the problem but they don't know what they will wear tomorrow and what they will prepare for dinner tonight …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Why do some fembots watch an adult movie to the end?"

Smokescreen, drunk:

"They expect there to be a wedding."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Many fembots have a dream of having two malebots but many misinterpret that dream – the fembot wants one malebot to cook and the other one to clean up."

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"I discovered a food product that decreases the fembot's desire for interfacing!"

Springer:

"What is it?"

Kup, drunk:

"Wedding cake."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembots can do everything, malebots can do everything else …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Husbands and lovers! Perform your duties! Don't depend on each other!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Unconditional love exists, for generous, loyal and rich malebots."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Intuition is an amazing thing, it tells the fembot that she is right regardless if she is not."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If a fembot tells you she will be loyal to you to the death, don't get happy just yet; maybe she will want you dead …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Malebot said – malebot did. Fembot said – malebot did. Fembot did – well, what are you gonna do …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"For every malebot there is a fembot waiting for him somewhere …"

Red Alert:

"Holy slag!"

"… the problem is that you never know where she waits so not everybody escapes …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"All fembots should do three things in their lives."

Arcee:

"What things?"

leave

the malebots

alone!

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The average speed of a fembot through a store is 300 dollars an hour."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"There are two types of malebots: morons and idiots. Morons know nothing about female psychology while idiots know a little too much …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembots are like calculators: they add problems, they take away time, they multiply spending and divide ownership."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If a malebot gives you 33 roses, it means he loves you. If he gives you a single rose, means he is a mere student in university but would like more than just a physical relationship. A bottle of wine and a box of chocolates means he needs to pass a course. A malebot who drinks beer all day, lies on the couch, his clothes are all over the place, means you are the only one he is truly comfortable with."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The weak gender is stronger than the strong gender, due to the weakness of the strong gender towards the weak gender."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Alcohol is especially good for malebots if fembots drink it …"

* * *

><p>Arcee, drunk:<p>

"Nothing beautifies the fembot as the absence of her husband."

* * *

><p>Back on Cybertron. Kup, drunk, walks down the street:<p>

"Hey cuckoo bird, how long do I have to live?"

Kup's wife:

"Five seconds until I find the frying pan!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If you found the fembot of your dreams, you can say goodbye to the rest of your dreams."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Why is it that without smoking, drinking and running after fembots you will live longer?"

Ratchet:

"Well …"

Kup, drunk:

"If you are an idiot, that is for a LOOOOONG time."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembots don't think …"

Arcee:

"Hey!"

"They scheme …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"There is a perfect cure for love at first sight."

Springer:

"What is it?"

"Look again."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Sometimes under all that make up there is a truly beautiful person."

* * *

><p>Arcee is trying to flirt with Perceptor. Perceptor, drunk:<p>

"I download people like you by the terabytes …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If a femobot is angry, it means she is wrong and knows it."

* * *

><p>Tracks, drunk:<p>

"A malebot without a fembot is like a fish without a bike."

* * *

><p>Drunk Hot Rod begins gesturing to Grimlock with his glossa. Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"Hot Rod, stop doing that, you will get sick."

Hot Rod, drunk:

"With what?"

"With cracked skull."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"There is a point in every malebot's life when it is easier to buy new socks."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If the malebot looks at your eyes, he probably already looked at everything else."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Summer is when your clothes look more like underwear."

* * *

><p>Tracks, drunk:<p>

"A drunk mech is an easy prey but a heavy load."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Many fembots wear wigs, put on fake nails, make-up, dye their hair, put on fake eyelashes, draw eyebrows, breast-enlargement job, so on and so forth and yet they say that there are no real malebots out there …"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Hope you enjoyed the issue!**

**I have too many things on my list to watch ... Dollhouse, A Beautiful Mind, Little Mermaid (yeah yeah I haven't seen the Little Mermaid ... move on people ...), Mummies Alive ... you know what is NOT on my list? Anything G. I. Joe, Twilight series (I met a guy the other day who openly admits that he loves the series ...), Pinocchio (I am NEVER watching that movie again) ... Vampire Diaries ... True Blood ... holy moly it's like for a whole year the media didn't know that the world consisted of more than just vampires ... the only good vampire-thing I found was Dance In A Vampire Bundle, it is a manga and hot daem it is good!**

**In any case,**

**Be kind and leave a review!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


	39. Chapter 39

**Little Tragedies, Issue 39**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Hey, everyone! Been a long time since I posted anything, eh? Hehe! Well, I got some issues ready to be posted so for the next few weeks I should be posting at least one thing every weekend.**

**I showed up to work ... 24 hours early ...**

**I know one of THE TOUGHEST people to ever live in this universe ... he browses the World Wide Web with Internet Explorer ...**

**Ross (a dog I sit sometimes) and me became very close! We sleep in the same bed and troll the scrap out of my mom! Best thing is - she can't get mad looking at that adorable ... face? Snout? I think it's face ...**

**Avengers was pretty awesome! This movie definitely goes into my top 50! Not that I have a top 50 but it is nice to think that I do~!**

**IDW Transformers comics are AAAAMAAAZING! I seriously recommend reading them!**

**I am desperately trying to get Mass Effect 3 out of my system ... one more play-through for me to see every possible story progression and then I will be done for good ... unless they make Mass Effect 4 ... then I am screwed ...**

**Enjoy the issue!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Sentinel:<p>

"Tracks, your sons threw sand at me!"

Tracks:

"They weren't my sons, my boys stole your gun …"

* * *

><p>In a prestigious club. Tracks erotically walks up to the barman and with a lecherous voice says:<p>

"Pardon me, is the owner of this amazing facility present tonight?"

Swindle:

"No, there is just me today."

Tracks brings his face really close to Swindle, Swindle leaned in, almost at the distance to kiss. Tracks:

"Are you sure he is nowhere near?"

"Yeah."

Then Tracks uses his fingers and lets Swindle suck on them. Tracks:

"Well, I just wanted you to know that there is no more toilet paper in the men's washroom …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave is trying to find a date and so he posts this ad in the newspaper:<p>

"Looking for: date. About myself: owner of a multi-billion company."

* * *

><p>Decades into the future. Starscream is very, very old and he was charged with sexually assaulting 3 mechs. Sentinel:<p>

"How the frag did you manage to rape one mech in the middle of Iacon at 4 p.m., the next victim in the suburbs at 6 p.m. and the last one, on the other side of the city at 9 p.m.?"

Starscream:

"I have a bike."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk, to Soundwave:<p>

"If you want to interface without kids, send them to a grandparents' or over to me."

* * *

><p>Shockblast's mom:<p>

"Ever since you were born, you never brought me any happiness."

Shockblast:

"What about before?"

* * *

><p>Alpha Trion, deaf, went to Ratchet to get hearing aid. One week later. Ratchet:<p>

"So, Alpha Trion, was your family happy to find out that you can hear again?"

Alpha Trion:

"No, I didn't tell them yet. I have been listening to their conversations."

"And?"

"I had to change my will 3 times."

* * *

><p>Tracks left for a vacation. In the middle of the night Rumble and Frenzy heard Soundwave grumble and grunt. In the morning, Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Daddy, what were you dreaming of?"

Soundwave:

"You have years of sleep to dream about these things."

* * *

><p>Starscream:<p>

"Hey, sexy, lost your virginity yet?"

Slipstream:

"What, you found it?"

* * *

><p>Thundercracker and Slipstream are interfacing. Slipstream:<p>

"Oh, Primus!"

Thundercracker:

"Yeah, I get that a lot …"

* * *

><p>Back in high school. Alpha Trion walks by Tracks. Tracks:<p>

"50 with condom, 100 without."

Alpha Trion:

"I will give you 200 if you manage to put it on."

* * *

><p>Lugnut:<p>

"Do you take this mech as your bride?"

"No."

"Well, what about this one?"

* * *

><p>Megatron hitting on Starscream:<p>

"What are you doing tonight …"

Starscream:

"Everything!"

* * *

><p>Starscream to his parents:<p>

"Guys! I am not getting married, I am staying with you guys."

Galvatron:

"Don't you dare threaten your father!"

* * *

><p>Back in university. Wheeljack used to work at a techstore. Arcee walks in, her phone is broken. Wheeljack:<p>

"I am sorry, I can't really do much for this model, it is too old and the parts for it are no longer in production, maybe I could give you a new one?"

Arcee:

"No, I got used to that one."

"Uh-huh …"

"It has 4 vibrating modes!"

* * *

><p>A note on Lugnut's church door:<p>

"If you are tired of sinning and want to repent, come in. Lugnut"

And another sign just a bit lower, drawn with lipstick:

"And if not, call this number: 905 501 0174. Arcee."

* * *

><p>Tracks decides to go to the library and check out some books. Tracks:<p>

"Excuse me, do you have the Bible?"

Rodimus:

"What is the name of the book again?"

"The Bible."

"Do you know the author?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Tracks had to go through some therapy that disabled his interface system. Tracks:<p>

"Hey, guys! There are birds, theaters, movies, a whole world out there …"

* * *

><p>Optimus called Arcee a cow and she took it to the court (Elita One is the judge) and Optimus has to publicly apologize. Optimus:<p>

"Excuse me, your honor?"

"Yes?"

"What if I called a cow 'madam', would I get in trouble?"

"No."

"Oh, in that case, good evening, madam."

* * *

><p>Hound posted an ad in the newspaper:<p>

"Looking for a very active mech …"

Tracks:

"Oooh, I am there …"

"… 30 square meters of garden."

* * *

><p>Arcee comes into medbay and there is Hoist. Arcee:<p>

"I need a gynecologist."

Hoist:

"Eh, well, I can take a look …"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack:<p>

"Urgh, dude, disgusting!"

Hot Rod:

"What?"

"Look at what Tracks wrote in the washroom!"

"Your future is in your hands!"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Hey, Arcee, can I kiss you?"

Arcee:

"What? You like me?"

"No, I just want to get rid of my vanity complex."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Huffer, I love you!"

Huffer:

"Wait, what? Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I didn't know you won a few billion dollars."

* * *

><p>Scattershot is about to interface for the first time but because he doesn't have any idea of what to do, he calls up Grimlock. Scattershot:<p>

"Grimlock! Help! I am with a fembot and we are about to interface! What do I do?"

Grimlock:

"Spread out legs and shove in what you have and she doesn't."

"… my cellphone?"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Who are you?"

"A clown."

"I see that but what are you doing in my closet?"

* * *

><p>Bumblebee comes in to check on Tracks but when he comes in, the whole apartment is flooded and Tracks was lying down on his berth. Bumblebee:<p>

"Tracks! What's going on?"

Tracks:

"Sideswipe and Sunstreaker said that they would rape me if I flooded them again."

* * *

><p>Perceptor is trying to get a date. Perceptor:<p>

"Chromia, would you like to go out for a cup of tea?"

Chromia:

"No."

"Elita One, would you like to go out for a cup of coffee?"

Elita One:

"No."

"Firestar, would you like to go out for a bottle of vodka?"

Firestar:

"No."

"Hm, weird, the typical drivers didn't work …"

* * *

><p>Prowl sees Perceptor, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker chase a leaving train when the lambotwins jump on it, Perceptor begins laughing. Prowl:<p>

"Why are you laughing?"

Perceptor:

"They were supposed to walk me towards the train …"

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"What the hell is going on, both of my lovers are cheating on me …"

* * *

><p>Red Alert:<p>

"Just try kissing me or I will …"

Inferno:

"Scream?"

"Squint …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"I knew what Arcee was but I didn't expect her to be that much of a …"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"On my last vacation I met a young man 53 years of age …"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Do you like how Arcee sings?"

Ironhide:

"What?"

"Do you like how Arcee sings?"

"I can't hear you, there is some glitch screaming in your apartment."

* * *

><p>Springer boards a plane for 10 hour plus trip. In the morning, 8 hours later, Springer, bored, asks the stewardess:<p>

"Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to have today's newspaper?"

And waits for a reaction. Stewardess:

"Let me go find out."

Springer:

"…"

Stewardess comes back a minute later, with a very confused facial expression:

"We don't have fresh newspapers …"

"Really? Why not?"

"… we are on a plane …"

* * *

><p>Arcee drove down the street and hit Huffer. Huffer:<p>

"Arcee! This is the second time this week!"

Arcee:

"Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

* * *

><p>Hound:<p>

"Arcee, why did you call your dog Moron?"

Arcee:

"It is fun to call him and see just how many people turn around."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Can you imagine it, I come home, I open my armoire and there is a naked person there!"

Kup:

"Yeah, fembots tend to do that …"

"What fembots? I am single!"

* * *

><p>First Aid:<p>

"Rathet! Look at the patient!"

Ratchet:

"Like I have never seen a sick person before, jeez …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Ratchet! You pulled out the wrong tooth!"

Ratchet:

"Don't worry, I will get to it …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Doctor, will I live?"

Ratchet:

"The autopsy will tell …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Hey, Ratchet, I just wanted to thank you again …"

Ratchet:

"You are welcome but I can't remember if you are the patient or got the inheritance …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet, installing the tooth drill:<p>

"Hey, Tracks, remember when you use to make fun of me?"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"A good night's sleep doesn't just strengthen the nervous system …"

Springer:

"… but also shortens the work day!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Ratchet, I am itching all over the place!"

Ratchet:

"It is called a shower …"

"… but after a month I begin itching again!"

Tracks:

"Eeeewww …"

* * *

><p>Back in medical school. The Professor:<p>

"Ratchet, you gave the patient laxatives instead of coughing medicine."

Ratchet:

"What? Damn!"

"No, no, it worked!"

"What? How?"

"The patient is too scared to cough a single time …"

* * *

><p>First Aid:<p>

"Ratchet, sorry for being late, sir, what do we have?"

Ratchet:

"We got a light case of car accident with cerebrospinal injuries and a heavy case …"

"A heavy case?"

"Yes, Optimus refused to wash the dishes."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Here, this is for your anxiety and this is for your depression."

First Aid:

"Do we have anything else other than vodka?"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"There are two ways to argue with a fembot, neither work."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Gotta live life so that it won't be tormenting pain but tormenting pleasure."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Hey, Kup, where did you spend your vacation?"

Kup:

"First bit was in Saint Petersburg."

"And the rest?"

"Drunk."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Smart mechs are worth lots of attention …"

Perceptor and Wheeljack:

"Yay!"

Kup, drunk:

"… beautiful mechs are worth a lot of money …"

Tracks:

"Yay!"

"… and stupid mechs only give you headache …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The fembot always has the last word, everything else the malebot says after it is a whole new fight."

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"What's pornography?"

Kup, drunk:

"It's when you thought you saw everything …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Nothing about the look of a malebot irritates a fembot more than the absence of money."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The path leading to a fembot's fridge lies through her heart."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"You can't judge a fembot by what she says, it wouldn't be fair to her."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If you don't know how to make a person feel good, tell them that they are not one of those people who can be tricked by compliments."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"How do you make a fembot's optics light up?"

Tracks, drunk:

"Turn on the flashlight and shine it in their ears."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Don't get happy over a fembot giving you the key to her heart; she may change the locks."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"For some reason, even the most fragile of fembots take a whole load of time to break …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"With a stone you can get a fembot's eye, with a precious stone – her heart. Old and experienced prefer the eye."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The only one who truly has the right to undress a fembot is the one for whom she puts the clothes on."

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"I believe I have found a substance that is counterpart to Viagra for fembots …"

Kup, drunk:

"It's called money."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If your wife left you, remember how you got there."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"A mech that knows their worth has already been on the market at the very least."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If you really want to piss off a fembot, make her laugh too hard when she has her vitamin mask on."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Fembots talk about three things: all men are idiots, how to lose weight and how there is nothing to wear."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"What is safe interface?"

Kup, drunk:

"When parents don't know."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Hope you guys enjoyed!**

**People, help me out here! I was wondering ... how hard should I laugh at the people who thought that this "End of The World" would happen in 2012? Earth's didn't explode (yet), humankind is most certainly not extinct (yet) and pretty horrible movies are being made on a nearly daily basis (still). Look, doomsayers have been around ever since ... we could talk (I guess) and if you look at ANY day in history, you will always see some random people going around, trying to get people to repent and that "The End is coming!" so here is my question: what EXACTLY makes you different from these people? **

**In 1974 in some US state there was a woman that convinced her family that Apocalypse was coming and because they didn't see the point of paying taxes anymore they all stopped doing that. What happened? The date of the Apocalypse passed and a few weeks later the woman got kicked out of USA for massive tax evasion! Now, notice how it was 1974 then and now it is 2012 ... still no Apocalypse ...**

**I think if we keep a positive outlook on things and start treating each other a little nicer The End of Days would never come! Hold on ... if there is The End of Days, is there The End of Nights? NOOO! I WANT MY NIGHTS! I AM A NOCTURNAL CREATURE! If there is an End of Food then I am folding ...**

**In any case,**

**be kind and leave a review~!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


	40. Chapter 40

**Little Tragedies, Issue 40**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Dudes, dudettes! Issue 40 is here!**

**So everyone at one of my jobs talks trash about everyone else; it is kind of fun to watch a person leave a group and then immediately get trashed behind their back! Of course I don't get into those things, I got work to do!**

**Recently I dug out a whole lot of stuff out of from all over the house and put all birthday gifts, presents and memorable things on my shelf! Took me like an hour to rearrange everything but my shelf looks fantastic!**

**I am a little anxious about next week, a whole lot of things will be going down and the majority of them are not the fun ones.**

**So a friend of mine was on TV! I think it was CTV who made a little news clip about the Mars landing, my friend was in the clip and talked about how this is really a huge deal for all of humanity (which it is, I mean, come on, we sent stuff yet again to another PLANET, just imagine it! It looks small now but really, think about it!) and how he was following updates despite his exams. Anybody wonders if the footage we recover will be anything like the footage from the first Bayformers trailer? Remember how exited we were about THAT? Yeah, now we have something REAL to be excited about ...**

**Anyway, enjoy issue 40!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Slipstream:<p>

"Hey, Thundercracker, want a cold beer?"

Thundercracker:

"Do you have to ask?"

"I am not asking, I am teasing."

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"Soundwave! Have you ever tried drinking without getting too drunk?"

Soundwave:

"Well, when I start I am just drinking and once the morning comes, it turns out I got drunk …"

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy were running around the house when they suddenly tipped a bottle of vodka on a kitchen counter's edge. Rumble and Frenzy, laughing:<p>

"Daddy! Look! The bottle was a hair's width away from death!"

Soundwave, grimly:

"You too …"

* * *

><p>Shockblast sends a text message to Flipsides:<p>

"Hey, kitty, come over! Parents are gone, gonna get a bottle of vodka, we could, you know …"

Reply text message:

"Very tempting but Flipsides is not home, this is her father. Let me go grab some beer, be right over, mrow~!"

* * *

><p>Tracks finds Soundwave sitting, scared, in a corner. Tracks:<p>

"What happened?!"

Soundwave, hungover:

"Hands are shaking, tried taking off the pajamas, the buttons flew off. Tried getting coffee, the cup broke. Tried taking the briefcase, the handle fell off …"

"Right, so?"

"Scared!"

"Of what?"

"Going to the washroom …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave gets home in the middle of the night, drunk, keeps wobbling all over the place; accidentally bumping into things, shattering glass, turning over the furniture, falling, tripping over Ravage. Finally, he gets to his kids' bedroom where he sees Tracks, Flipsides, Rumble and Frenzy in the corner, shivering, scared. Soundwave, drunk:<p>

"What? Can't sleep without daddy?"

* * *

><p>Rodimus (head waiter):<p>

"Excuse me, who was your waiter today?"

Tracks:

"It was the mech with a red beard."

"Male or female?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Red Alert:<p>

"I was always scared that my upstairs neighbors would flood me until my downstairs neighbors' apartment burned …"

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"Why do people like driving drunk on the roads? Easy! You drive the same way that the road was made!"

* * *

><p>Recently, great scientist Perceptor and inventive engineer Wheeljack, in a collaboration with Shockwave, Starscream and Computron discovered a new, previously unknown reason to drink …<p>

* * *

><p>Soundwave:<p>

"Let's drink some beer and sing …"

Tracks:

"Let's drink some vodka and lie down …"

* * *

><p>Shockwave was sent as an ambassador to the Autobots. Shockwave's journal:<p>

Day 1 – begun drinking, I want to die …

Day 2 – hangover, I should have died yesterday …

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"The Colombian crack-dealers are getting increasingly concerned with people drinking alcohol …"

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"How can people stop drinking in Russia?! Beer costs less than milk!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"Did you hear? Wheeljack invented a way to turn cow feces into vodka!"

Elita One:

"Oh, so are they satisfied?"

"No, the cows can't go fast enough …"

* * *

><p>Tracks is reading a bed-time story to Flipsides. Flipsides:<p>

"Mommy, is it true that the monster tried hiding from the princess because it got very drunk and was ashamed to show itself?"

Tracks, angrily:

"No, the monster was actually a very handsome mech but tell your dad to stay as far away from me as possible."

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"Effort made a man out of monkeys; alcohol simply returned everything where it originally belonged."

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"So I am standing there, sober, looking myself in the mirror, angry, can't look myself in the mirror – look all smart and sober, only one word comes to mind."

Prowl:

"Lawful?"

"Moron."

* * *

><p>Kup and Grimlock wake up from a phone ringing. Grimlock:<p>

"Hello?"

Swindle:

"Hi! The spaceship is here for you!"

"What ship?!"

"Decepticon Starcruisier!"

"What cruiser?!"

"The one you ordered with 90% down payment!"

"Ah, thanks."

Kup:

"Who was that?"

"Swindle. We didn't drink away all the money, we bought The Nemesis."

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"In your restaurant, people drink a lot for other people's well-being and yet their passing away age is quite low."

Kup:

"Really? Huh, maybe we are not drinking enough …"

* * *

><p>Rodimus is inspecting the barracks, can't find anything dirty, all is according to protocol when he suddenly finds a few specs of dust on one of the tables. Rodimus:<p>

"Anything comes to mind about this?"

Springer:

"A pig will always find dirt."

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Sorry guys, Faith doesn't allow me to drink."

Springer:

"What faith?"

"No, not faith as in a religion, Faith as in my wife; 5 tons, puts down railroad tracks …"

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"Russians are the only people who go fishing and catch an Ick-Yak."

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"Only a Russian man can drink warm vodka in the middle of Sahara singing 'Oh, the cold the cold' and eating the cactus as an appetizer …"

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Grimlock! I got two bottles of vodka for you, one good and one bad. What do we start with?"

* * *

><p>Grimlock:<p>

"Smokescreen! Vodka!"

Smokescreen:

"We don't sell vodka after midnight."

"I sold my watch to buy it!"

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"I discovered a planet consisting of alcohol!"

Grimlock:

"Grimlock want to be astronaut!"

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"What's wrong with Grimlock?!"

Ratchet:

"In his dream he won a million dollars and before waking up he managed to get drunk on all the vodka he bought with it …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"Hm, your heart is beating irregularly. Do you drink?"

Kup:

"Yes but regularly."

* * *

><p>Jazz and Mirage decided to organize a competition during one of their parties. 1 – who would drink most alcohol and 2 – who would make the most horrifying face. The first one was won by Grimlock who stole all the liquor stored for the competition and drank even more after. The second was won by Kup who came late for the first competition.<p>

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Hey, Grimlock, what is your appetizer to vodka?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"More vodka."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Hot Rod! Go get us a couple more bottles!"

Hot Rod, drunk:

"A couple is how much?"

"Five!"

* * *

><p>Prowl, tipsy:<p>

"Excuse me, waiter, I think I drank too much, do you have anything to sober me up?"

Springer:

"Here is your check."

* * *

><p>Grimlock, hungover, is standing in the bus holding a cup of vodka and is thinking really hard about something. Because the ticket stand broke on the bus, Seaspray walked around and checked for bus transfers, making a hole in them to note that he already checked them. He eventually reaches Grimlock and raises his pen:<p>

"For transfer?"

Grimlock:

"Right! For transfer!"

* * *

><p>Optimus, drunk, walks into his apartment and turns to Arcee:<p>

"Eighth floor please …"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"So, Grimlock, what are we drinking?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"Russian mojito."

"Rum and mint?"

"Vodka and leek."

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, is falling asleep on the bus and leans on Arcee. Arcee, annoyed:<p>

"Maybe you want to lie down on me too?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"You are such a pervert."

* * *

><p>Kup, sighing:<p>

"I would like something alcohol-free."

Smokescreen:

"What do you want? Juice? Water? Mineral water? Pop?"

"I don't know, I am new at this …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod, hungover, wakes up:<p>

"Oh, Cybertron, my head hurts, Grimlock, got anything for the hangover?"

Grimlock, hungover:

"Take a glass and pour some vodka …"

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"So, Grimlock, problems with alcoholism?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"No! Never ending fun!"

* * *

><p>Astrotrain over the train intercom:<p>

"Will everyone please free up the wagons …"

Hot Rod, haugover, wakes up:

"Wagons! You are free!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock calls up Springer:<p>

"Springer! Come! Got vodka!"

Springer:

"But we always get drunk …"

"So?"

"Well, you got me there. I will be right over!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock:<p>

"Smokescreen, got anything strong?"

Smokescreen:

"Vodka."

"Anything stronger?"

"Ice."

* * *

><p>Grimlock and Kup walk in a bar, dragging a tied up First Aid. Grimlock:<p>

"Two bottles of vodka and juice; First Aid is driving."

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"What is naivety?"

Kup, drunk:

"It's when people think that others are going to stop drinking if you take away their appetizers …"

* * *

><p>Prowl and Blitzwing stop a drunk Optimus. Blitzwing:<p>

"Where are you going so late and drunk?"

Optimus, drunk:

"To a lecture about the horrors of alcoholism."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Who is going to be giving you lectures at 3 a.m.?"

Optimus, grimly:

"My wife."

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Do you drink?"

Grimlock:

"If question – no, if proposal – yes."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"I don't know how it is in USA, but when somebody comes with a few gallons of vodka or sake, they are family."

* * *

><p>First Aid's first time talking to Grimlock:<p>

"Grimlock, sir, I heard you like to drink."

Grimlock:

"Grimlock loves to drink!"

First Aid:

"Can you drink a glass of vodka?"

"With a salted cucumber, yes!"

"What about three?"

"Yup."

"A hundred?"

"Yup."

"A thousand?"

"Grimlock can't eat that many cucumbers!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk, rubbing Arcee's shoulder:<p>

"You know, Arcee, you are not that bad looking after drinking a few bottles, maybe you wanna do something later?"

Grimlock, drunk, shivering:

"Grimlock not Arcee!"

* * *

><p>Prowl comes in to Grimlock's quarters for an inspection. Prowl opens up his wardrobe and he sees a piano there. Then he opens up his fridge and sees the TV there. Prowl:<p>

"Um, Grimlock, is this the result of a Fen-Shui philosophy?"

Grimlock, hangover:

"This because of Got-Drunk."

* * *

><p>Prowl reads a newspaper's front page:<p>

"A gang of boxed vodka ganged up on Grimlock and Kup and stole all their money …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Beer is liquid bread, vodka is liquid meat. I love making sandwiches …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock and Kup walk into a prestigious liquor store. Tracks:<p>

"What would you two fine gentlemen want?"

Kup:

"We, um, need something for our dinner."

Tracks:

"What is it that you are eating?"

Grimlock:

"Vodka."

* * *

><p>Grimlock and his little kids, the Technobots, are walking down the street and see a huge line to a brewery. Technobots:<p>

"Daddy! Who are these people?"

Grimlock, contemptuously:

"Lazy morons who don't make their own vodka …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock and Kup find a 100 dollar bill lying on the floor. Kup:<p>

"Hey! Grimlock! Look! A hundred bucks!"

Grimlock:

"Yay!"

"Let's buy 1 dollar worth of bread and for everything else – vodka."

"Why we buy so much bread?!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"After the first glass – all you couldn't understand becomes very easy to get. After the second glass – all mysteries of the world are easy to comprehend. After the third glass – everything normal becomes mysterious and beyond comprehension. After a while the way to your berth becomes a breath-taking adventure of tsunami carpets, doors shutting in your face and Ravage throwing itself under your feet."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"Springer! Why are you so thin?! Did they not feed you on Earth?!"

Springer:

"Well, you see, bad genes, I missed Cybertron, slow metabolism …"

Arcee:

"You drank, didn't you?"

"I almost died!"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"What's a hangover?"

Kup, drunk:

"Remember when Grimlock kicked Unicron's ass?"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"What's a hangover?"

Kup, drunk:

"Remember when we dragged Grimlock and he was eating snow?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"People don't just buy alcohol, they take responsibility for its destiny."

* * *

><p>Ironhide and Optimus, both hungover, are in line to see Ratchet. Ironhide:<p>

"What are you in for?"

Optimus:

"Drunk too much yesterday, need to stop."

"Same."

"What happened to you?"

"Got drunk, got home, thought Chromia was a thief. Boy was she screaming … you?"

"Got drunk, got home, thought the thief was Arcee … boy was he screaming …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Drinking is like a Russian matreshka: open one up, then comes the second, the third, the fourth … "

* * *

><p>Grimlock and Kup, both drunk, talking. Kup:<p>

"Did you know that the great Earth writers like Falkner, Hemmingway, Edgar Po and others were all chronic alcoholics?"

Grimlock:

"Grimlock say we have great company!"

* * *

><p>Shockwave, Starscream, Perceptor and Wheeljack invented a new type of alcohol and decided to test it out so they got Tracks, Ironhide and Grimlock.<p>

"How much do you want for starters?"

Tracks:

"Pour me 50 grams."

Tracks doesn't even finish the glass when he falls down.

"How much do you want for starts?"

Ironhide:

"Give me 100 grams."

Ironhide doesn't even finish the glass when he falls down.

"How much do you want?"

Grimlock:

"Give me a liter, Grimlock driving."

Grimlock drinks it in one sitting, sits in his car and drives. Suddenly he jumps out of the car, rolls in the grass and gets back in and this happens for quite sometime, a lot. Wheeljack:

"What are you doing?"

Grimlock:

"Every time Grimlock burp, Grimlock clothes light up on fire …"

* * *

><p>Arcee, drunk, annoyed:<p>

"Why do all malebots after the fifth shot think that everybody is waiting for them to call them?!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Hm, drinking vodka at midnight, is it before or after work?"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"Vodka like summer: thought there was lots of it and then bam! Gone!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock's diary:<p>

"Went berry-picking in forest, got drunk with Kup and dinobots in forest, saw a squirrel …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock and Kup are visiting Optimus' grave. Kup:<p>

"I never noticed how handsome he was."

Gimlock:

"Of course! Didn't drink for 3 days …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Malebots drink because of three reasons. When everything is bad – from sadness. When everything is good – from happiness. When everything is all right- from boredom."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod:<p>

"What's foreplay?"

Kup, drunk:

"A bottle of beer before a bottle of vodka …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Know your limits or you will drink less than you can!"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack, drunk:<p>

"Reality is just a hallucination caused by the lack of alcohol in the body …"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Why are you guys drinking?"

Kup, drunk:

"We are celebrating!"

Prowl:

"Celebrating what?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"Bought three bottles of vodka!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"A bottle of vodka is like a beautiful fembot: it is captivating on the outside and whether it was good or bad, you will find out in the morning …"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"If you don't drink for a long while, you just get happier, the sky is blue, the birds are chirping, the bondmate is not drilling you for coming Cybertron-knows when late at night and then you think: some beer would be nice …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod and Arcee got drunk. On the next day. Arcee, hungover:<p>

"I just walked up to the mirror, they were showing such horrors!"

* * *

><p>Prowl began recruiting again for the Autobot cause and already he has entire crowds coming to him. Suddenly, Grimlock pushes everyone out of the way. Grimlock, extremely pissed off:<p>

"Prowl! Why you write for everyone to see that we refuel tanks with pure alcohol?!"

* * *

><p>Prowl overhears a conversation at the border. Guard:<p>

"Reason for leaving the country?"

Emigrant:

"Sick liver."

"How is that a reason to leave your country?"

"You see, you can't live sober in Russia and my liver is sick …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, extremely pissed off:<p>

"What the slag is this?!"

Ultra Magnus:

"What happened?!"

"They say on this powdered fabric softener '100 grams free'! Grimlock open up bottle, there is only powder in there!"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Grimlock, got problems with finances?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"No."

"Why not?"

"No finances."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Why don't you guys eat an appetizer after the first round?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"Nothing to eat for second round."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"I know my limit! I fall- that's when I know to stop!"

* * *

><p>Marissa (before meeting the Autobots) wakes up in some bushes. Grimlock, hungover, lying in bushes too:<p>

"Hi, me Grimlock, who are you?"

Marissa, hungover:

"NOT A SINGLE MILLILITER!"

And runs away. Grimlock, irritated:

"All drunks, nobody to talk to!"

* * *

><p>Alcoholics Anonymous. Springer:<p>

"I am Springer and I am an alcoholic."

Hot Rod:

"I am Hot Rod and I am an alcoholic."

Grimlock takes out a bottle:

"For making friends!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"Alcoholism is undefeatable!"

Prowl:

"Why?"

"Why defeat it?"

* * *

><p>Scattershot:<p>

"Hey, got vodka?"

Swindle:

"18 yet?"

"Got a license?"

"Wow, relax! Here you go …"

* * *

><p>Arcee, angry:<p>

"I understand if Optimus comes home drunk, but pouring soup on a frying pan, throwing watermelon in there and saying 'I am making myself tea' is a little too much for me …"

* * *

><p>Hot Rod, drunk:<p>

"Believe me! I am not drunk! You really are a beautiful fembot!"

Prowl:

"I am a police officer!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk, to Perceptor:<p>

"Everyday magic: you see a salted cucumber, it is food. Put a glass of vodka near it – same vegetable but now an appetizer."

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"What is mentality?"

Kup, drunk:

"It's when Grimlock, wearing old, dirty, crappy clothes checkmates Prowl in chess after getting drunk on a bottle of cognac."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"How much is 10 times 100 grams?"

Drunk Russian guy:

"A liter …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The soul eagerly waited for Friday while liver and kidneys – for Monday."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"In order to become a professor, you do not need to go through 10 years of universities and other institutions, just pour 0.5 liters for all three people …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"50 more and let's finish."

Grimlock, drunk:

"Ok, first bottle, second bottle, third bottle …"

* * *

><p>After extensive experiments on themselves, Starscream, Shockwave, Perceptor and Wheeljack came to a conclusion that the formula for happiness just so happens to be the exact same for ethanol.<p>

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, walks into a washroom and sees one dollar lying on the floor:<p>

"No, Grimlock no pick up one dollar from washroom floor."

Stops, thinks for a second, takes out a hundred dollar bill and throws it on the floor:

"Now 101 dollars Grimlock will pick up."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"First Aid! Come on! Drink!"

First Aid:

"I can't! I am driving!"

Kup:

"Well, just a little! Come on!"

"No! I am driving!"

Grimlock, drunk:

"For the sake of the smell!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock wakes up, hungover and calls up Perceptor:<p>

"Perceptor! What time is it?"

Perceptor:

"It's 19 : 32."

"The month! What month?!"

* * *

><p>Springer:<p>

"Ratchet, is alcoholism a disease?"

Ratchet:

"Yes."

"Then give me medical sick-leave and 100 grams."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"All doctors say that alcohol is a disease and yet not a single bastard gives medical sick-leave."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If you send a moron to get liquor, he will bring the one bottle. If you send a smartass, he will drink everything on the way back."

* * *

><p>Grimlock keeps drinking vodka one shot after another for a few good hours. Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"Smokescreen! Beer!"

Smokescreen:

"Beer after vodka?"

"No, beer before wine."

* * *

><p>Arcee, drunk:<p>

"I used to think I knew English until Grimlock and Kup dropped a bottle on the asphalt …"

* * *

><p>Springer and Hot Rod are drinking. Hot Rod, drunk:<p>

"Hey! Springer, look! A listening device! Hold on, gonna throw a boot at it so that it hits some one in the ears on the other side …"

Red Alert:

"I will boot you so freaking hard, you will end up on Nebulos …"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Let's drink more!"

Hot Rod:

"Let's drink like Americans!"

Tracks:

"Let's drink like the French!"

Cosmos:

"Let's drink like Mexicans!"

Grimlock:

"Doesn't matter who like we gonna drink, we will all end up feeling like Russians …"

* * *

><p>Kup and Grimlock got drunk. On the next day Kup comes back, limping, a broken bone and numerous armor plating bent all over. Grimlock, hungover:<p>

"What the hell happened to you?!"

Kup, hungover:

"So I am walking when suddenly a car runs me over, I get up and then a horse hits me on the head, then a crocodile attacks me, then a train …"

"What?! Really?!"

"Yeah! Ask the carousel owner!"

* * *

><p>Optimus comes back home, drunk, in the middle of the night. Arcee:<p>

"You are drunk again?! Where is my new coat?! Did you sell it for alcohol?!"

Optimus, drunk:

"No, I lost it."

"Then what's with the bottle?"

"I found it."

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, gets on the bus and sits down next to Arcee. Suddenly, somebody farts really loudly which catches everybody's attention. Grimlock, drunk, to Arcee:<p>

"You can blame it on me, I am drunk anyway."

* * *

><p>Grimlock:<p>

"Prowl, you drink?"

Prowl:

"No."

"Finally! Hold bottle till I tie shoe …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock and Kup bought a bottle of vodka and there is a pack of nuts attached to the top of it. Grimlock and Kup are thinking why is that. Grimlock:<p>

"What nuts for?"

Kup:

"Oh! I get it! It's to throw at squirrels so that they will leave us alone!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Alcohol in small doses is harmless no matter how big the quantity is!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"A hundred grams could be extra but they are never unnecessary."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"What happened to you two?!"

Grimlock:

"We tried fighting a war with alcoholism."

"And?!"

"It won."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"We had nothing to drink for so we got drunk over sadness."

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"Grimlock read so much about badness of alcohol, Grimlock decided to stop reading."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"If the sky is covered with asphalt, the sky is on the other side."

* * *

><p>First Aid:<p>

"What will happen if you drink a lot of vodka?"

Kup, drunk:

"The day after tomorrow."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Hope you guys enjoyed!**

**So the renovations are FINALLY done! Now we just need to clean up the fragging house ...**

**I can't stop listening to MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS full intro soundtrack ... I think I may write a cross-over with them and Transformers at some point ... Speaking of which! Would it not be cool if the people who are working to decrease energy consumption started calling themselves Power Rangers? Screw that, I would certainly do my part in helping preserve our planet!**

**You know what I miss? I miss the hype I got from the teaser trailer of the first Bayformer movie! I was not just hyped, I was bouncing on walls! My sister said that it was a trailer for Gundam (-_- yeah ... she is not that bright ...) while we were watching and wouldn't shut up about it until they showed that it was a FRAGGING TRANSFORMERS MOVIE! I was also very worried how they would portray the characters.**

**Another thing! Have you people seen how many different versions of Bumblebee there are? From just Bayformer Dark of The Moon alone there are like 4 different versions of him! FOUR! I feel bad for the kids to be honest when they finally start thinking and see taht they bought a trillion versions of the SAME FRAGGING TRANSFORMER THAT IS JUST DIFFERENTLY COLORED. Diaclones are different ... quiet, you!**

**In any case,**

**be kind and leave a review! Please?**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


	41. Chapter 41

**_Little_ _Tragedies, Issue_ _41_**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Foreword<strong>

**Issue 41!**

**Holy scrap, the fall semester started! I have to wake up at 6 fragging a.m. every weekday ... and then haul my aft all the way from my campus back home on a 1 hour bus trip, then 1 hour on the subway and then another 1 hour trip on a bus ... yuhuh ... for education!**

**Lezze ...**

**Dark Night Rises was nice. That's right, nice. Not SUPER FANTASTIC, just nice. Why? Well, I don't know, I felt like some parts of the movie were rushed, some weren't as good as they could have been, some of the fighting looked VERY choreographed ... no I am not complaining that it wasn't real violence, we all know it is fake but the way the fight scenes were made it was just too obvious that they were fake ... plus a couple of tiny plot holes here and there which I will NOT mention because I got more than enough slag from a friend of mine who is not even a DC fan. Have you noticed that they don't call Catwoman by her name at all?**

**I am stationed in the cardiology ward for my clinical~! I love it there! Personally I would really rather be in the maternal ward but they do rotate so, yeah, not an option. OMP! PAPERWORK! TOO! MUCH!**

**Injections are not as scary as people think ... I have a phobia of needles ... a very strong one at that ... but I actually had fun!**

**What I noticed about the Western Society a long while ago is that they ALWAYS manage to find SOMETHING to complain about ... ALWAYS ... no matter what situation! Just today one of my colleagues was complaining about weather! Ok, if you are a driver, yes, weather conditions an be annoying, I, myself, drove in harsh conditions too and let me tell you something, part of me was going like "AAAAAH I'M GONNA DIE" but the other part was all like "BRING IT GLITCHES~! XD" but honestly, if it is raining, great, more water for plants! Thunderstorm? Great, the air is getting cleaner! Snowstorm? SNOWBALL FIGHT and FREE REFRIGERATION and SNOW FORT and ... and ... so many things! Hot as frag? Nice, you don't wat to eat as much plus you are losing weight by sweating! I don't know, maybe it is just me being a little weirdo (a nickname given to my by the nurses of the maternal ward where I had my clinical class).**

**Anyway, hope you enjoy the issue!**

* * *

><p><strong>Kittycons, u so cute me love u long time (TFA)<strong>

* * *

><p>Tracks:<p>

"We went to France for a vacation!"

Kup, drunk:

"Me too."

"Wha… how?!"

"Before I pass out drunk I always put a piece of paper saying where I live and I put different addresses in different countries."

"There is no way it works!"

* * *

><p>Kup, takes out pictures:<p>

"Here is me in France, here is me in Spain, here is me in your washroom, here is me in Japan, Argentina, Zimbabwe …"

* * *

><p>Soundwave before he met Tracks:<p>

Soundwave wakes up, goes to the washroom, takes Lazerbeak with him to the kitchen, pours himself a glass of vodka, drinks it, puts it all away and goes back to sleep. Lazerbeak:

"Long day …"

* * *

><p>Tracks woke up earlier than everyone and decided to talk a walk when he sees an angry Kup. Tracks:<p>

"Hey, Kup, what time is it?"

Kup:

"Three!"

"But it's the morning!"

"No! I have been waiting for this piece of slag LCBO to open for three hours!"

* * *

><p>Flipsides:<p>

"Shockblast drove on his bike a little too carelessly by my daddy, which scared him and caused him to drop the bottle of vodka. Our wedding is ruined …"

* * *

><p>Arcee noticed that a lot of her students began swearing a lot more. Then she remembered that Kup was doing a plumbing job in the school the other day. Arcee:<p>

"Kup! Did you use any bad words?"

Kup, hungover:

"No, why?"

"Well, all the kids began swearing."

Kup:

"Yeah, well, you can rest assured it wasn't me; when Bumblebee poured some liquid lead behind my shirt I definitely said 'stop it, 'bee, it is not nice, you are a bad boy'."

* * *

><p>Rumble and Frenzy:<p>

"Uncle Kup, why is your nose always red?"

Kup, tipsy:

"Because of tomatoes!"

"You eat tomatoes all the time?"

"No, I use them as an appetizer."

* * *

><p>Soundwave wakes up with a horrible hangover. Soundwave:<p>

"Ravage … Ravage …"

Ravage runs up to him. Soundwave, breathes at Ravage and with his last breath says:

"Fetch …"

* * *

><p><strong>The Autobots, The Decepticons and The WTF (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Ultra Magnus, after turning back into a robot from human:<p>

"No matter how much vodka you drink, a human body still consists of 80 percent water."

* * *

><p>Smokescreen:<p>

"Ratchet! I am shivering all over!"

Ratchet:

"Did you drink?"

"Yes."

"Did you smoke?"

"Yes."

"Did you decide to quit?"

"Yes."

"That's just your organism getting scared."

* * *

><p>Optimus:<p>

"Arcee! I am going to quit drinking!"

Arcee, terrified:

"Who will call me beautiful then?!"

* * *

><p>Hound, in his notes about Earth:<p>

"Only a Russian man when you tell him 'half of a liter' will never ask 'of what?'"

* * *

><p>Kup:<p>

"Ratchet! My hands are shivering!"

Ratchet:

"You drink a lot?"

"I spill a lot."

* * *

><p>*This one goes out to user anonybot, thanks for the idea!<p>

Shockwave, riding Starscream to Cybertron (The Revenge of Bruticus):

"Hey, Starscream."

Starscream, very annoyed:

"What?!"

"Fly me to Cybertrooooon …"

"Don't start …"

"I want to ride you among the stars …"

"SHUT UP!"

"Let me see what energon is like …"

"SHUT THE FRAG UP!"

* * *

><p>Full song parody: Fly Me To Cybertron (original lyrics – Randomus Prime, idea – anonybot, original song – Frank Sinatra, editor – Crescent-Moon-Demon, raw lyrics provided in the "Author's Notes" section)<p>

Shockwave:

Fly me to Cybertron

Let me ride you among the stars

Let me see what subbing is like

On the universe's bitch …

In other words,

Starscream:

stroke my wings

Shockwave:

In other words,

Starscream:

Megsy, spike me

*in between verses pause*

Shockwave:

Um, what?!

Starscream:

… I thought were singing about Megatron and me …

Shockwave:

… you are incorrigible …

*pause ends*

Starscream:

Fill my valve with joy

Shockwave sings the next line of the verse:

And let me top you forever more

Starscream jumps in:

Megatron's spike is all I long for,

All I worship and adore

Shockwave:

In other words,

Starscream:

Please get off

Shockwave:

In other words,

Starscream:

I hate you

*in between verse pause 2*

Shockwave:

Why do you hate me?!

Starscream:

Because you are such a Megatron bitch

Shockwave:

… I am topping you, what does that make you? Glitch …

Starscream:

… yeah … well … shut up!

Shockwave:

That's what I thought

*pause ends*

Starscream:

Why don't you fill my valve with bliss?

Let me sub forever more

Because your plug is all I long for

All I worship and adore

Shockwave:

In other words,

Starscream:

Please rape meeeeeeeeee

Shockwave:

In other words, *short musical pause* in other woooooooords,

Starscream:

I *pause* hate *longer pause* you *approaches Cybertron*

Shockwave:

Hey, Starscream

Starscream:

What?

Shockwave:

What the frag just happened?!

Starscream:

… it never happened …

Shockwave:

… agreed …

* * *

><p><strong>Under The Degree (G1)<strong>

* * *

><p>Before, Kup, passed a cup of sake here and there. Now, he doesn't pass a single one.<p>

* * *

><p>Perceptor:<p>

"Is your vodka fresh?"

Smokescreen:

"Yes, why?"

"After I drank it, I didn't feel too good."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The umbrella makers pray for a rainy summer, the sandal makers pray for a dry summer; the beer brewers pray for a cold summer, the vodka makers don't need to pray – they need to make!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"You drink vodka?"

First Aid:

"No."

"What the hell do you use it for then?!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus bumps into Cosmos. Cosmos:<p>

"Look at where you are going!"

Rodimus, drunk:

"Go where you look!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"An alcoholic is a mech that knows exactly what they want."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Why do you drink vodka?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"Because it's liquid. If it was solid, would have eaten it."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Some people say that you have to drink less, some others say that you have to drink more but nobody debates that you HAVE to drink."

* * *

><p>Hound:<p>

"What is a real table drinking?"

Kup, drunk:

"A few bottles of vodka, Grimlock and some fried meat."

"Why Grimlock?"

"Someone has to eat the meat!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk, after watching Optimus quit drinking:<p>

"Quitting drinking is like a new birth – you look around and everything is new, can't understand anything."

* * *

><p>Wheeljack, Grimlock, the dinobots and the Technobots, all drunk, talking about the "never-drinking" Ratchet:<p>

"There is always one in the family …"

* * *

><p>Hound:<p>

"What can be better than a little walk outside?"

Mirage, lecherously:

"Well …"

Grimlock, drunk:

"Drinking vodka!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock:<p>

"Vodka becoming weak, yesterday Grimlock drink gallon and nothing happened."

Springer:

"What, just one?"

"No, with piroguies."

* * *

><p>Grimlock, hungover:<p>

"Yesterday got drunk and when wake up, like Grimlock was born again."

Prowl:

"Decided to stop drinking?"

"No, was found in cabbage."

* * *

><p>Ratchet:<p>

"There is a disease that is cured with cognac."

Hoist:

"Mind telling me where I can get that disease?"

* * *

><p>Scattershot:<p>

"Daddy, come on! Buy some beer!"

Grimlock, hangover:

"No."

"Daddy! Come on!"

"No!"

"Daddy, please!"

"Grimlock say no!"

"But I see how much you are suffering!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk, gets on the bus:<p>

"Sorry, I don't have any money."

Springer (bus driver):

"Got any for vodka?"

"No, a friend bought."

"He didn't give you any to take with you?"

Kup, takes out a bottle:

"Well, why wouldn't he?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"You can never destroy our faith!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"We drank, we drink and we will keep on drinking!"

* * *

><p>Prowl listens to the radio and hears this:<p>

"Grimlock's liver and kidneys would like to thank the brain for letting them have 48 hours off work …"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack, drunk:<p>

"I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

The whole bar goes quiet, waiting for a response. Wheeljack, drunk:

"I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

"Yes, papa, Grimlock knows!"

* * *

><p>This night Grimlock and Wheeljack got especially drunk. Grimlock is walking supporting himself with the walls while Wheeljack is crawling on his fours. Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"Papa, do you respect me?"

Wheeljack, drunk, lovingly:

"Who? Me? I am fragging proud of you!"

* * *

><p>Prowl gets a call. Prowl:<p>

"Hello?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"Prowl! Am I talking over the phone?!"

Prow, facepalming:

"No, over the TV …"

"Grimlock is live on TV in just Grimlock's underwear?!"

* * *

><p>Cliffjumper, drunk, walked into a farmhouse, stepped in a pile of pig poop, slipped, crashed through the wall, slammed into a truck, the truck exploded throwing him back into the farmhouse, a bulk fell on his head and he fell into a pen with pigs. Cliffjumper, drunk:<p>

"Fragging Decepticons …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"Summer came not after the first but after the third …"

* * *

><p>Optimus wakes up with a hangover. After a while he grab's Arcee's cat and throws it out the window. Arcee:<p>

"What the hell?!"

Optimus, hungover:

"All cats are like cats but that one was just BAM BAM BAM BAM!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock wakes up, hungover, and goes to the washroom, looks at himself in the mirror. Grimlock:<p>

"Well?"

After a few minutes. Grimlock, getting irritated:

"Well?!"

After a few minutes. Grimlock, angry:

"WELL?!"

WHeeljack:

"Grimlock! Breakfast!"

"That's right! Grimlock!"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, crawls to the bar:<p>

"Gm … sm … vdk …"

Smokescreen:

"Give you some vodka?"

"Thnks …"

* * *

><p>A wine making competition. Tracks and Mirage are judges. Mirage:<p>

"This is weird."

Tracks:

"Yes, this 54 is a lot worse than 65."

Swindle and Kup:

"Yeah! Right? We thought we poured it from the same keg …"

* * *

><p>Optimus, hungover, comes back home and knocks on the door:<p>

"Chromia! Open up!"

"I am not Chromia!"

"Firestar! Open up!"

"I am not firestar!"

"Elita One! Open up!"

"I am not Elita One!"

"Hey, maybe we could play cities too?"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"First Aid! Are you coming camping with us tomorrow?"

First Aid:

"Yes, do I need to grab anything warm?"

Grimlock, drunk:

"Six bottles."

* * *

><p>Hot Rod is drinking at a party, he drinks up the shot and dies. Hot Rod:<p>

"Primus! Come on! Let me go back! I still need to finish the glass! There is still a little left in it!"

"Fine."

And he brings him back as a spider on a ceiling, right above the glass. Hot Rod:

"What do I do?!"

"Push and you will spin a web."

So Hot Rod began pushing and just like Primus said, he began weaving a web. Finally he is right above the glass when suddenly he can't make any more web. Hot Rod:

"Primus! What do I do?!"

"Push harder!"

Meanwhile:

Kup, drunk:

"Hot Rod! Wake up! You just shat yourself!"

* * *

><p>Arcee:<p>

"What is the best flowers to give to a malebot?"

Kup, drunk:

"Tie together three bottles of vodka and a couple gallons of beer- now that is a bouquet!"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"What are you guys doing?"

Grimlock, drinking:

"A supper that gently turns into an intense hangover."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"The liver gets rid of alcohol from the body in 24 hours which is why you have to drink every day."

* * *

><p>Grimlock went drinking and befriended some mech. Grimlock, drunk:<p>

"Grimlock like you! Let's drink!"

Other mech:

"Lets!"

So they drink. Grimlock:

"Grimlock like you! Come over to Grimlock's!"

"All right! Where do you live?"

"The Ark."

"Really?! Me too! What hall?"

"3-B."

"Really?! Me too! What quarters number?"

"4."

"Me too!"

Grimlock, looks more closely:

"Papa?"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack made a new invention, a browser in the real world that allows you to "add to favorites" bottles and "make starting page" the glass.<p>

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Ten hints that you are drunk:

1. You keep losing arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You grab the grass not to fall.

3. Analysis shows tiny amounts of blood in your alcohol system.

4. The barman knows you so well, he allows you to stand at the counter.

5. Every mech you see is talking to their twin sibling.

6. You call your kids Budweiser and Ricard.

7. The glass keeps trying to get past your mouth.

8. You understand what Seaspray is saying.

9. The lampposts keep throwing themselves at you.

10. All mosquitoes that bite you die instantaneously."

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"So, Kup, how was Starscream's and Megatron's wedding?"

Kup, hangover:

"First we began drinking."

"Uh-huh."

"And then we threw salad into lamps."

"Uh-huh."

"And then Megatron got so drunk, he interfaced with Starscream in front of everyone."

"Oh?"

"And then everybody else interfaced with Starscream."

"Huh?!"

"And then I left."

"Why?"

"Things got worse from there …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, comes to a bar:<p>

"Smokescreen! Give me a bottle of vodka and Mecha-Cola!"

And exits. 30 minutes later:

"Smokescreen! Give me a bottle of vodka and Mecha-Cola!"

And exits. 30 minutes later:

"Smokescreen! Give me a bottle of vodka and Mecha-Cola!"

And like that for a few good hours.

"Smokescreen! Give me a bottle of vodka and Sprite!"

Smokescreen:

"Why not Mecha-Cola?"

"Mecha-Cola hurts my tummy."

* * *

><p>Grimlock, Kup, Springer and Optimus are sitting at a table and angrily stare at 4 bottles (empty) and one filled two-thirds of the way. Suddenly, they hear Ravage growling. Grimlock, happily:<p>

"For Ravage!"

* * *

><p>Hound, drunk, crawls into the farmhouse to tend to his cattle. Cow:<p>

"What, drunk again?"

Hound, drunk:

"Moo …"

"Fine, grab them, I will just jump …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock, drunk, leans on a lampposts when Ravage comes by and begins sniffing him. Grimlock, drunk, horrified:<p>

"Cucumbers, sure, they are tasty; sausages, no problem, but cats?!"

* * *

><p>Rodimus is coming back from the store with a huge keg of beer and he is kicking some bottle as he walks when suddenly the bottle hits a rock, breaks and a genie comes out of it. Genie:<p>

"What is your wish?"

Rodimus:

"I wish that this keg would never run out of beer."

"Granted"

To this day, Rodimus can't open the keg.

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Tell drugs: WE STILL HAVE VODKA!"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"Grimlock, did you have breakfast yet?"

Grimlock, grimly:

"Not a single drop."

* * *

><p>Cliffjumper:<p>

"What so bad about our beer?!"

Grimlock, drunk, angrily:

"Vodka too expensive!"

* * *

><p>Prowl reads in a newspaper:<p>

"Terrorists that captured a brewery for the fifth day already cannot tell their demands …"

* * *

><p>Prowl:<p>

"What are you doing tonight?"

Springer:

"Nothing, I quit drinking."

* * *

><p>Tracks was feeling a little left out so he decided to brag a little about his drinking in order to be accepted by Grimlock and Kup as their drinking friends. Tracks:<p>

"Sometimes, I drink three whole glasses of beer in one hour!"

Grimlock, drunk:

"I could go for 30 gallons of beer …"

* * *

><p>Grimlock and Kup are discussing how much they should drink. Kup:<p>

"Two is too little, three is too much …"

Grimlock:

"Four should do it …"

* * *

><p>First Aid:<p>

"Ratchet, is there a cure for everything?"

Ratchet:

"Well …"

Kup, drunk:

"Add two drops of water to alcohol and you are good to go."

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"Brine is the drink of tomorrow!"

* * *

><p>Kup, drunk:<p>

"In wine – there is wisdom. In beer- there is strength. In water - there are microbes."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>

**I hope you enjoyed the issue!**

**I think one of my co-workers is secretly a cultist or is some sort of a pervert ... I don't know, I will let you guys judge.**

**So I was doing my own thing at work, minding by own business, there are tons of customers floating around when one of my female managers (27) comes to me:**

**her: Randomus, I want to know the pH level of your urine.**

**... my friend is STILL trying to figure out how kind of an offense is this ... So, what happened? Well, I was WTFing for a few astroseconds, the customer' optics probably popped out of their sockets ... **

**me: O.O why?**

**her: *shrug* I just want to know.**

**... I ended up doing it ... turns out I am healthy =D**

**Then the other thing, happened just the other day:**

**her: Randomus, when were you born? How old are you?**

**me: *I tell her my age and the year I was born. Don't you think I would actually say it on ...***

**her: oh, you are 1 1 1!**

**me: ... uhuh ...**

**her: i noticed that there are some patterns the employees are following, the Creator is trying to tell me something, I just can't figure it out!**

**me: o.o ... uhuh ... so, do I follow that pattern?**

**her: ... yes and no ... you are ... sort of a fringe element**

**me: ... well, don't worry *pats her on the shoulder* one day you will find out and kick his ass!**

**her: O.o you are a weirdo ...**

**me: that's the spirit! =D**

**Last but not the least! I downloaded Turtles Forever, it is a crossover between the old TMNT and one of the newer series! I heard really good things about it and I am so going to watch it ASAP~ I am not THE biggest fan of TMNT, I am a fan, I like it~**

**I bought a little something on Ebay the other week~ hopefully I will post pictures of it on my DA soon enough~**

**Hope you enjoyed the issue!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for reviewing and editing!**


End file.
